Sex
1-
Siamese Twins
A man in a bar noticed a very attractive set of blonde siamese twins. They started talking, he bought them a few drinks and pretty soon they were laughing and joking, getting on really well. At closing time he asked them if they would like to go back to his place for a nightcap and they both agreed.
Back at his apartment they enjoyed a few more drinks and they started talking dirty. He suggested that they should all go off to the bedroom and the siamese twins readily agreed. They all undressed and soon he was having terrific sex with one of the twins. After he'd finished with the first one the second one cried out "My turn now" so he started to have sex with her.
The other siamese twin suddenly notices a saxophone in the corner of the bedroom and asks the guy whether she can try it out as she's always wanted to play the saxophone. He says sure and carries on having sex with her twin whilst she's trying to play "When the saints go marching in" at full volume on the saxophone.
The evening ends with the guy calling a cab for the siamese twins. They all agree that they should meet up again some time.
Four days later the siamese twins are walking down the street and one turns to the other and says "Hey. Isn't that the apartment that we went to with that guy the other night?" "Yeah I think it is" says the other one, "Shall we go up and see if he's in?" "I'm not sure" says her sister, "Do you think he'll remember us?"
2-
A bloke comes home to find that his girlfriend is packing her suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you" she sobbed. "I heard that you are a paedophile".
"Hell", he said. "That's a big word for a five year old".
3-
A paedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night.
She starts to cry, "I'm scared!"
"How do you think I feel" the Paedophile replied, "I have to walk out of these woods alone."
4-
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
5-
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
6-
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
7-
Two couples had arranged to spend a long weekend at a country house hotel. On the drive to the hotel they shared a car and during the 2 hour journey they agreed that, to spice up the weekend, they would try a little partner swapping.
Having checked into the hotel each went on to the bedroom with their new partner. The sex started immediately. It was hot and heavy. After half an hour one of the men turned to his new partner and said.
"That was terrific. We should have done this years ago. I wonder how the girls are getting on”?
8-
How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
9-
What's the worst thing to say in an Ann Summers shop
"Ummm...does this come in children sizes?”
10-
One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.
Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"
Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"
Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."
"What's the difference? asked Kirk.
Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"
11-
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
12-
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."
13-
One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
14-
A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the
men's clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking."
15-
After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.
She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and
everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?"
He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
16-
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?"
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."
17-
A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day. One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded
vibrator. Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind
him. A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand watching football on TV and with the vibrator on the couch next to him. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???! "The man says, "Oh, just sitting here, watching the match and having a beer with my Son-in-law."
18-
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
19-
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
20-
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building? with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
21-
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very real and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"I think she got fired too."
22-
Luigi and Marco grew up together in a small village in the south of Italy. When they were 15 Marco decided that he would move to Rome to find a job as he didn’t see any possibility of earning big money in the little hamlet. Thirty years went by and Marco decided to revisit his old friend Luigi. Although Marco had done well for himself in Rome and was now the manager of a medium sized engineering company he was surprised to see that Luigi, who had stayed in the same village, was now an extremely wealthy man. He had a fine house, a Ferrari sports car and a large ocean going yacht. After a fine meal at his house Luigi suggested to Marco that they take a walk around his large estate at the top of the village. “You know Marco, sometimes I wish I’d gone with you to Rome when we were both 15. The people in this village are so narrow minded. You see the new marina in the harbour-I built that with my own construction company but do you think they call me Luigi the bringer of wealth? No. Such small minded people.You see the new church in the village square- I funded that but do you think they call me Luigi the provider? No. Such small minded people.You see the new school just across from the church - I designed it and built it but do you think they call me Luigi the father of our education? No. Such small minded people. But you fuck one little sheep!
23-
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final!" "Do I have to go fishing with you? I really don't want to go!" "Okay, I'll give you three choices:
1 - You come fishing with me and the dog
2 - You give me a blow job, or
3 - We have anal"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" I've given you three options, you'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back.
"Well, what have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ANAL?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. "OK, l'll give you a blow job"
Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. She stops and looks up at her husband. "This tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes," says her husband "the dog didn't want to go fishing either."
24-
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
25-
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
26-
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini "
27-
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear short skirts and thong panties.
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack there of and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please." the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for
herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at
her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin to twitch!"
28-
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. “What’s that” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the heck did you do that for?”
“Just checking for bees,” said Tarzan
29-
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
30-
A guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, “What can I get for $20?”
She, totally uninterested in this “big spender” calls over her shoulder, “Maisie, come and give this guy a Penguin”
Maisie walks over, kneels in front of the guy, drops his trousers and shorts and starts to give him a blowjob. She stops about 30 seconds before he’s ready to come and walks away.
The guy walks after her, still with his shorts and trousers round his legs, and cries out “What’s a Penguin?”
31-
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he
went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in thecar until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck
his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
32-
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
33-
"What I've Learned From Watching Porn"
Women wear high heels to bed.
When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with
embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
All women are noisy fucks.
People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap
it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
Asian men don't exist.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a brisk slap on the butt.
Nurses always suck patient's penises.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
Men don't have to beg.
When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
34-
This old guy had never done a 69 before. So he goes down to the local whore house and tells the madam his problem. The madam says she can fix him up for fifty bucks. The old guy gives her fifty bucks and she tells him to go upstairs to the second door on the right. He gets there and opens the door and here is the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. He tells her he is there to do a 69 with her but that he is not quite sure how to do it. The blonde says, "All we do is both get naked and I put my head between your legs and suck you off while you have your head between my legs licking my pussy." They both strip down and are going to town when all of a sudden she lets a big, nasty smelling fart rip. He jumps up and says "What the fuck was that all about?" She said she was sorry and it would not happen again. So they start going at again and sure enough she lets another one rip. The old guy jumps again and starts putting his clothes back on. She asks him where he is going. And he says "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those you're crazy."
35-
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
36-
Jack had been dating Jill for over a year now and was finally ready to pop the question. He decided to do it over dinner and invited Jill out to a restaurant. After dinner, Jack said to Jill, "Honey, I've got something rather important to ask you, but first, there is something else I want to ask you." Jill, a little surprised, said, "Well sure, what is it" "Well, I wanted to know how you feel about sex.", Jack inquired. Jill replied, "Oh, it's fine, as long as it is infrequent."
Jack paused for a second, then asked, "Is that one word, or two?"
37-
At 8.00am sharp, just as usual, Jeeves the butler enters his master’s bedroom carrying a breakfast tray holding a pot of tea, 2 slices of toast and a lightly grilled kipper. He sets the tray down, crosses the room and opens the curtains to let in the streaming sunlight. He then advances with the tray towards the bed where his lordship is just stirring. Jeeves notices what can only be an early morning erection which is causing the top sheet to impersonate a small tent. “Oh congratulations Your Lordship, I notice that Master John Thomas has also awoken early today. Would you like me to invite Her Ladyship from her room”?
“No I think not Jeeves. Just pack a small overnight bag. I think I’ll smuggle this one down to London today”
38-
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the
horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".
"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."
39-
A man had a big dance coming up but the problem was he didn't know how to dance. So he went to a dance studio. The instructor told him to pretend that there is a 10 cent piece on his right shoulder and that he must try to touch the coin with his earlobe in time to the music. So the guy went home and practiced this all week long. The next week the instructor told him to do the same thing with his left shoulder. The next lesson he was told to pretend that there was a 50 cent piece on his penis and he had to flip it into the air and catch it again. The week before the dance he had his last lesson. This time the instructor told him to pretend to bounce a $1 coin on his butt. The night of the dance came and he met a girl. They danced and danced and the whole time he was saying, "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar." The girl was so impressed she asked the man to make love to her the same way that he danced.
So they got back to her house and went for it. "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. 10 cents, 10 cents... oh fuck it, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy..."
40-
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkiness together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she complained. "We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"
41-
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance.
I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:
"Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.
42-
Polite Things to say after a Wife Swapping Party
“Thank you for having us”
“Not at all. Thank you for coming. Please come again”
43-
One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different."
The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass."
"No, that's too common. I want something different."
"Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?"
"I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that."
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can. The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane."
"OK, I'll buy that."
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head."
The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!!"
"Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, "Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"
44-
The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight shag was £100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow job would be £75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had £25. So, I told him, 'For £25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."
She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him £75!"
45-
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
46-
While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
47-
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well
dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
'Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is: Three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
48-
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
49-
A woman tells her friend she’s received a bunch of flowers from her husband. “I suppose now I’ll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” she says, to which the friend replies, “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”
50-
A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker.
"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.
"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!"
"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick."
51-
A country boy has come into some money and decides he will go to town. Having never been to town before he strolls up and down the streets looking at the stores, when he comes to a barber shop. "Well," he says. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one."
He goes in and sits down and the barber says, "What can I do for you?"
Country boy says, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!"
So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he says, "Would you like a singe?" Country boy says, "I said I want the works, everything."
This shop has a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walks over and asks if he want a manicure. He says, "I want the works, everything!" So she starts working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes.
In a few minutes she asks, "Shall I push back the cuticle?"
He says, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."
52-
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
53-
A little old lady in a nursing home stands and raises her fist in the Rec Centre one day and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."
She says, "Close enough."
54-
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her.
It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU,
sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."
55-
The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her:
Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ?
What ? You're crazy ???!!!
Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem
No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour...
At this time of the night no one will show up..
I've already said NO, and NO means NO.
Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too..
NO !!! I've said NO !!!
My love.. don't be like that..
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says:
Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.
56-
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw
them up to the ceiling, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
57-
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the female’s skirt.
To his delight, he realises she is going commando.
The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, “Are you looking at my fanny?”
“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough the fanny blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder fanny can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the fanny winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick two fingers in?”
Shocked, the man replies, “Fucking hell! Can it whistle as well?!”
58-
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
59-
This man and this woman are sitting next to each other in first class,
flying to Paris. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of
degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when sneeze, I have an orgasam."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
60-
Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of £500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation.
Cambridge University spent £750,000 on a research programme that lasted years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Open University spent £2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.
61-
What not to say in an Ann Summers Shop
10.) Does this come in children's sizes?
9.) No thanks -just sniffing.
8.) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7.) Mom will love this.
6.) Oh the size doesn't matter-She's inflatable.
5.) No need to wrap it up-I'll eat it here.
4.) Will you model this for me?
3.) The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!
2.) 45 quid?? You just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1.) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
62-
Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!" So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!" "Why?" Harry asks.
"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"
Harry promises his mother that he won't. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!" "Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"
Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?" Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks. "No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"
63-
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!", he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"You found her!".
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first".
64-
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing
hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!...but my friends call me 'Bubba'".
65-
Ultimate Pick-up Line
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned.
I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it.
I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable.
So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful.
The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence
I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably
so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up.
That's just too sad. Think about the children.
So, for God's sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
66-
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
67-
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
68-
Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
69-
A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
70-
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
71-
A few years ago, David Copperfield was performing one of his magic shows in London. Towards the end of the show he asks the audience if anyone would like to go up on stage and perform a trick themselves. One bloke in the front row immediately puts his hand up and Copperfield invites him up.
The man says 'I'll need an assistant for this David, can I borrow your Missus for a while?'. Copperfield agrees, and on comes Claudia Scheiffer. The man immediately lifts up Claudia's skirt, pulls down her pants and starts shagging her up the arse.
'What are you doing?', says Copperfield, 'That's not a trick!'
'I Know', says the man, 'But it's Fucking magic'.
72-
A middle aged woman is out shopping in Tesco's and sees a cute young man working in the store, she makes sure that he is nearby when she pays for her shopping. "Can somebody help me take my shopping to my car" she asks, and sure enough the young man who she has her eye on gets told to help her.
When they get to the car park the woman leans over so only he can hear and says "young man, I have an itchy fanny"
to which he replies..."You will have to point it out to me madam, all those Japanese cars look the same to me!"
73-
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, greying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye -- very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips.
For dessert, they may just bring the cart."
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home, too?"
"Well, no." she admitted, "But no one at home wants to shag me."
74-
An old man was having an on-going affair with a widow. They had a standing date to meet once a month for a
night of passion.
After their April tryst, he said to her, "See ya in May."
She sighed and replied, "Is sex all you ever think about ?"
75-
On Fred's 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his trousers and pants. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred's 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.
"What do you mean you don't want me to do it any more", she said baffled by his actions.
"I just don't want you to hold me anymore", replied Fred.
"Why, is there someone else"?
"Actually there is," Fred shamefully admitted.
"Well what does she have that I don't have"?
"Parkinsons", replied Fred.
76-
A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
77-
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
78-
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry."
79-
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
80-
A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place.
Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.
The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.
"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"
Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!
81-
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzie wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much."
82-
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
83-
A female goes to Greece for vacation. While on vacation, she meets a man. She calls her mother in America and says, "Mom, I really want to marry him."
The mother insists on checking his background to see if he's okay. The mother calls back several days later and says, "We've completed the check. This is definitely Mister Right. He comes from a good family with an impressive background. He owns vineyards and bottles his own wines. You have our blessing to marry him."
After several years, the mother eventually visits her daughter in Greece. Her daughter tells her "I want a divorce."
The mother is surprised at this. She asks "Why? From what you've told me, he doesn't abuse you. He never raises his voice to you. He provides you with everything you've ever asked for. Why could you possibly want a divorce?"
"All he ever wants to do," the daughter says, "is to do me from behind. He butt fucks me. I'm telling you that if he fucked my pussy three times in five months, that's
a lot. My butt hole went from the size of a dime to the size of a half dollar."
"But honey," the mothers says, "do you really want to get a divorce over the difference of 40 cents?"
84-
It was at the Golden Age Rest Home that Sam met Gilda. He was in love! He constantly told her how beautiful she was, what a great sense of humor she had, and how sexy she was.
"Oh Sammy", she said, "if you knew how old I was, you wouldn't be saying such things."
But Sam was in love. "Listen Gilda, I bet I can tell you exactly how old you are" he said.
"And how would you do that?" she replied. "Well
Gilda", he said, "We will go to your room, light a candle, dim the lights, get on the bed, and I will put my hand in your panties. Then I will tell you just exactly how old you are." Being the curious type, Gilda agreed.
They went into her room, lit a candle, dimmed the lights, got on the bed, and Sam put his hand inside Gilda's panties. When they were 'finished'...Gilda asked, "Ok then, how old am I?" Sam replied, "88 years old." "OY!!! I don't believe it! How did you know?"
Sam replied, "You told me last week!"
85-
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
86-
Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "undress you, lick you from head to toe, and make love to you until morning."
"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that, just from two hellos?"
87-
A Martian couple landed on Earth. They emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat.
The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said, "Do you two swing?"
The Martian replied, "Why yes, we do." And so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.
After the Martian man had climbed on, he said to the Earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"
She replied, "Well...now that you mention it, it could be a little longer."
"No problem," he said and proceeded to twist his left ear. Like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"
"One notch more!" said the woman.
Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was, "Would you like it a little thicker?"
"Don't mind if it is." she replied. He twisted his right ear once. The woman said, "That's perfect!" They proceeded to bang away.
The next morning the Earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said, "How was it for you?"
The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"
The husband responded, "Well, it was pretty good except for one thing."
"What was that?" his wife inquired.
"She damn near tore my friggin ears off!"
88-
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says: "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
89-
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mum: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mum: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mum: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mum: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mum: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
90-
Two friends talking.
John, would you like to participate in group sex?"
"Who's involved?"
"Me, you, and your wife."
"NO!"
"Fine. Then I'll take your name off the list."
91-
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now... Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: - Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough, she wants sixty...
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: -Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty...
92-
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
93-
There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
94-
A tired
traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
95-
The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don‚t I even get my agent‚s ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you‚re going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover‚s vitality.
"My God," she whispered in the dark, "you are virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered.
"He's at the door taking tickets "
96-
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
97-
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
98-
A woman and her boyfriend are in bed.
She says, "Stick a finger in my pussy."
He does.
She then says, "Stick your hand in it."
He sticks his whole hand in it.
Then the woman asks him to stick both hands into her vagina, and he complies.
"Now, lover-boy," she says, "clap your hands."
"I can't, honey!"
"Tight, eh?"
99-
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
100-
Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it."
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
101-
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish....... but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
102-
What's better than fucking two eighteen year old girls at once?
Nothing.
103-
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl.
Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your dick at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more John said no
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the chap slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
104-
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
105-
This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel No 5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
106-
What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?
The hooker say's, "Aren't you done yet?"
The girlfriend says, "Are you done already?"
And the wife says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
107-
THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT SAY ON A FIRST DATE:
10. Technically, I still love Simon Le Bon.
9. Will you marry me?
8. Cats are more intelligent than men.
7. I might as well tell you now - I suffer from terrible fanny farts.
6. I used to be a man.
5. I was drunk when I got here.
4. Even the thought of oral sex turns my stomach.
3. I must've slept with over four hundred men.
2. I hate my hairy arse. It's so unwomanly.
1. Shall we get the money out of the way now?
108-
JOBS SIMILAR TO MAKING LOVE
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. Then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently and give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
Yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
109-
A man and woman are sitting next to each other in a bar.
"First," said the confident young stud, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh, no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks," said the persistent bachelor. "Oh, no you're not," the girl exclaimed. "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks" said the stud. "Oh, no you're not," she insisted. "Then I'm going to make uncontrolled, passionate love to you," he said. "Oh, no you're not," she said firmly. "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.
110-
Things Not to Say During Sex
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
Hold on, I need to find Dr. Ruth's pager number again.
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
You're almost as good as my ex!
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Does your husband own a shotgun?
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
111-
Try These Pick-up Lines
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch?
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Can I borrow 10p? I want to call my mum and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you want to see something really swell?
Your hair is perfectly pH balanced.
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, you don't like pizza?
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No?) Wink.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Moisten finger with tongue, dab it on her blouse and say “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes”
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?
Here's 10p...call your mum and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
So... How am I doing?
I go down on the first date, how about you?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays?
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Hi, my name is <fill in the blank>. That's so you'll know what to scream.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Nice shoes. Want to screw?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
The first time is always the hardest.
The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.
Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question.
You know what would look good on you? Me.
I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.
112-
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.
113-
How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
114-
Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!"
I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so ?"
115-
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual
problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I.
"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.
"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told
us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is
wonderful!, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
116-
One day a midget came into this really trendy bar.
He was dressed with two-toned black and white shoes & beautiful silk coat and designer tie.
His hair was fashionably combed back and he had perfectly white-straight teeth.
He came into the bar slightly whistling to himself and swinging, in small circles, a watch-chain attached to his
designer trousers.
You could see a diamond ring flashing on his right hand as he swung the chain.
When he walked in, he had an air of extreme confidence and almost
smugness.
He thought he was hot and he obviously felt very good about himself.
As he walked into the crowded bar filled with the "beautiful" people he noticed sitting at the other end of the bar a gorgeous well built red head with long flowing hair to her waist.
She had a plunging neckline, with a diamond necklace sparkling down towards her beautiful cleavage and matching bracelet on her wrist.
She had on a skin-tight long, blue dress with a shimmering glow to it.
She was a fox and she knew it.
The bar was packed with people and the cigarette smoke just hung in the air.
She was sitting at the bar and had a long cigarette holder in her hand as she sat nursing a martini being held in her long
slinky hand with long red coloured fingernails.
She had an air about that said rich, sexy, sophisticated, and untouchable as she drew a
breathe of cigarette from her cigarette holder and exhaled slow and deliberately.
The midget ordered a drink, took a sip and swinging his chain with his other hand surveyed the whole bar and moved towards the beautiful red head sitting by herself towards the end of the bar.
He walked over to a vacant spot right next to her as she made a point of trying to ignore his presence
Standing, he looked her up and down and she could feel his eyes checking her from head to toe.
The macho little midget finally leaned over right next to her actually making physical contact with him almost brushing her arm as it held her martini.
She glanced over her shoulder down at the floor at him.
He nestled up close to her and with the cockiness and self-confidence of someone who thought they were God's gift to women, looked at her cleavage and slowly followed it up to her eyes and said:
"What do you say to a little fuck??"
She slowly took a drag off her cigarette holder and exhaled slowly and looking him directly in the eyes said:
"Hi little fuck."
117-
Q.) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
118-
A woman phones Norris McWhirter of The Guinness Book of Records and says
"I have a 10" long vagina, is it a record?"
"I don't know" says Norris, "but it'll take some licking."
119-
A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."
The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine."
The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left. Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory. The black man asked how the project was going.
"Great, I'm half way there!"
Really?" said the black man.
"Yes. It's turning black!"
120-
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."
Flo looked at him and said "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my tights."
121-
A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored.
"What would you like to do next?" the young man asks.
"I wanna get weighed," she answers. So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it. Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and candyfloss and asks what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she answers. I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home.
The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks,
"What's wrong, dear? How was your date?"
"Wousy," says the girl.
122-
Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever had?........ It was great.
123-
So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
124-
I tried phone sex last night.
Is the antenna supposed to hurt like that?
125-
A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.' He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.' He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'. He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!' He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual
desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman -
'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to which the woman replies
'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.' to which the man replies -
'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!'
126-
This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she'd lost both legs in an accident. This proved to be no real barrier, however; this was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted.
They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial moment and said, "Wait, I've got an idea that will make it better for both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower branch while we do it."
He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how good the sex was. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was
preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch. "Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with my daughter."
"You did?"
"Yes. And, I want to thank you."
"You do?"
"Yes. Every other guy she's brought home has left her hanging in the tree."
127-
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidante friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
128-
I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true.
He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car.
He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.
They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket.
The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked.
As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far." The guy turned the key and the car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger.
He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelievable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop
and got out. To his horror, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.
Meanwhile, down the road...
A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes.
The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes.
Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room.
They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room.
There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family through the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in.
"Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said... Hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" the stranger asked. Nobody said anything.
So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything.
He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything.
He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her.
Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked Dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything.
He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, Mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything.
So he took Mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of Dad.
"Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked dad. And Dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."
129-
My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
130-
"How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in the beautiful lady's ear.
"I'm afraid," she said, "that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation."
"Err..sorry...I don't get it?" he said.
"Exactly!!!" she replied.
131-
While purchasing some condoms, Johnny remarked with a smile,
"I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said Johnny. "They ARE the gift wrapping."
132-
The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
133-
While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Fer sure!" she giggled, "Unless I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
134-
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood, but were in their 90s when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days, there was no hanky panky before marriage, so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Ne