Sex 2
251-
A guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
He breaks her spell by saying, "You're gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."
252-
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.
3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes and Mum: never complains
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."
11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favourite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner.
253-
A young woman said to her friend: "I didn't realize that sex could be so painful!"
"Why was he THAT big?" exclaimed her friend excitedly.
"No, when I got on all fours, the perverted bastard missed the target by about an inch!"
254-
Persuasion was necessary, but the amorous man had finally gotten his girlfriend between the sheets. In due course he made love to her, finally burying his sword in her sheath and beginning to screw away.
"Be careful," she panted. "I think I have a weak heart."
"Don't worry," he said, without missing a stroke. "I'll take it very easy when I get up to the heart!"
255-
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's breasts best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's butt." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.
256-
Sex And Your First Name
According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name.
(Those of you with names that start with "N" will probably wish it started with "C"!)
-A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenges of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
-B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
-C- You are totally fucking marvellous!
-D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, behaving free and open.
-E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in awhile... it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.
(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
-F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can
be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your
favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
-G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it
meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time.
Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may
have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting
close sexually.
-H- You are an incredible lover, true friend, and all around awesome person!
-I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy
luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested
in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You
bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
-J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner
is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is
intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know
that you're being appreciated.
-K- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a
relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and
good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and
almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for
long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your
desires and doing without.
-L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's
saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
-M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate
and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.
-N- You are crap in bed.
-O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into
making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
-P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to
experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you
enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
-Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually
or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of
other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of
conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
-R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter
the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
-S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take
your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
-T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated,
and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.
-U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are
in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a
challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal
in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate
looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
-V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You
wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
-W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when
pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
-X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more
than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
-Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your
way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours
just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
-Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered by
career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are
capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful
and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
257-
How can you tell if your date really enjoys oral sex?
She unzips your fly every time you yawn.
258-
Why do women have two sets of lips?
~ One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
259-
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
260-
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
261-
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
262-
A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl. When they see the
size of his pecker they make their excuses and leave. So he thinks of a cunning plan, meets a hooker and asks her, "Do you mind if we do it my way?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh, I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all? No problem - let's go to my place," she answers.
They walk the short distance to her apartment. Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her.
"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers.
"What religion is that?" she asks.
"I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.
"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one of those people who doesn't believe in.....
............................J E S U S C H R I S T!"
263-
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."
264-
So you have your date sufficiently
anaesthetized and hand- cuffed to the headboard. Now what?
The important thing to remember is that a woman is like a vintage Panhead Harley... you have to throw a leg over and hang on with both hands - which it true - but more specifically, a woman has to warm up before you can get optimum performance out of her.
This warming up process is called... sexual harassment, by most of the women who know you, but in normal circles we call it foreplay.
Since this is a term not related to drug use, day-time talk shows or animal husbandry I will define it for you. Foreplay is sexual stimulation leading up to, but not including, coitus.
When engaging in foreplay it is important to pay attention to all of the erogenous zones. This includes:
* Kissing the neck
* Rubbing and kissing the nipples
* Gently massaging the buttocks
* Manual stimulation of the labia and clitoris
* Writing her a check to cash
However, the most important element of foreplay is oral sex. There are a hundred different techniques for this, from the faithful figure eight to the rather complicated rolled-tongue clam-digger. But no matter what you do it is almost impossible to go too far wrong as long as you a) spit out your chewing tobacco first, b) don't bite, and c) don't blow into it!
Oral sex as an element of foreplay is all about timing. If you're face-first in the promised land and working it like a dehydrated coon hound at the water bowl it is very possible to go too far. If your date happens to be fantasizing about a real man while you're busy she just might reach an orgasm without any help from your pathetic pecker at all.
The trick is to bring her three quarters of the way up the mountain and then you can take the two minutes it will be necessary to plant your flag at the peak.
How to tell if she is approaching orgasm?
* Increased respiration
* Moaning
* Hips roll forward
* She's awake
Since I have better things to do than pander to you nimrods all day I will continue this next week. You won't want to miss it as we will cover, how to tell the difference between an asshole and a pussy, the G-spot: Myth and Mystery and when light bondage turns into assault and battery.
Where was I? Oh, yes. So you've set the mood, figured out how to get your partner undressed, and fumbled your way through enough foreplay so that she is at least awake if not actually aroused. Now it is time to deliver the coup de grace.
Penetration can be achieved with a number of different approaches, some more acrobatic than others. But for the sake of simplicity and constraints of space I will list here only the basic four which are as follows...
1. Missionary, prone
2. Missionary, kneeling
3. Woman on top
4. Man behind, or "Doggy-style"
Each technique has its own advantages and disadvantages.
The Missionary, prone position provides some stimulation of the G-spot while also stimulating the clitoris.
The Missionary, kneeling position increases stimulation of the G-spot while reducing stimulation of the clitoris.
With the woman in the mounted position the degree of penetration increases while simultaneously offering her the advantage of controlling the angle and force of the thrusts.
The "Doggy-style" position offers the greatest degree of penetration with the least amount of stimulation for the woman. However, if you are endowed with any more meat than a Vienna sausage you may be able to 'bottom out' in this position and the pressure on the cervix can provide its own pleasurable sensation.
CAUTION: For decorum's sake, before penetration do not slap her thigh and say, "Spread 'em, Baby. The pigskin bus is pulling into Tuna-town." No matter how receptive you think she is this runs a very high risk of termination before completion.
While pumping away at the old well it is important to observe your partner's physical cues. Is her breath rate increasing? Is she moaning? Has she started calling out my name? These are all cues that she is approaching orgasm.
If she is completely quiet or relaxed, if her lubrication has completely dried up, if she is snoring, you will need to change your pace or technique, or possibly even go back to foreplay to bring her back to the proper level or arousal.
The actual moment of orgasm manifests itself in many different ways for different types of women. I've known women to close their eyes and shake, yell, bite, pull hair, scream foul
language, even cry or laugh. But the almost universal signs are a distinct flushing of the skin and a tightening or
spasm of the vagina. (This is the ONLY time you can get away with asking her who her daddy is.) If these are present you can pretty much climb out of the saddle and go get yourself a beer.
265-
Squirrel Bait meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.
266-
WORDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SEX
"You feel almost as good as my wife."
"You know, your mother is so much better!"
"Mummy, Daddy what are you doing?"
"Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!!
"Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."
"Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"
"Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol
"Oops I did it again."
"Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on in one minute."
"Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."
"Is it in yet?"
"Do you think your sister would like to join us?"
"I think we should paint the ceiling ivory"
"Are you sure you're not named 'Speedy Gonzales'."
"Oops, sorry I called you by your brother's name."
"Did you just have salami for lunch?"
Fart, giggling, fart, giggling, fart, giggling.
"WRONG HOLE!!!"
"Finished! I didn't think you started yet."
Laughing with the explanation: "I just remembered a joke I heard today."
"But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was over."
267-
I went to a party and picked up this young blonde , after a few drinks we both got, a bit passionate and , although we had never met before , I asked her to come back to my place. I nearly passed out when her reply was yes. We had only been home 5 minutes , making a brew in the kitchen when she came out with, "Would you like a
wank?"
I immediately replied "Oh yes please", and her fucking reply was "OK, I'll be in the lounge when you've finished".
268-
Sexy Wisdom
If you're oversexed, you should get married. Trust me, it'll help ya taper off
Friend of mine always has sex on his mind Once a month like clockwork, he gets a nosebleed
I remember one girl from high school sex class She WAS the class' homework every night
Girl came down with a rare disability -- an ingrown mattress
Gifts are tough to buy for this girl I know -- I mean, what can ya give someone who's had everyone
She was so gentle, wouldn't molest a fly -- unless it was open of course
She doesn't run after men any more -- now she roller blades
Men like her because of her vocabulary -- "Yes" is the greater part of it
For all of you non-smokers out there, trust me -- There's nothing better before a cigarette than sex
Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right Sex IS dirty -- but only if you do it right
269-
What is FOREPLAY?
1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.
270-
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"
"Partly," she said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN!'"
271-
Sexual Tension Quiz
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.
Clues
1. a. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. b. Sometimes I drip. c. When you blow me, it feels good.
2. a. I'm spread before I'm eaten. b. Your tongue gets me off. c. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. a. I assist an erection. b. Sometimes big balls hang from me. c. I'm called a big swinger.
4. a. Over 1,000 people went down on me. b. I wasn't maiden for long. c. A big hard thing ripped me open .
5. a. You stick your poles inside me. b. You tie me down to get me up. c. I get wet before you do.
6. a. When I go in I cause pain. b. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. c. I can fill your hole.
7. a. A finger goes in me. b. You fiddle with me when you're bored. c. The best man always has me first.
8. a. All day long, it's in and out. b. I discharge loads from my shaft. c. Both men and women go down on me.
9. a. I go in hard. b. I come out soft. c. You blow me hard.
10. a. If I miss, I hit your bush. b. It's my job to stuff your box. c. When I come, it's news.
11. a. I offer Protection. b. I get the finger ten times. c. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. a. I have a stiff shaft. b. My tip penetrates. c. I come with a quiver.
13. a. My business is briefs. b. I am a cunning linguist. c. I plead and plead for it.
14. a. I make some guys shoot in the air. b. I usually have a little pecker. c. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
Answers:
1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent 6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum 10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney 14 bird
272-
For months, I've been getting spam emails offering to sell me pills that will increase the size of my penis up to three inches. I just ignored them and deleted them, but then curiosity got the best of me and I decided to try them, just to see what would happen.
I answered the ad and when the pills arrived, I was so anxious to try them, that I opened the package and without reading the instructions, took one and let it dissolve on my tongue.
It worked, but I have to ask you ladies, "What am I going to do with an eight-inch tongue?"
273-
People are always telling me, "Talk to the hand!" but I never fall for that. Sure, it *starts* with talk, then you're having drinks with the hand -- and before you know it, you're having cheap, unfulfilling sex that you feel guilty about the next day.
Or at least that's the way it always goes for me at home.
274-
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut.
Leave some for the rest of us.
275-
Pulled this girl last night. She was kinda strange looking but after a few drinks we went back to her place. She was absolutely incredible. She unzipped my fly and got it out and started to do amazing things. I was in ecstasy, so I said to her, "You certainly know how to handle that." She replied, "I should, I used to have one."
276-
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
277-
"The only way to have safe sex is to abstain...................... From drinking."
278-
"Hey Doug," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?"
"Damned right!" replied Doug. "I count on it."
279-
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends,..." she quickly responded. "... Your face, or mine?"
280-
MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING SEX
Kissing/Light Petting
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy A ward for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
281-
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny
organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
282-
Porn Facts ~ The 100 Rules Of Porn
1. When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on it. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.
3. All women love to swallow.
4. Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
5. Premature ejaculation? Never!
6. Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
7. School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.
8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic intercourse.
9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry.
10. When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
11. Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the face of the earth.
12. A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her first fuck.
13. Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
14. Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open while they have sex.
15. No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
16. All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
17. All black guys are extremely well hung.
18. All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
19. Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is.
21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.
22. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
23. Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
24. Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.
26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.
28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.
29. Who needs condoms?
30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women (i. e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).
31. If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.
32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.
33. A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
35. Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.
36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how air-headed they may be.
37. Older women are desirable only to younger, teenaged boys... but fortunately, those older women are more than willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.
38. Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for babysitters and children to find.
39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.
40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.
41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up backstage doing all her co-workers.
42. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.
43. Long hair never gets in the way.
44. Your girlfriend's mum is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just as horny.
45. And your best friend's mum looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.
46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even the first time.
47. Even after drinking.
48. When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before fucking your friend's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was Diet Coke.
49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
50. Men never lose their erection in the middle of things.
51. Women always love having their nipples bitten right away, while they're still warming up.
52. No one ever gets sore or cramp.
53. Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for hours at a time.
54. Especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.
55. All women love facials. Really.
56. The man's dick never accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.
57. Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
58. A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when a lesbian eats her out.
59. Two or more high school girls left alone all weekend in a big house will invariably engage in lesbian sex.
60. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately introduced to every sex act imaginable.
61. If you're a single male, visiting married friends will involve your fucking the wife while the husband fucks you because, you know, it just feels right.
62. All attractive women are insatiably bisexual.
63. But all "bisexual" women really want a man. That's why two women having sex with each other will instantly drop everything and pay all their attention to the man who just walked in on their scene.
64. All women have a secret longing to fuck someone other than their husband, so that they can finally see what a "real dick" feels like.
65. All married men are under-endowed, and every wife cheats with a man whose dick is twice her husband's size.
66. Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to the bar.
67. No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home from that bar and tells him how a stranger just fucked her better than she'd ever gotten it from her husband.
68. Instead of being mad, having just learned that his wife cheated on him with another man, a husband will get more turned on than he's ever been in his life and willingly suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy.
69. He will then begin planning her next night out where he will be able to join her and maybe even get to watch her fuck another strange man.
70. If the husband decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will not actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched in sperm by several men/eaten out by a wild lesbian/fucked silly by a total stranger.
71. If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who encourages her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much he loves her.
72. Only men who are already married themselves sleep with another man's wife (presumably because their own wife is already having an affair with another man).
73. Bosses routinely have sex with their married female employees, with no fear of sexual harassment charges being filed.
74. Every woman desires sex with their boss.
75. After sex, no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with the threat of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.
76. Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on you with another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.
77. It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in" his future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at most hours before the ceremony.
78. When two couples swap partners for a night, both wives prefer sex with the other woman's husband over their own.
79. A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15 years will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for another man who she just met.
80. When a woman wants to have an affair, she immediately becomes very undiscerning and never worries that the person she finds in the bar and fucks minutes after meeting him might have a sexually transmitted disease.
81. Only married women looking to cheat on their husband go to bars.
82. Only horny young guys who are looking for married women are there to pick them up.
83. If a guy is lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening (keyhole, hole in wall, gap between window shade and windowsill), he will be treated to a full-blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.
84. If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue her strip-and-masturbation routine for him.
85. If the man and the woman are in locations physically close to each other (adjoining rooms, for instance), she will then burst into his room and force him to confess.
86. She will then fuck him.
87. If the wife walks in while the father is fucking his 16-year-old daughter, she will not get mad.
88. Instead she'll drops all her clothes and participate.
89. When mum/sis/aunt accidentally walks in on her masturbating 16-year-old son/brother/nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex.
90. She then calls him into her room.
91. She then asks him questions about his virginity.
92. She then fucks him.
93. It never crosses mum's mind that screwing her son is going to cause him problems in the future.
94. It's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."
95. When a woman first tastes cum, she immediately loves the taste.
96. Pizza delivery boys are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
97. Hospital patients are the fifth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
98. If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't specifically
"bestiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a human female.
99. Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.
100. So are dogs.
283-
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."
284-
A teenage boy and his steady girlfriend were making out in his parked car, when the boy got really turned on, and said, "Please darlin', I can't take it anymore, I have to get some relief."
- His girl replies, "You know I am saving myself until we get married!"
- He continues to plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in for a while, just let me marinate it a little?"
- Finally getting a bit steamed up herself, she reluctantly agrees, but says, only if it's the head. So he anxiously unzips and fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into the softness of her secret treasure and that's all he does, well for about 30 seconds anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried away and before you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping away with deep thrusts for all he's worth.
- After a few minutes his lady love moans and thrilling to the mounting pleasure and a new awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we have this deal, that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels so damn good, go ahead and give it all to me!"
- Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust, but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deal’s a deal."
285-
A guy is dropping off a girl at the end of their first date. As he's kissing her goodnight, he pulls down his zipper, takes out his cock, and puts it in her hand.
She says, "I've got two words for you! Drop dead!" She jumps out, slams the car door, runs up the walk, storms in the house, and slams the front door.
Then, there's a knock on the door. She answers it, and the guy is standing there with tears in his eyes. He says, "And I've got two words for you... let go!"
286-
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
287-
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
288-
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR OR SAY IN BED
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living.
But everybody looks funny naked.
How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
Is that you I smell?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
This would be more fun with some more people, is your brother at home?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Did I mention the video camera?
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
289-
A Survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs:
10% liked the feeling
12% liked the dominance
78% liked the fucking silence
and most agree that the three are not mutually exclusive.
290-
Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.
A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's about an 8."
The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6."
The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."
The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking."
All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.
The man from California exclaims "9"
The man from New York cries "8.5"
The man from St. Louis says "2"
The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types."
Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.
The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"
The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"
The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!"
The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser method."
The man from California asks "What is that?"
The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
291-
RECIPE FOR SEX
You Will Need
2 Large jugs….. of milk
2 Nuts
2 Pairs of tanned & toned legs
2 Pairs of loving arms
1 Firm & ripe banana
1 Small & tight mixing bowl
1 Squirt of cream
Directions
1. Spread tanned & toned legs with loving arms
2. Carefully caress & massage jugs of milk
3. Steadily add the firm banana to mixing bowl easing in & out until fully creamed
4. As temperature increases, plunge banana deeper into mixing bowl, cover with nuts then leave to soak
5. When fully beaten, top with whipped cream
6. Recipe finished when banana is soft
7. If banana is not soft, repeat steps 2-5
Notes
1. Always wash utensils before & after use
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use
292-
A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.
"Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you who's old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."
She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oh boy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs,
I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked.
"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
293-
The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"
294-
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
295-
A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing. "You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"DAMN," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
296-
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
297-
So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last weekend.
What happened?
Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to suck it?"
What did you do?
Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you go ahead. You don't have enough to share."
298-
WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
299-
A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a pair of silver shoes when a guy sidled up beside her. "Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed with me." "Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much." He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm. And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was getting bored himself. She suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and shouted, "WOW!" "I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting excitement. "I don't. But I just LOVE these new silver shoes!"
300-
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. " It's my husband," the woman says. " Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says," Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" " Yes, I am." " Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway."
301-
A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls wanted to provide the service for him, so finally they drew lots and Julie was the unlucky one. So they went up to the room. A minute later, there was a loud scream. The madam and all the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Julie lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude, and with a two foot penis hanging down and touching the floor. The girls were awe struck by the sight. Finally, one of the girls says," sir, would you mind if I felt it? I've never seen anything like that before." The midget replies," Okay, honey. But only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall!"
302-
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what do you want?" The man said, "What I WANT is to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight, then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze you, and then run my hands along your inner thighs and run them up underneath your dress and come to your sweet love hole and lightly finger it and then simultaneously unbutton your blouse with my teeth and suck on your beautiful tits and then bite your nipples lightly.... ... What I NEED is a new tie!"
303-
A brothel in the outback is going about its daily business , when the front door is kicked down by a huge cattle man armed with a giant
stockwhip. He cracks the whip, and shouts out, "Thunder, Lightning !! I want a woman !!" The madam of the house, who is a seasoned professional, says in an unperturbed manner, "Upstairs, second door on the left, leave $ 50.00 here." Which he does. Upon entering the second door on the left, he sees the woman of questionable virtue lying in a voluptuous manner upon an ornate bed. She rises slowly , and begins to sashay her way across the room. She doesn't get far. The big cattle man pushes her down on the bed, cracks his giant
stockwhip, taking off one of her earrings, and exclaims in a loud voice, "Thunder! I want a woman !!" The woman is stunned by the sudden turn of events. Before she can say anything, he turns to the light switch flicking it up and down. "Lightning !!" he cries, then he blasts off the other earring of the woman with a well placed crack of the whip. "Thunder !! I want a woman !!!" The woman is nearly deaf, and tries to compose herself. Suddenly the cattleman turns on the ceiling fan, and cries " Wind !!!" Ticky ,
ticky, ticky goes the light switch. "Lightning" cries the cattleman, and with his
stockwhip, blasts off some of her garments. "Thunder ... I want a woman." He switches the fan onto a higher setting, and cries, "Storm !!!" He plays with the light switch again screaming, "Lightning !" and with several more cracks of the old bull whip deftly removes her remaining outer garments. Her flimsy underwear struggles to contain bulging female bits. The cattleman is now getting quite worked up. He turns the fan on to full, screaming "Tempest !!" and drops his trousers and proceeds to urinate copiously all over the hapless woman. "Torrential Rain !!! " screams the cattleman, and once again plays with the light switch. "Lightning" screams the cattle man, and with his stockwhip blasts her brassiere down the middle. Two well formed breasts lunge out, begging to be fondled. Another crack of the whip slices her knickers in two to reveal a quivering
quim. "Thunder !!!..... I WANT A WOMAN" The woman of questionable virtue is now very aroused by all this and she cries out, "Go on then, you big brute, take me !!" And he says, "What? In this weather ??"
304-
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini dress. Using the time
honoured ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back!" he replied.
305-
On the way upstairs to her room, the prostitute said not a word to her customer. He finally said, "Are you feeling hostile tonight?"
She replied, "Missionary-style, doggy-style, hos-style, whatever turns you on!"
306-
Murphy's Laws On Sex.
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring but don't say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
307-
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.
He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his penis into the first hole. And, surprisingly, it feels good... it feels very good... And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.
So he puts his dick in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his dick out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood. He's crying because of the pain.
An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter. He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn penis.
And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says,
"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"
308-
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?
AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well ma'am... I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm... I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm.. well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead...
Caller: What are you wearing?
AOL: <click
309-
The new daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as hey were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, 'Before we go any further, Grezelda, tell me -- do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?'
'As a matter of fact,' smiled the girl, 'I do happen to have a foot fetish.... But I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches.'
310-
You know you're kinky...
.. you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.
... you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
... you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to
... someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot
... your favourite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets
... your toilet seat is leather.
... you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths
... you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather!
... you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.
... leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
311-
Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore. He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt. The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy. "They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your face looks familiar."
312-
Research has shown that a portion of a women's brain area shuts down during orgasm, but will remain active if they are faking it.
- That means if your partner is doing a crossword puzzle while she is climaxing, you are no doubt doing something wrong.
313-
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. So they go into an alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
314-
Q: Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A: You could get foot in mouth disease.
315-
Sir, Having learned that you are interested in lodging, I am pleased to inform you that I have for you, should you be interested, a nice front apartment, with neat lawn on both sides of the principal entry, which was formally very narrow but which has now been enlarged by the first renter.
Some have found the lodging humid but have not been inconvenienced by that. The temperature is always the same, no matter what the season. The only inconvenience is the arrival of foreign visitors who come for a few days each month.
There is also a little rear entry, hidden by two large pieces of terrain, and I make sure that no one enters that way. Once I had to get rid of a renter who insisted in wanting to come in that doorway, which I reserved for my personal needs.
Several offers have come to me, but I don't care for people who just come and go. They often back out without notice and also create a mess. I am hoping to find a renter experienced in gardening, who knows how to keep the grass watered and keep the property up.
Gas is installed in the rear, and water in the front. The electric button, which is very sensitive, is found at the front.
Persuaded that you will be pleased, I am available to show you the property and will give you my full attention.
Miss Mandy Lifeboats
316-
Two prostitutes were talking. The first one said, "Last night I made $500 and I feel like a bottle of champagne."
"Well, last night I made $5000," said the second, "and I feel like a pot of glue!"
317-
A man goes into a little neighbourhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what... I live just around the corner - what do you think about coming up to my place?"
"That sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well... uh... I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're
*sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.
She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah, let's go!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Mmmf, yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out,
"GEORGE! Come and get it!"
318-
WOULD I LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
I'D RATHER...
I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.
I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables whilst being bitch whipped by a fat,
moustached geek named Spyros.
I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.
I would rather dry fuck a polar bear.... in a phone booth.
I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed haemorrhoids.
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter.... and not a twist off either.
I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass... with a short stick.
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass... and jog a mile.
I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.
319-
The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop.
"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . "
"And then what?"
"And then all heaven broke loose!"
320-
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent...................... 12 Calories
Without her consent............... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand............................ 12 Calories
With your teeth........................... 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection......................... 6 Calories
Without an erection................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot......... .. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up....................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow.......................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier.................. 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately............... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old.................. 36 Calories
30-39 years......................... 80 Calories
40-49 years......................... 124 Calories
50-59 years......................... 972 Calories
60-69 years......................... 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
321-
Penis Mileage
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut. Leave some for the rest of us.
322-
Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for, are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby...."
323-
I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier.
No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The simple difference
is, "Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on.
So there... now you know.
324-
In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men that I have found ...
Gay or Straight ... they all want blow-jobs.
325-
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He sits next to him and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul: "You know that beautiful girl at work I wanted to ask out but got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up: "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "So, when are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul: "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Very sensible..." says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul: "and I rang the doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face..!"
326-
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
327-
Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
328-
Pete met Suzanne in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzanne invited Pete to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Suzanne began tenderly stroking Pete's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Pete comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?
Suzanne replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "
329-
Johnny wanted to screw, Margie, a girl in his class..... but she belonged to someone else..... one day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you 100 dollars if you let me screw you".... Margie said, "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished with my work by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, Brad..... so she called Brad and told him the story. "We could use some money to go to that concert next week," said Brad, "Tell him 200 dollars, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she tells Johnny and he agrees to 200 dollars.
Half an hour goes by and Brad is waiting for his girlfriend to call. After 1 hour nothing. Finally after 2 hours Brad calls and asks why she hadn't called sooner. She replies, "Do you know how long it takes to pick up 200 dollars in quarters? ."
330-
Rhyming Sex Terms
WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
ANGLE DANGLE -- penis inclination immediately prior to or following an erection or ejaculation.
ASS MASS -- exterior indication of possible interior capacity.
BEAVER CLEAVER -- a red-blooded, All-American guy.
BEAVER FEVER -- an excitement beyond the normal with a resultant extremely hot beaver.
BEAVER LEAVER -- a faggot or homosexual.
BOOBIE LUBEY -- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest.
BUMMER CUMMER -- failure to reach an orgasm.
CASH SLASH -- a beaver only available by rental.
CLIT SPIT -- initial lubrication of a fresh beaver.
DEAD HEAD -- a state of non-erection.
DICK TRICK -- special chemical or compound (Viagra, etc.) used to wake a sleeping or otherwise dormant dick.
ERECTION CORRECTION -- what four hands do the instant the tool slips out.
GANG BANG -- a service rendered to the significant other, and to all of his buddies.
GASKET BASKET -- birth control device, namely a diaphragm.
HANKY PANKY -- any form of sexual stimulation or persuasion designed for a later lower invasion.
HOLE POLE -- penis of larger width and of greater length than normal.
LOOSE JUICE -- stuff responsible for the wet spot left during, and after, lovemaking.
MEAT HEAT -- state of readiness in which sweat begins to accumulate upon or around the instrument of love.
MOISTER OYSTER -- an extremely eager, well lubricated beaver, even more receptive than a JUICY LUCY.
MUNCHIE HUNCHIE -- oral sex preceding sexual intercourse.
NOOKIE BOOKIE -- a crack salesman, a pimp for prostitutes.
NOOKIE CROOKIE -- someone who tries to, or does, gain a sexual favour without full consent of the person involved.
PACKIE CRACKIE -- filling a crack using a much larger than average size packer.
PECKER CHECKER -- madame or health control official in a house of pleasure.
PETER EATER -- descriptive term for individuals performing oral sex on males.
PETER METER -- unit below which love muscles are neither accepted nor admitted.
PILL THRILL -- mood while under the influence of Ecstasy or a similar mind altering substance.
POUND HOUND -- descriptive name for actions of someone making up for a long period of sexual inactivity.
SHINEY HINEY -- event involving defurring of a beaver.
SILLY WILLY -- tendency of the love muscle to either rise or fall at the wrong time.
TEAR DEAR -- drops forming in the eye of one on every occasion her virginity is again sacrificed.
TOOL FOOL -- someone who would rather play with, or admire, it than use it.
TURKEY LURKEY -- a married man lurking in the corner and ready to pounce once a single guy has softened her up with drinks and sweet talk.
TUSH BUSH -- exhibiting abundant expanse of pubic hair.
TWAT SQUAT -- sex position involving the female in the dominant position.
VAGINA DECLINER -- a faggot or homosexual.Rhyming Sex Terms
331-
A guy walks out of a house of ill repute and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought. "Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"
332-
Q. How is music like your sex life?
A. Three-quarter is swing time, one-quarter is ragtime.
333-
Idiot's Guide To Sex.....
* IN-> OUT<- *Repeat as often as possible*
* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over.
* A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.
* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA.
* Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
* If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
334-
There are MANY ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things men should NOT to say on a date...
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* People say I remind them of Peewee Herman.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose and boob job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching and farting contest.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
335-
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
336-
Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex
10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynaecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
337-
101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
1.. But everybody looks funny naked!
2.. You woke me up for that?
3.. Did I mention the video camera?
4.. Do you smell something burning?
5.. What tampon?
6.. Try breathing through your nose.
7.. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8.. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.. But whipped cream gives me the shits.
11.. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
12.. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13.. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.. Do you accept Visa?
15.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25.. Got any penicillin?
26.. But I just brushed my teeth...
27.. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.. I want a baby!
30.. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!
31.. (In a ménage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.. I think you have it on backwards.
35.. When is this supposed to feel good?
36.. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.. Is that blood on the headboard?
39.. Did I remember to take my pill?
40.. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
42.. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.. So, how's your mother?
45.. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?
46.. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47.. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
50.. You're almost as good as my ex!
51.. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53.. You look younger than you feel.
54.. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.. Does your husband own a sawn-off shotgun?
59.. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
61.. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.. I have a sickening confession...
65.. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.. Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
73.. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74.. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.. Does this count as a date?
76.. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
79.. You can cook, too right?
80.. When would you like to meet my parents?
81.. Have you ever tried it in the nose?
82.. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83.. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
84.. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
85.. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87.. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93.. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94.. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.. Is this a sin too?
96.. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101.. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
338-
Idiot's Guide To Sex.....
* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over.
* A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.
* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA.
* Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
* If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
339-
Mary: How did your blind date go the other night?
Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "menage a trois."
Mary: Oh, Dear!
Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!
340-
I actually learned about sex watching neighbourhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh.
I think the most important thing I learned was: never let go of the girl's leg no matter how hard she tried
to shake you off.
341-
A man takes his newly-turned 16 years-old son to a prostitute as a birthday treat. The sum of £60 pounds was agreed and she took the boy by his arm into her room. Being a nosy fellow and wanting to know that his boy was getting his money's worth the father decides to listen in at the door.
Things get underway and very soon the foreplay gives way to intercourse, being quite new to it all the young lad is taking it carefully and stops, (thinking he's hurting her), when he hits the six inch mark as the woman starts panting and moaning heavily. Asking her if she's alright, she suddenly exclaims: "if you can give me another inch I¹ll knock £20 off your bill", the young lad duly complies, 30 seconds later the woman again says: "Give me another inch and I¹ll knock another £20 off your bill", again the lad duly complies.
Yet again, another 30 seconds later the prostitute says to the young lad: "If you can give me another inch, I¹ll give this one to you for free...", at which point the father bursts into the room, pulls his son from between the prostitutes thighs and says: ..."Stand back Son, time to see your Dad make a profit!"
342-
A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"
"Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'. When you white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam!
Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. We put in hard, then pull it out real slow and easy. That's the secret man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then jam it in real hard and fast an pull it out real slow and gentle like. Works every time."
The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but he jams it in like before, but pulls it out very slowly and very gently.
"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a black guy?"
343-
A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Milan, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks,
"Now, you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he l ooks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again,
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,
"No, I Swedish!"
344-
----man of few words met woman of few words. he, you wanna fuck?
she, my place or yours.
he, hell if you want to argue about it, just forget it.
345-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
346-
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the
man: "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says: "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a black leather, dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said: "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says: "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
347-
Yellatio: Really loud oral sex
348-
Idiots Guide To Sex
* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.
* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
* Membership of the Mile*High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.
* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!
* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.
349-
What is the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first
time
350-
Let's just say, "hypothetically," that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening. And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine. And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted. And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage. Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle caused me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8). Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump. That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot. This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second. Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion. AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off
its tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.
Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.
351-
While in the Army, a sergeant walked into the shower area one day and caught Doug giving himself a
dishonourable discharge.
Without missing a beat, Doug looked up at the sergeant and said, "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
352-
Q: How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
353-
There is hot sex, fast sex, oral sex, safe sex, leather sex, phone sex, group sex and for people with a face like yours, there is masturbation.
354-
What are the 2 most important holes on a women?
Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.
355-
A man goes into a little
neighbourhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!" You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?" It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. Before we go up there though the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?" "Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!" So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?" "Definitely!" the man replies. "All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees." "Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the man. The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"
356-
THE BASE RULES
First base: Kissing (with tongue).
Second base: Rubbing or fondling a girl's breasts. (Some hardcore fanatics used to insist that getting to second base required going under the shirt and unhooking the bra. Less staunch definitions allowed feeling the boobies over the shirt).
Third base: Fondling the vulva. (Unrestricted access required in all schools of thought. Any material posing as a barrier, whether denim, cotton or silk, disqualified you from being able to say 'I got to third base!'. If you reached third you had probably put a lot of time into the relationship, and thus tricked the girl into thinking you were a nice guy. A smelly finger was required as proof).
Homerun: Actual vaginal penetration. Minimum of one pump required (by both schools) before prematurely ejaculating and saying, "Wow, I never got off that fast before. You're special."
Footnotes:
Dry humping never earned its own base because it was practiced by many couples who never even reached second base.
A hand job was like being caught in a rundown between third and home plate. After a hand job many boys were unable to masturbate for days due to the torture inflicted on their poor little willies by girls who thought they were speed-shifting in the friggin' Indy 500.
Oral sex was considered a Grand slam. Unfortunately, it only came at the stage of the relationship where, A: the girl started talking about marriage. Or B: your relationship was in the pits and she just started dating someone secretly and was using you for; A: Practice. Or B: To show you what you would soon be missing. The only time oral sex was not considered a Grand slam was when you got it from a girl at a party who had blown five other guys beside yourself.
357-
Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city. In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know , they have some women up there that have sex with other women," In a whispered voice, her friend replies. "Oh my! what do they call them?" "They call them lesbians." "And there's men who have sex with other men, says the woman. "They call them homosexuals>" Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And ,they have these men up there that will put their face in a women's privates and kiss and lick all around..." "Do tell!" gasps her friend, "What do they call them?" Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."
358-
Here's a list of my favourite things to do..... well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the
neighbours, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and,
I'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the
scrote. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe (that's my
favourite) You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a
labour of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK
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After Sex Responses
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we g