Animals 3
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Little Known Feline Ailments
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioural quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such
manoeuvres, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such
greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
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A travelling salesman was passing through a small outback town when he decided to rest for the night. On the outskirts, he stopped by a farmer's house to see if he could get a room for the night. The farmer agreed to let the stranger stay but warned him to keep away from his young daughter.
The salesman agreed but to make sure he kept his word, the farmer quietly placed three fresh eggs above his daughter's bedroom door.
If the eggs fell and broke, then the farmer would know the salesman had indulged in hanky-panky with her. Temptation got the best of the salesman and he snuck into the young girl's room and did his deed. Of course he broke all the eggs, so he and the girl spent the rest of the night cleaning up the mess, gluing the shells back together, then placing them back on the top of the door. The farmer got up the next morning and checked his daughter's room. All three eggs appeared to be in place.
He felt good about his daughter and the salesman and decided to fix them breakfast with the eggs he'd used. He cracked the first one. Nothing inside. It's the same with the second and third eggs.
The farmer thought, "I'm no dummy!"
He angrily stormed out of the house, stood on his porch and screamed, "OK, I wanna know the truth! Which one of you roosters is wearing a condom?!"
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the
driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."
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Cat Quotes
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." –Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." – Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your
Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
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A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the
jewellery, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Can you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.
"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."
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Canine Mind Games
After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
When your humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage.
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly, but when they try to show it to a friend, stare at them blankly.
When humans take you for a walk, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
When out on a walk in a city, always pick the busiest most visible spot to go--especially if your human has forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide until they think something terrible has happened to you. Then jump out loudly at them.
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walking more and more slowly the closer you get to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside.)
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Crossbred Dogs
Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
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Two male flies are buzzing around looking for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "... but is this stool taken?"
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While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.
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A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."
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Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong ....it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
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A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
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Things I MUST remember as a dog
1. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew on my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am
haemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavoured dental floss out of the bathroom and then have a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is NOT an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually NOT a good thing!
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."
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Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
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Q) Why does a dog lick his ass?
A) Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
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Comparisons of dogs and men
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
How Dogs and Men are alike
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Men are better than Dogs
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man! (If you're a woman that is!)
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If Your Pet Could Talk..
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? FUCK NO!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog "I don't care if you take the jewellery or money, but don't mess with the fridge."
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!"
Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."
Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."
Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."
Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass.
Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."
Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."
Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."
Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"
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How to Clean the Toilet - -
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
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A dog named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a
dog."
173-
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
174-
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to
do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here,
too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
1 Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........ ................Priceless
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There's a guy hitchiking along the highway when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. There sits the driver and beside him is his pet monkey. "Great lookin' monkey, dude", said the hitcher. "Yeah, he's great company and he looks after you too. Check this shit out". Without further ado, the trucker winds up and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the trucker's fly, goes down and gets to work on the trucker's manhood at a vigorous pace. Once the Captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin the monkey wipes him off, zips up his fly and sits back down in his little monkey-seat in the cabin. "That's GREAT!", says the by-now quite interested hitcher. "Can I give it a try?". The trucker looks across and says, "Yeah sure, why not?". "Okay, but just one thing though", says the hitcher. "What's that?", asks the trucker. "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard".
176-
There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in...
She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out. One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this" He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here" she flew over and and begged him to tell her...
He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage."
So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell you."
Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex...only to be told when they were done, "Ha!!
There's no way out of here!!" He flew up and high winged the other male...
Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to get out."
So... she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya. "By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told, "Ha! Dummy
there's no way out of here!"
That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape.... The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!!!
Do you know how she got out????
scroll down
GIMME SOME AND I'LL TELL YA!
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Overheard on Noah's Ark
"Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
"Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
"Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
"OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
"Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
"Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
"No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
"And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
"Nice Doggie!"
And The Number One Thing Overheard On Noah's Ark.....
"Are We There Yet?"
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An Australian man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn."
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It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes metop heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."
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From a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
9:30 am Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favourite!
9:40 am Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favourite!
10:30 am Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favourite!
11:30 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
Noon Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favourite!
1:00 pm Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favourite!
4:00 pm Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favourite!
5:00 pm Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
5:30 pm Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favourite!
6:00 pm Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favourite!
6:30 pm Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My favourite!
8:30 pm Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favourite!
From a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
181-
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in: "OK, follow me!" he said and flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats frenziedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that really big oak tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat: "because I fucking didn't!"
182-
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
183-
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........ How much water did you drink?!"
184-
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that fucker"!
185-
How do you make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight Jersey.
186-
You are putting up shelves.
Dog thinks "Master, I don't know what you are doing but it looks fantastic and I love you!"
Cat thinks "Wanker. He’s not read the instructions, he's using allen keys instead of the self-tapping screws and that hinge is upside down."
187-
This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when all of a sudden around the corner comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section.
Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it thru' the back wall of a large
jewellry store, smashing a massive hole in the wall.
The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening.
The gang are into the jewellers and out again with all the loot, load up the elephant and with all the alarm bells ringing the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket.
Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there stunned.
"OK sir can you tell us exactly what happened here"
"Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right thru' that brick wall"
"Been drinking, have we sir?"
"I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you."
"Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please,"
"I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off, I've never seen anything like it in my life"
"Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
He said "How the fuck do I know, it had a stocking over it's head"
188-
It's 2:00 in the morning and the
travelling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.
"She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 pounds," he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady.
"I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says.
"What do you weigh and how tall are you?"
She replies, "6'2 and 97 pounds."
"Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor."
As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog.
The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"
189-
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.
The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese."
The third cat said still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
190-
Q. What should you do if a elephant comes in your window?
A. Learn to swim.
191-
A friend, after searching for months, found the perfect place to rent in a nice neighbourhood, garden/lawn area, pool tennis etc. His problem was, his dog, as the landlord specified "No
dogs." He decided not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). Everything was fine except for one thing, the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
neighbour below, walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
The guy went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick my friend out, but he being quite persuasive and always punctual with rent checks, convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog on the condition that that he kept his dog out of the garden area.
Months went by with out incident, until his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. and he came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there on the steps was his dog, dead dirty rabbit in mouth.
My friend panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction and even possible jail time, he
desperately decided to take matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its fur and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. thinking the owners would conclude the rabbit died of natural causes, - Nothing happened, nothing was said, so after an excruciating week, my friend finally approached the neighbour one morning on the way to work. and asked, "How's everything?" .
"We're moving" replied the man. "This is a really becoming a sick neighbourhood."
"Why? What happened?" my friend asked.
The neighbour replied, "Some sick, twisted moron dug up my kid's dead rabbit that we buried in the garden last week, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back.
192-
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mummy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am
haemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mum's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
193-
Message to Cats
Dear Cats
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.
Beating me to the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,
meeow, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Feline attendance has never been necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's litter tray. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
194-
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog! ; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.!
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
195-
I read an article recently about someone having tremendous problems bathing a cat. This tickled me, and I am moved to describe an incident in the same vein. Has anyone had to take a cat to the vet? On public transport? I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder which came on during a funeral service. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the vet.
When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this very purpose. I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate." So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned and owned by people with their names tattooed on their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his German helmet caught in his fly.
"Come on, puss, go in" "Meow" "Please... ouch" "Hiss.... snarl" "Get in you fat fucking furry fucker" "Meeoooow... growl..." etc.. etc..
Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom. Then it started.
"meow..." "Meowwwww... " "M E E O OW.... WOOOOOOO.... WOWOWOWO..... MEEEEEEEOOOWW... grrrroowwwll"
The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling, "Old Fritz is at it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off."
But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off. Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest zephyr of cat shit wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as "fit for human consumption".
But if I came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts, "Oh Jesus Fucking Christ" when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling & Pointing competition.
And then came the urine. Yorkshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's tallywhacker, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being. I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV programme. But they are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder. Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal. So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers.
My khaki, summer trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry, clawy anger in a basket. I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my dignity.
When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said, "You could have removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the way here."
The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with, "That bill has got to be paid - it's no good wiping your crotch with it."
196-
A monkey is having a draft in his local tavern. When he's down to the last sip, he spits the beer at the bartender. The monkey apologizes to the bartender: "Please forgive me, you probably think we do this in the jungle all the time. Actually, it's a nervous habit I just can't seem to break it. It is so embarrassing." "You'd better see a psychiatrist," says the bartender. A few weeks later, the monkey comes in the bar again. He sits down and orders a beer. Just as he's about to take the last sip he spits at the bartender. "Hey, I thought you were going to see a psychiatrist!" "I have been," said the monkey. "Well, it's not doing any good." "Yes, it is," said the monkey, "now I'm not embarrassed about it."
197-
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
198-
I want to be a bear......
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!
199-
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all... hawk, lion, and stinker.
200-
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A
LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young; we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me!
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
Which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
201-
A woman had started a new job collecting the sperm from turkeys to use for artificial insemination. One day, as she went up to one turkey, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quiet down! You'll settle for a hand job like the rest!"
202-
Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said,
"Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said,
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said,
"Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said,
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss. This made his mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in.
203-
A rabbit goes into a pub. Asks the barman for a pint of beer and something to eat. The barman tells him that they are serving toasted sandwiches. There's a choice of cheese, cheese and ham or cheese and tomato. The rabbit thinks for a bit and asks for a cheese and tomato one.
Off he goes to have a game of pool then half an hour later he returns to the bar and asks for another pint and another cheese and tomato toastie. The barman says, "Sorry sir, we've run out of tomatoes." So the rabbit orders cheese and ham instead.
Half an hour later it's much the same story. The rabbit, being a rabbit, is hungry again so he goes up to the bars and asks for another cheese and ham toastie. The barman says, "Sorry sir, we've run out of ham." So the rabbit, although he's a bit miffed, orders plain cheese instead.
He hops back to the pool table, takes one bite out of his sandwich, and drops down dead.
Before he knows it, he's standing at the end of a long line of rabbits waiting to get through the Pearly Gates. He asks the rabbits in front of him how they got there. One rabbit says that he was shot by a farmer. The rabbit next to him was run down by a car. "How about you?" they ask our hero. "No idea at all," he says "one minute I was in a bar and the next minute I wake up here! It's a real mystery……"
"Tell you what," says one of the other rabbits, "if you go up to the head of the line St Peter will look in his book and tell you what you died from." So the rabbit hops off to the head of the queue, has a word with St Peter and then hops back again.
"Well?" say his new friends, "Did you find out what you died from?"
The rabbit tuts, rolls his eyes, and says "Mixin' my toasties!"
204-
Dear Master:
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:
It's time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table – actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important? Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
---------- Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed, Hamster Department of Rodent Wheels
----------
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.
And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.
Sincerely, The Dog
205-
This older musician had moderate success in his field, but he was a wonderful music teacher. One day he had an inspiration and decided he could teach white mice to play classical music.
He assembled 16 mice and hand fashioned various instruments for each mouse. He worked hard teaching the mice to play the 1812 Overture. After three years he was ready to expose his symphony orchestra to the world.
He was granted an appointment with a famous talent agency, and appeared at the conference room of the Madison Avenue agency. The mice assembled, picked up their little instruments, and proceeded to play the best 1812 Overture ever heard.
The conductor white mouse took three bows, as did the 1st violinist. The man seeing his life's greatest achievement turned to the head of the talent agency, and said , " What do you think of my orchestra sir ?"
The agency boss said, " They are the greatest act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated, but I can't book them and that's final."
The man , with his heart broken asked, " But why can't you book them ?"
The agency boss said in a whisper...." Because the drummer looks Jewish"
206-
This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?" The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?" "He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions." "How about the second one?" "The second parrot costs $5,000." "What does he know?" "He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs." "Then what is the price for the third one" "This one costs $20,000." "Really?!, wonders the
excited buyer. What does he know?" "This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS.
207-
Ali Salem goes to the used camel dealer. He wants a cheap camel to take him only one trip across the desert.
The dealer says, "I have a good used camel for you. It hasn't done many miles, only had one owner but has a small fault. Because of the fault, I'm willing to let him go cheap!"
"What's the fault?", asks Ali.
"The camel will go for many miles and then stop! The only way to get him to walk again, is to jerk off the camel!"
"That's disgusting!" says Ali.
"Yeah, but he's very cheap...!" adds the dealer.
After some massive internal discussions with himself, Ali thinks "What the hell, its a cheap camel and no one will see me wanking the camel off in the desert"
"OK, I'll take him," says Ali to the dealer. After packing his bags on the camels back, he mounts up and sets off across the desert.
After 50 miles the camel stops. Ali dismounts and tries to persuade the camel to walk. But to no avail.
He then remembers the fault. Gingerly he takes hold of the camel's meat and slowly jerks him off. When the camel comes, Ali mounts up and away they go. Ali thinks, "That wasn't so bad!"
50 miles later, the same thing happens. This time Ali jerks the camel off faster, finishes, wipes his hands and mounts up to continue the trip.
This happens 4 more times, stop, jerk off, continue. Then after a short walk, the camel comes to a sudden stop, Ali gets off and prepares to jerk off the camel. But then the camel shakes his head, pouts his lips and makes sucking sounds.
208-
"Two old ladies go to the zoo and see an angry male elephant with a huge erection. The elephant is rampaging round the enclosure and one of the old ladies says, 'Gracious, d'you think he'll charge?' The other old lady looks at the erection and says, 'Well, yes - I think he'd be entitled to!'
209-
TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are laps.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not throw up in the car.
11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. And, finally, My last question . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
210-
To help prevent another outbreak of Mad Cow Disease we ask you to monitor your cows for any of the following symptoms listed below. If your cow displays any of the following symptoms we suggest you try the chicken tonight.
Your cow insists on wearing a little steak sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, its already got a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow seems to actually enjoy being 'Hogtied'.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells out "Bullseye"!
Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon, like in the nursery rhyme, if it got a really good run at it.
211-
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
212-
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German
Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
213-
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas on my motorcycle and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness... all within seconds.. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential
neighbourhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect...
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close.
I hate to run over animals... and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street... and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe
70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street... on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger...
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car...
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the
neighbourhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
214-
A salesman's car broke down in the country one night. He walked back to the nearest house and asked if he could spend the night. "OK," said the homeowner, "but promise you won't touch my pink gorilla."
"A pink gorilla? Surely not!"
"Would you like to see him?"
"Yes, of course!"
The homeowner went to the middle of the room, moved a small table and the rug under it, and opened a trap door. They went down a stair and found themselves at a large metal door. The owner opened it with a key, saying, "This is the 10-ton door." Soon they were in front of another door, "This is the 20-ton door," said the owner as he opened it. They went on through a 30-ton door, a 40-ton door, and at last a 50-ton door. After that, they were in a room with a metal cage in it, and there indeed was a pink gorilla! It seemed gentle enough, but the owner cautioned again, "Just don't touch him while you're here or there will be hell to pay."
They went back upstairs, through the 50-ton door, the 40-ton door, the 30-ton door, the 20-ton door, the 10-ton door, up the stairs and back into the house. Shortly after that, they went to bed. The salesman couldn't stop thinking about that pink gorilla. "What's wrong with just touching it?" he wondered. Finally, he couldn't stand it and got up, moving the table and rug, and crept down the stairs. He located the key and proceeded through the 10-ton door, 20-ton door, 30-ton door, 40-ton door, and 50-ton door.
The pink gorilla was sound asleep in his cage. The salesman stole up to it and reaching through the bars, gently touched its pink fur. Instantly the gorilla was awake and began to jump up and down and jerk at the bars of the cage! The salesman ran out of the room in terror as the pink gorilla began to break out of its cage. He slammed the 50-ton door and ran through the 40-ton door, hearing the pink gorilla behind him breaking through the 50-ton door! He ran faster and slammed the 30-ton door, again hearing the pink gorilla breaking through the 40-ton door! On and on he ran, each time as he slammed a huge door, hearing the pink gorilla breaking through! He ran up the stairs, out of the house and down the road. He heard heavy breathing behind him and glancing back, saw the pink gorilla gaining on him! He stumbled and fell down and saw the pink gorilla towering over him.
The pink gorilla then leaned down, patted him on the arm, and grunted, "Tag. You're it!"
215-
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
216-
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no...
'Bible... Church!... Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.
Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
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10 Dog Peeves
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! WhooooHoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!!
You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?
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Rules For Cats.
I. DOORS Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS If you have to throw up, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When
throwing up on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
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Teenagers Are Like Cats
** Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
** No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
** You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
** Even if you tell jokes as well as Billy Connolly, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
** No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
** Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
** Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
** Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
** Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
** Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of
behaviour.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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How To Photograph A Puppy
Remove film from box and load camera
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
Choose a suitable background for photo
Mount camera on tripod and focus
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
Put magazines back on coffee table
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess
Fix a drink
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it?
Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
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Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like
this!"
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Doggy Definitions
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your people where you want them to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
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Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.
"I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.
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There are 3 women stranded on an island, with nothing but wild animals...
They all are feeling extremely horny and so one of the women decide that she is going to have sex with an elephant!
After about 20 mins she comes crawling out of the bushes... and says to the two other women, "Oh my god! That - was the - bestest sex I think - I have ever had - in my entire life!" sounding out of breath.
The two other women were amazed and now had an even greater urge to be satisfied. One of the two was so desperate she agreed to have sex with the elephant too!
She made her way into the bushes... a while later she stumbled out of the bushes with her hand on her chest! "You were right" she says to the other women, "that is the best sex - in the world!"
Excited by the news the final women is determined to have sex with the elephant too!
She walks into the bushes... About 3 minutes later, the other two women hear screaming, "She must be having a really good time!" says the one women!
There's a rustle in the bushes and the final women is dragging herself with her arms, her lower body limp... She is covered in blood from head to toe?