Filthy Jokes for Adults with a Sense of Fun
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Last Update: November 12, 2009- (10 jokes added - now 13,970 funny and filthy jokes)
November 12
The most common surname in China is Chang, correct me if you think that's
Wong.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless!
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter. 'I'd like a return ticket.' 'Where to ?' 'To here !' says the Irishman.
During a training session at an artillery unit the sergeant-major was busy
describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is
used:
"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."
One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a
circle, sergeant-major."
"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small
circle!"
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One
young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the
lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady
immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised
I am! I'm her mother!"
An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman)
to take him to "Christ's Church."
The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's.
The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church. This
isn't the place!"
The cabby replies, "Yer Excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!
Q: What is black and blue and found floating up side down in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke.
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal.
The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send
the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot
sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!
Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man.
While men are so simple that they want only one thing from all women.
The English teacher asks the blonde cheerleader to use the word "handsome" in
a sentence.
The blonde thinks a minute and says "When my mouth and jaw get tired, I use my
handsome."
November 9
Finsbury Park Mosque are having a bonfire tonight. Don't tell them though,
it's a surprise!!
A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost
£2.40 for fast delivery or £1.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered
within my lifetime."
The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be £2.40, please."
School/Homework Excuses ...
* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the
past.
* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it
again.
* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my
homework drowned.
* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from
freezing.
* I'm not at liberty to say why.
* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.
* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag
of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.
* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
* My mum used it as a dryer sheet.
* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is
finalized.
* It's against my religion to do any homework.
* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and
they incinerated my homework with their death rays.
* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry,
they have been suitably punished.
* We had homework?!
* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."
* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working
teachers.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their
long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there's no I in
the word marriage."
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
I turned on my side and, breathless with a big grin, said to my wife: "I've not
had sex like that since we were first married!!"
Then I laughed at her and put the phone down.
We were eating a family dinner when my daughter piped up and told us she had
a new boyfriend who was really nice, but he was black and she was worried about
my reaction.
'Well you know what they say,' I answered.
'Once you go black, you get the fuck out of my house.'
I was at a urinal when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my
right was Michael J. Fox.
Bad day to wear sandals.
The last thought of a suicide bomber?
Never again.
Don't you agree that the Big Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit? Most of them look like tramps.
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his
arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should
impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory.
With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can
put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
November 6
My mate told me that if I was buying condoms at the supermarket, I should
buy a couple of other things so that people didn't look at me funny.
In hindsight lollies and a barbie doll probably wasn't the best choice.
My Science teacher was arguing that it's impossible to be hit by a stationary
object.
Quickly changed his tune when I smacked him in the head with a stapler.
I was chatting up a cultured bird last night and to impress her, I came out with
the line "Vidi, vici, veni".
She laughed and said "Don't you mean 'Veni, vidi, vici'?"
No... I didn't. Anyway, I'm in court in the morning. Wish me luck.
My mum said to me today: "I had no idea how bad your cold was until I found a
load of snotty tissues down the side of your bed."
Bless her innocence.
I went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier...
I found him in the morgue masturbating.
I had just bought the paper and was reading it walking down the street.
I saw a picture of what police think Madeleine McCann looks like now, I glanced
up and caught sight of this little girl.
She was blonde, same as the picture.
She was small, same as the picture.
And she had a distinctive right eye, same as the picture.
As I was walking up to the girl I realised she wasn't wearing a pink hairband.
Damn it. So close.
I'm kinda pissed at my girlfriend. She got a new shirt today. It reads:
Stop staring at my tits
IN BRAILLE...
I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
I've got gammon flu...
I did have swine flu but I went to the doctor and he cured me.
The WWF advert asks, "When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?"
Well, swimming, I suppose.
November 5
What is a gay mans favourite time of the day?
Ate a cock.
You Know You're A Ghetto Christian If--
You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify that "God
made a way out of no way"
You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in YOUR seat.
You tell the preacher to baptize you from the neck down because you just got
your hair did!
You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get there late, and leave early!
You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out.
Your wedding song is rap 'Secret Lovers'.
You do not lift your hand during worship because your acrylic nail is broken.
The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you sing "your"
song.
You do not donate to the church because you say, "the preacher might be crooked
and stealing the Lord's money, so I ain't want to give it to him."
After you've done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don't repent but you
say, "Well the Lord knows my heart."
If you have ever said, "show me in the Bible where it says, "thou shall not
smoke crack."
You overheard someone say, "We got fed today at service" and you asked if they
served chicken.
Your favourite part of the service is the benediction.
You buy "hot" merchandise and testify the Lord blessed me with a TV, jewellery,
clothes, etc.
You just got finished smoking on the outside of the church and then try to lead
a song, get choked up, holding your throat and say to the congregation, "The
devil don't want me to sing this song."
I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book- `101 ways to improve your
confidence.`
I couldn't buy it though, the guy at the till would have laughed at me.
Did you hear about the new Chav Barbie?
It comes with six multi-coloured kids, a council flat, Chlamydia and a benefit
check.
Also new Burberry tampons.
Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "you ever notice
after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes and nose burn, and you get
all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "yeah, all the time." The other says, "why is that?"
The other guy says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
Don't normally do chain letters but this is one thing I do believe in. "When
in Rome"
This goes for SCOTLAND, WALES & IRELAND TOO !!
I think this really sums it all up.
After hearing that . . . many cities did not want to offend other cultures by
putting up Xmas lights, so DIDN'T!
After learning that . . . the British Red Cross shops were instructed not to
display Christmas decorations lest they cause offence. (A move which cost them
my support thereafter.) After hearing that . . . the Birmingham council changed
its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's licence with
her face covered. You try it!
After hearing of . . . a Primary School in Birmingham where pupils were told
that for PE they could wear Football League shirts (Aston Villa, Birmingham,
West Brom etc) but NOT an England shirt as it could offend others !
This prompted the editorial below written by a UK citizen and published in a
British newspaper.
IMMIGRANTS. NOT BRITONS, MUST ADAPT.
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
London , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Brits.
However, the dust from the attacks has barely settled and the 'politically
correct' crowd begin complaining about the possibility that our patriotism is
offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is
seeking a better life by coming to Britain . However, there are a few things
that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently, some born
here, need to understand.
This idea of England being a multicultural centre for community has served only
to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Britons, we have our own
culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture
has been developed over centuries of wars, struggles, trials and victories
fought by the untold masses of men and women who laid down their lives and of
the millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or
any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn
the language!
If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home, because God is part of our culture.. If St.. George's cross
offends you, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this
planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't
care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and
OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our
Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I encourage you take advantage
of one other great British freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.
We didn't force you to come here. If you don't like it GO HOME!!
You asked to be here.. So accept the country that accepted YOU. Pretty easy
really, when you think about it..
If we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or
later get back to the complainers. Lets all try, please.
No matter how many times you receive it... please forward it to all you know.
What's the difference between a fat, balding, middle aged man and Brad Pitt?
Nothing, if she knows what's good for her.
Maurice is a successful stockbroker and just before he leaves his office for
the day, he calls over one of his team. "As you know, Peter, tomorrow is the
Jewish New Year and instead of coming in to work, I’ll be praying in my usual
synagogue just around the corner to the office. But in my absence I need someone
to watch over an important share for me. Will you do it for me?"
"Of course Maurice," replies Peter. "What’s the share and what should I be
looking out for?"
"Thank you," says Maurice. "I have 50,000 Royal Bank of Scotland shares which
have just closed at 46.9p. If they go to 51p tomorrow, please sell all of them
for me. If need be, you can always come in to the synagogue’s foyer and ask for
me."
First thing next morning, the FTSE100 Index opens 120 points up and RBS shares
quickly move to 55p. Peter doesn’t know what to do so he goes to the synagogue
to ask Maurice for advice. When Maurice joins him outside, Peter says, "Sorry to
disturb you but the FTSE has opened 120 points up and RBS shares opened at 55p.
The rumour is that RBS is on its way up to 65p. Do you want me to sell them now
at 55p?"
Maurice replies, "No, not at 55p. RBS shares are already trading at 58p in the
synagogue.
Betty wakes up to a knock on her door. It’s 7am and it’s Mothers Day. Then
Betty’s two teenage children, Suzy and Paul, walk into her room with smiles on
their faces and say to her, "Happy Mothers Day, mum. Please don’t get up. As our
treat to you, we want you to stay in bed and we’ll make breakfast."
Soon the smell of fried eggs and bacon wafts up into her room and Betty is now
really looking forward to her breakfast in bed. But after 15 minutes have gone
by and there is still no breakfast, Betty gets up and goes downstairs to
investigate. And there is Suzy and Paul sitting at the kitchen table finishing
off their breakfast. And there’s nothing cooking. Betty looks at them both and
says, "Well, what's with the breakfast?"
"We’ve already told you," replies Suzy. "It’s our surprise for Mothers Day. We
decided to make our own breakfast this morning."
Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: To give him enough time to think of an answer to her first question.
November 4
I hate interviews after sporting events like boxing, martial arts or
kickboxing.
"Hey, you got knocked out in the 3rd round, what happened there?"
Well, it's still a little hazy, but I believe that other gentleman was punching
me in the face, and then I fell over??
I used to be into S&M, bestiality and necrophilia.
But one day I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
If you think driving and texting is dangerous, try driving and adding a joke on he
After a bombardment of distasteful jokes, my mother told me she was "running
out of patience"
I replied "That's what Harold Shipman said"
Mary had a little lamb , its fleece was full of fleas , but even worse that little cunt had foot and mouth disease.
Woman pisses man off - woman gives man blowjob and man forgives woman.
Man pisses woman off - man gives woman flowers, chocolate, new dress, new shoes,
more flowers, foot massage, bubble bath, diamond necklace, even more flowers and
woman will think about forgiving man.
Don't fucking complain about equal pay when you have fuck all to spend it on.
Albania's economy was plunged into crisis today as their donkey died.
A black man went to a shop and bought a pair of polyester pants, which is weird because they usually pick cotton.
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my
children!"
Kinky bitch.
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad
and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."
"A what?" the man asked.
"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United
States."
"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
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