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Politics 2

201-
RECENT ORDERS TO TROOPS IN IRAQ.
To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

202-
Two men meet in a pub. One says to the other, "Do you know the joke about Tony Blair having to leave office and become a lavatory attendant?" "No," says the second.
"Neither do I," says the first, "but I just like the way it starts."

203-
George Bush this morning on CNN announced that the floods in New Orleans are believed to be the work of a suicide plumber from Iraq.

204-
I went to a Muslim birthday party yesterday and after the food there were games.......
That was the fastest game of “Pass the parcel” I’ve ever played.

205-
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.

206-
Morals
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in New Orleans and there is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's the President, George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options, you can save the life of the President or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

207-
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks ... "How many is a Brazillion ??!"

208-
True to British generosity the UK, instead of sending aid to Pakistan following the disastrous earthquake, they're sending replacements.

209-
"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."
-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina, 2005 

"Ditto" 
-- Mary Jo Kopechne, posthumously

210-
NEWSFLASH!
London police are in trouble again. They have just shot a bus load of Thalidomide Muslims, on suspicion of bringing small arms into the country.

211-
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED: Governmentium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. 
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morons." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

212-
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

213-
President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers. Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out the better.

214-
"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. 
He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."

215-
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. 
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so our early human ancestors just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement". 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, weaving and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlymen'. 
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, class action lawsuits, the invention of group therapy &group hugs and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, hair dressers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. 
Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, self employed, athletes &generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. 
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. They also like to take money away from successful people and give it to the failures. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame &created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. 
Thus ends today's lesson in world history.

216-
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELLING IN MUSLIM AREAS:
AKBAR KHALIKILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. Thank you for showing me your marvellous gun.
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHALEH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM HESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

217-
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. 
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour. 
The disease is called Gonorrhoea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." 
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour. 
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

218-
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"...and deductions for masturbation.

219-
Q: What did George Bush do when he found out Tony Blair got a nipple ring? 
A: He got a Dick Cheney. 

220-
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,... 'appiness!'"

221-
Dear IRS, 
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. 
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet s eat. 
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. 
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. 
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. 
Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer

222-
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. 
It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.

223-
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long grey hair, wearing a white robe and sandals and holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and asked, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy, or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. "Watch!"
Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and I ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

224-
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like.
We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint." 
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: 
"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people.
He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. 
But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint." 

225-
Denmark! you really do have to appease the Muslims over the cartoons. 
The best thing you can do to calm them down is to send them a ship load of Danish bacon. 

226-
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married, Liverpool seem to be doing well in Europe, and English cricket is on fire, someone better warn the Pope to keep his fucking head down.

227-
Recently an image of Jesus on a pizza and the Virgin Mary on  a bagel have sold for record sums on E. Bay.
What will the image of Mohammed on a bacon sandwich fetch?

228-
Q. what do you call a muslim with a pig on his head?
A. Hamed 
Q.what do you call a muslim with a pig and a cow on his head?
A. MOOhamed!

229-
I am a senior citizen. 
During the Clinton Administration I had a good job. 
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse because of his policies. 
I lost my job. 
I lost my home. 
I lost my health insurance. 
I lost my two sons in that terrible War in Iraq. 
As a matter of fact, I've lost virtually everything and become homeless. 
Instead of getting some help, I only got hassled. 
George W. Bush has to go!
We should do anything that Senators Kennedy, Clinton, and Kerry want to do to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House with the next election. 
Sincerely, 
Saddam Hussein

230-
"We can count on the French to be there when they need us."

231-
The following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:
Kingsville Dispatch
"Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online
"Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable" 
Dallas Morning News
"Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman
"Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post
"Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation
"Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News
"Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle
"Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle
"Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza
"Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News
"Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman
"Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune
"Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"

232-
This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on the same day. 
It is an ironic juxtaposition:
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog.

233-
Customer walks into a porno store asking for an inflatable doll...
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?
Customer says, "Female'
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

234-
The Official Apology from Denmark to the Muslim world
We're sorry we gave you shelter when war drove you from your home country
We're sorry we took you in when others rejected you
We're sorry we gave you the opportunity to get a good education
We're sorry we gave you a food and a home when you had none
We're sorry we let you re-unite with your family when your homeland was no longer safe
We're sorry we never forced you to work while WE paid all your bills
We're sorry we gave you almost FREE rent, phone, internet, car and school for your 10 kids
We're sorry we built you mosques so you could worship your religion in our Christian land
We're sorry we never forced you to learn our language after staying 30 years
And so…….from all Danes to the entire Muslim world we just want to say
FUCK YOU

235-
In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President Bush has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands and Turkey 

236-
Back in Arkansas, just prior to Bill Clinton's first run for the governership, his campaign manager thought that a touch of hometown nostalgia was needed to reinforce the candidate's image as a small-town boy. So he sent a researcher off to Hope, AK to gather stories about Billy's youth.
Things went well for most of the first day. The researcher managed to locate Bill's 5th grade teacher who just gushed over what a fine young lad Billy was. She had several anecdotes to pass along. He talked with the baseball coach, the physics teacher and even found the little girl Bill had a crush on in Jr. High -- and again, got good stories that could be used to demonstrate young Clinton's character and hometown values.
By the time he started knocking on doors in the countryside near where young Bill grew up he had his campaign ads half-written. And that's when he met Amos J. Pettigrew...one of Hope's most successful farmers. Here's how their conversation went...
"Mr. Pettigrew, I'm Lawson Merriweather, and I'm working on Bill Clinton's campaign for the job of governor. Can I trouble you to think back and see if you remember any good anecdotes from Mr. Clinton's youth here in Hope that we could use to explain to the good citizens of Arkansas what a fine man he is and how he got to be that way?"
Pettigrew turned beet red, puffed up and looked just like he was going to explode. "Billy CLINTON? Why ah wouldn't vote fer thet little sumbitch fer DOGCATCHER, let alone guvner! Jeeeesus, Mary and Joseph!"
This revelation almost knocked Merriweather out of his sox. He had visions of some horrible scandal that was surely going to derail his candidate's campaign before it even got started . "Dear me Mr. Pettigrew, why on EARTH would you say such a thing? Everybody else I've talked to seems to LOVE Bill Clinton."
"Well sonny, lemme jest 'splain it to you," said Pettigrew....
"Bout 15 years ago I had me one a the finest damn bulls thet's ever been seen in this state. Old Methusala wuz jest about the most beautiful hunk-a-Holstein the Good Lord ever done put on the face of this earth. Other cattlemen used to bring their heifers in from 2-300 miles away jest ta git serviced by Old Methusala, and he done 'em proud, I can tell ya. I wuz pullin' in $4-500 a week with that ole boy.
Then one mornin' I come out and Old Methusala was jest standin' in the corner of his pen over on the side of the house thar. Good-lookin heifer had been in there with 'im all night and she weren't mussed up a bit. The old boy hadn't done his bizness, and he didn't look like he was gonna. I'm tellin' you what's the truth now, I wuz damned worried. That weren't like Methusala at ALL. Sumpin wuz damned sure wrong.
I run in the house agin and called up old Doc Seabrook. Tol' him how Old Methusala wuz actin', and Doc he jest chuckled and said, 'Shit howdy Amos, the damned bull's jest plugged up. Ya need to loosen up his bowels a bit. Pump some warm water 'n soap sud's in him and he'll be fine'.
Well, it wuzn't till I'd hung up the phone thet I thought to ask m'self how I wuz gonna go about gettin' water and soap suds into the rear end of thet mean sumbitch. Methusala wouldn't put up with much messin' around, if ya know whut ah mean.
And right then I had an idee. I 'membered I had this ol' bugle up in the attic, and I figured it'd make a damn fine funnel. I set a bucket o' water out in the sun, poured some laundry soap in't, and went up to look fer the bugle.
It took me some time ta find it -- hadn't seen the damned thing since I come home from the Army -- but I finally did, and carried it down to the pen. Old Methusala still hadn't moved, and that heifer was a pretty little thing.
Movin' slow so's not to spook him, I kinda snuck round behind Old Methusala with the bugle and the bucket of soapy water. I managed to slide the bugle gently up his backside, and Old Methusala didn't move a muscle. Then I tipped the bucket up and poured the soapy water right on in.
With thet, Methusala jumped straight up into the air -- sumbitch went STRAIGHT UP. Three feet or more, and he kicked his hind legs like some one had shot him with rock salt or sumpin. Best I can figger, that water had got a hell of a lot hotter than I thought sittin' out in the sun like thet. Musta smarted sumpin awful.
But that warn't the worst part. When Methusala kicked up his heels like'at a whole bunch'a air rushed outta his innards, and the bugle gave off a real load WHOOP.
Thet musta scared hell outta the idjit 'cause he jumped agin, this time right toward the gate -- and the bugle let out another WHOOP. Right through the gate the sumbitch went, tore it all to flinders, then headed fer thet field over yonder. And I was right behind him tryin' to get the critter to slow down.
The water musta still been botherin' him though, 'cause he kicked up his heels agin, and WHOOP, WHOOP -- he was off to the races.
All the way acrost thet field -- me 'n the bull -- dodgin' here and there-- me hollerin' -- the bull kickin -- and thet dadblamned bugle goin' WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP.
When we got to thet far corner of the field, the bull jest veered to th' right and went through that gate down there by the road. Jest rammed right through it like it wasn't nothin. Bugle WHOOPed agin. The bull kept right on agoin'.
Now the big guy was comin' up on the drawbridge down there at the river, and he wuz kickin' and WHOOP-in' to raise the dead. And there sits that damnfool Billy Clinton, doin' his summer job a-tendin' the drawbridge.
Guess he musta been nappin' or sumpin, but as soon's he heered that WHOOP-in' he jumps up and raises the guldern bridge. My prize bull kicked agin, WHOOP-ed one more time and disappeared over the edge into the river. Sumbitch sunk like a stone. Never seed him agin.
Now I don't know about you sonny, but any damn fool thet don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull with a bugle up his rear don't deserve to be guvner of this fair state!!"

237-
A woman wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents  (terrorists) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received the following reply: 
The White House 
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C.20016 
Dear Concerned Citizen, 
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. 
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. 
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. 
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. 
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. 
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka - over time. 
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his "religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it? 
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed and remember ............ we'll be watching. 
Cordially, 
George W. Bush President

238-
If you are ready for the, adventure of a lifetime TRY THIS: 
Enter Pakistan or China illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. 
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family. 
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly. 
Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, "It is a cultural English thing. You would not understand, pal." 
Keep your English identity strong. Fly the Union Jack from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper. 
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise. 
Demand classes on English culture in their school system. 
Demand a local driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorized, illegal presence in their country. Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws, such as street racing. 
Insist that local law enforcement teach English to all its officers. 
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or soon be dead. Because it will never happen. It will not happen in Pakistan, China or any other country in the world except right here in England, Land of the naive and stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians. If you agree, pass it on. If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, China or Iran.

239-
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today 
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. 
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. 
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. 
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. 
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. 
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. 
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. 
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. 
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. 
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offence, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defence policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. 
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. 
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. 
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt. 
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

240-
TO: Honourable Senator Porky Earmark Washington, D.C 
Dear Sir, 
I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check. 
My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business. 
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm to not raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer to not raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed to not raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. 
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. 
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise? 
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. 
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. 
Patriotically Yours, Ima Taker 
PS. please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese. 

241-
Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed?
You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?

242-
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN J O B . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in A M E R I C A ..... 

243-
During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen this woman.
Bill Clinton replied, "I think I've come across her face a couple of times"

244-
Life’s similarities…. John Prescott and MFI Furniture……
One loose screw and the whole fucking Cabinet falls apart….

245-
Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq. "American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No," answers the other. "It's just CNN.

246-
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. 
“Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." 
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" 
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. 
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. 
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! 
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. 
"They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. 
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. 
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. 
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. 
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. 
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. 
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." 
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" 
"No," said the Lord, "the government beat me to it!" 

247-
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a test that will help you decide. 
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points? Son: Can I shoot the next one! Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

248-
Alexander A Stevens, US Senator and, subsequently Vice-President of the Confederate States, was remarkably short and weighed less than 80 lbs. Once there arose a heated debate between Stevens and a Congressman who was tall and huge. At one point in the debate the big Senator shouted, "Why, I could swallow you and never know I'd eaten a thing." "In that case, you'd have more brains in your belly than you ever had in your head," retorted Stevens. 

249-
A million housewives every day
Pick up a can of beans and say
"Beanz Meanz Heinz!"

A million schoolboys every day
Eat a can of beans and say
"Beanz Meanz Fartz!"

A million no-necks every day
Plaster their car with St George's flags and say
"In-ger-lundd, In-ger-lundd, In-ger-lundd!"

A million tax-payers every day
Look at their take-home pay and say
"Don't say Brown - say tax and spend and waste!"

A million new voters every day
Look at Tony B. Liar and say
"I don't know anybody who voted for that fucking shower!"

A million patriots every day
See a St George's flag and say
"A flag is for life, not just a tournament"

A million Rover-owners every day
Look at their own car and say
"Hey John, want a new[-ish] motor?"

250-
Elections can be very boring, though. In one campaign meeting the candidate droned on and on, until eventually someone in the audience threw a bottle at him. Unfortunately it missed and hit the chairman -- who, as he sank dazed to the floor, was heard to say: "Hit me again, I can still hear the bugger."

251-
How about some quotes from our enlightened leaders:
"Damnit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.
"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee
"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991
"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing an Interior Department advisory group.
"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much limited to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes."
--Pat Buchanan, 1996 Republican presidential candidate.
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.
"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick. They're all making love lying up against the pipeline, and you got thousands of caribou up there."
--George Bush, commenting on the Alaskan pipeline.

252-
The Australians got this right... 
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks. 
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. 
Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. 
"If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you," he said on national television. 
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option," Costello said. 
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. 
Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically, people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off," he said. 
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. 
Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians." 
"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia." 
"However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand." 
"This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle." 
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom" 
"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!" 
"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture." 
"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us." 
"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others. 
"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'." 
"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted." 
Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, English citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voting the same truths!! 

253-
Dear Senator ,
As a native Californian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,

254-
The White House has announced a new public relations drive designed to rehabilitate Vice President Dick Cheney's image among the American people. President George W. Bush, in a speech to the Heritage Society, has called upon that august body to lead the charge in a show of support for the beleaguered Vice President. The program is said to focus on a bi-partisan effort to convince Americans that whether they are Republican, Democrat or Independent, the current Administration is the government for all the people, and Dick Cheney is a vital part of that Administration. The public relations program, called "I LOVE MY DICK!" is an attempt to show Americans that the Vice President belongs to all of them, not just an elite few. White House staffers handed out buttons that said, "I Love My Dick!", "We All Need Dick Now!" and "Your Bush Needs A Dick!" to Heritage members as they left the gathering. In Evangelical churches across the nation, pastors have been encouraged to post such sayings as "Jesus Loves Dick" and "God Bless My Dick". In a man on the street interview Georgetown hair stylist Christopher Street said, "Honey, I think it's fabulous! I've been wearing the "I Love Dick!" button everyday to work to show my support. All of my stylists are very positive about Dick these days as well. It's a whole new Dick loving world baby!" Unnamed White House Source P Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I personally was a little leery of wearing a button that said "Give Me More Dick, Please" but my wife seems to love hers. The only one who doesn't seem too thrilled with the new program is the Vice President's daughter Mary, but I'm not sure why. She does always wear the "I Love Bush" button though. I tell you this right now though, I'm not letting my daughter wear the "Give Me Dick Please!" button, ever." So far public support from the Administration's base seems positive, with Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana urging his congregation to put the "Every Bush Needs A Good Dick" bumper stickers on their trucks and SUV's. Evangelical Christian women seem quite happy to suddenly be allowed to voice their love of Dick as are a distressing number of their husbands.

255-
Another example of your government at work????
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack??
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant??
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office??
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister??
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"??
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign??
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbour's wife while he was engaged to someone else??
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary??
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them??
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet??
11. Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's??
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo??
Answers:
1. John F. Kennedy
2 Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

256-
THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE ENGLISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The English press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of England demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter London city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels? Taxes are reassessed. 
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. 
The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to England as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of English apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the English courts for their treatment since arrival in the UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost 10 million pounds is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching England’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in England.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END (subject to inheritance tax and property revaluation for the squirrel) 

257-
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks. 
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crack down. 
Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state and its laws were made by parliament. 
"If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you," he said on national television.
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia, one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option," Costello said. 
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. 
Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that 
Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off". 
"Basically, people who don't want to be Australians, and they don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then they can basically clear off, "he said. 
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agency's monitoring the nation's mosques. 
AMERICA , Britain and Canada...ARE YOU LISTENING? 
Quote:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. 
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. 
However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. 
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia. 
However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. 
This idea of Australia being a multi cultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. 
This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language! 
Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push but a fact because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, Because God is part of our culture. 

We will accept your beliefs and will not question why, all we ask is that you accept ours and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us. 
If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like " A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. 
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means keep your culture but do not force it on others. 
This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. 
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, "THE RIGHT TO LEAVE". 

If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted. 
Pretty easy really, when you think about it. I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please. 

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE, PERHAPS WE CAN CREATE A GROUND SWELL AND SEND OUR POLITICIANS THE MESSAGE THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF US BELIEVE AS THE AUSSIES DO......... 

258-
Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country.
The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

259-
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labour laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favour if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,

260-
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

261-
My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive petrol...

262-
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, 'John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'. 'Great idea Tony how will we go about it?' said Prescott.
'Well' said Blair, 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside.' 'Right Oh' said Prescott.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?' said Blair. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.
'Tell me,' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?' 'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes!?' 

263-
An arab was found hanging in a slum in Golders Green. The autopsy also showed ten bullet wounds and twenty three knife wounds.
The coroner, Hymie Rosenbaum, recorded the death as the worst case of suicide he had ever seen

264-
The Veil Controversy
The Muslim Council of GREAT BRITAIN and the GOVERNMENT have finally come to a sensible compromise on the situation.
This is how the new veil will look.
I think it might work.

265-
Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer, RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but, please, no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey :2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank - Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose. There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.
(A Bush/Blair Production) Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III

266-
International Security States 
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of alert. 
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain, 'Change sides' and 'Roll around on the ground'.
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They have two higher levels: 'Invade a neighbour' and 'Lose'.
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from 'Isolationism' to 'Find another oil-rich nation for regime change'. Their remaining higher states are 'Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)' and 'Beg the British for help'.
The Australians thought about doing something but have decided that their security level of 'She'll be alright mate' is enough.

267-
Dear Abby: 
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoots the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don' t need him anymore. You're a United States senator from New York. Act like one

268-
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The "cow" starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

269-
A big earth quake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 50,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money.
The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

270-
A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant care-takers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a sub-human form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
George W

271-
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.

272-
Our Wonderful Politicians
Shilpa Shetty is the sweetheart of the UK, or at least the sweetheart of guilty middle-aged men who think that possessing a basic teenager's knowledge of modern pop culture makes then credible to normal people - in short, politicians like Shilpa Shetty.
And Shilpa Shetty just loves politicians right back. Ever since Gordon Brown went to India to try and stop everyone from burning effigies of Jade Goody at the height of the Celebrity Big Brother racistathon, Shilpa Shetty has been enjoying a love affair with all British politicians, and this was topped off yesterday when Shilpa Shetty went to visit the House Of Commons, where she simpered about how nice everyone was, made some weak jokes about how the House Of Commons was a bit like the Celebrity Big Brother house and then went somewhere else.
The best thing about politicians is probably the way they'll leap on any passing fad to try and look like they're not hopelessly out-of-touch with modern voters. For example, there's going to be a debate in the House Of Commons next week entitled Did You See Those Two Boys Kissing On Hollyoaks The Other Day? Man That Was Well Gash, and one of the topics to be covered in the next Prime Minister's Question Time is The Ginger One Out Of Girls Aloud: What's That All About? I Thought They Were All Supposed To Be Pretty Or Sumfink.
So when the big Celebrity Big Brother racism thing kicked off, you could literally smell the anticipation coming from the country's MPs. Politicians were lining up to say how Shilpa Shetty is brilliant and racism is bad and - in the case of Edwina Curry - how Jade Goody was a right old slag. And ever since Shilpa Shetty won Celebrity Big Brother, MPs have been hounding her to come and visit the House Of Commons. After an invite from MP Keith Vaz, Shilpa Shetty took time out from her never-ending quest to find a boyfriend to pootle over to parliament and have a look around. And this, according to The Mirror, is what happened:
The PM ushered her into his office for a private meeting and besotted Leader of the House Jack Straw asked for her autograph. His fellow ministers Peter Hain and Harriet Harman were among Westminster high fliers who joined Shilpa in the plush Members' Dining Room for lunch. They finished up with a dessert named Shilpa's Delight in her honour. Labour chairwoman Hazel Blears even collared her in a corridor and gushed: "You're so glamorous!" And after her chat with the Bollywood beauty, Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell simply exclaimed: "Wow!" Shilpa, 31, said afterwards that Mr Blair, who gave her a picture of the Commons signed by him and wife Cherie, had been "very, very sweet". She said they had discussed the racist bullying she endured in the Big Brother house, adding: "The Prime Minister was really kind. He said I carried myself with the utmost dignity." And as Big Ben struck the hour behind her, she exclaimed: "It gave me goose bumps!"
It's nice to see that Tony Blair still has time to chat with people from reality TV shows and hand them all kinds of rubbishy trinkets when he really should probably be running the entire effing country. At this rate we're half-expecting gushing MPs to lobby to name the Isle Of Wight after Claire Buckfield when she invariably wins Dancing On Ice.
But Shilpa Shetty isn't the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate to receive all kinds of fancy invites. Just as soon as Jo O'Meara stops crying and rocking backwards and forwards she's welcome to visit Dagenham Working Man's Club for the full VIP Chicken In A Basket treatment, and even though Jade Goody has been banned from India, she's hoping to make a step into the Shilpa's Delight market with her own brand of pudding. True, it's going to be called That Racist Shouting Dickhead's Delight, but it's a start.

273-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day......"

274-
T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland , TX , was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":
1. "Red is positive. "
2. "Black is negative. "

275-
A story about a Grasshopper and a squirrel.
THE REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END

276-
NEW BUMPER STICKERS FOR 07
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

277-
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S.A involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.
That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S.A should pull out of Washington.

278-
It turns out the British troops could have been in Iranian waters after all.
The woman was map-reading.

279-
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualise a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. 
These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."

280-
Best of the reported protest signs seen at the recent anti-war demonstration in Washington, DC:
"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB SO WE CAN HAVE HIM IMPEACHED?"

281-
A general practitioner and a nurse were on the train, going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow.
"I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse.
"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from haemorrhoids."
"Well, why is he scratching there, then?"
"Oh, he's Ted Kennedy . He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

282-
The Justice Department says the "vast majority" of the 1,147 unnamed persons incarcerated in the Sept. 11 investigation are still in custody. But the White House says "the overwhelming number" have been released.
If there's a mathematician among the readers, someone please determine what the "overwhelming number" subtracted from the "vast majority" equals. All I come up with is "total governmental bullshit."

283-
I wouldn't call Tony Blair two-faced. Even calling Tony B. Liar an emotionally-retarded spendthrift shit-headed grinning half-wit doesn't do it for me. Frankly, I'm at a loss. I mean, what do you call a politician who says one thing, implies a second, with a vastly different meaning, briefs [off the record, of course] that he actually means a third, has acolytes who imply to the Press that a fourth and even finer thing is intended, and yet manages to achieve a fifth thing - which is usually about one-fourteenth part of the square root of fuck all! Oh, just the second-greatest British Prime Minister of the Twenty-first Century! Even the Millipede chap can't be that bad!

284-
POSSIBLE TITLES FOR MONICA LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK
1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President
10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
11. Deep Inside The Oval Office
12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
13. She's Chief of MY Staff!
14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
15. How To Beat Off the Government
16. Going Down and Moving Up
17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
18. Me and My Big Mouth
19. How To Get Ahead in Business

285-
When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

286-
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.
"I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first.
"They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second.
"They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."

287-
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a Senator from New York.

288-
The readers of the Sun newspaper are delighted with the newly-appointed [British] Home secretary, Jaqui Smith. 
Not for her support of 'hanging and flogging', not for her enlightened views on Community Policing; no - they like her because she's got big tits.

289-
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) 
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. 
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. 
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. 
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call centre," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." 
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either. 
It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect staffing efficiency at the Dell call centre. Special interests and lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. economy.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." 
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. 
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile. 
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators. 

290-
NEWS HEADLINES......... 
AS THE UK STARTS SMOKING BAN MUSLIM LIGHTS UP IN TERMINAL BUILDING OF GLASGOW AIRPORT

291-
'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots oor Johnny walked one day 
When he saw a sicht that troubled him far more that he could say 
A fanatic muslim bastard wiz doin what he'd planned 
And intae Glesca's departure hall a 4 by 4 he'd rammed. 
A big Glaswegian bobby came forward tae assist. He thocht "a wumman driver" Or some wee ned half-pissed 
But to his shock nae drunken Jock emerged to grasp his hand but a flamin Arab loony frae Al Qaeda's band 
The mad Islamist nut-case had set hissel' on fire and swung oot at the polis man GBH his clear desire 
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried and sallied tae the fray A left hook and a heid butt required tae save the day. 
Now listen up Bin Laden yir sort's nae wanted here for imported English radicals us Scoatsman huv nae fear 
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians will have nae bluidy truck so tak yer worldwide jihad an get yersel tae fuck.

292-
The suicide bomber who was on fire up in Scotland is making a good recovery.
He's eating haggis and reciting poetry.....he's in the Burns unit!

293
So, what were the last words in office of the former UK Prime Minister, now - bizarrely - an 'Envoy to the Middle East'? 
Well, we can be sure that the former MP for Sedgefield's last words in office, despite the recent weather in the UK [and in China], were not "Après moi, le deluge"! 
And, even if they had been exactly that - who would have believed Tony B. Liar?

294-
A car bomb has been found outside a Mosque in London.
Scotland Yard have stated that the public have nothing to worry about as they've managed to push it inside.

295-
One of the Glasgow terror suspects has died from his injuries.
His condition has been described as satisfactory. 

296-
What's the three main job requirements for a British Prime Minister? 
1.Be able to read.
2.Be able to write. 
3.Be an arsehole.

What about an American President?
Just number three. 

297-
Council tax revaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. 
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. 
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. ..........
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle ?

298-

299-
What's the difference between Smarties and Muslim Extremists?
Smarties don't melt in the tube.

300-
How to save the airlines ...
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
St