Work 2
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Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e- mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, which was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my experience with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water decompression stops
totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
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As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the 'pedagogical approach' used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
148-
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Only one man sat motionless among the ensuing forest of raised hands.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to taxi as far as the runway let alone take off.
149-
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I'll pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can damn well bet on that!"
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Buzzwords for Managers
COLUMN I
COLUMN II COLUMN III
------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
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How to look after your computer:-
Cleaning the inside of your computer with a powerful vacuum cleaner is recommended.
The capacitors, fuses and other knobbly bits that get sucked off the mother board are probably not that important anyway.
Those connectors with an asymmetrical corner or sticky out bit to show which way round they go should be ignored too. Don't take any nonsense from your machinery - you are the boss ... if you want to put it in that way you put it in that way. Just use a hammer if it doesn't seem to fit properly.
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A man notices two construction workers kicking each other in the nuts,
"Doesn't that hurt" asks the man,
"No" reply the workers "we're wearing steel tipped boots.
153-
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an
Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"... Now give me back my dog."
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Problems techies face everyday
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff-I Just want a database!"
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
Customer: "I don't have a space bar.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop- up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ..."
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
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This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
156-
Staff Notice
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo
counselling by a clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
MANAGEMENT
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Only in America
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a car exhaust fitting shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
158-
Company Announcement:
For the attention of all staff.
As a result of the constant pressure to control costs the company is forced to reduce the number of employees. Under the proposed plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger staff, who represent the company's future.
A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the next financial year will commence shortly. This programme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE is implemented. This phase of the new policy is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).
An employee who has been scheduled for RAPE, whether or not they have requested a SCREW, may also request a review of their case by senior management. This is called a SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority For Termination). Under the terms of the new policy an employee can be SCREWed twice (with or without request), SHAFTed as many times as the company deems necessary, but may only be RAPEd once.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). Following their RAPE, unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse), since HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP following their RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWed or SHAFTed.
Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible to be RAPEd, SCREWed or SHAFTed, that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger staff, the company is about to launch a new training programme called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our younger employees will receive. We are committed to giving more SHIT to our staff than any other company in the business. If an employee feels that they are not receiving their fair allocation of SHIT, they should contact their supervisor immediately. All of our supervisors have been trained to make sure every employee receives all the SHIT they can handle.
159-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
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FROM THE HELP DESK
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Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
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A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?>
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it
161-
Some marketing and financial terms you might need to know …
CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER ... What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR ... My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.
WINDOWS 2000 ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.
401K ... now known as only a 201K.
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Out of Office Replies ...
1. I am now on vacation. I'm sorry but I was unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails I was sent before I left the office. I will return from vacation on 18/4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
2. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message. A request for a reply on my return carries an additional flat rate charge of £50.
3. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please shut down your computer. Wait 20 minutes. Restart your computer and try sending your message again.
4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to my queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
5. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for personal reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'
163-
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
164-
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
165-
Office Pranks
When two (ore more) people are working a desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!
Put a piece of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong
odour. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.
It is always a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “fuck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".
Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually
panic and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it... sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will autoplay when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to
automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks
(or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction) and switch to
espresso!
Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling
marquee" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.
With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the
mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the
earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
My absolutely most favourite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
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Deer Sir,
I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I theenk I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole seam to respond to me well, ax anyone.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job no problem. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you theenk that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pitcher of me taken at mi last jobb.
.... It's OK honey, we've got spell check.....when can you start?????
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45 Fun Ways To Take A Final That Does Not Matter
1 Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2 Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got secret documents!!"
3 If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4 Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5 Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a joke the instructor and the class are!
6 Bring cheerleaders.
7 Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8 Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.
9 On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10 Bring pets.
11 Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh relief. 12 Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave to country" and run off.
13 Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
14 Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15 Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be vulgar as possible.
16 Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17 Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18 As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20 Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21 Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out start commenting on how easy it was.
22 Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB etc..).
23 Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24 Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "I can't take it anymore!" and walk out triumphantly.
25 Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26 Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27 Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28 Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29 Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!" until they drag you away.
30 Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31 Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"
32 Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33 From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34 Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35 If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36 Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37 Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38 Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!) like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see appropriate.
39 When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40 After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41 One word: Wrestlemania.
42 Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like the do before concerts start.
43 Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44 Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45 Sit around until the exam proctor tells you to stop writing. Keep writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a big pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've missed all your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I am?" very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The instructor will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere in the pile.
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Morris goes to an agency in Manhattan and asks if they have any jobs. "Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got an ace job - working in a strip club, what you would have to do is help the girls undress and dress, oil them and all that sort of stuff."
"Sounds good" says Morris.
"Great, can you get to Brooklyn by 9.00 am tomorrow?"
"Why, is that where the job is?"
"No, that's where the line starts..."
169-
The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to : Single__, Married__, Divorced___ I marked single.
Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."
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Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
1. Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the fucking box all day!
2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
8. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
9. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
10. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
11. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
12. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
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When the well-moulded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day."
"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow."
"It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one."
"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."
172-
New words to try at work
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato..
SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e. g. you've hit 'reply all')
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Yes I'm Tired,
For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, Poor blood, Lack of Vitamins, air pollution, lack of exercise, dieting, under arm odour, constipation and another dozen maladies that makes you wonder if life is really worth living.
But I have found out it isn't really that at all.
I'm Tired because I'm over worked.
The population of this country is 17 million, 5 million are retired, that leaves 12 million to do the work. There are 7 million in school or too young to go to school, that leaves 5 million to do the work. Of this total 1 million are unemployed and 2 million are employed by the
government, which leaves 2 million to do the work. From that total 1 million are employed by local
government bodies and city councils, which leaves 1 million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospitals around the country and 379,998 in prisons, That leaves 2 people to do the work, YOU AND ME. And you are sitting on your arse reading this.
174-
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500." said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
175-
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS.
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ****
176-
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again
The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0T
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The Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments LIST
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids
confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humour: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy
and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project
that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
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ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice.
179-
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."
180-
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say
humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, so Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore, Asshole
181-
One thing about Air Force pilots is that they lie a lot. You simply can't trust them at all. We had an argument one night at the Belvedere Inn, across from the main gate at NAS Pax River, a bunch of our F-14 Tomcat Pilots at Strike were arguing with some F-15 Eagle drivers from Langley about who was better at what and which airplane was better. Well, we decided to settle it the next morning in the restricted area over the Chesapeake Bay. This is where we found out about how much Air Force pilots lie!!! We all agreed to meet nose on at 35 thousand and settle it once and for all. Don't you know those lying, sneaky bastards showed up at 40 thousand. God, what a bunch of lying, low lifes those Air Force types were, showing up with a 5 thousand foot altitude advantage. Hell.... if we hadn't been at 45 thousand, those lying Air Force dirtbags would have had us for breakfast!
182-
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a
gynaecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the
gynaecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynaecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynaecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that
gynaecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
183-
One evening at happy hour at the Ft. Riley officer’s club, a buddy of mine who was an Army pilot told me a hilarious story. He said they’d been sent to Kansas City International Airport to pick up some people.
When they got near, they radioed the tower for instruction:
"Army 753, flight of three, requesting landing instructions for the private terminal"
The tower radioed back that they were number three to land following two commercial flights. A moment later the tower radioed again, voice rising in near panic:
"Army 753, we show you with ZERO groundspeed! Are you declaring an emergency?"
He calmly replied, "No, we’re hovering over the outer marker waiting for clearance - We’re a helicopter; we can do that you know."
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Things to say to the boss
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which priority is which. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway!
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A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
186-
More from the tower ...
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is."
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Pilot: "... Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
Air Traffic Control: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...
Air Traffic Control: Look again there's probably a plane behind that light.
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
187-
HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE POST OFFICE?
Welcome to this year's Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
* Flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't what to work away from work
* Free use of government stationery and the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for all your postage needs.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from a
neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to the Letters to Santa Claus Division.
OK, now we're ready to begin:
MATHEMATICS:
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer Sheet.
1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm, how long have you had for lunch? --
~ The answer, of course, is half an hour.
2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two postal employees to process the same form? --
~ The answer is, of course, four hours.
MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a. May I help you, Madam? b. May I help you, Miss? c. What can I do you for, baby? d. How's tricks, doll-face?
~ The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
a. We are aggressively looking into the matter. b. Can I get back to you on this one? c. The matters have been referred to another committee d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
~ Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING:
Spell the following words:
a. Coffee b. Flu c. Lunch break d. Vacation
This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the front, and welcome to the Post Office!
188-
The Ultimate Project Management Team - Project "Birth":
1. Project Manager - is a Person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month...
2. Developer - is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby...
3. On site Coordinator - is one who thinks a single woman can deliver 9 babies in one month...
4. Client - is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby...
5. Marketing Manager - is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available...
6. Resource Optimisation Team - thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child from scratch...
7. Documentation Team - thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months...
8. Quality Auditor - is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS...
189-
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Dan! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly
behaviour was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
190-
Things You May Hear Just Before Getting Fired
* I don't know what we'll do without you, but as from tomorrow we are certainly going to try!
* We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.
* Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
* Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!
* I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.
* Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?
191-
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
192-
Job Security Quiz
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing computer games at your desk, you... a. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. b. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. c. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? a. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. b. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. c. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing stock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? a. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. b. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. c. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? a. Listen politely, and then apologize. b. Blame someone else. c. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... a. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the wind-shield wiper. b. Key it, then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. c. Key it, then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? a. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. b. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you. c. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react? a. Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be
honoured to pay for her to go to the movie by herself. b. Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up. c. Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you... a. Clean the office while he supervises. b. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. c. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
SCORING Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
193-
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
194-
Military Truisms
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U. S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying:............................ now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; .................we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
195-
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."
196-
Did you ever get rejected for a credit card? I did years ago. I had just started my new job start out of college. I felt responsible enough to handle my own credit card so I applied for an American Express card. Weeks later I received a letter stating that my job was not good enough to be accepted for the card.
Funny enough, I was employed at American Express.
197-
Today's Stock Market Report
- Helium is up, feathers are down. Paper was stationary.
- Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
- Knives were up sharply.
- Cows steered into a bull market.
- Pencils lost a few points.
- Hiking equipment was trailing.
- Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
- Weights were up in heavy trading.
- Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
- Diapers remained unchanged.
- Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
- The market for raisins dried up.
- Coca Cola fizzled.
- Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
- Sun peaked at midday.
- Balloon prices were inflated.
- Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
- Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
- Kite sales hit an all-time high.
- Fish sales were floundering.
- Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.
- Playground equipment went on a slide.
- Ice machines were frozen solid.
- Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
- Fencing was having a field day.
- Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
- Gravel futures are bumping along.
198-
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
199-
Take off Styles
Naval Aviator:
On an aircraft carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head.. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot :
We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
Army Aviator:
If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.
200-
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"
I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."
201-
Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP
(Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Upper Management
202-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
203-
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has
levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
204-
Boss to secretary
“Come in Miss Jones, sit on my knee and let’s talk about the first thing that pops up.
205-
Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
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Dear Unpersonable Bitch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.
It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realize that you couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John:
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks.
It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God's speed, and may the Force be with you.
206-
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do? So all of the recruits bar one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
207-
Dear Mr. X:
It's been nearly six months that I have spent at this company, trying to understand how to work in the real world and learn a few skills from you. So let's see the top five things that I have learned:
1. If you suck up to the boss, he turns a blind eye to the fact that you have a drinking problem and show up late and disorganized.
2. If you take the big boss' car to the car wash, you can take long lunch hours without penalty.
3. If you don't plan your presentation to the strategy meeting in time, just use last year's stuff and change the dates.
4. If you are getting fat and bald, harass the women in the office with stupid sexual comments.
5. When you go on a business trip, keep losing the receipts for those expensive meals that you swear you spent money on and that you want reimbursed, even though no one around here has the brains to ask to see your credit card statement.
Now you might say that these are important lessons for me to learn. I say that I would rather have my nuts eaten by rabid squirrels than stay here any longer and learn any more of your great skills.
Yours truly,
208-
A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a First Class Petty Officer from the local Navy base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the PO1, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The PO1 paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can run diagnostics on all radar/weapons systems, score
95 on the ASVAB test, operate all forms of test equipment, perform the duties of any Maintenance Man qualified person with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.
The man spotted a monkey in another cage "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a Work centre Supervisor monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance on the unit, intermediate, and depot level, knows all OPNAV instructions, utilizes ORM, and even conducts Divisional Training. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a Navy Chief!"
209-
Once upon a time there was a dumb private in a far away place called "Grafenwehor, Germany". He was a dumb SOB, so dumb that nobody really liked him. Not his fellow soldiers, Team Leader, Squad Leader, Platoon Sergeant nor Company 1SG. He was a real smart ass who thought he know it all.
Then one cold winter day, his company went on a tactical 12 mile road march across the lovely, muddy country side of Germany. About halfway through the road march, approximately 6 miles out, the weather started to change rapidly. The temperature dropped sharply, the rain changed to show and the road started to get very slippery and muddy.
With the weather getting worse minute by minute, the dumb private started to fall further and further back behind the company formation. As a excuse, he told his Team Leader he needed to take an urgent shit. So he dropped out of the formation and ran to the nearest woods until the company was out of sight.
Knowing the unit was now gone, he figured he could take his sweet ass time walking back to base without being hassled, pushed or yelled at to keep up with the company. While walking the same road as his unit was on, he came upon a large cow pasture that looked like it would be a short cut back to base. He decided to take a chance by cutting across the field, hoping that it would get him home sooner.
As he started to walk across the field, he soon realized that the snow was beginning to get deeper and deeper and much more difficult to walk in. Before long, he started to get very tired and exhausted and know then that he made a serious mistake trying to cross the field. He decided to turn around and try to get back to the road.
Due to the heavy snow fall and wind, his tracks were quickly covered over and he soon lost his way back to the road. Feeling extremely weak, he collapsed to the ground. The dumb private thought for sure he was a goner and that no one would ever find him in the snow storm.
Suddenly, out of nowhere came a large herd of cows walking across the field. The dumb private said to himself "Great, if I don't freeze to death, I'll be trampled to death by a bunch of cows". But the private was lucky, they didn't walk on him, instead they just shit on him as they passed
over him.
Feeling the fresh warm cow shit on top of him, the private started to warm up again. In fact, he was feeling so much better.... that he started to laugh aloud at the situation he had gotten himself into.
Then suddenly, in one swift sweep, he was grabbed by the collar, jerked and shaken to his feet and given a first class royal ass chewing by his Platoon Sergeant and Company 1SG. And when they got back to the barracks they put him on latrine detail for a week.
The moral of this story is:
1. Anyone who happens to shit on you, is not always out to get you.
2. Anyone who happens to get you out of shit, is not always your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in shit, keep your mouth shut.
210-
For those of you who have ever had to fill out a time sheet at the end of the day
Extended Job List Contents:
Job number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (see jobs #5322,#5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5909 Sexual Intercourse
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g.: vacation, wedding...)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6213 Making Passes at Coworker
6214 Sexually Harassing Coworker
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see #6603)
6602 Doing job XXXX at your own Business (e.g. 6602-6213, Making Passes at Coworker in Your Business 6602-5600, Complaining About Difficulties in Your Business)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
211-
Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble on the Job
1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.
3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email.
5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.
6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.
7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.
8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.
9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.
10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.
212-
The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the, company's Dallas office.
"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in Detroit," her boss told her.
"Alright then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so I can get started."
213-
Sayings Involving The F Word
figmo - fuck it, got my orders
fubab - fucked up beyond all belief
fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu - fucked up more than usual
snafu - situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu - things are really fucked up
janfu - joint army-navy fuckup.
gfu - general fuck-up
samfu - self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu - surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu - situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual
214-
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon
re-enlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
____________________ Signature ____________________ Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual..... er..... I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
_____________________ Signature _____________________ Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name
stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humour Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
______________________ Signature ______________________ Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear.. uhhhh.... high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... kill.... fix bayonets.... charge.... slash.... dig.... burn .... blowup.... ugh... Air Force women.... beer..... sailors wives..... air strikes.... yes SIR!.... whiskey.... liberty call.... salute.... Ooorah Gunny.... grenades... women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________ Thumb Print
XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks _____________________ Date
215-
Ah the joys of users when your in tech support
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explaine d to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious voice:
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"
216-
US Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only fair fight is the one you lose.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13.45 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch evening movie
4. Deploy the Marines
217-
There's a guy on a plane, flying back to London from Belfast.
The stewardess comes over and asks if he'd like a complimentary drink.
"Yes, th-th-th-thank you", he stammers. "A wh-wh-wh-whisky, please."
She goes and comes back with his scotch.
"Have you been in Belfast for business or pleasure, sir?" asks the stewardess.
"B-b-b-business", he replies. "A j-j-j-job interview."
"What for?", asks our trolley dolly, her curiosity aroused.
"A n-n-n-news reader," he answers.
"Any success?", she queries.
"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no." he says. "F-f-f-fucking Catholics get all the jobs nowadays!"
218-
A company once had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management decided: "Someone might steal from it at night!" So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management wondered: "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and another person to do time studies.
Then management asked: "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" No-one knew. So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said: "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.
Then management enquired: "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer plus a Legal Secretary.
Later, management decided: "We've had this operation running for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs." So they laid off the night watchman...
219-
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.
"You're right," he said, "it does..."
220-
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the heli