Sports
1-
Three guys were playing golf with a young lady who loved the game but wasn't very skilled. Somehow she managed to get on the green on one of the par 3s and was really excited as she looked over her 25-foot putt.
"I've never had a birdie in my life," she explained. "I'll give a blow job to the guy that can help me sink this putt."
The first guy tells her, "Play it about two feet left of the hole because it will break toward the right at the end".
The second golfer disagreed saying "Hit it firm and take the break out of it."
The third golfer looked at the 25-footer and said, "It's a gimme!"
2-
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"
3-
Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him.
He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.
The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.
Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !? Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.
On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?",
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
4-
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything cost one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees; Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00 Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
5-
This guy has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets closer and closer, he sees that it is not a boat, or even a small raft.... suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord!, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
6-
A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife
asks, "What took you so long?" He replies, "Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel
says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"
7-
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun
thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life." A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a fifty pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!" The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
8-
A man, while playing the front nine on a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
9-
My, my, how time have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
10-
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
11-
A man and his wife were both avid golfers. As fate would have it, they both died at the same time, and arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Pete showed them around, and when they came to the GOLF COURSE, they were overwhelmed. It was GORGEOUS! THE WORKS, Fabulous GREENS, great CLUBHOUSE, the most magnificent set of clubs in history for each of them, in short, a golfers dream! As they teed off on the first hole, the guy looked at the wife, and said: "If it wasn't for your fucking oat-bran, we could have been here years ago."
12-
Kevin Keegan was getting worried that all his players were rubbish, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for some advice. Alex Ferguson explained that he got all the United players to dribble round traffic cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Kevin try this. Two weeks later, Fergie rang back to see how the they were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Keegan sounded quite annoyed. "Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Alex.
"Flaming traffic cones beat us 3-0" muttered Keegan
13-
Rugby World Cup 99
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. They will have no support as the pubs are open and they have to work.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a hollywood blockbuster called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
14-
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one.
"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?
"The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
15-
A man starts his confession by telling the priest he has sinned by cursing the Lord and taking his name in vain.
The priest, who is Irish, asks, "And tell me my son, What were the grievous and calamitous circumstances that caused you to curse God and use his name in vain?"
The sinner says, "Well, father, I was playing golf, and I was finishing the best round ever, when on the 18th tee my drive slices into the rough."
"And surely, after playing such a magnificent round, that is what caused you to curse God."
"No father, I lucked out and the ball landed on a bare spot. I took my 6 iron and swung and hit the ball
well, it landed on the lip of the green and rolled into a sand trap below the green.
"And surely, my son, after escaping danger and making a wonderful second shot only to have the ball roll back into a trap is what caused you take the Lord's name in vain."
"No father, I took my sand wedge and I dug my feet in and I swung and sand and ball went into the air and the ball headed straight for the pin and hit the pole and bounced 2 feet from the hole."
The priest asked, "Is this hole a par 4?"
"yes, father", he says
"And you're hitting your 4th shot 2 feet from the hole?"
"Yes, Father"
"Jesus Christ, man, did you miss the god-dammed putt?"
16-
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off
and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under
par, and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,
even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th
hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."
The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I
double-bogied!"
17-
Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appalling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.
"That was awful today," said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass.
"Yeah, it was the worst I've ever played," replied the second.
"I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course."
The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.
"Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities."
"Great," exclaimed the first man.
"Well," continued the second man, "I'll find out, and I'll talk to you next Sunday when we play."
***The Next Week***
"So, did you speak to your sister?"
"I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven", said the second man. "However, there's good news, and, I'm afraid, there's bad news."
"Well, tell me the good news first," said the first man.
"The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we envisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot."
"..and the bad news?" said the first man, his voice more hesitant
"The bad news is, you're off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning."
18-
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says, apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have taken 'golf' lessons instead."
19-
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
20-
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie wonder says, "I always find that why my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for awhile and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fair way, and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
"Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
21-
Sir Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.
"David" he says, "I'm worried about your performance over the last few games. You've been bloody hopeless, completely off form."
"Sorry Gaffer", says David. "I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home."
"Oh dear" says Fergie, pretending to care. "What's up? Posh and Brooklyn and Romeo OK?"
"Oh, they're fine", says David. "It's just that something's been really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing my head up".
"What ever's the matter, son?" asks Fergie.
"Well Gaffer", says David, "it's pretty serious. Victoria bought me this jigsaw puzzle the other day and....."
"A bloody jigsaw?!!!" shouts Sir Alex. "You're playing shite because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!
"Yeah Gaffer, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!" says David. "It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and,....."
"David, David, David," says Fergie, "you'd better get a grip son. And quick!!!!"
"OK Gaffer, OK," says David, "but........it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and........and it's a tiger and it looks easy........and I can't make the bits fit and, it's really hard, and, er, sorry Gaffer and, er, it's a tiger, er....on the box....er.....sorry Gaffer."
"OK, OK, OK," says Sir Alex, "bring the jigsaw in and let's have a look at it, it can't be that difficult".
"Oh thanks Gaffer." says David.
So, the next day David brings the jigsaw in to Ferguson's office.
"Here it is, Gaffer." he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box.
"Look, Gaffer, it's this tiger, right? And it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger." With that, Beck's empties all the pieces from the box onto Fergie's desk.
Fergie looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham.....................
"David, put the bloody Frosties back in the box."!!!
22-
Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world.
Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won."
Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?"
Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges.
Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them."
Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?"
Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.
Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says, "Can you please autograph this please."
Sir Alex totally gobsmacked by now says, "Hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed an Argentinian
cunt it cost me 28 million pounds!"
23-
A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop
24-
Alex Ferguson is watching a rather tame game at struggling Doncaster when he spots a young lad with real potential. Keen to build on his continued success by developing young talented players he approaches the lad and offers him a contract.
The day comes when the lad is about to play in his first game. Alex calls him aside to firm up on the details of the contract: "Right then lad, I've decided to start you on a salary of £25,000 per week.
The lad replies "£25,000 per week!!! I was lucky to get £250 at Doncaster!
Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here.... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow.....set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts."
The lad is ecstatic "7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat at Doncaster!
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and thinking! I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend.
The lad is on cloud nine "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster!
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big! Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised If I pull you off at half time.
The lad can't believe it "Pull me off at half time!!!, I only got an orange at Doncaster!"
25-
He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded.
“You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.
“I doubt it!“ replied the caddy. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
26-
During a long rain delay, the cricket announcer filled in some time by sharing some cricket trivia with his fellow presenter.
"Know who hit the most sixes between 1975 and 1985? I'll tell you -- it was none other than Ian Botham."
"Know who took the most wickets between 1975 and 1985? It was also Ian Botham."
"And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1975 and 1985?"
"Ian Botham?," ventured the fellow commentator.
"Nope," said the announcer, "It was Michael Barrymore."
27-
Golf Quotes
For Sale: Set of golf clubs at bargain price of $100. Telephone 555 2345 before six o'clock. If a man answers, hang up.
The reason it's called golf is that all the other four-letter words were already taken.
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers.. neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil
"What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you have it in your pocket?"
"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."
28-
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
29-
Four married guys go golfing.
During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy? I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to play this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she said, "Wear your sweater."
30-
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic] But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?”
“We can’t,” said the woman.
“Why not?” came the reply.
“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.
“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “...I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”
31-
A guy walks into a pub with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an England cricketing jersey and cap and is festooned with little England flags.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV at home is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can watch the match!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game
The big game begins with England batting. In the first over they have scored 30 runs. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, gets onto his hind legs and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him 12 years."
32-
Commentators Fuck-ups
“And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables:"I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a sooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"(Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"(StuartPearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (RonPickering)
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)
33-
At one point during a cub football game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together, as a team?"
The little boy nodded, yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a penalty is called, or you're offside, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now, go over to the touchline and explain it to your mother."
34-
A college rugby forward married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the big guy, "but she's much better!"
35-
No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.
36-
These are actual quotes by Commentators at various sporting events.
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
- Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
- Terry Venables
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
- Metro Radio
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
- David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what have I just said?"
- Stu Nahan, USTV Commentator
37-
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1:Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2:Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3:Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4:For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5:Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6:The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
7:It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8:Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9:Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10:Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11:Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12:Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13:Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14:It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15:The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16:Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
17:Players
are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
18:It is considered
bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you
38-
My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned to play golf, you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, sure, you've got balls, haven't you?
I said, yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find.
Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow he said and we will tee off.
What's tea off, I asked?
He said, it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.
Not the barn somewhere. No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.
Yeah, I've got one of those.
Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
I asked do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.
You do, he said, You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.
Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so.
He said "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure" I said.
He said "your balls are in it, aren't they?"
Of course, I told him.
Well, he said, can't you open the bag and take one out?
I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.
He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.
Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so.
He said, you take your club in both hands folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said you swing it over your shoulder.
No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about.
He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I said, "in two fingers".
He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.
He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I said I could well imagine.
Then, he said, and when you're on the green, what's the green, I asked.
No, then you take your putter, what's the putter, I asked.
That's the smallest club made, he said.
That's what I've got, a putter.
With it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.
I corrected you mean the putter?
He said, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell.
You mean he said you can't make eighteen holes in one day?
Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?
He said, the flag would go up. That would be just my luck.
39-
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
40-
This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed. It was at this point that she smashed straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.
41-
So Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson goes on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and he gets to the £500,000 question. And Chris Tarrant asks him: "What animal lives in a sett? Is it:
A) A rabbit
B) A cuckoo
C) A sheep
D) A badger?"
Fergie thinks for some time, and says: "That's a hard one, Chris, I'll have to go 50:50."
Tarrant orders: "Computer, take away two wrong answers", and Fergie is left with:
B) A cuckoo, or
D) A badger
Fergie still isn't sure, so he tells Chris: "Sorry Chris, I think I'll phone a friend."
Tarrant is surprised when Fergie nominates none other than "wonderboy" Man United player and England captain David Beckham to take the call.
Beckham answers the phone at his home in Spicey Mansions, and is presented with the question and the two remaining options by Fergie. Beckham states with assured authority: "Oh it's definitely a badger, boss!" Fergie asks if he's sure and gets confirmation from "the gifted one". So Fergie gives his reply to Tarrant and walks away with half a million quid.
Next day in training, Fergie says: "Becksy, tell us how come ye were so sure of the answer last night?"
Beckham replies: "Oh that was easy, boss. Everyone knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."
42-
The office-boy had taken the afternoon off to attend his uncle's funeral. His boss, a keen football fan, went the same afternoon to watch a match between Aberdeen and Celtic, and he saw the office-boy among the crowd. 'So this is your uncle's funeral, is it?' he said sarcastically. 'I shouldn't be at all surprised,' said the office boy. 'He's the referee.'
43-
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.
The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?"
God Replies, "In the next five years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup? "
The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Derby win the Premier League?".
God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
44-
A man desperate at Aston Villa's current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
45-
THE HORSES IN THE RACE ARE...
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
AT THE POST
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
AT THE HALF-WAY MARK
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open, and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up... and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
46-
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon a policeman arrived and started checking over the body.
He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?"
The copper responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it."
47-
Two old friends met at the golf course. "How's it going?" asked the first guy.
"Not so good," said the second. "My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible said the first. "What happened?"
"I made a five and half footer on the eighteenth green," he replied.
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" the first guy asked.
"It wasn't a putt - It was a brunette
48-
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot.
She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"
49-
David Beckham is doing an after dinner talk. Finishing up, he says "And the best thing about them is that they are only two calories, and they keep you breath fresh for up to two hours."
"David?" said a guy at the back, "We asked you to talk about tactics."
50-
THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
51-
Reasons Why Women Are Like Football Pitches
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.Conversely,
DO NOT
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
20. Handling balls is allowed.
21. Some protection should be worn (not shin pads)
22. Wearing a football strip is not necessary, although some MPs seem to derive
pleasure from it.
23. Seaman should be in the box but has been known to dribble out.
24. The taller your main striker the more chance of you scoring week-in,
week-out.
25. Photos of favourite grounds are useful for shooting and dribbling practice.
26. Grounds love having studs pressed against them for 90 minutes at a time.
27. Some rich clubs may make ground improvements, especially with regard to
their East & West stands.
29. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can
sometimes be
30. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a
month,
31. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being
allowed to play
32. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the
pitch
33. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
34. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the
game. You
52-
Are Footballers Thick?
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'- Ian Wright
'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'- Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'- Ian Rush
'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme Le Saux
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'- Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones
53-
Inside The Mind Of Man City's Latest Saviour, Kevin Keegan
MANCHESTER CITY fans can rest easy that their troubled club's destiny is finally
in the right hands. And here, from the horse-lover's mouth, is the evidence...
"One of his strengths is not heading."
"He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted."
"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup
comes around, if they're not careful."
"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."
"England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football
nation in the world.
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him,
but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."
"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
"Despite his white boots, he has real pace..."
"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved."
"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or
30s."
"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the
starting line-up today."
"The ref was vertically 15 yards away."
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to
none."
"The tide is very much in our court now."
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no
choice."
"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle,
up pops a yellow card."
"There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going
to develop; everybody's got their own opinion..."
"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at
half-time."
"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this
match or lose it."
"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
"I know what is around the corner. I just don't know where the corner
is."
"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
"...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength."
"I'm not disappointed - just disappointed."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that
it's totally different."
"Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there's no higher
praise than that."
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly
came off."
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the
game."
"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong."
54-
Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a £50 note - now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying £8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
55-
The Republic of Ireland soccer team are having a meeting on the eve of a pre-World Cup friendly against England, and Mick McCarthy says to the lads: "Look lads, I know England are absolutely shite and we don't want to play them, but we have to or face the wrath of the FAI and UEFA".
Roy Keane peps up: "I've an idea, boss. Why don't yee all go down to the pub and let me play them on my own, after all, I'm good enough to beat them myself. And remember, they are totally shite!!"
"Brilliant idea, Roy," says Mick, "let's do that!"
On the day of the game, the lads are in the pub playing pool when Quinny remembers the match is on. He flicks the teletext on and up comes the score: ENGLAND 0, IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min) The lads cheer and get the drinks in.
At about 4.50 pm, they go to the teletext again and up comes the score: ENGLAND 1 (BECKHAM, 93 min), IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min)
"Oh fook that!" cries McCarthy, "What the fook went wrong?"
They all leave the bar and jump into taxis and head back to Lansdowne Road. They rush in to find Keane sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
"Well Roy, what the hell happened?!?" screams McCarthy. Roy protests, "it was all going well and I had the game under control, when the fucking ref sent me off in the 12th minute."
56-
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn't bother to wave the men on through and after two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out on the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
57-
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by
Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they
were laughing so hard!
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
On UTV the weather forcaster was being intervied by Frank Mitchell, She said live on TV " Frank, fancy a quick shag."
58-
The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
59-
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A football coach?"
60-
A nameless but famous American golfer once went to Japan to play in a tournament.
After a few days out on the course practicing, he was getting bored and the night before the start of the tournament, he found himself in a bar in Tokyo and chatting to a beautiful Japanese girl.
They had a few drinks, he took her out to a sushi restaurant and invited her back to his hotel room.
They got it on and had a wild night of sex, trying all sorts of positions.
Whilst they were doing it doggy-style the Japanese girl was writhing around and shouting out, "Kuroshiro ho-ru! Kuroshiro ho-ru!"
The golfer was ecstatic at her orgasmic screaming, and satisfied, he fell into a deep sleep.
He woke up in the morning to find the girl gone and got up to ready himself for his big day on the golf course.
He met up with his Japanese caddy, had a few practice drives and putts and the usual pre-round preparation.
He was pleased to see that there was a big crowd waiting for him at the first tee. They were cheering to see this famous golfer but gradually a hush fell and they waited expectantly.
Nonchalantly and, not without a little arrogance, he put his ball down, took a few practice swings and then cracked
what he thought was a pretty good 275 yard drive down the first fairway.
The crowd started shouting and he was amazed to hear them saying, "Kuroshiro ho-ru! Kuroshiro ho-ru!"
Convinced that this was a Japanese phrase of the highest compliment, he turned to his caddy and asked, "Ruchi, what does 'Kuroshiro ho-ru!' mean in English?"
"Well, now, Arnie-san", the caddy replied, "It means 'Wrong hole'!"
61-
Three aspiring golfers were taking lessons from a pro. The first guy hit the ball far to the right. "That was due to LOFT," said the pro.
The second man hit his ball far to the left. "That, too, was due to LOFT," said the pro again.
The third golfer took a swing, and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. "Once again, it's LOFT," the pro claimed.
"Well, what exactly do you mean by LOFT?" asked the third golfer.
"Lack of fucking talent," replied the pro.
62-
Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."
63-
64-
This American football player named Smith was an avid hunter and it was the last day of deer season but also the last game of the season. He tells his wife " I've been just sitting on the bench all season so would you put on my uniform and take my place while I go hunting?" The wife agrees and he goes hunting while she goes to the game.
The last three minutes of the game the coach yells "Smith, you're in !"
She can't say anything because her husband would lose his contract and probably get sued, she thinks what can happen in just three minutes
so she goes into the game.
The next thing she knows she has the ball and all these guys are jumping on her and she passes out. When she comes to she's stark naked in the locker room and the coach sees her coming around and says " Don't worry Smith, as soon as we get your balls back down where they belong, your pecker will pop out !"
65-
A WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my 5oth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the fucking Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
66-
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied." 'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
67-
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."
68-
Tina lives in London, married to an oil rigger, pots of money, luxury apartment, Ferrari, but bored shitless, as the old man is working away all the time. One steamy Sunday afternoon she grabs the Ferrari and goes for a drive.
She comes across Watty, standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross the road. She beckons him over and invites him for a ride. Halfway round the block she invites him back to her place.
"Mix a couple of drinks," she says, "I'll just slip into something a little more comfortable". She's back in a few minutes wearing a very, very sheer negligee. She saunters up to him and asks if her appearance "make him excited".
"Oh yes," he stammers, "I am quite excited".
"And tell me," she asks, "have you ever been this excited before?"
"Oh!" he replies, "I remember a few years back when I was full back for England at Twickers, against the All Blacks, I was quite excited then".
She tries to look impressed, slips off a strap and starts to fondle a tit. "And tell me," she asks, "does this excite you?"
"Oh yes," he replies.
"And tell me," she asks, as she grabs his hand and rubs it against her chest. "Have you ever been this excited before?"
"Oh yes," he replies, "I remember in the game against the All Blacks at Twickers, we had 1 minute to go and we were losing 20 points to 26, and I got the ball out of the scrum and I said to myself now come on old chap we need a try to win, and I got hold of the ball and started to run and the field opened up before me, so that there was nothing between me and the try line but Jonah Lomu, and I could hear the crowd cheering and I knew what a good tackler Jonah Lomu was, so I said to myself, there is only one thing to do old chap, so I chipped the ball over his head, side stepped him, got the bounce and went on to score a try right on time".
"I bet you were excited then?" she said, as she let the negligee drop to the floor.
"Oh yes I was quite excited," he said.
"And tell me," she asked as she grabbed his hand and thrust it between her legs. "Have you ever felt a cunt like this before?"
"Yes, when I missed the conversion."
69-
A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."
"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.
"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.
Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road...
70-
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
71-
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was so deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the CUNT in the clubhouse kindly shut the FUCK up and let me play my second shot!!"
72-
RUGBY UNION NEWS
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, the IRB has now agreed to the following pre-match displays in the World Cup.
1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world and how it is not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team.
2. The Scotland team will chant ' You lookin' at me, jimmy?' before smashing Iron Bru bottles over their opponents' heads.
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the southern half performing a riverdance. While the Northerners march the Traditional route from their own dressing room to the pitch , via their opponents dressing room.
4. Unfortunately the committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA !
5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own 'Las In-Goalas-Areas' and then be forcibly removed by two under- 14 players .
6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
7. The USA team will not attend until halftime. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called ' Saving No. 8 Lyle'!
8. Five of the Canadian team will sing the' marseillaise' and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away
10. The Spanish team will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim it was all in line with European grass quotas. They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until halftime when their appeal for compensation will be heard.
11. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in formation before buying the ground ( with a subsidy from the UK government )
12. The French will declare that they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the half way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half ( much to the delight of the Welsh ) and burn the officials.
13. The Australians will have a Barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
14. The Tongans/ Samoans and Fijians will have a joint ' Haka ' to outdo the upstart New Zealanders and end up frightening each other so much they do not want to play
73-
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."
74-
Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest. The first had no arms, the second no legs and the third was only a head. The whistle blew and they were all in the pool.
The guy with no arms took the lead instantly, but the one with no legs was catching up quickly. The head, of course, sank right to the bottom.
Several lengths later, the guy with no legs finished first.
As he looked around, he could still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decided he had better dive
down to rescue him.
He dove down, picked up the head and swam back up to the surface. When he placed the head at the side of the pool,
the head began coughing and sputtering.
When the head finally caught his breath, he shouted, "I've spent over three years learning how to swim with my fucking
ears, then two minutes before the whistle some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
75-
A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed
from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help. " she said.
The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt.
"Everyone's agreed to let him play through."
76-
A Little Welsh lad is practicing his free kicks at Derby. He has one of those portable goals which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field. He takes 50 kicks at goal, everyone finds the back of the net.
John Gregory is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man. "How old are you son?" asks the hair dying County Boss
"13" Replies the young fellow.
"Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues the raven headed manager, "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Derby 1st team"
"Fuck off" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh"
77-
Announcing a brand new football comic strip.......Roy of the Rapists.
78-
Sports Quotes
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
79-
Johnson, Dallaglio and Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Johnno first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Johnno the seat to his left.
He then turns to Lawrence , "and you, Lol , what do you believe?" Lol stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Dallaglio the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?"
"I believe..." says Wilkinson "... you're sitting in my seat"
80-
The real reason Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves is that he thought it would be good for basketball.
81-
Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead!
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer!
Q: Why do English Footballers make better lovers than French and German Footballers?
A: The English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second!
Q: What have the England Football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!
82-
Question:
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
Answer:
"Will the defendant please rise..."
83-
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said,
“Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.”
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said ,“I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.”
“Hmm?” said the manager. “And are you sure you having nothing else to add?”
“Well, yes,” said the member. “I lie extensively.”
84-
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "Absolutely.... I got here in two, didn't I?"
85-
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the
centre during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his
wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's awful slippery out there."
86-
Winthrop found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "if you ever want to see your wife alive again, bring $50,000 to the 17th green at your country club tomorrow at 10:00am."
But it was after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind the bushes and demanded, "You're over three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Winthrop, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."
87-
Two men are talking at work Monday morning.
First man: "What did you do this weekend?"
Second man: "Dropped hooks into water."
First man: "Fishing, huh?"
Second man: "No, golfing."
88-
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW BALL."
He complied excitedly, convinced the Lord was telling him that he was finally going to achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "LET ME SEE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He swung again. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
89-
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise them to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and reek of pepper spray!
90-
The contrast between English and European footballers was thrown into sharp focus yesterday.
Asked what he thought about the former Spurs boss Christian Gross, Frenchman David Ginola told The Sun: "When we were together every day, it was like being with a woman that you don't love anymore. You have to eat with them in the kitchen. There is silence and sometimes there are rows. When you get a new manager, it is like being with a new woman."
Asked exactly the same question, the sometime England keeper Ian Walker said that Gross was "a
wanker."
91-
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a
neighbouring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”
92-
Beckham's diary
MONDAY:
Talk about baby names in training. Yorkie says why not call him "Juan", after the number of brain cells I have. I laugh along but I don't get it.
Talk to the gaffer about it. Tell him I'm thinking of naming the baby after myself. Boss says that no kid would appreciate being called a whingeing egotistical bastard. Suggests I name baby after him.
TUESDAY:
Posh says no child of hers will be called a moaning Scottish git. In training, Yorkie asks why my missus is called Posh; I explain it's because she's a classy bird. Everyone laughs but I don't know why.
WEDNESDAY:
Talk to the journo who's writing my autobiography. Boss gets us motivated for the match by telling me I'll be playing against the man who cheated in the Argentina game during the World Cup. Didn't even know Owen had signed for Inter.
In training boss tells me to practise shooting before getting into the box. Yorkie says I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now if I'd done that before. Everyone laughs but I don't get it.
THURSDAY:
Wow! Boss calls me in and gives me a ten grand a week pay rise. I never asked for it but he explains that I'll need it to keep the child in new Man United strips.
FRIDAY:
Gosh, I'm a dad. It's going to mean a whole change to my lifestyle. Now I'm going to have to maintain a nanny too. Decide to call it Brooklyn as that's where it was conceived during a weekend away. Yorkie says thank
fuck it wasn't that Saturday we played up the Arsenal. Everyone laughed but I didn't get it.
93-
A Leicester City player was in
La Manga where he came across a German bird he fancied
He shouts to her "do you fancy a shag "
She replies " nein"
He say’s "O.K. I'll go and get eight of my mates"
94-
Manchester United
have set up a Call Centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is...
0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing.
95-
For Sale...
One Arsenal dartboard.
No doubles or trebles on it.
96-
Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear. One of the golfers asked the old man, "What the hell is going on?"
The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us
attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer said " What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her the last time."
97-
Posh and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central London. "Where you been?" asks the cabbie.
"New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping." "Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.
"Yes, one really great one." "What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie. "Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham. The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria .." Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to...?"
98-
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon.
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her,
"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
99-
In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another, "I got injured between the first and second hole."
"That’s a bitch," said the other woman, "You will never get a band aid to stick there!"
100-
Health and fitness Q and A
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
PS : If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales.
101-
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and... misses. They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder...!"