Filthy Jokes for Adults with a Sense of Fun
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Last Update: May 14, 2008- (5 jokes added - now 10,430 funny and filthy jokes)
May 14
Top 15 rejected mothers day cards
15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.
14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.
13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex
12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.
11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.
10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?
9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.
8. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.
7. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.
6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!
5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.
4. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.
3. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.
2. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.
1. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody
A car race announcer named Niven,
To a question this answer was given.
"I would just like to know
What impels them to go
So fast." He replied, "They are driven."
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"
Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.
"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.
"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."
Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis.
But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.
May 13
Mike is sitting at the bar looking totally down in the dumps. The bartender asks, "What's wrong Mike?"
Mike replies, "My wife is too tired for housework and sex but she won't let me hire a maid or a hooker".
A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not getting enough.
The other night when their boys were being particularly rambunctious, and groping each other, she yelled at them "In this house, we don't touch each other's privates."
To which her husband replied, "No kidding."
The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone.
They just change the witness's name to G. Spot.
Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me; go all the way with me, and everything will be all right."
And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.
Breakfast was a very late affair that day, and the husband and wife were fragile indeed - badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied.
May 12
There Was A Young Lady Of Mass.
Rather Lacking, We All Thought, In Class.
She Would Stroll Boston Common,
And Whenever She Saw Men,
She'd Whimper, ''Please, Sir, Make A Pass.''
I see a lot of women are using this site....
The dinner won't cook itself you know.
If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans- Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans- who will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.
In a cruel twist of fate today, the 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone had his dinner money stolen by school bullies.
They bought themselves a bike, an Xbox 360, 4 KFC family buckets and a weekend in Disneyland Paris.
I don't know why women have driving licences.....................it’s not as if there are any roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.
The portions of the female that appeal to man’s depravity
Are fashioned with considerable care,
And what at first appears to be a simple little cavity
Is really an elaborate affair.
Now surgeons who have studied all these feminine phenomena
By numerous experiments on dames,
Have taken all the items of the gentle sex’s abdomina
And given them delightful Latin names.
There’s the Vulva, the Vagina and the good old Perineum,
And the Hymen (that is sometimes found in brides),
There’s a lot of little things, oh you would love ‘em could you see ‘em,
The Clitoris, and God knows what besides.
What a shame it is then, when we common people chatter
Of these mysteries of which I have referred,
We use for such a delicate and complicated matter
Such a rude and unattractive little word.
The erudite authorities who study the geography
Of that obscure but entertaining land
Are able to indulge a taste for intricate topography
And view the tasty details close at hand,
But ordinary people, though aware of their existence,
And complexities beneath the public know,
Are normally contented just to view them at a distance
And treat them, roughly speaking, as a show.
And therefore when we laymen probe the secrets of virginity,
(and I do not wish the ladies to affront),
We do not cloud the issue with meticulous Latinity,
But call the whole concern a simple Cunt
For men have made this useful and intelligent commodity
The subject of innumerable jibes,
And though the name they call it by is something of an oddity
It seems to fit the subject it describes.
The Sunday School
teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of
salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mummy looked back once while she was
driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, ' Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can
anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea,
he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up
the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his m other asked.
'Well, no, Mum. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorise one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of
the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and,
after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just
then!'
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do
you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't have to,' The boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our
house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows
how to cook!
The old saying goes,
One up the bum, no harm done.
I doubt if Freddie Mercury would agree.
Jack and Jill were watching a TV show one night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he was "cheating" on her.
Jack asked, "Would you ever do that?"
Jill said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."
May 9
Always pissed I loved my lass Betty,
Both bladdered we wed on a jetty,
But I gave up the beer,
And saw her so clear,
"HOLY FUCK" she looked like a Yeti.
Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'... then we made love all night long."
The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything..... but we had wild sex all night."
The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "
A friend accused me of being homophobic the other day.
"Nonsense", I said.
"I love my house."
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
There Was A Young Lady Of Boston,
Who Thought She Was Raped In An Austin,
But The Truth Is, My Dears,
She Sat On The Gears,
And A Traffic Cop Kicked The Exhaust In.
May 8
I don't usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this month's edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell.
So I thought; what the hell, I'll treat myself and splash out on a copy.
That's me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future...
I was at work the other day when a bloke come up to me and said " I can't do it!" Do What?" I replied. "No matter how hard I try, I can't do a Welsh accent. I just end up sounding like a Paki" I said "well you're just gonna have to keep practicing Ahmed"
I love going gay clubbing!
My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.
There was a wee man called Hank,
Who went to school in a tank,
His teacher came out,
Hit him a clout,
He said "fuck off i’m havin a wank".
My neighbour thinks he’s a monk,
But to me he gave a big gonk,
While out earning my pay,
My wife he did lay,
And covered her face with spunk.
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