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Xmas

1-
December 14th 
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes

December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes

December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,
Agnes

December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag

December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They have never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag

December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it,
Ag

December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th
(From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

2-
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner. 

3-
A CHRISTMAS LIMERICK
It was Christmas Day in the harem
The eunuchs were standing there
Watching the Vestal Virgins combing their pubic hair
When the voice of Father Christmas came echoing through the halls
Saying, ”What would you like for Christmas?”
The eunuchs all answered, “Balls”

4-
Heard on Christmas Day
Talk about huge breasts!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!
If I don't undo my pants I'll burst.
Whew, that's a terrific spread
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you put it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that.
How many are coming?
That's the biggest one I've ever seen.
Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest
How long do I beat it before it's ready?

5-
’Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Fuckin’ slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Over the lamp post, and don’t hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ‘cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.

And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney he came with a crash.

His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some cathouse, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, so I’ll hang for awhile.

He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
Next were some X-rated video clips.

A box full of condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And boxes of goodies I won’t even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
If you don’t mind I’ll leave it all here when I split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.

He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
Let’s go ya varmits, the night’s been a bitch!
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air,

Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
I’m comin’ home, woman! he sang with a smirk,
So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!

6-
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED 
Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Agoraphobia ---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
Senile Dementia ---Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder ---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
Amnesia ---I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

7-
Season's greetings (the PC way)... 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all AND a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilled and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar for 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of your choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our society great (not to imply that our society is necessarily greater than any other society) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting (whichever comes first) and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Happy holidays!

8-
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. 
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly." 
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! What's the shotgun for!?" Santa yells. 
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff." 

9-
A young girl sat on Santa's knee. He said, "What would you like for Christmas, little girl?"
"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.
"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa.... 

10-
A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas. The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.” To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?” “Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mum, I’d like a pony.”

11-
"May I take your Christmas lunch order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, but first I'd like to know how do you prepare your turkeys?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

12-
Inner City Christmas Carols

(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 quid he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

(Then there's my favorite rendition of an old holiday classic...)
'Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.

13-
Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.
Sincerely, Santa 

14-
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty. 
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"
Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
"It's a doll." replied my brother.
"Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"
"Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless. 
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure. 
Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...

15-
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
December 1 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
*
December 2nd 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
*
December 3rd 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
*
December 7th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
*
December 9th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." 
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
*
December 10th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
*
December 14th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays! 
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

16-
North Pole Annual Report
Seasons Greetings!
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work MP’s. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed MP’s this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the bar association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Merry Christmas

17-
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"

18-
The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

19-
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

20-
I bought my Mother a wooden leg for Christmas.
It’s not her main present. Just a stocking filler.

21-
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!" 
Father Christmas promises him that :-
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress

22-
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. 

23-
It was 2 days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there." (pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

24-
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the stock market collapse and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."
"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."
"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"

25-
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". 
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." 
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." 
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." 
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. 
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!" 

26-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store just before Christmas, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" 
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 

27-
Santa's Pick Up Lines 
* I know when you`ve been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk, sister! 
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 
* Some of my best toys run on batteries... 
* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you? 
* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list! 
* Wanna join the "Mile High" club? 
* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you! 

28-
Remember that a dog is not just for Christmas
If you carve them very thinly they’ll last well into January.

29-
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said: "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said: "They're bells" . Saint Peter said: You may pass through the pearly gates." 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: "And just what do those symbolise?" 
The man replied: "They're Carol's".

30-
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. 
"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. 
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." 
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" 
"Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents," Jimmy replied. 
"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" 
Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" 
Surprised, Ms. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing." 
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

31-
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

32-
Things To Do During the Christmas Holidays
1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of the neighbour's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer jerky and Easter Bunny fillets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the street muttering, "Oh the humanity"
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you're sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says "Carollers Welcome." When they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbour's lights so they no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbour's decorations.

33-
Is There A Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

34-
Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

35-
What would have happened if it had been the three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men ?
They would have asked directions ...
arrived on time …
helped deliver the baby …
cleaned the stable …
brought practical gifts …
and made a casserole 
But what would they have said as they left...?
As they left, they would have said……..
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
Want to bet on how long it will take before you get your casserole dish back?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school !"

36-

37-
Do they know it's Christmas?
No, because
a) They aren't Christian
b) Their calendar is different
c) They don't speak English
d) They don't have access to a record shop, in order to purchase Band Aid
e) They're more bothered about eating than celebrating Jesus' birth.

38-
Now the season to be jolly is looming, I thought it appropriate to share one of life's little secrets with you:
Christmas Fruitcake Recipe: 
1 cup water 
1 cup sugar 
4 large eggs 
2 cups dried fruit 
1 teaspoon baking soda 
1 teaspoon salt 
1 pack of butter 
1 cup brown sugar 
lemon juice 
nuts (to taste) 
1 gallon whiskey 

Method:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsiticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the bloody hell likes fruitcake anyway? Sleep tight!

If, for any reason you are unsatisfied with the results, please allow at least a week before attempting to repeat this recipe. Warn your GP, or call an ambulance beforehand if at all possible. Whatever happens, it's your own fault! Litigation would be unsuccessful! If you feel the need for happiness after more than two failed attempts, you could always re-cycle the empties. That should make you feel good about yourself. Or, perhaps not. Sweet dreams!

39-
The Night Before Christmas
(Texas Style)

'Twas the night before Christmas
In Texas, you know,
Way out on the prairie,
Without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin
Were Buddy and Sue,
A'dreamin' of Christmas,
Like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots
At the foot of their bed,
For this was in Texas,
What more need be said.

When all of a sudden
From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus
It gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie
Like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard
Come out at a run.

The driver was geein'
And hawin' with will,
And horses, not reindeer,
He drove with such skill.

C'mon, Buck and Poncho,
And Prince to the right,
There'll be plenty travelin'
For y'all tonight.

The driver, in Levis
And a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson
On top of his head.

As he stepped from his buckboard
He was really a sight,
A beard and a moustache
So curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin,
The children awoke,
And were both so astonished
That neither one spoke.

He filled up their boots
With such presents galore
That neither could think
Of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered
The use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper,
'Are you Santa Claus?'

'Am I the real Santa?
Well, what do you think?'
And he smiled as he gave
A mysterious wink.

Then he leapt in the buckboard
And said in his drawl,
'To the children of Texas,
Merry Christmas, y'all!'

40-
The Japanese retail trade first tried to do Christmas in the 60's. A department store noticed that sales in the West went up in December because of a phenomenon called 'Chriss-u-mass' and decided that it was worth looking into. They got a couple of bright young things to research it so that they could get a display ready for the big opening of a new store. They even asked a western diplomat to come and do the ribbon cutting. When the moment arrived he cut the cable and pulled down the curtain to reveal a thirty foot high statue of Santa Claus, nailed to a cross.

41-
No Nativity Scene In Washington D. C This Year 
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.
This isn't for any religious constitutional reason.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

42-
'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber), I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

43-
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere... even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

44-
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. 
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!.
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace 
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, 
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. 
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for 
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when 
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of 
Scotch.
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, 
Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, 
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, 
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, 
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
********************************************************
Dearest Santa, 
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, 
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
********************************************************

45-
'Twas the night before Christmas 
And all through the house 
Not a creature was stirring, 
Not even a mouse. 
'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him 
And tore him apart - 
Ate his mouse intestines 
And chewed up his heart. 
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, 
Which made him take pause - 
He stopped daintily licking 
The blood from his claws. 
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty 
(That quite clever cat) 
'Cuz nobody else climbs down 
The chimney like that. 
Indeed it was ol' Santa 
So jolly and fat 
With a huge load of presents 
And all for the cat! 
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!" 
Kitty thought with a purr, 
Then he coughed up a hairball 
And shed some more fur! 

46-
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G. I. Joe." 
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." 
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G. I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

47-
Dorothy & Dana, two blondes, ventured into the woods to bring home a Christmas tree. They were determined not to leave until they found the right tree. They walked for hours in the snow, examining every tree they found. 
As the afternoon turned into evening, the temperature dropped ten degrees and the wind began to blow. Still no tree. 
Finally, Dana piped up: "Listen Dorothy, I really think we'd better take the next tree we see, whether it has lights and decorations on it or not!" 

48-
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone felt shitty even the mouse.
Dads at the whore house, Mom's smoking grass and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter. I sprang from my piece, to see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney, like a bat out of Hell. I knew right away that fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart. That son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cussed as he flew out of sight, "Piss on you all and have one hell of a night!"

49-
December 8 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! 
December 9 Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the 1st time in year & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplough came along &I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. 
December 12 Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again. 
December 14 Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shovelling. This is the life! Later the snowplough came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much. 
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra shovelled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska... 
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt like hell. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.) 
December 17 Too damn cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.) 
December 20 Power's back on and had another 14" of the damn stuff. Shovelled all day. Snowplough came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbour says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying.) 
December 22 White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbour who has snow plough on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)
December 23 Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.) 
December 24 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get snow plough driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sign carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snow plough. 
December 25 Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplough driver cam by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever more here? It was all HER idea & she's getting on my nerves. 
December 27 Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze. 
December 28 Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in & the witch is making me crazy!!!!!! 
December 29 Another 10" & neighbour says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? 
December 30 Roof caved in. Snow plough driver is suing me and the wife went home to her mother. Another 9" in forecast. 
December 31 Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shovelling. 
January 8 I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

50-
Merry Christmas!!! 
You think you got it bad All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near got killed by a 747. 
Mrs. Clause pissed off, I got in too late. And that isn't all Donner and Blitzen And Rudolf got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleighs unless I pay them double time. I am so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit The only high ball I had all night is when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.
My prostate is giving me hell, pissed myself pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat.
Allergic to pine needles, I itch all over. I think my haemorrhoids are back.
Merry Christmas, Your Ass!

51-
Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?
Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs.

52-
Night Before A Redneck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young 'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!" 

53-
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely, Johnny

Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks... well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

54-
Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like 
10. Hey! There's a gift.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.

55-
Holiday Eating Tips 
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 
4. As for mashed potatoes, alwa ys ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple.! Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince meat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. 

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Happy Holidays!

56-
Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas] [Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little...... [boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated] [embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always] [often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma] [grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants] this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vise]. For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister], please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my...... [doggy] [hamster] [ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater] [kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non- surgical sterilization]. Oh ­ and for my...... [baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] ­ plus backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don't forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony] [Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000] [$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love], [Sincerely], [Yours], [Breathlessly], [ insert name here ]
PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to...... [Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].
PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted] [homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile] [vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don't forget to put...... [coal] [sticks] [homework] [dog shit] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks!

57-
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. 
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. 
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" 
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." 
"And why did you take him?" 
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it. 

58-
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. 
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. 
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. 
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year, 
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? 
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. 
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. 
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. 
And just when I thought that things would get better 
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, 
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny 
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits 
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits 
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds 
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads 
I made a ton of yo yo's--
No request for them, They want computers and robots...
They think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees 
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees 
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment 
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, 
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

59
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

60-
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

61-
Dear All,
In my living room I have a TV, Stereo, DVD and VCR and it's a total pain having four remote control devices.
So I picked up this little beauty in Dixon's and it does the trick perfectly!
Don't all rush down to Dixon's, because they have now sold out. 
Ask Father Christmas to bring you one of your own.

62-
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So dancer and donner, comet and cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such a commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him.  And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim.  Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales, while not forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

63-
I have been watching you very closely to see if you've behaved this year and since you have I will be telling my elves, if I can find them, to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas if I can get there 
- I intended to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we having a bit of a problem with that plan as the 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD apparently from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing. 
- And we just discovered while we were distracted attending to the fiddlers and their no longer dancing ladies. the damn 11 lords leaping were instead stealthily tip-toeing around and have now knocked up the 8 maids a-milking. 
- And I just got off the phone with the police department, who asked me if I'd care to come down and make bail for the 9 pipers piping who were arrested in the park for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming in broad daylight. 
- The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up in deep bird doo doo up to the top of my boots and I doubt I can get my sled runners movin' out of all that frozen bird shit. 
- On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause and refuses to make me any cookies or let me anywhere near her milk jugs. 
- To top it off, 8 of my reindeer are in heat and have somehow gotten completely entangled in the harnesses and reins attempting some arctic orgy last night and it's going to take forever to free them. 
- The crazy elves have joined the gay liberation army in England that was started by some retired dwarfs that had been used for bowling balls in the pubs a few times too often and have been left with diminished sexual abilities, so they practice oral sex ... they talk about it 
- And some nuts, people who obviously can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. 
- Maybe next year I'll be able to get my act together and bring you some of the things you want. This year I suggest you get your ass down to Toys R Us before everything is gone. 
- Love, Santana ( Crazy ) Claus

64-
Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

65-
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from shit town."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Fat ASS!"

66-
Christmas Arkansas Style
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the shack,
not a thing was a movin',
from the front to the back,
 
The kids were in bed,
I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers,
was lookin' real fine.
 
A cold wind was blowin',
up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch
howled and groaned.
 
The boys were all dreamin'
of weapons and guns,
for killin' God's creatures,
there's no better fun.
 
The girls in their feminine
dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons
of Wal-Mart perfume.
 
The wife wanted jewellery,
like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy,
down off the blocks.
 
Then in the yard,
such a noise did commence,
like something was caught,
in the barb-wire fence.
 
I ran to the window,
and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' the racket,
was Good Ol' St. Nick.
 
You may think of Santa,
in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
 
That old boy's an Arkie,
our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin,
and they live in a trailer.
 
On Christmas, of course,
a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up,
to a razorback pig.
 
He climbed on the roof,
with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
all dirty and sooty.
 
Fat legs in his britches,
chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back,
he looked like Bill Clinton.
 
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy,
from his head to his toe.
 
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Light Beer",
there was no red hat,
his cap read, "John Deere".
 
He left all the presents,
with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
and into the night.
 
He ran into the yard,
and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
to get out of the way.
 
And I heard him exclaim,
as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all ...A "bud lite"  

67-
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

68-
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike. "Nice bike" the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

69-
For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. 
Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.

70-
One year at Christmas my mum went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mum decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mum took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. 
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. 
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. 
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! By the way my sister is a blonde.

71-
Fill the House
(sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Fill the house with jubilation!
fa la la la la la la la la
Billy Bob is on probation
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ellie slept with brother Chester!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now she's in her 3rd trimester
Fa la la la la la la la la
Give a cheer--we're all together
Fa la la la la la la la la
Claire is into whips and leather
Fa la la la la la la la la
Roy has formed his own militia
Fa la la la la la la la la
Clem's a pimp for cousin Trisha
Fa la la la la la la la la
gather round and give a blessing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Uncle Fred is still cross-dressing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Jeff is on the floor with Donna
Fa la la la la la la la la
Stoned on home-grown marijuana
Fa la la la la la la la la
Join our Christmas celebration--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Make our house your destination--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Every year's a real hum-dinger--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Catch us soon on Jerry Springer
Fa la la la la la la la la

72-
Leaked memo:
The President has authorized the Department of Defence to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas. Status of acquisitions follows:
Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.
Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.
Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.
Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.
Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.
Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.
Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.
Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.
Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.
Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.
Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.
Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.
As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

73-
Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOULD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2002 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly, Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.
Real sincerely,
Ken

74-
RESTRUCTURING AT THE NORTH POLE
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.
I am pleased to announce to you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load", was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under extreme stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" division:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The French hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French... or at least French food.
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an upcoming oversupply of unemployed Congressmen.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a sample case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the right number.

75-
An engineer's view of Santa....
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and crea