Religion
1-
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
2-
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
3-
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need £4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge £100 or more, please stand up." Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The National Anthem"
4-
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," said The Lord.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
5-
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of beans
''Can of BEANS!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Sainsburys either.''
6-
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the
Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Oooooh, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
7-
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
8-
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobiles, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says,"I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
9-
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."
10-
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shrivelled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock - It was the bill for the Last Supper.
11-
Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy (a Mancunian) asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Gulf war. Could you help me?"
"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man (a Brummie), who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the third man (a Scouser), the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability."
12-
Can anyone explain how the son of God, born in Bethlehem in the Middle East, ended up with a Spanish name?
13-
One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf.
Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.
Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green.
The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and bagan the swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.
Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "look Dad, if you're going to play, play fair."
14-
Two nuns always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to take a different route. One of the nuns remarked, "I've never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!"
15-
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do...do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey
fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"
16-
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windscreen.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I
do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, ... "Get the Fuck off our car!!"
17-
Two ministers died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as ministers. What'll it be?" The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first minister. The second minister mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second minister, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second minister disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two ministers. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Alaska"
18-
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
19-
Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.
Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.
At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.
"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia."
20-
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, “Rome! Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of smelly Italians. You’re crazy to go there. So, how are you travelling there?”
“We’re taking British Airways, we got a really good rate”
“British Airways” exclaims the barber, “The worst airline in the world. The planes are old the flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown international Marriott”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and the food’s overpriced. So what are you doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope”
“No chance”, laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to get a glimpse. If you do see him he’ll be the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it”
A month later the man comes back for his regular haircut and the barber asks him how the trip went.
“It was great”, replies the man, “not only was British Airways on time but they were overbooked in economy class and they upgraded us to first class with a very attentive 28 year old drop dead gorgeous stewardess waiting on us hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They’d just finished a £30 million remodelling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked so they gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge”
“Well”, said the barber “I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope”
“Actually we were very lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if we could step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, 5 minutes later His Holiness stepped through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he leaned over to speak a few words with me”
“Really”, asked the barber, “What did he say?”
He said “Who gave you that crap haircut?”
21-
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
22-
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and replies "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and
quickly responds "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."
23-
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, "Lets see, youre Mr. Jones, the engineer. Weve been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.
"This is where youll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,
"Mr.Jones! You have sinned!" Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,
"Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out,
"Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
24-
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'" The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
25-
Two bishops were discussing the decline of morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergy-man, self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
26-
A millionaire who's a devout Catholic decides to go on a luxury trip to the Vatican City to see the Pope in person. He flies out to Rome first class and arrives in that St Peter's Square to listen to the Pope address the
faithful. Afterwards, the Pope comes among the people to meet and greet and deliver his blessings.
The millionaire is standing there, near the front, wearing his finest Armani suit and his best gold jewellery and his chest puffs up as the Pope approaches. However, the Pope stops just before him and starts talking to a stinking, scruffy old tramp who was standing nearby. The Pontiff put his hand on the tramp's shoulder and whispers in his ear, then leaves him and walks straight past the millionaire.
The rich guy was gutted so he found the tramp and said "Look, if I give you my clothes, can I have yours?" The tramp agreed and so the next day, the millionaire, in his smelly rags, awaited his audience with the Pope. Once again, the Pope came among the people, saw the millionaire, unrecognisable through the grime, put his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday".
27-
The Pope visits East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help." The Pope says "Speak my son; if I can guide you, I will". Bernard says "Look, your holiness, turkey doesn't seem to be as popular as it used to be at Christmas. Because of this I have been building up a stock of extra turkeys each year and I need to start selling them all year round.
I am willing to pay you 10 million pounds a year over 10 years to change a single word in the Lord's Prayer, to help me out."
The Pope looks quizzically at Bernard: "Pray continue, my son".
Bernard then says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. They'll have turkey more often, and I'll be sorted." The Pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years" The Pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..." Bernard now gets desperate and pleads.
"Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by 5 million pounds a year, and so on each 5 years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The Pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace".
The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves. The next day the Pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I have got us 20 million pounds a year..." A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The Pope replies, with a sigh "We've lost the Hovis account".
28-
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
29-
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.
Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Kevin!’
30-
Each year the priest and the rabbi got together to try and settle their differences. The priest would enter the rabbi’s house, take off his shoes and place them next to the rabbi’s and they would start their arguments. The rabbi, however was always hospitable and ensured that his guest had a few glasses of wine. But they could never agree and tempers became heated and the priest always left a turd in one of the rabbi’s shoes.
Come the day of the next meeting the rabbi says to the priest as he arrives, “Do you think this time we can be civilised about the whole thing?
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our
religions? This hatred? This animosity? "
"Can we for once have a balanced discussion without resorting to argument and without resorting to sheer pettiness and no more crapping in shoes and pissing in wine”
31-
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
32-
Who is better at the computer, Jesus or Satan?
To decide, God set up a test that would run two hours and judge who does the better job. So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
33-
A man in a synagogue: “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.”
“I don't know”, answers the rabbi. “Come back tomorrow, and I'll ask advice from God.”
The man comes back the next day.
“I can't help you”, says the rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem”.
34-
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up, the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)" The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says, "1 Shekel 50! ($0.42)"
The Pope looks surprised. "Why so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
35-
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.
When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I'll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"What? " Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement?"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
36-
One sunny summer day four rabbis are having a discussion on some part of the
Torah. Three agree on one explanation but the fourth one stands on the other. Being tired of this conversation he raises his arms and says, "God, give me a sign to prove that I'm right!"
Suddenly, thunder clouds appear out of nowhere and cover the sky. The three other rabbis think for a while and say, "Nah, that's just a coincidence"
So, the rabbi raises his hands again and screams, "God, please give these thickheads more proof that I'm right!"
Suddenly, a thunderbolt strikes a tree just in front of them but three rabbis say, "Well, there's always lightning coming with thunder, it's still must be a coincidence."
So, the rabbi raises his hands for the third time and says, "Oh, God, they are so stupid but you know I'm right, please give them a sign even they would understand."
Suddenly, a hole appears in the clouds right above them, bright light comes through it on the ground and a thunderlike voice from above says, "HE IS RIGHT!"
The other rabbis think for a while and then say, "Well, still it's three against two..."
37-
The Minister's sermon cautioned the parishioners against having sex on the Sabbath because it is work...not play.
That didn't seem quite right to Dave so he goes into a Catholic church and poses the question to a priest...is sex work or play?
"Sex is classified as work, my son, and must be avoided on the Sabbath," says the priest.
Dave thanks him for his counsel and wonders what the hell a priest knows about sex, so he decides to visit a synagogue. There he confronts Rabbie Garfein who can draw upon the wisdom of a religion nearly 6000 years old.
"Well, my boy," smiles the Rabbi. "Sex is most definitely play."
Naturally Dave is pleased with this answer but asks the Rabbi on what basis he is so certain that it is play...not work.
"My boy," sighs Rabbi Garfein, "if it were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
38-
What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
39-
The following are actual church bulletin bloopers:
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
26. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
40-
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
41-
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
42-
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.
Th e clouds part, a ray of sunshine beams down on him and a majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
43-
A Cambridge grad Ben dies and goes to Hell. The devil himself meets him surrounded by fire and lightning and offers to show the new boy around the place. They pass sights that are so horrible that they have not even been seen on channel 4, they hear sounds that would make mortals go insane with fear and they smell rotten and burning flesh everywhere.
Eventually they arrive at a door marked Oxbridge Graduates room, and wails and gnashing of teeth can be heard outside.
"This is where you will spend the rest of eternity." the devil smirks. Ben is obviously less than happy having to share all eternity with a bunch of Oxford boys, but says nothing and assumes that this is indeed hell. As Ben enters the room he notices that everyone is being force-fed lemonade with beer through straws; some people are being buggered senseless by large men with masks on; everyone however is wearing a duck egg blue scarf.
Ben slightly perturbed by the fact that no Oxford Grads seem to have gone to hell asks the prince of darkness "Why are there no Oxford grads in hell?"
"AAAHHH", said the devil "We used to have them until we realised this was their idea of heaven!"
44-
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and lets the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
45-
A middle aged woman is on the operating table for bypass surgery when she has a near-death experience. She is floating above the room and sees God. "Excuse me, God," she says, "Is this the end?"
"Oh no, my dear," says God. "You have another forty years to live."
When she recovers, she decides to remain in the hospital for a complete makeover, knowing she's going to be around for another forty years. She gets a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, new hairline, etc.
Leaving the hospital, she steps off the curb to cross to the parking lot and is immediately hit and killed by a speeding ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and is a bit upset. "You told me I had another forty years to live and now I'm dead! What's the big idea?"
"Sorry, my mistake ... I didn't recognize you."
46-
At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the bishop presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come, but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass, but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
47-
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from
overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'"
48-
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS ! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
49-
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there,
a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.
Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.
Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
50-
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
51-
MODERN WORLD RELIGIONS
Atheism Shit Happens.
Hare Krishna Shit Happens Rama Dama Ding Dong.
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Islam If shit happens, take a hostage.
Zen What is the sound of shit happening.
Buddhism When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism Confucius say, “Shit Happens”.
7th Day Adventist Shit happens on Saturdays.
Protestantism Shit won’t happen if I work harder.
Catholicism If shit happens, I deserve it.
Jehovah’s Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Unitarian What is this shit?
Judaism Why does shit always happen to me?
Mormon Shit happens again and again and again.
Rastafarian Let’s smoke this shit.
52-
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”, asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say......LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
53-
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather strict Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the
hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
54-
Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.
55-
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex."
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"
"Big tits" replied the Pope.
56-
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
57-
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
58-
Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door number two.
Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife."
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"
59-
This priest and a nun were travelling in the middle of the desert and all of a sudden the camel died. The nun and the priest looked around and decided that was it. They prayed and thought about it a bit more----then they decided to do something that they never did before. They decided to have sex.
So, the nun took her clothes off. She is so beautiful and curvacious. The priest took his clothes off. The nun took one look at the groin area and asked: "what is that?'. The priest took the thing with his hands and said: " Sister, this is what gives life!" The nun said:" Well why don't you stick it in the dead camel so we can get the fuck out of here!"
60-
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"
61-
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
62-
Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.
63-
A preacher stood up in front of his congregation one Sunday morning, looking really down in the mouth. He said, "I have heard some very disturbing rumors about me this past week and I feel I must address them this morning. I heard that one of my congregation has been going around saying that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan."
"This is just simply untrue and I would like the member who has been telling this fabrication to please stand and confess this lie to the congregation."
After a few minutes, a shapely blonde on the front pew timidly stands up and looks around at the congregation. She says, "I just don't know how my conversation got so misconstrued.
What I said was, 'The Pastor is a wizard under the sheets!'"
64-
Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "Geez! Fidel hasn't been in hell ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
65-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose,
1. cooked breakfast for his mate,
2. awakened the kids,
3. set out their school clothes,
4. fed them breakfast,
5. packed their lunches,
6. drove them to school,
7. came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
8. took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
9. went grocery shopping,
10. then drove home to put away the groceries,
11. pay the bills and balance the check book.
12. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and
13. he hurried to make the beds,
14. do the laundry,
15. vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
16. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
17. Set out cookies and milk and
18. got the kids organized to do their homework, then
19. set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30
20. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
21. breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper
22. he cleaned the kitchen,
23. ran the dishwasher,
24. folded laundry,
25. bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m.
26. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
66-
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy
67-
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
68-
This guy dies and goes to hell. Once he gets to the gates there is the Devil there waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled at this but walked in. "How was your trip? Not too hard on ya I hope." said the Devil. "It was OK." said the guy still a little puzzled.
"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Devil continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."
"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy completely confused. "Yes?" said Satan. "This is hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things than us down here, but they are basically the same thing." said the Devil. Still puzzled the guy continues to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT is THAT??" "Oh that." said Satan nonchalantly, "That is the 'fire and brimstone' room. It's for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
69-
One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!"
The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can't go back." "Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.
"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." Poof!
The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. "Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "! ! Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof!
The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. "Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.
"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."
70-
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
71-
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
72-
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?" "No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"
73-
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."
74-
After Moses and God were finished with their talk up on Mt. Sinai, Moses finished with this one last question.
"OK let me get this straight, the Arabs get all that oil, we have to cut the ends of our dicks off, right?"
"That's right."
"And WE'RE the 'chosen people'?"
75-
It was early one morning when the Vicar heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local copper and told him about the jackass laying before him. The copper couldn't resist jabbing at the Vicar: "I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead." Without hesitation, the Vicar said: "No, the first duty of a Minister is to notify the next of kin."
76-
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit."
77-
10 reasons why beer is better then religion
1. If you have a beer, you don't go around door to door trying to give it to someone else.
2. You can prove that you have a beer.
3. It is against the law to offer beer to little children who are not old enough to think for themselves.
4. Nobody has ever been hanged, tortured, or burned at the stake over his particular brand of beer.
5. If you have a beer, you don't have to wait over 2000 years for another one.
6. There are many laws that make them print the truth on beer labels.
7. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
8. Beer does not tell you when or how to have sex.
9. There have been virtually no major wars fought over beer.
10. If you have devoted your entire life to beer, there are groups you can join to help you stop!
78-
Moe: My wife converted me to religion."
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
79-
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and after dining in the restaurant he invited the waitress called Julie up to his room for drinks.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil - "Julie, the dining room waitress puts out!"
80-
A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks "Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?"
Billy replies "Oh, Father O'Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service"
81-
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The Rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks
"What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says :- "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
82-
A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always
portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"
"Well", says Mother Mary, "honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."
83-
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
84-
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
85-
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
86-
A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of
their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.
One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver. The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same. The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! "This is wonderful."
"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK. 'Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."
87-
There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm going to jump."
"Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live."
"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest.
"That's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well think about your job." says the Priest.
"There's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest. "Who's that?" asks the Irish man.
"Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest.
88-
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.
A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom."
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
89-
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
90-
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
91-
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly?" she asks him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"
92-
A man had been in business for many, many years and the business was going downhill rapidly. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. As his last ditch effort, he turned to his priest for advice.
He described all the details for the priest and asked the Priest what he should do.
The Priest replied, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read that page of the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he was told, putting absolute faith in the advice. He placed his beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped eventually open to a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and saw His answer.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Priest. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in a beautiful silk dress.
The man handed the Priest a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wanted to donate the money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest was delighted. He recognized the man and asked what advice in the Bible brought him this good fortune.
"Well, when I opened it up," said the fortunate businessman, "there was the answer: Chapter 11."
93-
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school??"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
94-
A priest gets a flat tyre fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."
The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then."
95-
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions.. .. A man walks in and kneels down - father, it has been two weeks since my last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father.
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins? Yes. You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys. The man leaves. Soon another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins - I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months. This time, priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?
Just a woman I know.
Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys. The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation giving the sermon. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest can not help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy -
Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and and says, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
96-
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
97-
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam? asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
Well....... now you know!
98-
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."
99-
In 2001 a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.
Now the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff"
100-
On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his
frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she
says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick the crap out of his fucking ass."
101-
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
102-
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
103-
A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgement. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder. "Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgement, and I couldn't help wondering why you're tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Them lads are from Ireland. Poor buggers are soaking wet, I'm having to dry them out first."
104-
An elderly man by the name of Mr. Murphy was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.
The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the Minister."
The son said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics."
"Get the Minister! Get the Minister!" the dying man repeated agitatedly.
"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I will call the priest."
The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked."
So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.
The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here."
The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?"
The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us."
105-
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
106-
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too"
107-
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
108-
A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he realises that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and
says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I must perform a necessary function."
The nun agrees, but looks a little puzzled. "Father, how will I know what penance to give to who?" The priest replies, "There's a little list on the wall. Consult it and it'll tell you what to do," and runs off.
A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my
neighbour." The nun looks at the list on the wall and finds stealing on the list. "Say two Hail Mary's and be on your way."
"This isn't too hard," she thinks to herself. A few minutes later, another fellow walks in. "Father forgive me, for I have sinned," he
says, "I have fornicated."
The nun looks on the list and finds fornication. "Say two Hail Mary's and an Our Father and be on your
way."
Then she starts thinking, "this isn't hard at all! I could do this more often!" A third man walks in and says, "Father forgive me, for I
have sinned. I had oral sex,"
The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously
and spots an altar boy. She pulls him aside and asks him, "What does the Father give for oral sex?"
"I don't know what he gives you, Sister, but he give me two Kit-Kats and a pat on the head."
109-
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He's assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the other monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the Abbot and points out that if someone males even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked-up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says: 'We've been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my Son.' So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. Eventually the young monk gets very worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall, crying uncontrollably. "Father, what's wrong?" enquires the young monk. With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies: . . . 'The word is: celebrate!'
110-
A wee boy is sitting at the edge of a cliff, eyes fixated at a burning car down on the rocks. A priest comes up to
him. 'Little boy' he said 'What's the matter?
Where's your mummy?' The boy pointed solemnly to the burning wreck 'Oh no' said the priest 'What about your daddy?'
Once more the boy pointed to the car 'Oh that's terrible' said the priest 'What about your brothers and sisters?' Again, the boy pointed at the burning car
Oh that's awful, little boy said the priest as he unzipped his fly 'It's just not your day is it!'
111-
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
112-
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
113-
Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
114-
Q: What's Catholic Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
115-
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
116-
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Catholic priests?
A: Guilt.
117-
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129! .
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
118-
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."
The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK.
He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you'd have reached up a little farther you'd have found a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
119-
A priest and a rabbi are in a train compartment on a long train journey.
They get talking and after a while, they get friendly and start swapping personal details.
The priest asks the rabbi, "There's something I've been wondering what with all your religion's kosher laws and that.... Have you ever had pork?"
"Well, I must confess," the rabbi answers. "One time I was away from home, I did try some."
"But tell me," the rabbi continues. "You're a priest, you've taken a vow of celibacy. Have you ever had sex?"
Sheepishly, the priest says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time, yes. Once. Long time ago."
"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?
120-
Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him,
"What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?"
The Doc smiled and said, "It means the Altar boy lied.
He wasn't a Virgin."
121-
After several years of serving the church in a far away land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York.
He set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes. On his way, a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."
The priest glares at her confused and says, "What's a blow job?"
The woman is just as confused and says, "What are you a comedian?" and walks off.
The priest, undaunted, walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister, blow job 25 bucks."
The priest quickly replies, "What is this blow job!?"
The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.
The priest, now very curious, returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly a "blow job" is.
The priest sees the mother superior and says, "I have a question -- What's a blow job?"
Mother superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper. "Same as on the outside...25 Bucks."
122-
The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.
123-
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. '
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!' The contractor is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty. 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
124-
Little Billy goes in confessional, kneels down & says
"Bless Me father I have no sins but I need help wit