Ethnic 3
481-
One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.
He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone."
"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.
"No, dem it - I’m being serious."
482-
Some company executives meet at a school reunion. One of them, Moshe, arrives in a chauffer-driven Rolls Royce. Moshe has with him a beautiful young woman and she is dressed in very expensive clothes.
All evening Moshe donates and spends money as if there were no tomorrow. His friends quickly realise that he is very rich and so they ask him how he has managed to become so wealthy.
“Moshe, Don’t be offended but we never thought you would be successful. How did you do it? Please tell us.”
“I don’t mind telling you,” replies Moshe, “I’m in manufacturing and I’ve got a successful product which costs me just £1 to make. I sell all I can produce for £5 and you’d be surprised how quickly 5% adds up.”
483-
Hetty, an elderly lady, has been driving around the Brent Cross shopping centre’s car park for some time looking for a place to park when at last she finds one and stops to pull into it. Suddenly, a youngster drives his car around her and parks his smart silver Audi in her space.
Hetty is so upset that she gets out of her car and says to the young driver, "I was going to park there!"
As he walks away, the man just laughs and says, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick."
Well, this really infuriates Hetty. She gets back into her car, backs it up and then drives it at speed straight into his Audi. The youngster runs back to his damaged car and asks, "What did you do that for?"
Hetty smiles and replies, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich."
484-
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Andy, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Andy, like most Kiwis, had little sense but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Andy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Andy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Andy announced that he would accept their
offer but only under three conditions: "First," he said: "I don't want to have to kuss
er. Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus." The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Wull," said Andy: "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."
485-
Dating Rituals
White Women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
Irish Women
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Italian Women
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
Jewish Women
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
Indian Women
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Black Women
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
Mexican Women
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
Greek Women
First date: You take her to an expensive restaurant and some greek dancing.
Second date: There is no second date because her parents find out your not Greek.
Chinese
Women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is going to happen.
486-
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah, you be dumb! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States.
I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U. S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi comes to work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah stupid! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-ago to night school every night. I learn all about-a United States history, and become-a U. S.-acitizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . .you so-a smart, you know who Fishlips Picollini is?"
Giuseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Picollini is?"
The guy yells back, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
487-
Sharvette walks into her doctor's office to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her she would be having a baby girl. He then asked her if she'd chosen a name yet?
Sharvette promptly answered: "Her name gone be Shenequa".
He asked her: "Do you have any other children?"
She said: "I gots 5 beautiful daughters and dey names be's Shenequa too".
At this point the doctor said: "How do you call them home for dinner?"
She replied: "Oh das no problem, I jus go to de front doe and yells; 'Shenequa, supper ready' and dey alls come running."
He then asked: " Well, what about if you are going somewhere?"
She said: "Das easy too, I jus yells; 'Shenequa I'm 'bout to leave yo ass', and dey all comes running real fas den."
Still a little confused, he questioned her again,:"But what if you only want to speak to one of them?"
"I jus calls dem by dey las name."
488-
SOUTHERNISMS
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee - it's already been "saucered and blowed."
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. He's as country as a cornflake.
9. This is gooder'n grits.
10. I've been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
11. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
12. I'm 'bout as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
13. I'm as busy as a moth in a mitten.
13. Happy as a clam at high tide.
489-
There was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more.
Found out what was causin' it."
490-
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
491-
A Pakistani stops a guy in New York City.
He says, "Can you tell me where The Empire State Building is, or should I go fuck myself again?"
492-
A little Polish kid's starting in kindergarten.
The teacher says, "Every day you have to put on a clean pair of underwear."
By Saturday, he couldn't get his pants on.
493-
What's a Jewish dilemma?
A free ham.
494-
Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 3 kids?
They heard that every 4th baby born in the world is Chinese.
495-
Did you hear about the Polish girl who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew them both.
496-
Did you hear about the really popular Polish abortion clinic?
There's a one year waiting list.
497-
Who are the two most famous black women in history?
Aunt Jemimah and Mutha Fuckah.
498-
Why don't black women make good nuns?
They can never say "superior" after "mother".
499-
Why don't Italian Mafia like Jehovah's Witnesses?
They don't like any kind of witnesses.
500-
A trip to the bakers
“How much are the bagels?”
“40p for two.”
“How much for one?”
“25p”
“Then I’ll take the other one.”
501-
One day, Becky meets her old friend Rachel in Hendon. She asks, “So how is your son the solicitor?”
“David’s fine, thanks. Please God every solicitor should be as busy as he is – he’s even having to turn away new business.”
“And how’s your daughter Hannah?”
“She’s doing really fine. She’s now playing her violin in almost every major concert hall around the world and we hardly see her these days.”
“And what about your youngest son?”
“Oh Issy? He’s doing OK, I suppose. He’s currently selling cheap clothing to all the street markets in central London. Mind you, if it wasn’t for Issy, we would all be starving.”
502-
A Welshman was wrecked on a desert island. By the time he was rescued, he had built out of driftwood not only a house for himself, but a small town with a pub, a rugby club, and two small chapels.
"But why two chapels?" asked his rescuers.
"You see that one," he replied. "Well that's the one I don't go to."
503-
Yes, New Zealanders and Australians do speak English, but with distinct accents. The Kiwi accent sounds as if it is spoken through the nose. The Australian accent sounds as if it comes from further back in the head, that it resonates through a cavity where the brain should be.
504-
An English bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The woman sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last-a-time". "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly: "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public". "Hey, coola down lady," said the man who'd been talking: "who talkin' about sexa? I just tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi!"
505-
Three drinking pals go down to Mexico one night, get roaring drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a Jock, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says: "I am from the University of Scotland and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.
The second one, an Englishman, is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the Oxford School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent". They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Like before, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg his forgiveness and release him.
The last one ...Paddy, is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from the University of Dublin, Ireland and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this feckin' thing in!"
506-
International Beer Syndrome
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks the beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
507-
Moshe was a kosher butcher in Hendon. He was not doing very well and to make matters worse, his wholesaler kept on writing him threatening letters to pay his outstanding invoices. After the fifth such letter, Moshe lost his patience and replied to his wholesaler. This is what he wrote: -
Dear Sir,
I object to your recent threatening letters and I think I need to explain to you how I do business. Every month, my accountant calculates how much money I can afford to pay out. Then I place all my creditors’ invoices in a hat and get my secretary to draw out as many invoices from the hat as I have money to pay. If you persist in sending out these threatening letters, I won't even put your invoices in the hat."
508-
Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his
wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Billy Bob then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
509-
A captain is signing on a new ships crew in Sydney. The first up is an Aussie. the Captain
asks him for his discharge book and spends some time looking through it and then starts to question the sailor.
"Are you married? what's your wife's name/ how many children do you have? what religion are you? are you close to your parents/ etc. etc. etc."
The bloke can't believe all these questions. He's never been asked all these things when he has signed on ships before.
The next bloke up is a Pom and the Captain looks at his discharge book says very good and tells him to sign on.
Aussie can't understand this.
The ship sails and when they get out to sea the sailors are scrubbing the decks and there is a big swell running and a wave comes up and washes the Pom over the side. Aussie goes up on the bridge and say's to the Captain, "You know when we were signing on yesterday, you wanted to know the
ins and outs of a duck's arse about my private life before you would let me sign on but you just let that Pom sign on without asking him a thing"
"That's right" said the Captain, "so what about it?"
"Well next time you should check on him 'cos he's just fucked off with your mop and bucket"
510-
Why did the Polack marry his dog?
He had to.
511-
Definition of a Jewish ménage-a-trois
Two headaches and a hard-on.
512-
Who's the poorest guy in West Virginia?
The Tooth Fairy.
513-
Ruth's baby is born with just one eyelid,
"Oy! oy! vat am I going to do?' she says to the doctor.
"Don't vorry" he says "after the bris ve take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid"
"You can't do that" says Ruth, "it will make him cockeyed"
"On the contrary" says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight"
514-
"Little Red Goldberg I vant you should take some goodies to grannies"
"Ooh! I love going to grannies vith goodies" says Little Red Goldberg, "what are the goodies momma?"
"There is chicken zoup vith matzo balls and fresh bagels"
Away goes Little Red Goldberg trippidy trippidy down the lane to grannies and who should she meet on the way but greedy little Hymie Solomons.
"Vere you going vith the goodies basket Little Red Goldberg" asks greedy little Hymie Solomons
"I am going to mine grannies vith some chicken zoup, matzo balls and bagels"
Hearing this greedy little Hymie Solomons takes a short cut to grannies house and locks her in the closet.
There is a knock at the door, "Come in Little Red Goldberg and give me some goodies" he calls out.
"How did you know it vas me granny? "I could smell the goodies" says Hymie, "so give me the goodies"
"But vait a minute granny I haf to say something first"
"Vell say it and give me the goodies" says greedy little Hymie Solomons
"Granny, vat big ears you got"
"All the better to hear about the goodies, so give me the goodies"
"But granny, vat big eyes you got"
"All the better to see the goodies, so give me the goodies"
"But granny, vat a big nose you got"
"YOU should fucking talk!"
515-
Jack says "come on Aussie we're going to the dance tonight and find you a sheila"
"I can't get a sheila Jack I'm too shy and don't know what to say to 'em"
"It's easy says Jack you just walk up and start a conversation about anything"
Off they go to the dance and Jack is chatting up all the sheilas but Aussie is just hanging around the bar too dumb to say anything. It's getting to the end of the dance and Jack says to him "you're going to miss out in a minute so go up to that one over there before she goes home and chat her up"
Aussie sums up all of his courage and walks over to this nice looking sheila thinking of something nice to say and just as he gets up to her she walks in the ladies. He's waiting around outside and tells Jack what is happening and that he knows what to do. Just then the door opens and out comes the nice looking sheila and Aussie, all brave, walks right up to her and says,
"Was yer just in for shit"
516-
If a brassiere is an upper decker flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker nacker checker,
what is a Japanese playboy whose father's got dysentery?
He's a slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy.
517-
Genesis for Cobbers
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footie matches, going to the beach and bbq's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and bbq's on the beach. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footie, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footie, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well most good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the bbq. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bloody Good!
518-
A big business man in Washington calls in two of his black employees and tells them that he wants them to drive his large Lincoln automobile down to his summer residence in Miami,
Off they go feeling mighty important driving such an expensive car and along the way they see this
gorgeous miss looking for a lift. Let's pick her up and give her the big time
they decide.
Howdee mam we's all goin' down to our place in Miami so you is welcom' to ride along wid us
Ooh! I would be much obliged 'cos dis is sum automobile. Now what do y'all do man?
Well, honey, I's wiv GM
Yous with GM
Yes'm mam I is the general manager wiv General Motors.
Well I am impressed, says the little lady, and what about you sah, she says to the other dude.
Mam, I is wiv GE.
Yes'm mam, I's de general manager of General Electric.
Well I am impressed, says the little lady.
And who is y'all wiv mam? they ask.
I is with VD, says the little lady.
Is you the general manager? asks the dudes
No sir, I's jist the lil' ole southern distributor.
519-
Ethel and Leah meet at Brent Cross shopping centre and sit down on a bench to chat. After a few minutes have gone by, Ethel suddenly says, "Oy vay, Leah, just look at the face of that poor boy coming towards us. His mouth is so misshapen that it makes his lips stand out. And his chin – what a double chin it is. His eyes look at each other and he’s already loosing his hair."
"That boy you’ve been describing, Ethel, that boy coming towards us, he is none other than mine son Henry," says Leah, with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, is that Henry?" replies Ethel, "on him it looks good."
520-
Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming pool built in his garden in Hampstead Garden Suburb. But his joy is short lived when a council inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
"Mr. Levy," says the inspector, "we’ve checked our records and we can’t find any evidence that you obtained council approval to build this pool. Is this correct?"
"Yes," answers Isaac, "but I didn’t know I needed permission to build in my own back garden. Is permission really required?"
"Oh yes," replies the inspector, "indeed it’s required. A swimming pool must get official sanction before it’s built. Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary."
"OK," says Isaac, "what you see in front of you is really an ornamental pond."
"I’m not stupid," says the inspector, "a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy."
"But it is a pond," argues Isaac, "indeed it is."
Then the inspector spots a filtration plant at the end of the garden. "So why is there a filter?"
"Because," replies Isaac, "it’s a gefilte fish pond."
521-
The Charva Guide
How to be a charver
Lesson 1: Borrowing A Tab
WITHIN MINUTES of arriving in Newcastle you will encounter the legendary Geordie hospitality, when a complete stranger approaches you with his right hand extended. "Lenz a tab," he'll say.
You have made a pal, and he is suggesting you cement the friendship with the long-term loan of a cigarette. You, in turn, are obliged to lend him one.
This routine will happen every time you venture out in Newcastle. So if you don't smoke, now's a good time to start.
The 'friendliest' types are young lads wearing colourful sportswear and a "nippa" behind their ear, who sound as though they're talking through their left nostril.
When he says "Lenz a tab," you will reply "nee bother, charver." He'll be sure to look out for you in future.
He may have a female with him. She'll also be wearing sportswear, dripping with gold-coloured jewellery. The fringe of her yellow hair will have been carefully sprayed over a coke tin until it's twice the size of her head. She is known as a Kappa Slapper - or "me bewer."
In this case you will offer two cigarettes. And if you're feeling particularly gregarious, add the words "bet she gans like the clappaz." Your wit will be noted.
Now that you understand this easy piece of etiquette, why not try it yourself?
Simply walk up to a stranger in a bar or on a bus, lean close to their face, and say the words:
"Lenz a tab."
Better still, try it on everyone you pass in the street - you'll be surprised at the interesting situations this can lead to.
And you'll know when you've met a true kindred spirit, when they reply "Ah was ganna ask yee."
Lesson 2: Getting Drunk
The twin vices of the Charver are drink and drugs - although the peeve1 I slightly harder to obtain than tack2. This is because charvers are too young to get into pubs, which means hanging around outside the offie until someone can be 'persuaded' to go in and buy their bottles.
So first of all, choose your shop and position yourself by the doorway, but out sight of the owner. If spotted you'll have to nash3, because he'll assume you're on the chaw4.
You could be there for some time, so why not while away the hours with a bit hockling?
All charver's hockle5 - it's as natural as breathing. It also enables them to find their friends, by simply following the trail of phlegm from the shop to the bus shelter, and back.
You should have a decent-sized pool at your feet before some dafty6 agrees to make your purchase.
Charvers have a varied palate, in that they're not fussy what they drink. But most aim to get monged7 for less than three bar8; so it's got to be cheap.
Fortunately, this market is well catered for. Many favour speccy9, a bottle of which will rip your wires out for a couple of bar. Similar tipples include White Lightning, Zodiac and Storm. The names hint at the damage they'll inflict on your brain.
Wine is popular with the Bella10 Boys, who have seen the state of imbecility tramps manage to achieve, on a couple of bottles. Basically, any white wine with a name ending in 'brusco' is considered too nasty for general consumption, and is knocked out to alkies and charvers at around a quid a bottle. Double cush11.
You'll need somewhere to do your drinking, and a bus shelter is just the job.
TRANSLATOR
1 PEEVE Alcoholic. Also, to drink: "I was proper peeved-up."
2 TACK Hashish, usually of a very poor quality
3 NASH To move swiftly: "He proper did a nash when me fatha came home"
4 CHAW To steal
5 HOCKLE Spit
6 DAFTY Thick or gullible person
7 MONGED Off one's head
8 BAR An English pound: "Me fine was only fowty-bar."
9 SPECCY Spectrum cider, cheap and nasty
10 BELLA Bella Brusco, a vile white wine
11 DOUBLE CUSH Very good. Also 'pure cush', or simply 'cush'
12 CRIB Where a charver sleeps: "Am gan yairm to me crib."
Charver Dictionary
alfie To inform an authority about somebody's actions "y' puarly alfied on us"
a'narrrh I know
belta Used for expressing how good something is "that car's puarly belta"
bizzies Police officers
chaw To steal
chiv Knife, or to stab someone
clivva Clever, or healthy. "I'm not feeling ower clivva today."
couple-on Leave a tiny bit on a cigarette
cowie Drug, usually a pill
crib Where a Charver sleeps "Am gan hyem to me crib"
cush Or cushty. Cool
daint South Tyneside charverese, meaning 'don't'
doiler Idiot
eeenaaar Female Charver: "Have y' gorra tab?" "Eeee. Naaar."
fog First
fog-on Polite request to finish someone else's cigarette
friskin' To joke. "I was only friskin' ya man"
geet Very large: "He was a proper geet bloke"
git To exaggerate something. "You're git thick, you"
graft On your way to steal something
greef To be giving someone hassle, to be greef'n someone
heed the baal Lunatic
hew Can be pronounced 'how', used at the end of most sentences
hoisty Stolen car
hoo man Excuse me
hor That lady over there
hotching Stinking
hoy Hey you! "Hoy, man."
hoy To throw. "Hoy it arriz."
hoy To go on the piss. "Am gan on the hoy - y'cummin?"
kappa slappa Female Charver
keep toot Act as a look-out
ken Charver's home
ket Kiddies' confectionery
knaa To know "ya knaa what i just did?"
ladgeful Used for expressing how bad something is. "She's fuckin' ladgeful hor, man"
lowie Money
lush Lovely
maa Mother
mazzies Temazapan, a prescription drug mixed with alcohol which will mong out a Charver
mental, mental, chicken oriental Used as an expression of enthusiasm
meth Calling someone, to be a meth, or methin'
minging Smelly
mint Good/great: "That's mint, man."
mission/mish To be going somewhere, perhaps on the rob
Monday book Child allowance
monged Off one's head, usually due to drink or drugs
mullered Drunk
mortal Very drunk
mug Foolish person, easily led "he's pure mugged out"
narrrh Nasal sound which can mean 'no' or 'know' "A didn't narrrh y'had narrrh tabs"
nash To move swiftly "He proper did a nash when me da turned up"
ned Glaswegian Charver. (Non-educated delinquent)
nee botha No problem
nippa Partly-smoked cigarette, worn behind ear
n'that Etc. Can be used as a full stop at the end of any sentence
numpty Not a very bright person
offie Off license. Place to purchase alcohol, place of worship for charvers
pasty baby Child of a Charver lass, so-called because of all the crumbs and mess around them, from their staple diet
peeve Alcoholic drink. "He was proper peeved-up last neet."
puar From the English word pure. Puar and puarly are used to emphasise something. "It's puarly mint, man"
proper An adjective to be used anywhere in a sentence. "He's a proper radgee"
radgee Can be used as a noun, adjective or verb. Use where, when and as often as you like.
rockies Rockport shoes
scran Food
shan Not very good
sharon The female of the charver species.
skankin Foul-smelling, bad, stinking
skitzy Mental person, or monger
skwark The high pitch vocalisation made by a sharon.
snide Counterfeit or false
snout Cigarette
spacka boot Platform shoe
spark To hit someone
tack Smokeable narcotic of dubious strength
tatie Potatoe, or a stupid person
tickhead Wearer of a Nike baseball cap
TWOC Taken Without Owners Consent, the term used to steal a car
waxa See belta
whitey Temporary illness due to excessive alcohol or tack intake "he proper hoyed a whitey"
why aye, chicken pie Indication of agreement
workid "our kid", but used to greet anyone "y'alreet workid?"
You fancy a certain little radgie - but he can't take his eyes off your fringe? Then let one of these pendants work its magic charms. Made from shiny metal and recently modelled on catwalks and dole queues from Byker to Battle Hill, they'll set last week's love-bites off perfectly - and will soon have your new lad gnawing at your neck.
Bored with last year's finger fashions? It's time to cover those N.U.F.C. and A.C.A.B. tattoos with a few sovereign rings. They make a sophisticated 'ching' when you pick up your bottle of Bella Brusco. And - used properly - they'll take the side of the face off anyone who makes a move on you, your bottle, or your lad. Young mums can invest in their bairn's future. They make classy bracelets for babies aged 0-3 months.
Who wants to stand out from the crowd? You'll only get picked on. The simplest way to look like every other swearing, spitting, Sharon on your estate is to wear hoops - and wear 'em big. Who cares if your ear lobes are hanging lower than your tits by the time you're twenty? Make sure the hoops are big enough to fit over your head - including your fringe - and worry about the permanent disfigurement when you're more grown-up.
Life Studies
NAME: Danielle
AGE: 16
LIVES: With mam and her boyfriend in flat in Elswick
WEARS: Kappa top, Kappa pants and Reebok trainers,
ACCESSORIES: Hair piled up with gold ruffle, several kilos of gold chains around neck, sovereign rings, loads of orange makeup and a tab.
CAR: Boyfriend Darren's Y-reg Fiesta (the 'Shaggin' Wagon')
HOBBIES: Making sure "me fringe" is always perfect, chewing gum (even when eating chips), going to me mates, going nowhere
MUSIC: Happy Hardcore. Hates Indie music
TELLY: Big Breakfast, Home & Away and Emmerdale
FILMS: Action movies 'cos Darren likes them
SPORT: I forge a sick note to get off games at school
FOOD: Chips & gravy from the Chinkies, me mam's dinners, Burger King burgers
HOLIDAYS: Going to Ibiza next year if I get a job
DRINK & DRUGS: Castaway & Diamond White (with a straw), Embassy Regal and some tack if Darren's got any
NAME: Greavesy
AGE: 15
LIVES: With mam and girlfriend Kelly-Marie, on Harms Way, Bensham
WEARS: Nike top (XL), tracky bottoms tucked into white socks, Air Jordan sneeks, checky cloth cap, nippa behind left ear
CAR: Can take owt you want from one
HABITS & HOBBIES: Filling bus shelters with spit and tab-ends, setting pet Staffy on students and Goths, The Toon
MUSIC: Not fussed - them Steps are worth a shag
TELLY: The Bill, Toon on Sky Sports
FILMS: Nah, prefer vids
SPORT: Pool, fighting, The Toon
FOOD: McCain's Micro Chips, instant mash & baked beans, pickled onion crisps
HOLIDAYS: School one (Jan - Dec), occasional day trips to MetroCentre on the thieve
DRINK & DRUGS: Bit of tack, big bottle of Tango (for bong), Bella Brusco with White Lightning, pack of Drum a day
NAME: Tiffany (girl mates call her Tiff, boy mates call here Fanny)
AGE: 20
WORK: Mother and homemaker
LIVES: In council house with daughter Chantelle and boyfriend Wayne. Wayne's other daughter, Tamara, lives with his ex-wife. House has leaded windows, Austrian blinds, outside lights front and back, satellite dish, supermarket trolley and old carpet in garden
DAY WEAR: Naff Naff T-shirt, Sweater Shop cardigan, leggings and flip-flops. A Berghaus coat for when it's less than seventy-degrees
EVENING WEAR: Anything tight and short and easy to get off
CAR: Benwell Taxis
HABITS & HOBBIES: Benson & Hedges, Wrigleys, sitting on dining chair on front step, talking to Sharon next door. Friday nights, Bigg Market
TELEVISION: Anything on Sky
FILMS: Anything on Sky Movie
SPORTS: Toon on Sky Sports, W.W.F.
FOOD: Something from Netto after collecting Chantelle from nursery.
HOLIDAYS: Spain next year with Wayne
DRINK & DRUGS: Bottle of white wine before going out, some tack and a few trebs. Cushty.
522-
An interesting and frightfully accurate piece on the state of modern Britain
LONG READING BUT 100% ACCURATE........
Quality, worth the read ! Including the disclaimer at the bottom..... Frighteningly
accurate description of life in Britain......... Help is not on the way either!
From Barry Beelzebub's Column in the Bristol Evening Post.
I've always been somewhat ambivalent about the National Lottery. It's always struck me as a good way of conning stupid poor people into funding stupid middle class arts projects like that £10,000 upside down dead tree now "growing" in Knowle West, Bristol. (Obviously, us middle classes can't afford such things ourselves - we've been repeatedly mugged by Gordon Brown to the point where prostitution seems the best proposition when it comes to paying the school fees.) But Mrs B is a convert. Every Saturday afternoon, while I'm enjoying port and cigars in a football ground boardroom somewhere in the country, off she goes to wager her pound. Sometimes my man Whittaker will drive her, but if he's busy strangling stoats in the Lower Meadow she'll happily yomp the seven miles or so to the nearest 24-hour ScroteShop, (purveyors of microwave meals and cheap cider to the Giro-wielding classes). Once there, she'll take her place in the lengthy queue amid the slack-jawed, gum-chewing, knuckle-dragging dross of society, the shiny golden coins saved religiously from their crack allowance clutched in their sweaty, tattooed, sovereign ring-encrusted paws. Bear with me. I can feel a digression coming on. Who are these people, these Burberry Apes with their back-to-front baseball caps, their silly technicolour trainers and their boom-boom Vauxhall Astras with the windows down and the volume set at max? From whence did they spring? We didn't have them when I was a lad. Back then, poor people knew their place. They had bread and dripping and coin-operated televisions. They had too many children and a mangle in the back yard. They had vests and chilblains. They had sterilised milk bottles on their kitchen table and torn up newspaper hanging on a hook in their outside toilet. But they knew who they were, and they knew that one day it might be the pools man banging on the front door rather than the tally man. At least they lived in hope, however misplaced it might have been. Our current welfare classes have no idea how to behave. They somehow think that they're as good as the rest of us, the honest working people who fund their indulgent, selfish lifestyles. The male of the species is a feckless, workshy scrote, devoid of responsibility or ambition and drip-fed lager and Lacoste by a frightened government. He will never work. His father (should he be able to identify him from the men in his immediate community who are 14 years older than him) never worked, so why should he? Anyway, having a job means getting up, going to work and following instructions. It requires discipline and a sense of self-respect. Why bother with that when Trisha's on the telly and the bookies opens in half an hour? The female of the species is an even more simplistic specimen. With their bejewelled kebab bellies rising unopposed above their elasticated waistbands, their builders' bottom thongs and their babies with pierced ears, these young women no longer look upon raising a child as a labour of love but as a career opportunity. Kids equal council houses, and benefits, and a lifetime diet of Lambert and Butler and Pot Noodles. And the more the merrier. And if a Friday night fumble with a stranger up a night club back alley, a bag of chips clutched in one hand and a bottle of alcopops in the other, results in yet another pregnancy, then so what? Just don't spill my chips, sweetheart. And what's your name again? And do you know what's really scary? We're on a downward spiral. Think about it. The average couple, with two jobs and a mortgage, can barely afford to feed themselves, never mind finance a pair of expensive offspring. Meanwhile the shell-suit mob are at it like rabbits. Just ask Lizzie Bardsley. Decent society, however you might care to define it, is under siege from a burgeoning underclass that breeds like rats and is gradually taking over by sheer weight of numbers. And while we might sneer at their so-called fashion sense, at least they're readily identifiable as they lurk beer drinking and spitting outside Poundstretcher and Argos. It's now the school holidays, right? And every day, another school burns to the ground. Who do you think is doing it? Henry and George from the fee-paying prep school? Or Dwayne and Wayne from the excluded gang outside the amusement arcade? I think you know the answer. Maybe we should be more proactive. Perhaps we should have a council-funded ScroteCatcher van that goes around picking up no-marks of either sex and forcibly sterilising them. Then we can look at ways of barcoding their existing offspring at birth, perhaps by inserting a microchip condemning them to lifelong expatriation to Wales. Maybe we should be even more radical than that. You know those laboratories where evil scientists routinely scalpel the eyelids off kittens for fun? Let's get them to come up with a kind of Myxomatosis for scrotes. A deadly disease only transmitted through polyester sportswear, microwave chips and tin jewellery. Let's face it. You'd only have to plant the bug on a Post Office counter on a Thursday morning and the problem would be solved. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the Lottery. I think we have established by now that any idiot can win the Lottery. Solicitor or scrote, the fickle finger of fate is indiscriminate in its pointing. You've never seen Nelson Mandela running into the local and buying drinks on the house because he's got the bonus ball, have you? You've never seen Ghandi and Mother Theresa cruising the streets in that new Bentley coupe after coming up trumps on their grandchildren's birthdates, have you?
(Hang on, that doesn't work.) Which brings us, more or less neatly, to a gentleman called Iorworth Hoare. He's Welsh, of course. And he's also a serial rapist who was serving what passes for life these days in relative anonymity until he popped into a ScroteShop while on weekend leave and won £7m on the National Lottery. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the NuLabour law-making classes, who obviously hadn't thought this one through. Consequently, that nice Mr Blunkett is now coming up with yet another new law - I am led to believe that this will be the 662nd since Mr Blah came to power - to make sure that in future, serving prisoners won't be able to share in Camelot's largesse. Might I make a simpler suggestion? Mr Hoare is a repeat offender who has been in and out of the clink for the past 30 years. Every time they let him go, he tried to rape another poor woman and got banged up again. What on earth was he doing out "on leave" in the first place? He should never, ever have been able to pop in a ScroteShop and buy a Lottery ticket for starters. In fact, if we had a proper legal system in this country, he'd have had his hands cut off after his second offence and wouldn't even have been able to fill out the ticket. Worse than that, following hard on the heels of the wandering Mr Hoare, we learn that another Leyhill "lifer" who absconded last week has been regularly travelling into Bristol to undergo a "work placement" in a city centre office. When he did a runner on Tuesday, police advised the public that he was dangerous and shouldn't be approached. Hang on a minute. This bloke has been working in someone's office for God knows how many months. Did they know he was a nutter? What if someone had entombed his stapler in jelly for a laugh? It doesn't bear thinking of. I am drawn, like a moth to the flame, to the comic possibilities of that nice Mr Blunkett's dalliance with a married woman, the subject of much newspaper coverage in recent days. I mean, what did he see in her? Ah well, love is blind. And anyway, I always thought he was gay. Every time I see pictures of him he's holding some bloke's hand. And for a man alleged to be the Government's most hard-working Minister, whenever he appears on the telly he's out walking his dog. How hard-working is that?
-- Barry Beelzebub
-- The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who doesn't think that the Alf Roberts memorial fountain is a waste of public money, of anyone who can understand why the Government is publishing a guide to asylum seekers in ... Welsh, or of anyone who didn't spend Sunday morning transfixed in front of the telly watching Sharron Davies' nipples. Chapel hat pegs don't do them justice. Outstanding work, and worth the licence fee on their own.
523-
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookinga forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey-dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductor comea by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta usea da dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga luncha and start to opena da bottle of nicea vino! Conductor walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka ina disa car. Musta usea da cluba car.' "So, we go to da cluba car.
While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smoka ina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.'
"We go to smokina car and I smokea my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada~boomada and the conductor, he walka through da hall shouting ata da topa hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'
"Next time, I'ma gonna takea da bus."
524-
Stevie Wonder on his sell out tour of Japan - last stop Tokyo. He's just finished playing his seventies classic Sir Duke.
The crowd is still going wild when a young man at the front says: "You, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord. Play a Jazz chord." So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese lad says: "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord". So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished the lad shouts: "No, Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord". By now Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done two for you," he says to the fan. "But it best song of Stevie Wonder, it very famous..." comes the reply. "OK, well how does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius. The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing: ....."A jazz chord ... to say ... a ruv you ...... a jazz chord ... to say how much a cared..."
525-
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?
A family reunion.
526-
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
527-
What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece?
He married her!
528-
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, it’s a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?"
529-
Leah and Rose always meet every week at Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, we’ve talked about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weather’s like in Bournemouth, and our Rabbi’s recent poor sermon. Next time we meet, why don’t we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it won’t go with your green tablecloth."
530-
Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. "Can I have 50 Chanukah stamps please?"
"Of course," says the clerk, "what denomination?"
"Oy vay," says Sadie, "has it come to this already? OK, give me 14 liberal, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps please."
531-
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue one shabbos morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."
532-
Issy and Daniel, the well-known anthropologists, were having a discussion. "Daniel, do you think there are any Jewish Eskimos about?"
"I don’t know," replies Daniel, "but why don’t we go see for ourselves?"
Two weeks later they’re in Alaska. As they ask around, they are consistently directed to one particular, very ornate igloo. When they go inside, they find a family of four Eskimos sitting around an ice table munching candles - and they weren’t ordinary candles. From the cardboard boxes on the table, Issy and Daniel could clearly see that they were Yahrtzeit candles.
Surprised by this revelation, Issy turns to the Eskimo father and says, "We’ve noticed the candles - are you Jewish by any chance?"
"No," came the reply, "we just like Jewish food."
533-
Nathan meets his friend Harry in the Edgware Bagel Factory. "I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved in with you. Is this true Harry?"
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"And I also hear that she’s recently become quite ill," says Nathan.
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"In fact, I hear that she’s so ill that she’s been taken into hospital," says Nathan.
"Yes its true," replies Harry.
"So how long has she been in hospital?" asks Nathan.
"In two days time, please God, it will be 2 weeks," replies Harry.
534-
There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking. As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, "Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin." Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep. Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. "She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!" To which his father replied, "Well son, you done right, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!"
535-
70% of Scousers admit to having a shower........
The other 30% say they haven’t been to prison yet.
536-
Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine
"Cobblers", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls"
Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard ! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly bastards, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash.
Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.
Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.
Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her?
Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury
moustache. I don't know who to Turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.
Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's OK for her practise putting with your dick.
Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do ?
A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi.
Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it ?
A. You wake up next to an ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap.
537-
Shlomo, who was regarded as one of the best paid insurance salesman around, was talking to a prospect. "How much life insurance do you have?"
"£15,000." came the reply.
"So," said Shlomo, "how long do you think you can stay dead on that kind of gelt?"
538-
Jewish sayings
1. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
2. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
3. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
4. No meal is complete without leftovers.
5. Jewish dietary law says pork may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
7. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
8. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your daughter is marrying out.
9. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
11. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
539-
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt-water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. The children of Israel and their descendants always had to be present at the Seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
540-
The Top Jewish Country & Western Songs
Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
Four Thousand Years of Sufferin' and I Had to Marry You
Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart
I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now I'm All Cut Up)
I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)
I'm Dancin' the Hora Alone
I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gentiles
Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt
My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight
My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
Stand by Your Mensch
That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like a Goniff
The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'
The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!
Why Don't We Get Drunk? - We're Jews
You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin
You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town
Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes
541-
Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl being sexually active?
A: Marry her!
542
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were both Jewish, do you know what Cheetah would be?
A: A fur coat.
543-
Q: Who was it who asked a Jewish Princess seven times to get married?
A: Her mother
544-
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ‘Enlighten Your Daughter’ meeting of the synagogue women’s guild. "Ladies," he says, "I’m sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie’s dead body."
A number of ‘Oy Vays’ are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."
545-
Would a Jewish mother say such things?
"If you’re good, I’ll buy you a motorbike for your birthday."
"Of course it’s OK to walk to school. There are only 3 main roads to cross."
"Get closer to the screen. How can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"There’s no need to wear a jacket tonight, it's not that cold out."
"Could you turn the music up a bit louder, please, so I can enjoy it too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors darling. And hurry up."
"I don't have a tissue with me. Why don’t you just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Sam’s mother says it's OK, then that's good enough for me."
"If your wife wants you to move overseas to live near her family, it's OK with me, darling."
"You really don't have to call me every week. I know how busy you are."
"Just live with him, you don't have to marry him."
"Mother's day, Schmother's day, just go to the cinema and enjoy yourselves."
"You’re really so lucky to have your in-laws. They’re very nice people."
"Let me smell your shirt - OK, it’s good for at least another week."
"Could you leave the lights on please - it makes the house more cheerful."
546-
Howard is visiting his prospective in-laws for the first time. As soon as he arrives, the father asks him, "Young man, can you support a family?"
Howard is surprised by this question and replies, "Well sir, to be truthful, I can’t. But I’m only planning to support your daughter - the rest of you will have to do whatever you can without my help."
547-
Leah walks into a pet shop in Golders Green and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is there any particular one you’re after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I’ve got the very one," says Hymie, "I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing. I’ll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Leah says, "I hope you’re not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won’t make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it’s not a real singing canary."
Hymie brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What mazel - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts out, "Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me, or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
548-
DOES IT MAKE YOU PROUD?
3 Brits die each year testing a 9 volt battery to see if it works, on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 through watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that the Christmas decorations on the tree were chocolate.
British hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker-pulling accidents.
101 Brits have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet since 1999.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 by trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A & E in the last 2 years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
AND FINALLY...
In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up in the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!!!
549-
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed in bed thinking about my dream until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and some coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
550-
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
551-
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
552-
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
553-
Two Jewish guys walking down the street when a very attractive girl passes by.
Hymie turns to Ben and says “I’d lend her one”
554-
Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who feels ready to marry and settle down. But he’s shy and finds it difficult to meet women. So he’s developed a great love of classical music and spends much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionel’s parents have been searching for a suitable shiddach (arranged marriage partner) for him. Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
"Lionel, I think I may have found you a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let me show you their photos."
The first photo is of a beautiful woman. "Rebecca," says his father, "informs me that she has a talent for cooking great kosher food – her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15 and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music."
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is as thick as a wrestler’s neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked and her lips are almost non-existent.
"Now Sadie," says his father, "might not be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. She’ll be famous one day - she showed me a Poster of a concert she’s giving soon at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden."
Lionel studies the two photos. Although Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon, Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, "Sadie, for goodness sake, sing a little something."
555-
Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish,
"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"
Moshe notices that the beggar is always smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note in his hat.
"Why thank you very much sir," says the beggar, "you are very generous."
"Tell me," asks Moshe, "don’t you have a family?"
"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have a lovely family."
"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.
"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."
"Well I think it’s disgraceful that they won’t support you," says Moshe.
"But they would support me if I let them," says the beggar.
"So why don’t you let them?" asks Moshe.
"What, and lose my hard won independence?" replies the beggar.
556-
Emanuel the mohel comes home early in a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty, who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice cover designed for mohels."
"This I've never heard before," says Monty, "but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M at a premium of £500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"There's a two inch deductible."
557-
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
558-
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.
559-
A Greek and Italian one day were debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
So on and so on and then the Greek says, "We invented sex."
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
560-
Q: What’s the difference between Italians and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast
561-
Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato . Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"
562-
Irish man was having sex with a
Jewish gal.
"You're not very tight for a Jewish gal" says the Irishman.
"You're not very thick for an Irish man" comes the reply.
563-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
564-
Maurice is in hospital and knows he is dying. As he lays in bed in his private room, struggling to breathe, his family and children around him, he starts to talk very quietly.
"Freda," he whispers.
"Yes dear, what is it?" Freda says.
"I want you should know something before I die. Harry the butcher owes me £100, Levine the pharmacist owes me £400, and our next door neighbour Moishe owes me £600 and the return of my lawnmower. Don’t let them off, will you?"
"Of course I won’t, darling," Freda replies.
Freda turns to her children and says, "Oy, what a wonderful man your father is. Let this be a lesson to you all - even though he’s dying, he still knows who owes him money. What a mensh he is."
Then Maurice then finds some strength to say a bit more. "Freda, I want you also to know that I still owe Bernard, my cousin, £1,700 of the £5,000 he lent me 3 years ago."
"Oy veh," cries Freda, "it’s nearly the end for my Maurice – he’s getting delirious."
565-
Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
566-
Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris’s house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.
“Beckie’s two hours late, Max.”
“She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash,” replies Max, “or maybe she’s still shopping.”
“Oy Vay!” says Morris, “I hope she’s not shopping!”
567-
Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Hi Moshe, I haven’t seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"
"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed a bit since then."
"What do you mean?" Sam asks.
"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience."
568-
The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country.
The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls."
She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.
A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another Golf."
569-
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."--- Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P. J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."---John McCain, U. S. Senator from Arizona
"I don't know why people were surprised that France wouldn't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."--David Letterman
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
570-
During the 1950's, a pair of British brothers were riding across Europe in a sleeping compartment on a train.
One of the brothers was extremely hard of hearing, so when there was a knock on the door, the other brother answered. Standing there was a very proper gentleman, all dressed in white, including a bowler hat, shoes and spats.
"How may I help you?", inquired the brother.
"Well, it seems they have over-booked the compartments, and I was wondering if you might be good enough to share yours."
"WHAT?", said the hearing impaired brother.
"HE WANTS TO SHARE OUR COMPARTMENT!!"
"Oh, jolly good, jolly good." The conversation between them continued, and the
brother said, "Might I ask what you do for a living?"
"Of course," replied the gentleman. "I've just retired from 25 years in Her Majesty's Service."
"WHAT?"
"HE'S JUST RETIRED FROM HER MAJESTY'S SERVICE!"
"Oh, jolly good, jolly good."
'How interesting! Where did you serve, if you don't mind my asking?"
The gentleman replied, "Most of the time, I was stationed in Calcutta, India."
"Really!", said the brother. "You didn't happen to know a Millicent Cholmondely-Smith, did you?"
The gentleman smiled and said, "Ah, Millicent! Best piece of ass and blow job I ever had!"
"WHAT?"
"HE SAYS HE KNOWS MOTHER!!"
571-
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob said; "Ya' know sumthin', Luther, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different. Last few years," he said: "ahh took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earline got pregnant agin. Last year you suggested Tahiti and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant yet agin. "I ain't gonna do THAT agin." Luther asked Billy Bob: "So, what you gonna' do this year that's different?" Billy Bob replied: "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
572-
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
573-
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from Canada, says: 'My answer is, there IS no answer.' The second, from New Zealand, says: 'My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.' The third one from Australia says: 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.' The Australian got the job.
574-
Chav Test ~ (If you score more than 5
yeses there’s no hope for you)
Have any friends or family members been pregnant under the age of 20?
Do you know the location of your local JD Sports store?
Do you own more trainers then normal shoes?
Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Hackett, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Nickelson?
Have you ever referred to your home as your 'Gaff' 'Drum' 'Yard' ?
Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?
Have you ever bought Super Kings?
Do any of your friends or family own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier?
Have you ever had a fight with a cab driver?
Have you ever worn hoop earrings?
Do you think Starbucks coffees are too expensive?
Have you ever thrown up in the street?
Have you ever vandalised a phone booth?
Have you ever referred to your friends as your 'crew' or your' massive'
Do you know who Mike Skinner is?
Have you ever had a pay as you go gas or electricity meter?
Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?
Do you use external Christmas decorations?
Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?
Have you ever visited a friend or family member in jail?
Do you know a drug dealer?
Are tinted windows cool?
Have you ever bought 'economy' brand at Sainsbury's?
Do you listen to Drum n Bass?
Have you ever purchased jewellery at H.Samuel?
Have you ever been to, Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?
Do you know anyone from Hastings or Croydon?
Do you enjoy theme parks and fun fairs?
Have you ever had a full English Breakfast abroad?
Are any of your friends of family receiving a benefit?
Have any of your friends or family been buried by Co-op Funeral Directors?
Did you know the capital of Australia is Sydney?
Have you ever been to Chelsea Football Club?
Do you own a gold chain, sovereign ring or Burberry Cap?
Have you ever shopped at Bluewater?
Are you scared of your neighbours
Would you consider buying any of these cars? Vauxhall Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Impreza, Fiat Punto?
Dio you read Max Power, The Daily Star, Heat or the Sun?
Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?
Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?
Do you know know the term 'Croydon Face Lift'
Have you ever ordered Ham Egg and Chips at a restaurant?
Do you understand text abbreviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)
Have you ever seen / been involved in a fight at a wedding?
Have you ever drank Lager before midday?
Would you consider a honeymoon in Teneriffe?
575-
These are "Personal Ads" in the Dublin (Ireland) News.
And who said all the good ones were taken ?
----------------------------------------------------
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive
21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
-----------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
-----------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
576-
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."
577-
Why do Jewish American princesses wear gold plated diaphragms?
They like men who come into money
578-
Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first Irish mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
579-
Morris Greenbaum phones his wife to tell her he has just been bumped by a car in the shopping centre car park.
"Get straight over to that lovely young Doctor Silverman and let him examine you"
When he gets home Ruth is all of a panic. "So! tell me what did the doctor say?'
"He says I've got a flucky" says Morris.
"Oy! what are we going to do" says Ruth, "I know, I'll ring Rebecca, she knows about these things." 'Mine Morris got bumped by a car and that lovely young Dr. Silverman tells him he's got a flucky, what should I do?"
"In the old country when anyone got a flucky, cold, plenty of cold, the more cold the better and lots of cold drinks"
Her sister Mary is with her and hears this. "For a flucky you never give cold, it has to be warmth, better you should give warm and lots of hot, sweet lemon tea, in the old country for a flucky you always gave warmth"
Cold, Heat, Oy! now thoroughly agitated Ruth decides she must speak to the lovely Dr. Silverman herself. "Doctor, you saw mine Morris this morning after he got bumped by the car, can you tell me exactly what is wrong with him?"
"Like I told him Mrs Greenbaum, nothing's wrong, he got off lucky"
580-
Moshe’s business was struggling. So he was very dismayed to receive this letter from his supplier
Dear Moshe, We regret that we won’t be able to fill your recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits until full payment has been received for your last order. Please advise.
Moshe wrote back
Dear supplier, Please cancel my recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits. I cannot wait that long.
581-
Miriam had a problem with her young son Ben - he went into a total panic every time she served up the family’s favourite dish of kreplach. Every effort she and her husband made to explain to Ben how nice kreplach tasted failed miserably. So she took Ben to see doctor Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist.
Doctor Lewis listened to the problem, then said, "I think this situation is easy to resolve. All you have done so far is talk – you’ve told Ben how nice kreplach are but you haven’t yet shown him how nice they are. So take him home and let him watch you prepare the kreplach. First of all, let him see the ingredients that go inside a kreplach. Then show him how a kreplach is made. Once he sees there’s nothing to be scared of, he will grow to like them."
When they returned home, Miriam followed doctor Lewis’s advice. She took Ben into her kitchen and sat him down to watch her prepare a kreplach. She put in front of him a small mound of dough and a plate of chopped meat she had prepared earlier. "See Ben," she said, "is there anything here to be worried about?"
"No mum," smiled Ben.
Miriam then put some minced meat in the centre of the dough and folded over one corner. She looked at Ben and saw he was still smiling. ‘Maybe this will actually work,’ she thought.
She folded over the second corner (Ben was still smiling) and then the third. All was going better than she had dared hope. Then she folded over the last corner – and immediately Ben started to get into a state and shouted, "Oy veh, kreplach."
582-
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think it’s possible to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, "This might be easier than I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the right and it’s the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."
583-
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. When he gets to his seat, he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "It’s named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny, "what did he write?"
"A cheque," replies the official.
584-
Daniel is walking down Golders Green High Road when he sees in the distance his old friend Victor sitting outside Bank Leumi. Daniel hasn’t seen Victor for many years and so is looking forward to meeting him again. As Daniel comes up to Victor, he is surprised to see that Victor is not just sitting there doing nothing – he’s actually selling shmaltz herrings from a barrel - and he appears to be doing good business. Daniel goes up to Victor and within seconds they are both hugging each other.
Daniel asks, "So how are you getting on in London, Victor?"
"I’m OK," replies Victor, "I’m making a living."
"Well then," says Daniel, "maybe you could lend me £20. I’m not doing so well these days."
"I’m sorry," replies Victor, "I just can’t do that. It’s not allowed."
"What do you mean it’s not allowed?" asks Daniel.
"Well, in order to get Bank Leumi to allow me this pitch outside their bank, I made a deal with them. They promised not to sell shmaltz herring and I promised not to lend money."
585-
IRISH PERSONAL ADS
1 ~ Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
2 ~ Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
3 ~ Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
4 ~ Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
5 ~ Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
6 ~ Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
7 ~ Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
586-
This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off while fucking, but he never notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about ready to come he notices something fall out of her cunt. Picking it up, he reads: Rothstein & Lieberman, Tailors. "Jesus Christ," he says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"
587-
A Maori family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hapu facilities were completely full so they have to put him in a Presbyterian home.
After a few weeks in the Presbyterian residential care facility, they come to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's bloody marvellous! Everyone here is so kind and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here.... 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for
25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Maori!"
588-
The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.
DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF THE USA
To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester... You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with