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Work

1-
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says, "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy says, "Yes, in Vietnam I blew my testicles off."
"Great!" responds the interviewer, "we give disabled Vet's preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asks the guy.
"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

2-
Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

3-
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. 
The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking. So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off." "I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, flavoured ones, every variety imaginable. "Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute. "So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer." "No fear. I'm a happily married man." "So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?" "It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"

4-
Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations - Part 2
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

5-
In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. 
And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." 
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens. 

6-
Career Choice
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Media Studies degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 

7-
The key to a successful sales career is sincerity. Once you’ve learned to fake that the rest is easy.

8-
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"

9-
Carlos calls his boss in the morning: 
Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache my legs hurt I not come work. 
The boss says: 
You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that. 
2 hours later Carlos calls: 
Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon... 
And by the way, you got nice house.

10-
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

11-
"Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when she goes to get one out you'll get a great view of her arse."

12-
The worst Typo in the world 
This is a genuine e-mail from the main receptionist from Sun Microsystems, and went out to all corporate employees. 
To: All Corporate Employees 
Subject: Copier! 
Date: Thursday, July 24, 1999 12:48pm 
PLEASE PLEASE please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days to remove paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.

13-
It's time to find a new Job when ...
You wake up hung over. 
You have a black eye and barked knuckles. 
Your underwear is missing. 
You're in jail. 
Last night was the company Christmas party.

14-
HOW TO MESS UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

15-
POLITICALLY CORRECT & NON POLITICALLY CORRECT LANGUAGE FOR THE OFFICE
PC: Perhaps I can work late.
NON PC: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
PC: I’m certain that it’s not feasible.
NON PC: No fucking way.
PC: Really?
NON PC: You’ve got to be shitting me.
PC: Perhaps you should check with....
NON PC: Tell someone who gives a shit.
PC: Of course I’m concerned
NON PC: Ask me if I give a shit.
PC: I wasn’t involved in that project.
NON PC: Its not my fucking problem.
PC: That’s interesting behavior.
NON PC: What the fuck?!?!
PC: I’m not sure I can implement this.
NON PC: Fuck it, it won’t work.
PC: I’ll try to schedule that.
NON PC: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
PC: Are you sure this is a problem?
NON PC: Who the fuck cares?
PC: He’s not familiar with the problem.
NON PC: He’s got his head up his ass.
PC: Excuse me sir?
NON PC: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
PC: So you weren’t happy with it?
NON PC: Kiss my ass.
PC: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
NON PC: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
PC: I don’t think you understand.
NON PC: Shove it up your ass.
PC: I love a challenge.
NON PC: This job sucks.
PC: You want me to take care of that?
NON PC: Who the hell died and made you boss
PC: I see.
NON PC: Fuck me.
PC: Yes, we really should discuss it.
NON PC: Another fucking meeting!!!!
PC: I don’t think this will be a problem.
NON PC: I really don’t give a shit.
PC: He’s somewhat insensitive.
NON PC: He’s a fucking prick.
PC: She’s an aggressive go getter.
NON PC: She’s a ball busting bitch.
PC: I think you could use more training.
NON PC: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

16-
A man telephones his office and says, “Sorry, I can’t come into work today, I’m sick.”
“How sick are you?” asks his boss.
“Well,” he replies, “I’m in bed with my sister and her dog.”

17-
Company Policy 
Start with a cage containing five apes In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. 
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -all the apes are sprayed with cold water. 
Turn off the cold water. 
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. 
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. 
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. 
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. 
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they weren't permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. 
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. 
Why not? 
"Because that's the way it's always been around here." 
And that's how company policy begins. 

18-
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

19-
10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favour nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.
CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it!

20-
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 

21-
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. 

22-
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

23-
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. Just don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. 
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. 
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" 

24-
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." 

25-
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow... 

26-
Harry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"
Harry says, "I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand quid"
A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?"
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date."
The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she's giving me the best blowjob I ever had."
One of his co-workers says, "Man, are you frigging lucky."
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it...and I won another ten grand." 

27-
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......" 

28-
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. 
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. 
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

29-
These quotes are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. Note: all typos, etc... are intended.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge.
17. I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital Status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

30-
A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with. 
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan. 
“Well then do I get the job?” “No, you piss about too much!!” 

31-
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

32-
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

33-
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life = 100%?
If...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as :
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then, H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there, but Bullshit will put you over the top.
But just look how far A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% will take you!

34-
HOW TO MESS UP AN INTERVIEW - PART 2
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
Employers were asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress up for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

35-
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

36-
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

37-
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. 
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy. 

38-
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. 
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn in three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!! 
The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT. 
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud. 
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic. 
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory. 
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home. 
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter. 
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap? 
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it. 
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there. 
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. 
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex. 
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder. 
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

39-
Customer Service Idiots
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." 
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven:
Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland."

Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please."
Operator: "Where are you calling from?"
Caller: "The living room."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

The Bank
Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please."
Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?"
Caller: "Three years, please."
Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?"
Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"

40-
Control Tower exchanges The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty-do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at taxiway able at the end of the runway. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: 
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

41-
Genius of the week award, awarded weekly on a week by week basis. 
Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind. 
All was fine, til they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software... They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, who.ever@scunthorpe.gov.uk contained the word 'cunt!' 
Marvellous!!! 

42-
Business banners 
Over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we help you pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a exhaust repair shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

43-
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL? 
This quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
The questions are not at all difficult. 
Q: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 
A: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 
Q: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
A: Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. WRONG!
Correct Answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Q: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
Q: There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. 
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. Mind you, look what happened to Andersen.

44-
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologys
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.

45-
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter...(An actual (allegedly) letter sent by a fed up US employee in Port Huncliff, New England - names obscured to protect the moron, oops, I mean 'innocent')
Mr. Bxxxxx,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new Mac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.
1.. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2.. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3.. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never screw with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely, TB 

46-
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Monotone voices burbling on and on like a creek for hours on end, forcing you to look for the nearest sharp object or length of wire to end it all. Here's a way to change all of that... 
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks. 
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy	strategic fit	core competencies	best practice	bottom line
take that off-line	24/7	out of the loop	benchmark	revisit
value-added	proactive	win-win	think outside the box	fast track
result-driven	empower	knowledge base	solution	touch base
mindset	client focus	paradigm	game plan	leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

47-
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

48-
Ancient wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in our organization we often try many other strategies, including the following:
1) Changing riders
2) Buying a stronger whip
3) Falling back on: 'This is the way we've always ridden'
4) Appointing a committee to study the horse
5) Arranging a visit to other sites to see how they ride dead horses
6) Increasing the standards for riding dead horses
7) Appointing a group to revive the dead horse
8) Creating a training session to improve riding skills
9) Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment
10) Changing the requirements so that the horse no longer meets the standard of dead
11) Hiring an external consultant to show how a dead horse can be ridden
12) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed
13) Increasing funding to improve the horse's performance
14) Declaring that no horse is too dead to beat
15) Doing a study to see if outsourcing will reduce the cost of riding a dead horse
16) Buying a computer program to enhance dead horse performance
17) Declaring a dead horse less costly than a live one
18) Forming a workgroup to find uses for dead horses
19) Changing performance requirements for the horse
20) Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

49-
HOW THE SOFTWARE INDUSTRY WORKS
Programmer to Team Leader:
"We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects."
Team Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more time than usual to complete it."
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our cap- abilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."
CEO to Client:
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most com petent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame." 

50-
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. 
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. 
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. 
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. 
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. 
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. 
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. 
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. 
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

51-
An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept....
Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. 

52-
Resumé Bloopers
QUALIFICATIONS:
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."
EXPERIENCE:
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
EDUCATION:
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
SPECIAL SKILLS:
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." 
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."
REFERENCES:
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

53-
If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

54-
Below are the typical areas of a resumé and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus. 
THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resumé unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IT position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PhD's. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at FoodGiant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system". "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.
THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."

55-
The Washington Post held a contest in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work...
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I prefer to remain an enigma.

56-
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a ward
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

57-
Stages of an Employee
Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life is great!
Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on occasion. Life is pretty good.
Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small promotion. Life is good.
Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.
Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is stressful.
Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day. Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off. Life is hell.
Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the day. Has five times as many business outfits as friends. Home life starts to break down. Life is stressful.
Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords. Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client. Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets, unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life is OK.
Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings. Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf with other upper managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public transportation. Life is good.
Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't we have market penetration in Liberia?" 

58-
One summer, an old professor got a job on the railway as a steward. On his first day, he was accompanied by another steward to learn the ropes. "The job is really quite simple," said his tutor, "just remember to use diplomacy."
"What to you mean by diplomacy?" asked the professor, since that was something he'd never needed while teaching.
The steward-in-charge replied, "Watch me and I'll show you."
They proceeded down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with their keys and offering tea or coffee. When the steward- in-charge flung open one door, before him stood a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid, he calmly asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
The startled woman took a cup of coffee and he closed the door.
"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She didn't have a stitch of clothing on! But, why did you call her 'sir'?"
"That's diplomacy!" explained his tutor. "I didn't want to embarrass her."
The old professor was very impressed with his teacher.
The following day, working on his own, the old professor flung open a compartment door and found a couple making love on the bed.
Remaining calm, he asked, "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

59-
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

60-
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the centre ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

61-
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

62-
The British Aviation Authority used to test the strength of windshields on planes using a device that could fire out dead chickens at extremely high speed.
The device was pointed at the aircraft's windshield and if the chicken didn't break it, it was assumed that the windshield would survive the impacts of actual collisions with birds when in flight.
British Rail had recently designed a new locomotive and was testing various designs of windshields, so they borrowed the device from the BAA. 
Adjusting it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, they loaded a dead chicken and fired it at the first windshield design.
The chicken went straight through the windshield, broke several components and left a huge dent in the compartment door. Surprised by the result, they asked a BAA official if they had done the test correctly.
An engineer checked everything and suggested that for their next test they defrost the chicken.

63-
I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. 
The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position. 
The second hint was a little more tragic... As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

64-
NEW WORDS FOR THE 2003 EDITION OF THE NEW OFFICE DICTIONARY
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folk

65-
Things not to say in a job interview
1, Piece of piss - any loser could do this job 
2, Do I get promoted when you die? 
3, I'm not a violent man, I just don't like being ordered about 
4, Twenty years in an abattoir, two in prison 
5, Well they say GBH, but that's exaggerated 
6, Two sugars love, and get your boss on the way out, there’s a good girl. 
7, Where can I have a puff on the quiet 
8, Strengths? drinking and shagging, heh heh. 
9, Weaknesses? lager and birds, ho ho 
10, I don't mind jews Mr Goldberg, but pakis, niggers, dagos, chinks - they're just not the same, are they? 
11, Daddy says, if I work hard I can have your job 
12, Overtime, man. Babylon 
13, Can you blag the petty cash? 
14, So what does BBC actually stand for? 
15, Theres not a spare room for my mum is there? she's all alone? 
16, You won’t actually contact these references will you? Only they're right twats 
17, Like the suit. Millets? 
18, How does this job relate to baby Jesus? 
19, Sorry, I missed that. The voices are particularly loud today 
20, That sum is per week, I take it? 
21, Who put that £50 on the table? 
22, Where's my rottweiler going to go? 
23, Christ, those kids are ugly 
24, What happens if I cant actually do the job if I get it? 
25, If this doesn’t work out, can I take you out to dinner sometime? 
26, Will the company pay for my methadone? 
27, What's the longest sickie I can take then, before they start asking questions? 
28, I've got a load of Nike gear in the back of my car if you're interested 
29, It wasn’t sexual harrasment, she was gagging for it 
30, Get me a car, a top bird to take letters, and we're talking 
31, Can I keep signing on? split it 50/50? 
32, You don’t get the cops in if someone gets caught for drugs do you? 
33, That fit bird with the tits is giving me the eye, she’s not the director is she? 
34, Have I got the job or what? because I hate being fucked about 
35, Don't worry, I haven’t given the last company car back yet 
36, You look rough, you out last night? 
37, Just seat me away from those two fat blokes 
38, Oh no... I’ve pissed myself again 
39, Hold on, I think I’ve shagged her 
40, I’ve seen you about, I thought you were a gyppo! 
41, I’ll suck you off, I’ll do anything 
42, Have you dropped one, or is it me? 
43, Experience? well there was this couple of lesbians right... 
44, What's your healthcare policy, only my piles are raging 
45, I had a good job once 
46, From the outside, this whole company's in a right state 
47, Look at that for a coke bogey, it’s like a cornflake 
48, Alright then, I’ll do it for nothing 
49, Just pay it straight to the krishnas 

66-
The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails or safety straps." 
"As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn!!"

67-
NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sicknote as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance:
All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both worker’s supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
The Management

68-
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." 

69-
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. 
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. 
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." 
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. 
"Well, did your son become a fireman?" 
"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."

70-
A railway worker is lying on the floor in Euston station clutching his guts. He’s rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I’ll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What’s wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another 10 minutes.”

71-
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

72-
TECHNICAL TERMS
Technical talk is often difficult to understand by people not initiated in the technical arts. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by technicians, and an explanation of what they actually mean

STUFFED ...
A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.

FUCKED ...
Terminally stuffed.

FUCK ME DEAD ...
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

FUCK IT ALL ...
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.

FUCKING BLOODY FUCK ...
An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench. 

HOLY BLOODY SHIT ...
The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

SHIT, FUCK, SHIT ...
The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machine's operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

HOW THE FUCK .... ?
Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.

BLOODY FUCK ...
Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ...
This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

BUGGER BLOODY FUCK ...
You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it. NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

FUCKING DAMN SHIT ...
I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

FUCKING BLOODY DAMN ...
A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

HOLY BLOODY FUCK ...
My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.

BUGGER, FUCK, DAMN ...
An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the £1800 parts content of the job.

73-
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

74-
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" 
"Thanks," said the employee. 
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" 
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad." 

75-
In the beginning was the word ... and the word was;
'OOPS!'
... followed closely by;
'BUGGER.'
... followed a short while later by the term;
'OH, SOD IT.'

76-
Letter of Apology
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today, and as this is my last day on the job, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you, Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed, it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants; it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. (By the way, the nude Polaroids I took of you when I found you passed out in the ladies room, are available for only $500 cash. Each.)
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in the punchbowl was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to attend the company picnic this summer.

77-
FAT CATS THREATENED BY LAUNCH OF "EASYBOSS"
The flamboyant entrepreneur Stelios Haji-Ioannou has created a new business which he claims will finally put an end to the scandal of fat cat pay.
The company, called 'easyBoss', will hire out chief executives to companies for a flat annual fee, competitively priced so as to appeal to Britain's increasingly thrifty shareholders. Speaking at the launch of the new enterprise yesterday, Stelios explained that he wanted to challenge the myth that companies could not recruit decent managers for less than £100K per year. "Here at easyBoss, we can let you have an executive for £99K ...or £90K if you book online." The move was immediately slammed by the CBI. Chairman, Digby Jones, told us "This goes completely against market forces.
In today's competitive economy, you have to be prepared to pay people what they're worth ...unless of course they're manual workers in which case you can sack the lot of them and move your factory to China."
A spokesman for the Institute of Directors was equally dismissive. "Where the hell are they going to find chaps prepared to work for less than £99K? That's barely enough to buy lunch, particularly if one's drinking a half-decent wine. Frankly, I think this Stelios fellow's a bit out of touch with the way most people live." According to Stelios, the secret to recruiting talent is to avoid it altogether. By employing 'complete dunderheads', easyBoss aims to keep overheads low so that it can pass on its savings to the customer. "All companies are doing badly at the moment, so what difference is it going to make if you've got a complete idiot at the top? Obviously for safety reasons we have to ensure that they have some basic skills so that's where the training comes in".
All recruits to easyBoss undergo an intensive 10 week training programme to prepare them for the rigours of the modern boardroom. The syllabus starts with the core skills of embezzlement and fraud, together with a role-playing session in which they have to blame all their mistakes on their predecessor. In addition to these 'traditional' subjects, the course also covers more modern topics such the basics of dismantling pension funds, how to waste millions on changing the company name and how to sack an entire workforce by text message.
Despite his critics, Stelios feels confident that easyBoss will succeed, and claims that he's already received promising enquiries from HSBC, GlaxoSmithKline and Tesco.

78-
John got busted the other day at work. His boss came over to him and said "John, you've been looking at porn sites on your computer again haven't you?"
Shocked, John said "What the heck gives you that idea?"
"Well," he said, "the lick marks on your screen for one, and your shorts around your ankles don't help you much either."

79-
The manager was in a bit of a quandary. He had to fire one of his employees strictly for financial reasons and was having a tough time deciding who it would be. Finally he had it narrowed down to either Debra or Jack, since they both had spouses in good positions and they would have the least trouble of all the employees financially. Instead of a coin toss, he decided that the first one to go to the water cooler would be the one who got the axe. Debra came in early that morning with a huge hangover from partying all night and getting no sleep, and naturally she goes straight to the water cooler to rehydrate. The manager sighs and goes over to her. "Debra" he says, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". Debra looks at him and says "Well, could you Jack off? I've got a terrible headache".

80-
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. 
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. 
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

81-
A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference. 
One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." 
Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out. 
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. 
"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" 
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?" 

82-
A large consultancy company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his time and motion consultants. 
The next morning, the president asked the consultant how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows: 
MEMORANDUM 
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and th