Doctor 2
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Have you heard about the latest wonder drug?
When administered to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent.
The FDA refuses to approve it, though. They fear it will be habit-forming.
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The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
"My pee smells like ham."
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Medical Sex Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?)
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world . It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause
spon taneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? )
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.
24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
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A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
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GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called a boy a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: THAT BASTARD.!
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A California doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active...She says that she is not.
An examination shows that she is pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"
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IMPORTANT BULLETIN
Many men are buying "black market" Viagra from Mexican mail-order drug stores.
The U.S Food and Drug Administration has announced several of these pharmacies are mixing Viagra with ground up Mexican jumping beans. The results can be something...unexpected.
Here is what happens when Viagra is combined with Mexican jumping beans:-
249-
I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
250-
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
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A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, thedoctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find noproblems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor.
"I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "How many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called .."
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"
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Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait
3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the pharmacist about condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead Morgantown, West Virgina
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Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: -
'Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.'
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Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance
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Becky was talking to Shlomo. "Oy vay, Shlomo."
"What's wrong, Becky?" he asks.
"I was thinking about myself this morning and I couldn't believe just how things have got worse now that I'm chronologically challenged. I'm living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet and can't feel my toes. I've survived a triple-heart bypass operation and had both my hips replaced. I'm loosing the sight in my right eye and my hearing is terrible. I've got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating."
"And that's not all, Shlomo. I'm sure I'm suffering from senile dementia - I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79. I'm also sure I'm suffering from senile dementia - I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79."
"But I continue to survive, Shlomo - at a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts. But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my driver's license."
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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Two old men with Alzheimers were sat in the recreation room of the old peoples home, when one said to the other " I fancy an ice cream how about you ?".
The other said " I'd love one, with a flake and sauce on"
With that the first old man makes to walk off, the second old man calls after him " hold on a minute and I'll write that down for you because you will only forget".
" No I won't " He replied I won't be long.
Ten minutes later the old man returns with two burgers.
" What's that ? " said the other old man.
" Burger what does it look like " said the first old man.
" I know " replied the second " But what happened to the fries and mayo ?"
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Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with her husband Abe.
Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?"
"Yes," says Sadie.
But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers has to tell her, "We're getting nowhere, Sadie. You're too secretive. I'll try just once more - please reply quickly to the questions I'm going to ask you or I won't be able to help."
"OK." says Sadie.
"Have you ever looked directly into Abe's face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers.
"Yes," replies Sadie.
"We're making progress at last," says doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abe's face while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?"
"Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger on his face."
"Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "we're nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abe's while you were making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly what Abe was doing at the time?"
Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking at me through the bedroom window."
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EXERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
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How to avoid the flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR . You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!
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A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
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"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the
gynaecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
263-
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
264-
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"
265-
Jonathan goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then" says Jonathan, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, "I'm so sorry," he says to
Jonathan, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Jonathan looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
266-
Man says to doctor " every time I look in the mirror I get an erection".
Doctor says " that’s cause you look like a cunt".
267-
Lynn fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Lynn, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband Bill is bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
268-
The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
269-
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."
270-
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working."
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"
271-
Bob walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".
With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!"
To which the Bob replies, "Make it 100 then..."
272-
The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.
The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.
"Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.
"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep....?!"
273-
Patient: “How much to have this tooth pulled?”
Dentist: “Ninety dollars.”
Patient: “Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?”
Dentist: “I can extract it very slowly if you like.”
274-
A Jewish man in New York breaks his dentures. He searches around for a dental technician who will make a replacement at a reasonable price. The first quotes $300, the next $400 and the third $500, all much too expensive for him.
Then his wife, hearing of these prices says, "Well, Hymie, why don't you speak to my nephew, Solly - he's just qualified as a dentist and I'm sure he'll give you a good deal."
Hymie says, "Oy Vay . Solly is a schmuck - he's no experience and I wouldn't like to wear dentures he'd made."
However, after some nagging by his wife, he goes to see Solly who says that he could make a set of
dentures for $100, and he finally agrees to have the set made. After a few weeks, Solly comes up with the dentures but they don't fit too well. Hymie takes them back a few times and Solly puts on a bit of material here and grinds off some there but they still don't fit.
Then, for about three weeks, Solly does not see Hymie. By chance they meet in the street.
"Hello Uncle Hymie," Solly said, "it's good to see you - how are the dentures?"
"Solly," he says, "let me tell you a story. For the past couple a' weeks I am on a vacation in the Caribbean, fishing. One day we are out and I am fishing off the back of the boat when I hook a great big tuna, maybe 300 pounds. This very strong fish swims away from me and I'm trying to hold him but the line runs out over 200 yards and I really am struggling."
"Then the fish turns and swims towards the boat - he's coming at me very fast and I am frantically trying to reel in the line which falls into the boat and gets wound around my testicles. Suddenly it turns and starts to swim fast away from the boat."
"Solly, right then for the first time, I don't feel your dentures!"
275-
A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
276-
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
277-
The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor:
"After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."
"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor. "How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."
278-
Doctor Terminology! What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
279-
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned.
After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and night." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.
Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
280-
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.
The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"
Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"
281-
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured."
The psychologist explains. "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because
it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster".
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug".
282-
An older man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis.
He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.
"Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?" he pleaded. , , , "But don't do anything about the swelling.
283-
The regulations at Golders Green Hospital require a wheelchair to be provided for all patients being discharged. So when Michelle, a student nurse, was told that the patient in Room 50 was being discharged, she found a wheelchair and took it to the room. When she entered, there was Moshe, an elderly man, fully dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. "OK, lets go," she told him, "just pop into the wheelchair and I’ll take you downstairs."
Moshe argued with her. "But I don’t need your help to go downstairs, nurse. I’m not that old. I can do it perfectly well by myself."
But no matter how hard he insisted that he didn't need her help to leave the hospital, Michelle was more insistent. "You just have to leave in the wheelchair, no matter how fit you think you are – it’s the rules," she said, "You can’t change them."
So very reluctantly, Moshe let Michelle wheel him to the lift. On their way down, Michelle asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," Moshe said, "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
284-
My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love.
I've always known this, but how did he find out?
285-
The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital's
labour and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled. A sixteen-year-old in
labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia. Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled FUCK right into the nurse's face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, "You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."
286-
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with the proper tool in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
287-
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe."
288-
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"
289-
The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.
"Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."
"WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"
290-
An 80 year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked: "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said: "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said: "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" The old timer said: "Who said my Dad's dead?" The doctor said: "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said: "He's 100 years old and in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer." The doctor said: "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said: "Who said my Grandpa's dead?" The doctor said: "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! How old is he?" The old timer said: "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said: "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said: "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The doctor said in amazement: "Got married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get
married?" The old timer said: "Who said he wanted to...?"
291-
The late actor, Sir Ralph Richardson was acting in a play when, in mid-scene on stage, suddenly turned to the audience and uttered the immortal words, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
A man stood up and said, "Yes, Sir Ralph. I'm a doctor, what's the matter?"
"Doctor," said Sir Ralph, "Isn't this play awful?"
292-
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"
293-
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
294-
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his workshop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. He straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running!"
295-
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."
296-
A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,
"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"
297-
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly: "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
298-
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"
299-
A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place" Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You
have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?"
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."
"Yes?", the board said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
300-
A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.
The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.
Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting.
301-
Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
302-
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
303-
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in
watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
304-
The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Jill's room. Jill called out to come in. The doctor then proceeded to tell Jill to remove all of her clothing after which he gave her a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of her body untouched. When he had finished, Jill looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," he replied.
Jill asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"
305-
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."
306-
"Y'all got any American razor blades in here ?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."
"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."
"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."
307-
A cattle rancher lived very far from town, his wife was pregnant and about due. He went to see the doctor because he wouldn't be able to get his wife to the doctor in time for the birth of his first baby.
The doctor told him, "Hank there's nothing to worry about. You've delivered calf's from a cow before haven't you?"
Hank says, "Yes"
The doctor says, "Well it's the same thing involved when a woman gives birth to a baby."
Hank leaves much less worried.
A few weeks later Hank stops by the doctor's office and tells the doc. "I'm the proud father of a 9-pound boy."
He smiles. The doc asks, "Did everything go OK?"
Hank answers, "Yeah, just one thing, I almost had to beat the shit out of her to make her eat the afterbirth
308-
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me the world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!"
309-
A college graduate was suffering from constipation, his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the he complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
He says, "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my ass?"
310-
Saw a commercial for Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some "warnings" about using it. One of their warnings stated something like 'erections lasting more than 4 hours may need immediate medical attention'.
I can see this guy going to an emergency room and saying "I've got a hard on that won't go away!"
"Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?"
"No, maybe a nurse or two."
311-
A guest lecturer to the Medical College stopped by the bulletin board.
Listed for the day was the topic, " Surprises in Obstetrics".
Scrawled under it in pencil were the words, " Mary had a little lamb."
312-
In a Chicago hospital, an elderly gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. 'Sir, she said:' you may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.' He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each grey button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and there was also a red one marked ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. So he pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently across his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought, men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water and gently dried his undercarriage.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable delight. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its task, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he just knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew as he opened his eyes, he was back in bed with another nurse staring down at him. 'What happened?' he exclaimed: 'the last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button...' She
snapped: 'The ATR button operates an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow!'
313-
A nun goes to a doctor because she thinks she had crabs.
She says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think I have crabs, but I don't understand how I got them because I've never had sex before!"
So the doctor says, "Well, lets take a look."
So the nun pulls down her pants, pulls down her underwear, and fruit flies come flying out of her vagina.
The doctor says, "Sister, you don't have crabs. Those are fruit flies,... your cherry's rotten!"
314-
A female
acquaintance of mine had tired of playing the club/dating scene and after deciding to find some financially suitable and physically presentable gent to settle down with who had all the correct hair,
skin and eye colouring, was the right height and weight for her planned assault in producing offspring to cement, she thought, her future financial security. She was very surprised to find a candidate so quickly.
The one hang up to her plan was the victim was a product of a small southern bible college and being a bit naive, wanted a world class beauty, well educated, street wise, untouched virgin bride to marry.
Since she had thrown off all bounds of virginity way back in high school to seek out the hidden mysterious passions ` reputed to be associated with wild boys and sex she was about as far from being mistaken for a virgin as one could get.
But seeing she was determined to go forward with the pursuit of her goal, I suggested she visited a doc I knew to see about the possibility of reconstructing her hymen and hide or mask any hints of her previous sexual activities.
The doctor told her that it would cost around $500, but there was another quicker way that would cost only $50 and with the addition of some hysterical theatrics on her part, he thought she could no doubt accomplish the same ruse.
So my friend opted to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes and then informed her she was ready for launch or "hot to trot !"
After the wedding "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, the screams, everything was there.
Then she asked him how he did it. He looked at her, smiled devilishly and said, "I tied your pubic hair together,"
315-
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."
316-
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
317-
The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth.
As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK?"
I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me."
The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."
318-
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
319-
A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist, " I was out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of
Wednesday. When I got home I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend". The man then broke down into
uncontrollable tears. The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then shrugged and said," maybe she never got the telegram."
320-
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked. "The one on the
wall!" the doctor said. "What wall?" Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in Naked. "What do you see now?" "Nothing." "Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Leonardwood!. Welcome to the Army son."
321-
Murphy was a very famous microsurgeon who worked in a hospital way up in the wilds. Nearby the hospital, there was a factory and in the factory, there was this incredible machine. Now, the worker of the machine had to put his hand inside the machine many times a day to retrieve the parts after they were processed and, as there was a kind of blade that came round, the worker had to time it correctly so as the blade did not interfere with his hand as he was reaching into the machine. One day, anyway, he was feeling a bit under the weather and as he reached into the machine to retrieve the part, he was too slow getting his hand out of the way, the blade came 'round and off went his hand! So, a few of his colleagues ran over and said, "Never mind, Tim! You'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed hand into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "There's genius of a surgeon who's just started to work at the hospital and his name is Murphy." T hey rushed Tim into the operating theatre and, after a six-hour operation; he woke up the next morning in a hospital bed. He was afraid to look, but eventually opened one eye and he spotted his hand back in its normal place. Amazed, he moved one finger, then he moved another finger, then another, another and another . . . then another (he had six fingers on the one hand; very unusual hand). He was back to normal and two days later he was down the pub playing accordion as if he'd never had his hand chopped off. Now, back at the factory, some of his colleagues were very curious about this machine and came over a few days later to have a closer look at it. One lad, completely overcome with curiosity, stood up on the edge of it and lost
concentration for a moment and his leg slipped. Around came the blade and chopped off his foot! His friends were very quick to react: "Never mind, Brian! Hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed foot into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous microsurgeon will save yer foot." They rushed Brian into the operating theatre and, after an eleven-hour operation, he was out playing football the following weekend. At this point in time, Murphy's reputation had gone completely through the roof and he was hailed as the most incredible micro surgeon since microsurgery began. On the following Monday, a few more of the factory workers who were curious about the machine came over to have a look at it and one guy was trying to figure it out and stuck his head in. . . and the blade came 'round and chopped his head off! "Never mind, Mick! Quick, hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed head into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous micro surgeon will save you." They rushed Mick into the operating theatre and Murphy operated on him for twenty-four-hours straight. All the factory workers were waiting outside when Murphy the microsurgeon appeared at the door and the workers began to shout, "Hey, is he talkin' yet?" " Can he sing a song?" "Is he all right?" Murphy looked at them and said, "He's dead." Shock and disbelief! "But, but, what about Murphy's miraculous microsurgery?" "Oh", said Murphy, "That worked 100%, but you guys smothered him with the plastic bag."
322-
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."
323-
Sherry goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger....."
324-
Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?"
"After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that."
"After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that."
Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.’"
325-
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"
The girl said, "Army."
"Active or retired?"
"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"
326-
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you friggin' twat!"
327-
EPT (early pregnancy test)
Blue means not pregnant.
Pink means pregnant.
Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.
328-
The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to
speak to the man lying there.
"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.
"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him.
"You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.
"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.
"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.
Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.
"What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess.
"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.
"Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better... I'll tell the queen."
329-
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from your recreational area...... I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
330-
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.
Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene
behaviour.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
331-
The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African woman's magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people who's first (or even second) language is NOT English! and who live, to put it politely, a very rural existence.
Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as vaginitis.
The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from black women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them.
The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swears that every single one of them is genuine, no spelling or grammar has been changed.
Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious ......
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis......
2. Please send me the following symptoms : itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.....
3. I am one of those with a virginal problem..... I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable........
4. Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex.......
5. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly.....
6. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.....
7. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex....
8. My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed time....
9. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections....
10. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me another medicine...
11. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me....
12. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable...
13. I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain.....
14. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy...
15. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse at all....
16. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and thay told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity.....
17. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions..
18. Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do...
19. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it....
20. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me....
21. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant....
22. The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert.....
23. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn't help....
24. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.....
25. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written......
26. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.....
27. I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped with me.....
28. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection...
29. I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.....
30. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older....
31. .... and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
32. I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse....
33. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork.....
34. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and I need your help.....
35. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.....
36. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my Promised One. She urges me so help me to help her. 37. My new address is (address supplied).. ........ but please send your reply to my old address
38. Can I get vaginal infection without prescription......
39. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe....
40. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex.....
41. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem.......
42. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.....
43. I have reorganised my virginia recently .......
44. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis.....
45. How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe.....
46. .... but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.....
47. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected........
48. I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina.....
49. The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere....
50. My vagina was discharged recently..........
51. My vagina is deceased......
52. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you....
53. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis......
54. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better.....
55. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly......
56. .... but I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.....
57. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.....
58. Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins......
59. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you....
60. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure......
61. Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir , and send me this infection quickly...
62. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex......
63. Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them....
64. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's regret....
65. At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex....
66. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.....
67. You will find the vaginal infections at the above address....
68. Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis, the reliable relief from symptoms.....
332-
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and get myself checked over. I haven’t been to see him for ages."
"That’s a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser why she’s come. "I haven’t had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then I’ll look you over."
As soon as she’s done what he’s asked, Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This one’s fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now I’ll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out Kitty’s private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three, four ........"
333-
Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation?
A: If somebody fucks up, nobody will know who it was.
334-
Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.)
One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation.
All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air.
The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."
Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process.
The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."
Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs.
After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard Pecker, "Jump."
Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."
The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"
"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim, Asshole ."
335-
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
336-
"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I'm playing around with his wife."
337-
The shapely woman was in the
gynaecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"
338-
"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."
339-
A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?"
"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"
340-
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah... just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
341-
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door
neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
342-
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
343-
Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
344-
Margaret went to her new
gynaecologist for her first exam.
The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ... huge vagina!!"
She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. But you didn't have to repeat yourself."
The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"
345-
The doctor took Gail into the room and said,
"Gail, I have some good news and some bad news."
Gail said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name the disease after you."
346-
Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes."
Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday."
Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."
347-
A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."
"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
348-
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"
349-
The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled. "Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you." When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen. Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."
350-
A man is coming around from surgery when a recovery nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery." he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
351-
Jill, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
352-
Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has herpes." "Jeez! What could possibly be good news." "She didn't get it from you."
353-
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear..."
354-
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
355-
A guy goes to see his GP complaining of feeling like a moth.
"It's the psychologist you need to see" explained his GP, "His office is two doors up."
"I know" said the guy "but your light was on".
356-
Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually.
357-
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."
358-
A young lad gets a job in a pharmacy. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here."
The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident.
One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"
359-
"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Steve complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night Steve crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
John opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up... everybody up!"
360-
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
361-
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it true, doctor, the medicine you’ve just prescribed for me must be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued, "Well then, doctor, I’m wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription it says, ‘NO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS’."
362-
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
363-
A guy goes to see his doctor to get his test results.
"Well Mr Jones, I have some good news & some bad news for you. The good news is that you have only 24hrs to live.
"That's good news?" wails Jones, "What the fuck is the bad news?"
The Doctor gives a sheepish grin and says, "I should have told you yesterday!!!"
364-
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
365-
Doctor: Do you remember what your husband's last words were?
Wife: Oh, yes. He said, "I wonder how they can make a profit selling this red salmon at fifteen cents a can?"
366-
The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
367-
The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dianne asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
368-
A friend of mine is a nurse at a Chicago hospital. One evening, when she was on emergency room duty, a young man came waddling into the room assisted by his young wife.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he says. "Could you tell me what the problem is?" replied the woman behind the desk.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he replies.
His wife begins to snicker.
Eventually the doctor comes and gets the story. The couple are newlyweds. It was her birthday. The man decided to surprise her. His plan was to insert a small birthday candle into his erect penis, light it, and walk into the room singing "Happy birthday to you." When he inserted the little candle, he coughed, and the candle was pulled out of sight. The efforts of his panic only caused the candle to go down further.
The doctor had to sedate him with Valium and recruit several of the ER staff to assist in extracting the candle.
As the young woman assisted her wobbly husband out to the car, the hysterical laughter from the ER could be heard for blocks.
369-
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
370-
A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here
quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass. The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass
until I get over there".
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese. the doctor
said, "what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese". The man said, "I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!
371-
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.
The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it This is her third and the first two went really easily."
The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
372-
Things overheard at the STD clinic
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
"My pee smells like ham."
373-
One day on the psychiatric ward
A nurse walks into a patient's room and sees him pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him: "Charlie - what are you doing?" Charlie replies: "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks: "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says: "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." That's great," replied the nurse: "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Startled but smiling, she asks: 'Ed - what do you think you're doing?" To which Ed replies: "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".
374-
A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus, doc," the man exclaimed, "what the hell happened? Where am I?"
The doctor replied, "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."
"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this..." "Now, son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a bionic arm. It only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks? I'm better off dead."
"Hang on, now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."
The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"
"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."
Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the restroom. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy took a leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake.
"Hey," said the guy, "that feels pretty good... jerk it off."
375-
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and legged it.
The next evening, the man was at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate-chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off once more. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the