Miscellaneous Long 4
401-
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid
I'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit ?'"
402-
Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.
The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."
The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
"Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."
His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
"A range bull, why a range bull?"
"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."
Leroy nodded in agreement.
Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."
"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.
Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"
403-
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my
slippers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
The father shouts back..."Yes, both of them!"
404-
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss" not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a
shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.
405-
As the wife of a lance corporal in the Marines, I have found the base commissary to have very long lines. After an interminable wait, a friend of mine had almost made it to the checkout counter.
From nowhere, a woman with a cart load of groceries pushed her way forward exclaiming, "I have to go next! I'm invited to a party at the general's house tonight."
Annoyance showed on many faces, until someone farther down the line spoke up.
"You can go to the end of the line," she said. "I'm the one giving the party."
406-
THE JOYS OF BEING 50, 60, 70, + ...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p. m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p. m.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
407-
During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.
"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."
"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."
408-
What will be on your Tombstone
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
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In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me For not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God
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In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went
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Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore One slug from a 44 No Les No Mor
409-
A photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer carefully composed the shot then took the picture.
He headed straight-way to his studio to develop the film. After some anxious waiting for the processing to finish, he looked at the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral of the story: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak...
410-
Our dog, Shaggy, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a. m. Irritated and sleepy, my wife, Sally, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three days she found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the
neighbourhood at 3 a. m. with frantic barking. When Sally looked out the window, she discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Shaggy. Sally hurried outside and found the culprit.
Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbour, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing. My wife demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbour explained.
"If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."
411-
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in
honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.
"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
"Not to worry," said the Dad... "The important thing is that we're all together today. "
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L. A. and didn't have time to get you a present... sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is
sendin g me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
"The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"
Yep," said the Dad...."AND CHEAP ONES TOO
412-
On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.
Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.
Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.
Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.
"Whatever for?" asked her father.
"I've married a pervert," she cried.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."
So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.
He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.
"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer."
Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.
"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.
He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.
"When I married him," she sobbed, my ass-hole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."
"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!"
413-
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.
The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
414-
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
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.
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They were M&M's - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
415-
A very proper elderly lady began planning a week's camping vacation for herself and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B. C." and wrote, "does your campground have it's own B. C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B. C"
He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church, since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:
Dear Madam: The B. C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.
The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
416-
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,
"Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
417-
John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"That's some story there, John, I would have shit my pants."
"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
418-
Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman.
He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was *like brand-new* and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays. He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day.
His boss was furious and threatened to fire Bill if he didn't sell any cars the following day.
The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars.
The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales.
Bill grinned, "Well they didn't believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by your daughter who only used the backseat."
419-
Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.
A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.
A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers.
A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio,
bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon"
420-
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"
421-
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, teenage daughter and dog. The dog has a little dog tutu on -- and a pointy clown hat. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really great act. We'd like you to represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."
The mother says, "If you would please see our act, we know you would like us."
The agent says, "Okay, let me see what you do."
The father hoists his wife and daughter up -- one on each shoulder -- the daughter farts on the way up. The agent sees that the wife's panties have a
rusty-coloured stain. The dog obediently runs out and sits in front of the human pyramid, in the centre of the line.
The dad says, "On the count of three -- one, two... three!"
The daughter and mum begin singing "On the Good Ship Lollypop."
"On the gooood ship lol-EE-pop..."
And as the family sing together, the clown dog does a little dance on its hind legs. The agent sees a little glistening
bubblegum-coloured phallus on the dog.
"... it's a sweeeet trip to the can-DEE shop... ... where bob-bons play..."
The dog poops on the floor in front of the agent's desk.
"... on the sunny beach of peppermint bay..."
The mum & daughter somersault off the dad's shoulders -- he accidentally belches and poops his pants from the heavy lifting.
"Lemonade stands, everywhere crackerjack bands, fill the air and there you are, happy landings on a chocolate bar..."
The daughter slips on the dog poop and lands on her back on the agent's desk with her dress over the agent's head. She then farts. The dog takes a pee on the agent's desk.
The mum & dad continue singing:
"See the sugar bowl do a tootsie roll in a big bad devils food cake, if you eat too much... oh, oh, you'll awake, with a tummy ache."
The agent decides to perform cunnilingus on the girl since his head is up her dress. He can't help himself.
" On the good ship lollipop its a nice trip, in to bed you hop, and dream away, on the good ship lollipop."
Seeing the agent do this turns on the mum & dad. Dad continues singing while
mum puts his penis into her mouth and bobs up and down on it. The dog is under the agent's desk -- humping his leg.
Eventually the daughter cums on the agent's face, the dog cums on the agent's leg and the dad cums in the mother's mouth. The agent has masturbated to completion.
The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
422-
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde two places behind him has just raised her hand and smiled 'hello' to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although she seems familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says: "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies: "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says: "are you that strippogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates while your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?" "No!" she replies: I'm your sons' English Teacher..."
423-
The Personal Ad:
SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.
I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60.
You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't
fulfil every unmet need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit- hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.
No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
424-
Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could.
He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the beach. Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured his date some wine. He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in to her eyes and said,
"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way... do you Spit or Swallow?
425-
The residents of the City of Brotherly Love got a few pointers on *lovin'* from a city-funded health program when a booklet was recently published and distributed that gave *these* tips on safety, dress and negotiation:
- "It is wiser to give than to get... This goes for bondage, spankings, water sports, oral sex . . . "
- "It is never a good idea to allow a stranger to tie you up or spank you."
- "Whether you are engaging in S&M or not, always be in charge or on top."
- "Clothing and accessories should be attractive to customers, but still safe."
- "Do not wear anything that will slow you down if you have to run."
- "Negotiate services and prices outside the car and circle it completely before entering to see the number of riders and the location of door handles."
- "Have a price list and time limits and stick to them."
- "Get your money up front!"
If you don't get the gist of the *tips*, they're safety tips for streetwalkers. The booklet is entitled, "Tricks of the Trade: Health and Safety Tips for Street Sex Workers" and was distributed to locals in a "prevention" campaign funded by City money. Needless to say, once the Mayor of Philadelphia got wind of what was being published, he immediately pulled the plug on further distribution of the safety pamphlet and future funding is being *reconsidered*
426-
A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page. "Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"
427-
Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a
travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two
travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.
Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?"
The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!"
428-
Two fellows were lost in the desert, they had been there for days with no sign of life anywhere. All of a sudden one of the guys started to feel horny with all the heat and stuff.
He turned to his friend and said "do you know every now and then vultures sweep down and peck out your eyes?".
His friend replied "no way".
He said "yes but I have a prevention."
"If I see one swooping down insert these two coins into your eyes and bury your head in the sand".
"Gee thanks" his friend replied. All of a sudden the guy yelled "Vulture attack, Vulture attack" quickly the guy put in the coins and buried his head in the sand. At this the other guy whipped down his pants and had his wicked way with him. The guy in the sand shouted "You can peck as hard as you like you aren't getting my eyes !".
429-
A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.
At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.
It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.
At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made.
While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"
They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you black bastard!"
With that, the coal man stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "Let 'de fo' white gentlemans go
fust."
430-
Ibn Saud ben Alekh, a respectable and dignified merchant, was attending a camel auction in the main square when he was overcome by the most terrible intestinal cramps. Finally, unable to contain himself, he let out a giant fart, which was so noisy and so pungent that the people around him looked aghast and stepped back in a circle.
Overcome with shame, Ibn Saud went straight home, packed, and turned his back on his birthplace. For many years he led a nomadic life, wandering from town to town, but as old age approached, so did the longing to return to his hometown. By this time he was aged and stooped, his hair and beard long and gray. He was confident that no one would recognize him and link him to that mortifying moment.
So he returned to the town and headed straight for the main square, where he immediately noticed that the mosque now boasted a spectacular turquoise and gold-leaf facade. Turning to the passerby, he commented on the magnificent mural. "Peace to you, my son," greeted the old man, "can you tell me when it was completed?"
"Let me think," replied the man. "Yes, that would be seven years, five months, and twenty-two days after Ibn Saud ben Alekh cut that big fart in the square."
431-
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'
They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks.
Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.
Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out of me!"
432-
Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr Thompson," Fergo began.
"But about your foot?" the doc said.
"This is about my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.
The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was comfortable.
The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.
"It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant," Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle.
433-
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
434-
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady: "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door, quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said: "not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said: "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!"
435-
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"
436-
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
437-
A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag.
A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!"
All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red.
The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
The woman never complained again....
438-
When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, sex is dirty.
Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.
Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check I. D.s and charge admission to the poultry section.
Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.
Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.
Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind.
Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.
439-
Just after the 6 Day War back in 1967, a small group of Israeli soldiers were up in the Golan Heights, all rather bored to be guarding such a barren place.
They came across a deserted army post and to their astonishment and luck, there was a case of beer there, albeit brewed in Egypt.
"What the hell," thought the soldiers, "They invented the stuff after all."
And so they set to drinking the whole case. It tasted a bit odd but drink it they did.
They didn't get to finish the lot because within an hour they were vomiting, farting and shitting brown puddles so badly, they had to be airlifted out to the nearest field hospital.
They got better but to be sure one of the doctors sent a sample of the beer back to Tel Aviv for laboratory analysis as he'd never seen such a case of food poisoning and wanted to know what had caused it.
A few days later a letter arrived with the results.
It said, "Congratulations. Your camel is pregnant."
440-
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p. m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p. m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p. m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
441-
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief. How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my
tepee." he said.
So the paleface took the woman into the tepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."
442-
A Doctor addressing a large audience said: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
443-
A salesman is driving down a country road one day when his car broke down. There was a farm near by, so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a ride into town to get the necessary parts for his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome of virginal beauty.
Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town when he convinced her to pull over to the side of the road to enlighten her about the facts of life. They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went into town to get the car parts. By the time they got into town, the auto store was closed, so they had to return to the farm. The farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.
The next morning the salesman went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy. Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing this time, and the salesman had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman fixed his car. He thanked the farmer, left his address to they could keep in touch in the future, and went on his merry way.
A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer which contained only a poem:
Were you the one who did the pushin' Left the bloodstains on the cushion And the footprints on the dashboard upside down? 'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly, There's a swelling in her belly, And you'd better get your ass back into town.
The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the following response:
Yes, I was the one who did the pushin' Left the bloodstains on the cushion And the footprints on the dashboard upside down. But since I met your daughter Venus, I've had some problems with my penis, So I guess we're pretty even all around.
444-
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Iraq.
When they landed a man approached them and said ,"boys to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off.
Halfway there the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they seen a farm house and went to ask to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform he invited them in.
He said ,"boys for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with each girl, there's plenty of beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The flyboy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs.
The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jarhead snatches her up and goes upstairs.
The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she comes down, the finest of them all.
The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes down first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast but the flyboy says, "No thank you sir, you've done enough already." and left.
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the flyboys but still acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks coffee, thanks the farmer and leaves.
The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate everything and took off without even a 'thank you'.
After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily he
says, "ok girls, how did we do?"
The girl with the airman says, "he fondled me a little, drank a beer and gave me $200!"
The girl with the marine says, "he fucked me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl with the sailor appears all tired and worn out, "he fucked me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 off me till next payday!!"
445-
There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven, he decided to stop there for the night, The proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven." He continued, "We are pretty far in the country. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. They should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."
The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even; and she kept asking him if there was anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day."
He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if there is anything you want." "I don't think so, thank you," he said pleasantly.
When he had finally climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep, the door opened again to admit a redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured her.
When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us
Evens good enough for you?"
"I'm sorry," said the transient, "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."
446-
Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
447-
Some of you may remember a guy named Charlie Schlossel who was a very successful manufacturer who seemed to disappear from our midst.
Last night I was about to enter my limousine when I saw this homeless person going through a garbage can and I realized it was Charlie Schlossel. It was a sobering moment. I said, "Charlie, what happened?"
"Well, I went through fifteen million like this," he said, snapping his fingers. "You know, after I sold my business I always wanted a jet airplane so I bought one. I'm coming out of Manila Airport, we had to abort the takeoff, the wing hits the tarmac, bursts into flame, thank God we were all safe. Five million dollars, no insurance, out the window."
He said, "I was sitting in the south of France, I saw this yacht and I hear somebody's saying that the guy's going belly up. I give him five million for the yacht. We're coming out of the fjords in Norway, hit an iceberg, sunk, thank God we got out."
He said, "I saw this little girl in the Greek Islands ... breasts, ass firm, tight, maybe twenty, twenty-three years old. I married her. Two years later
she took me for five million in the settlement."
The lesson, I guess, that we can all learn is that if it flies, floats, or fucks --- rent it.
448-
Things To Do When Watching Lord Of The Rings:
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theatre while screaming, "YOU..... SHALL.... NOT..... PASS!"
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."
Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mister Ander- son."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
When the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theatre during the Shelob scene.
Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
As Frodo is standing, hesitating to drop the ring, yell 'Get on with it!'
When the armies attack the massive elephant creatures, start griping loudly about how it's a blatant rip-off of Star Wars and the battle with the walkers on Endor.
Insist you can spot William Wallace in the scene right before the final battle charge.
Insist Gandalf is played by Jean Luc Picard, who has no real magic, just some decent melee skills, and incredible futuristic knowledge of how everything seems to work.
449-
One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."
450-
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in
my classroom! Go to the principal's office!" The little boy goes up to the principal's office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?" The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!" So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?" His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!" The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for
99 years!"
99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and dies.
What's the moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the street....
451-
True Story
A work colleague told me of her friend’s experience last weekend.
Apparently this lady has two boys aged 12 and 10.
She took them to Flamingo Land in North Yorkshire for a day out, Flamingo Land has a zoo and fairground attractions so an ideal day out for two young lads. Being a responsible parent she took along 2 sports bags filled with snacks, drinks and towels to sit on during a picnic.
After lunch she decided to take the 10 year old on the roller coaster and, knowing that his brother was scared of roller coasters asked him to stay in one spot with the bags until they returned in 15 minutes or so.
After the ride with the younger son she returned to where the elder boy had been left, only to find him soaking wet and trying to dry himself with the towels. She asked him what had happened but he just smiled and told her he was wet. After drying him as best she could she decided to leave the park and head back home to Manchester.
When they arrived home the 12 year old and his brother went into the living room to watch the Flamingo Land DVD that she’d bought whilst she decided to unpack the sports bags and tidy up in the kitchen.
She took out the soaking towels from one of the bags and put them straight into the washing machine. That done she then opened the other bag and was horrified to find a fully grown live penguin inside staring up at her. You can imagine her surprise. She called out to the boys to come into the kitchen and the 12 year old
looked really happy and kept on saying “Penguin”
She immediately got on the phone to Flamingo Land and said “I’m terribly sorry but my son has kidnapped one of your penguins” The person at the other end told her not to worry as “It happens all the time” but to put the penguin in the bath and pour cold water over it every 2 hours ~ it didn’t need to be fed as the penguins are only fed once a day and that had happened before the kidnap~ and could she return it the next day?
She agreed and spent the night ensuring that the creature was comfortable in its bath and then drove 182 miles on the Monday to Morton and back ~ a journey of 5 hours.
That has to be the best excuse ever for not turning up for work on a Monday morning.
452-
There were two teenage girls who decided they wanted to go into a package store and see if they could buy some liquor. So they parked their car and one girl said to her friend you wait here I'm going in to see if I can get us something to drink. If I am not back in 15 minutes come in and look for me and see if maybe I got busted and might need you to call my parents or something. So the girl disappears into the store and 15 minutes goes by and the 2nd girl is getting worried about her friend so she goes to the front door of the package store to see if she's ok and the door is locked! And all of the lights are off and no one is in sight. She looks at her watch and says gee it's too early for the store to be closed so she decides to go around to the back and try to get in that way. She goes to the backdoor, which is also locked, but it has a small window. So she peeks into the window and sees that the owner of the package store has her friend tied up in a standing position with her arms over her head and she is butt naked and the owner of the store is licking her friend all over her body from head to toe. She freaks out and says OMG I better go call 911. So she goes to a phone and calls the police and finally they get there and they bang and bang on the door until the owner finally opens it. They enter the store and tell the owner you better get this girl dressed and out of here right away. The girl says but wait!! I want to press charges and the cops tell her you can't press charges she says He had me tied up naked The police say I am sorry you cannot press charges and the girls ask again but why not? The police say because he has a "liquor license"!!
453-
There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in...
She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out. One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this" He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here" she flew over and begged him to tell her...
He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage."
So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell you."
Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told when they were done, "Ha!! There's no way out of here!!" He flew up and high winged the other male...
Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to get out."
So... she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya. "By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told, "Ha! Dummy there's no way out of here!"
That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape.... The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!!!
Do you know how she got out????
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GIMME SOME AND I'LL TELL YA!
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Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain :
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane".
After this announcement all the passengers re- arranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of
the plane..."-Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".
455-
Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what the problem is, Cinders replies "The ugly sisters laughed at me because my clothes are poor and scruffy and they said I can't go to the ball"
The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold sequins and elegant glass slippers. Cinderella continues to cry and says " I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know how I am ever going to get there"
The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders should step inside. Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies "It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball"
Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampax tampon which she hands to Cinders saying " There you go my dear, but whatever you do, for fucks sake get back by midnight"
456-
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, Your damn plane only went down yesterday!"
457-
Once upon a time, there was a sweet, cute, darling little girl named Little Red Riding Hood who was going to her grandma's house at the other end of the forest. Along the way, she meets a Big Bad Wolf who asks in a polite voice, "Little girl, where are you going on this nice fine day?"
"Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little Red Riding Hood says. "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll tell you. I'm going to my grandma's house at the other end of the forest."
"It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way; see you some other time!!!" And with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances away to grandma's house at the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays, little do they know..."
So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her grandma's house late in the afternoon. The door is ajar, and a strange deathly silence permeated the air. "Oh grandma, I'm here to visit you!!!"
"Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies. Little Red Riding Hood enters the house, only to see a huge *thing* lying on the bed.
"Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have."
"Better to hear you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have."
"Better to see you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have."
"(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with..." And the Big Bad Wolf leaps hungrily out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute,
defenceless, and darling Little Red Riding Hood... Only to see her rip out a .44 Magnum from under her basket and unload four rounds, point-blank, into his belly.
"Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain. "Kids nowadays. I should've known."
458-
Alien Diary
8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating fingertips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.
1:10 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.
2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.
3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.
3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Bush. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, future political endorsements.
6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.
459-
A couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. Now, to celebrate their golden anniversary, he took her to the big city to stay in a plush hotel.
But she told the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No window, no air conditioning, no bed...."
"But, ma'am..." interrupted the bellman.
"Don't you 'But, ma'am' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like a couple of fools just because we've never been to the big city and never spent the night in a hotel. I want to see the manager."
"Yes, ma'am," said the bellman, "I'll take you to him as soon as we get out of this elevator!"
460-
Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from Alaska Air Flight Attendants.
In his own words.... "I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment in itself.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said, so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts, I'm sure, but this is most of it."
Before takeoff...
Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is..... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a
favour and put on your mask first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your
favourite. Help your favourite first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a
pully thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane. HELLO !!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is "Gone with the Wind."
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because...."shift happens".
461-
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can- eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you --in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.
Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.
There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing.
At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be.
After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhoea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall.
One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination
rivalling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up form a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was, diverted from the goings-on at the other end.
To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my
oesophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake... you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat.
Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.
OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting?
One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though.
Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants... on the inside... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.
At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately.
Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.
And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being.
She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.
Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom.
He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the
centre of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
462-
Astrological Condoms
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
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Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.
Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
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Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.
With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
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Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come
coloured hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.
With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
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Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.
Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
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Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
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Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.
Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
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Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.
Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
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Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.
Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.
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Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.
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Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.
Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualised defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
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Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand- painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.
463-
I am a member of a group that
re-enacts the Civil War, serving in the artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a lot of attention from the public. On Memorial Day, a self-appointed animal-rights-type came over to our "Master of Horse" and started proclaiming:
"Listen here! I was raised around horses, I know horses, and you are mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should not be forced to pull loads."
About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate.
One of the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out, "My god! Its water's broke, and there's a leg coming out!"
The woman left quickly and quietly.
464-
A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse , rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her to just wait there. "Hey asshole, get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire" he said. The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey shithead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your ass" The cowboy looked at him and then said" I'll tell you what, fella". "I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass, make you change that tire while I screw your girlfriend". "And, I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand while I do it". As they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says "that cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he baby"? "Naw, he wasn't so tough", said the guy. "Did you see him flinch everytime I dropped his balls in the hot sand?
465-
A world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe'. On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe'.
A few seconds later the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me," he says" "I'm a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe', and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar." The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe'.
Puzzled, the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me," he says: "as I mentioned before, I am a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe' and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses .............. "Oops, sorry sir, I seem to have played you the bee side..."
466-
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
467-
Disney
Finales
Whatever happened to our favourite Disney characters?
MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.
DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.
PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.
GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.
SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.
HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring.
CHIP & DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.
SNOW WHITE: Fell for the "apple trick" again.
DOPEY:'nuff said
SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.
GRUMPY: Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.
HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.
DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.
SLEEPY: Never woke up.
BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.
MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqi airspace.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.
WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.
PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.
RABBIT: Died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.
EEYORE: Committed suicide.
TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.
PETER PAN: Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.
TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.
468-
Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and she accepted. Why, he was the luckiest man in the entire universe.
"I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And what did you say this paragon's name is?"
"Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face at the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski."
"Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious about marrying her. She's slept with every man in Poughkeepsie!"
A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town."
469-
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career..."
470-
If you receive an email entitled: "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY!!! Do not open it!! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It
demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your BEER!
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company!!!
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine!!
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a very full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk!
*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds.... you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you! Hurry! ... Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you ---
you're on the computer!!!!
471-
A shrewd old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the old farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, and special tires, and that was what took the price up.
The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece. Come and look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500. The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for those too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW.................$500.00
Two-tone e