Politics
1-
A man walked into a country bar and ordered a beer just as Tony Blair appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Cherie Blair appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Blair country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
2-
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off of his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a huge hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
3-
A guy walks in to a pub and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says "Yep,
that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" And Bush says, "Were planning world war 3" And the guy says, "Really?
What's going to happen?" And Bush says, "Well, were going to kill 30 million Iraquis this time and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the
30 million Iraquis!
4-
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
5-
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
6-
Tony Blair (he of the supercilious grin) was visiting a local nursing home. Much to the embarrassment of the local civic dignitaries, and indeed to Saint Tony himself, no one seemed to know who he was.
Not to be put out our hero walked up to two of the residents who were sitting nearby. "Do you know who I am" he asked smiling all the while.
"No" they replied puzzled. "But if you go and see Matron she will be able to tell you, she keeps a list in the office with everyone's name on you know".
7-
Tony Blair died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Ian Paisley handcuffed to Marilyn Monroe.
When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told, "Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!"
8-
A quick easy to understand guide to political ideologies ;
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.
LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM:You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.
COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
9-
President Bush is flying back to the USA from a visit to Brazil. As Airforce 1 crosses over the Alabama coastline he looks down and sees 2 white guys in a speedboat towing a black guy. He instructs the pilot to descend to 100 feet and switch on the loudhailer system.
"Howdy guys, this is your president George W. I just wanted to say how much it gladdens my heart to see such a fine example of racial integration in Alabama. You all have a nice day now"
And Airforce 1 climbs back up to its cruising altitude of 30,000 feet.
One of the white guys in the boat turns to the other and says.
"You know, he may be a great president but he sure as hell knows fuck all about shark fishing"
10-
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr."
"Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully...
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
11-
Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Robert tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What happen to you?" Robert asks. "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
12-
Saddam Hussein, the Pope and Bush are the sole survivors of a plane crashing into the sea.
There is only one life jacket and they argue over who should get it.
Bush: "I should get the jacket because I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world"
Pope: "I think I should get it because I am the leader of the Catholic Church."
Saddam Hussein: "Lets vote on it"
Saddam won buy 12 votes.
13-
More Cows - What could you do with Two Cows?
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
CANADIAN
CAPITALISM:
You
have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?
CHINESE
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment,
high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
IRISH
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
ISRAELI
CAPITALISM:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice
cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
to become doctors. So, who needs people?
CUBAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
DISNEY
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They dance & sing.
MICROSOFT
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
HOLLYWOOD
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to
bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.
CLINTON
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
BUREAUCRATIC
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
GORE
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
REAL-WORLD
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours
bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most
"need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows
drop dead of starvation.
AUSTRALIAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
IRAQI
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
PERESTROIKA
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black
market.
JEWISH
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
MORMON
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
TEXAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
TOTALITARIAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk
is banned.
NEVADAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with
them.
JEHOVAH'S
WITNESS CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
BUREAUCRAT
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires
you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
REAL
CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows.
The
bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put
up as collateral.
ENVIRONMENTAL
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
CALIFORNIAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They are happy.
BUSH
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You
give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and
the lower class needs milk.
MARTHA
STEWART CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told
you the price of milk might go down.
AYN
RAND CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company.
After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well,
you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing
factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire
to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
14-
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance:
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
15-
This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation, but it is fun to decide what you would do.
The situation:
You are in Yorkshire, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructure destroyed.
You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble across an Airforce helicopter crash.
It's Tony Blair and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have the choice of rescuing
him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a Prime Minister.
The question is:
What shutter speed would you use?
16-
Tony Blair is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Prime
Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor comes along and knocks
him down dead, that would be a tragedy."
No, says Tony, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not explains Tony. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Blair searches the room.
Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??.
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If an Air Force jet, carrying Mr. &
Mrs. Blair was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic, exclaims Tony that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.
"Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
17-
A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.
18-
At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties."
"What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
"Read my lips: No more Bush."
19-
Tony Blair goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa.
At the airport he is met by this country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Tony realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.
At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, "Mr.President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?"
The President looks Blair straight in the eye and says, "Well you know that may be true Prime Minister, but I was just as puzzled
as to why you have a Minister of Health?"
20-
Cherie Blaire died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that?
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony's clock?" Cherie asked.
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
21-
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the new shop assistant: “I’ve got a dress for you to clean.”
Slightly hard of hearing, the aged assistant replies, “Come again?”
“No,” says Monica. “Mustard.”
22-
Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, George carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks him in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on George’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens.
Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. George falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" George says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
23-
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials.
Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women; he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
24-
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Member of Parliament into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
25-
A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...
Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy
moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"
The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."
26-
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
27-
Q. Tony Blair and the Labour Party Cabinet take a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A. Great Britain
28-
Two Palestinian girls are walking down the street in
Jerusalem, their flowing gowns blowing in the wind. One turns to the other and says "does my bomb look big in this?"
29-
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service"... the act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . . . and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having his cows serviced by a bull.
SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us! And I'll tell you one thing, the cows enjoy it far more than I do.
30-
How do you get 20 Government Cabinet Members in a mini-van?
Promote one to Prime Minister and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
31-
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
32-
A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tyre in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman: "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do", replied the salesman. "You New Labour or a Tory?", asked the old man. "A Tory", replied the salesman. "Get stuffed!", yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer: "Tory" The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Tories in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were New Labour or Tory. "Labour!", shouted the salesman. "Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?", she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a New Labour supporter for five minutes and already I want to fuck somebody!"
33-
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
34-
Bill Clinton was at home, sitting down flicking the channels over when he sees the Miss Universe contest on and starts to watch it. Then the phone rings suddenly. "Hello" Bill says.
A husky female voice breathes into the receiver. "I've always wanted to listen to your voice while masturbating, Mr. President" The voice purrs down the phone.
Bill looks shocked and says, "That's amazing, how did you know I was masturbating!"
35-
Where were the last two presidential balls held ?
On Monica Lewinsky's chin!
36-
One day Tony Blair was out jogging-and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Britain today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!" "I'll personally hand it to you," said Tony.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Blair.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No-but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."
37-
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly nice game."
The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
"Unreal," Clinton said, "But it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Trust me, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
38-
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took £200 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge £50."
"Fifty quid for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
39-
Many many years ago, around mid December, and Ireland has a new Minister for Foreign Affairs. For argument's sake let's just call him Rambo. He's only been in the job for a few months, and he's just about getting to grips with it, but he's still not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..
"Yeess..." Rambo says, a tad reticent after his secretary has explained that an American journalist is on line three.
"Good morning Minister. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I'd like to know what you want for a Christmas present."
"Eh, Christmas present... Eh... I'm very sorry Mike, I can't accept any gifts, we have this new rule about bribery and corruption and political favours, but thanks anyway."
"Yes, er, of course... I understand," said Mike, "bye then."
"Goodbye Mike, nice talking to you," Rambo said, thinking this was a tad unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal routine.
That evening the phone rings again.
"Yes, this is the Minister speaking..."
"Hello Minister. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm just wondering if you're really serious about what you said this morning?"
"Ah.. Hello... Eh.... yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, we're not allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and I don't want to cause any scandal. I'm very sorry, but I hope you understand..."
"Yes, of course... No problem... sorry... bye."
"Goodbye."
That was a bit weird, Rambo thought to himself. Didn't the journo believe what he had said? Maybe some misunderstanding. "Perhaps he had a problem with my Irish accent," he surmised.
The next morning the phone rings again.
"Yes, this is the Minister."
"Hello Minister. Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?"
"Yes I know, I know," he said, not without some irritation this time. "I thought I explained why I can't accept any gifts."
"Yeah you did, but I don't think you..."
"Yes, yes, I understand," Rambo said, quite angrily now. "I understand perfectly well. What do you want really? Do you want to get me shot, or what? Anyway, you won't have any success, I'll do this strictly by the book. No... Hold on a sec. Now I know. I want a fruit bowl!" (Thinking on his feet, Rambo is 100% sure that a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, it's not exactly worth thousands of punts is it, so it's hardly likely to cause any scandal.)
"A fruit bowl??? Are you serious?"
"Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything wrong with a fruit bowl?"
"No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe."
"Unusual??? Well that doesn't matter, does it?"
"No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye."
"Bye so, and eh, Merry Christmas."
The following week, Mike's article finally appears in the New York Times...
What The Foreign Ministers Around The World Want For Christmas.
During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies and governments overseas, and
asking their foreign Ministers what they want for Christmas. This is the result.
Great Britain: "Good economic welfare"
Germany: "Even better east-west relations"
France: "Free trade between Europe and the US."
Switzerland: "Better European cooperation, better US relations and world peace."
Sweden: "End of the starvation in the third world."
Belgium: "Better environmental care."
Ireland: "A fruit bowl."
40-
Dear Aunt Blabby...
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, I simply don't know what to do.
-- Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are a New York senator, you don't need him any more.
41-
Some time ago Bill Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
42-
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th-century coach, hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought... You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
43-
December 7, 2001: Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the strife-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For over a decade now the West has stood idly by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Mr Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough,' it is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The Christmas deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm", is set to begin early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities and citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E' please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George or Tom Humphries. This is my dream. "The airdrop represents the largest overseas deployment of any letter since 1984. During that summer the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
44-
The Australian Prime Minister, John Howard was in England meeting the Queen at Balmoral. They were discussing Australia and Howard's plans for the future.
Howard asked the queen if it was possible to turn Australia into a Kingdom to increase its force in the world market. The Queen replied, "One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a King."
He then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into an Empire. The Queen replies, "For an Empire one needs an Emperor you are most certainly not an Emperor."
Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, "For a principality
one needs a Prince and you Mr. Howard are certainly not a prince."
The Queen adds further, "Without meaning to be rude Mr. Howard I think -------Australia should remain as a country."
45-
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which of them had the greatest skill. The first stated: "Three years ago, I re-attached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I re-attached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third grinned sheepishly and said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles per
hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States."
46-
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
47-
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
48-
A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the
sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Iraqui hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here ?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Iraqui devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?!" he exclaims.
The response:
"Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to work for the government, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home..."
49-
John Prescott was late arriving for a Labour Party campaign meeting.
"Sorry Tony," he said breathlessly as he burst in through the door
huffing and puffing, "I let the missus drive one of the Jaguars and we
ended up having to stop and change a wheel. It was all her fault!"
"Puncture?" enquired Blair.
"Yeah I did," replied Prescott, "but the silly cow deserved
it!"
50-
Have you ever received one of those Nigerian scam letters? There’s a new variant now doing the rounds. Warning - Don’t send money.
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
DEAR SIR,
I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.
I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.
IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.
MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES.
MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.
WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER.
I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.
I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.
I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.
SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,
GEORGE WALKER BUSH
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email:
president@whitehouse.gov
51-
Sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it....."
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky, Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky, Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.
It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need, Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad), Bomb Iraq.
If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy, Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.
52-
During a propaganda tour of the U.S., George Bush visits a school to talk about his government's policies.
When he is finished he asks for questions, Bob's hand pops up. Mr. President, I have three questions:
1. How did you win the elections even though you got less votes ?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any evidence ?
3. Wouldn't you agree that the bombing of Hiroshima was the largest terrorist attack ever ?
Just then the bell rang for break and everyone left the classroom. When the break was over, President Bush asked for questions and this time Joey raised his hand.
Mr. President, I have five questions:
1. How did you win the elections even though you got less votes ?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any evidence ?
3. Wouldn't you agree that the bombing of Hiroshima was the largest terrorist attack ever ?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes before it usually does ?
5. Where's Bob ?
53-
The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles....
Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.
54-
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No beer, No bars, No radio, No television, No Playboy or Penthouse, No Teasers, No cricket, No rugby, No football, No basketball, No baseball, No golf, No dancing, No music, No bikinis on the beach, No nude beaches No summer mini skirts and braless beauties, No BBQ pork, No Ham, No bacon No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen seafood sticks, No Christmas.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower, You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shave your wife, Sand is everywhere, Sand gets into everything, You wipe your backside with your left hand without toilet paper, You can't shower to wash
off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, Your bride is picked by someone else, She smells just like your donkey, and your donkey has a better disposition.
Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get the 27 virgins and it all gets better! Nope.... no mystery here!!!
55-
CBS News reported Monday that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has challenged President Bush to a live international television and radio debate.
The biggest obstacle is, of course, the language barrier: neither of them speaks much English.
56-
"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon arrived in Washington Sunday night to give President Bush a 91-page book proving that Yasser Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say that President Bush has the book and is almost done colouring it."
57-
"The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand? How good can he be? His top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me."
58-
In the face of industrial action by members of the armed forces, the government has announced that the Fire Service will, as an interim measure, carry out military operations in Iraq.
The army, who have demanded a 40% pay increase on the basis that their job has become rather more technical since 1945, will begin strike action next Thursday
unless a compromise pay deal can be agreed in the meantime. It is understood that they will spend their time standing around little bonfires, rubbing their hands together and waving at passing vehicles who honk their horns at them.
Crack Fire Service personnel, highly trained in playing darts, brewing tea and sliding down poles, are understood to be on standby to take up front line operations. Using their 'red goddess' vehicles instead of tanks, they will race towards Iraqi lines and attempt to annoy the enemy into surrendering by making a lot of noise and spraying them with water.
Prime Minister Tony Blair has already stated that the recent Fire Service strike proved that a vastly undermanned service with limited training and unsuitable equipment can perform the duties of a well-trained, well-equipped and well-manned professional force equally as efficiently and without loss of life.
When it was pointed out to him that the bright red fire engines might make an easy target for enemy fire, Mr. Blair said, 'Never mind, we've got too many firemen as it is... er, is that camera running?'
Asked for his comment, Britain's partner in the coalition in the war against Iraq, US President George W. Bush, said 'Ooh, can I have a go on the siren?'
59-
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL" Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
Beijing Saturday:- Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics"; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America", while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay', accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
60-
The Real Reason For the War in Iraq
One fateful day, Clare Short walked into a cabinet meeting.
Seeing that she was the only female in the room, she asked, "So, Gentlemen, shall we make love or war?"
The vote was unanimous.
61-
Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
62-
How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
63-
QUESTION: What's the difference between a British Jet Fighter and an Iraqi Jet Fighter?
ANSWER: Don't ask me, I'm an American.
64-
British Forces Quote of the Day
"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr" says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth".
65-
CNN/Reuters:
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade
teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.
Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
66-
A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away.
By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.
So...considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why did we send a bunch of old men who relied on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her.
She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologise for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.
Inspectors? You want the job done? Call my mother.
67-
In California 50 women protested against the war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word “Peace”
Right idea, wrong president.
68-
Just a Thought.....
What If Saddam Hussein survived the bombing last week, but lost a leg .
How pissed-off do you think his doubles would be?
69-
It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush administration.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter.
According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."
70-
President Bush just phoned Superman and asked him why he didn't save the astronauts in the Space Shuttle.
Superman replied, ''Cos I'm in a fucking wheelchair, you idiot.''
71-
Bush got a coded message from Saddam. It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning it upside down!
72-
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do... I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...
"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
73-
How does George Bush commit suicide?
He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
74-
'War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.''
75-
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."
76-
"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is."
77-
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
78-
A resolution was recently proposed in the UN to form a new union between the Turks and Kurds. This would create a new nation along the Iraq border to be called the Turds.
France vetoed the measure citing historical rights to the name.
79-
King George III's Response to the Declaration of Independence
The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
80-
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died".
So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President.
She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die".
So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
81-
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next.
A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
82-
The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).
Officials are warning travelers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler suits.
A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Hong Kong or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."
The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 550 lives in only six months, which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly affects only people who speak foreign languages, whereas SARS has made at least one English person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered much more serious.
The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do.
83-
Q: Who has blonde hair, surgically enhanced 32E boobs, and is the richest woman in Switzerland?
A: Saddam Hussein.
84-
OSAMA EMAIL
FROM: bin Laden, Osama
TO: All Al Qaeda Fighters
SUBJECT: The Cave
*** Do not distribute outside the Organization. ***
Hi Guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rotation. Have you??
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing that "Wassup" thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought some Kraft Singles recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the package, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two slices of cheese were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that "the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in the future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
85-
The British Press
The Financial Times is read by the people who own the country;
The Times is read by the people who run the country;
The Telegraph is read by the people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they should run the country;
The Independent is read by people who don't know who runs the country but think it should be someone else;
The Morning Star is read by people who think the country should be run by Russia;
The Express is read by people who think the country should be run like it was in the good old days of the empire;
The Sun is read by people who don't care who runs the country as long as she has big tits...
86-
A Billion Put Into Perspective
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion pounds ago was only 18 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Whitehall spends it.
87-
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden? Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S.corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians -hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if hey cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French Fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attached Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head.
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works, Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Good night, Daddy.
89-
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. The electricity's been off for a month anyway.
90-
President Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
President Bush thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
President Bush continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the
theater?"
91
News flash: A government spokesman has announced that a number of male porn stars are to be arrested. The spokesman confirmed that ministers have viewed the videotape evidence.
The tapes conclusively show that these men have, “Weapons of Ass Destruction.”
92-
Saddam's Family
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair
Among the sisters:
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute
Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
93-
At the White House press conference:
"President Bush, do you have any proof that Iraq possesses the weapons of mass destruction?"
"Yes, we saved the sales receipts."
94-
When advised that France had announced it would not assist, become allied with or otherwise support the US in any war on Iraq, Ross Perot reportedly said:
"Having to go to war without France is sorta like having to go deer hunting without an accordion."
‘Cheese-eating surrender-monkeys’
95-
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.
I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours.
96-
An assistant on the freshman Senator's staff walked into his office one morning with a thick legal pad. After discussing a number of legislative issues, the woman asked, "What do you want to do about the abortion bill?"
"Well," replied the Senator, "I suppose we ought to pay it."
97-
Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
98-
Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said,
"Mr. President, I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did the banners say?" President Bush asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
"You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called," President Bush responded. "Last night I, too, had a similar dream. I dreamed I saw all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined.
"It had been rebuilt completely and on each house was an enormous banner." "What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
"I don't know," replied President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."
99-
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
100-
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales .
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
101-
Donald Rumsfeld's Iraq Dictionary
Slog (Leek) v. To make agonizingly slow progress, such as a trying to get through a press conference without getting caught in another lie.
Progress (lie-ing-yor-ass-off) n. 1. Moving towards a fixed date, vaguely after the next election sometime. 2. All the news other than the constant failures and attacks you didn't plan on.
Exit Strategy (quayg-mi-er)n. Vague timetable for completion of task, sometime after the next election. See also: Vietnam
Unimportant (fale-yur) adj. Things that cannot be found. See also: Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden
People of Iraq (hall-i-burr-tawn) n. Excuse for remaining in place until oil contracts are secure.
Irrelevant (wine-ing) adj. Countries and organizations that will not blindly do your bidding.
Diplomacy (skrood-up) n. 1. Peaceful and productive interactions between countries, often involving listening rather than demanding. 2. Something not seen since January 2001.
Real Situation in Iraq (un-fare) n. Something damn media keeps reporting on, except for that brilliant FAUX NEWS.
Evil (eks-kews) adj. Dictatorial governments that suppress human rights but do not sell us oil or serve a convenient political purpose.
Strong Leadership (chik-en-hok) adj. 1. What you keep telling people you have in order to cover up your failures. 2. What you keep saying until the next election.
9-11 (Miss-yews) n. 1. Event that can be used to justify wars and political campaigns that have no relation to it. 2. Something Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with, but you keep saying in the same breath as his name anyway.
Truth (Spin) n. ?
102-
THE TITANIC VIDEO AND THE CLINTON VIDEO
Alas, which one to buy???
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ...basically the same thing
103-
Former British Foreign Secretary, George Brown once asked a glamorous figure in a purple dress for a dance at an official reception.
"There are three reasons I will not dance with you," he was told. "One, you are very drunk. Two, they are playing the national anthem and, three, I am the Archbishop of Lima."
104-
We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
105-
After the surprise visit to the troops in Iraq at Thanksgiving, George Dubya Bush was on his way home. The pilot of Air Force One changed the course, due to inclement weather, and they flew several thousand miles south of their normal course. After awhile, the storms let up, and the pilot informed Dubya that, since they'd flown so far off their normal course, Air Force One was running low on fuel. They would be landing at Moody Air Force Base in Georgia to refuel, which would take about an hour. Dubya decided to visit the men at the base, figuring it was only fair, since he'd visited the troops in Iraq. While visiting with the men, he suddenly felt a call from Nature. He went to the nearest facilities to relieve himself, and found himself standing at a urinal right next to a large black sergeant.
Dubya looked over and observed that the black guy next to him had the stereotypical huge unit. So he asked him why black guys have such big dicks. The black guy says, "Well, it's like this, Mr. President. It's because of the way we fuck. We jam it in quick, but then pull it out slowly. Then we jam it in quick again, and pull it out slowly. We keep doing it that way, which stretches it just a bit each time, and after a while, it gets this big."
So Dubya decided to try this. After returning to the White House, he followed this technique whenever he allowed Laura the privilege of servicing him. He checked his length every day, but observed no increase. Finally, on Christmas Eve, he asked Laura if she has noticed anything
different.
"Yes, for the past three weeks or so you've been fucking like a nigger!"
106-
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said: "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said: "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said: "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
107-
After the Micro-Surgeons conference in New York the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk as skunks began to reminisce over their greatest feats.
The first, An English surgeon explained :
"We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body, and ultimately when he returned to the workforce he was so efficient that he put 5 men out of work.
"That's nothing " added the American surgeon,
"We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the workforce : He is so efficient now he has put 50 men out of work.
The Irish surgeon not to be out done:
"I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart, so, I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all, we wrapped an asshole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body to one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into a guy called Charlie Haughey (Irish Prime Minister), and he put a whole fucking country out of work.
108-
The speech Clinton should have given ?
My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing - explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own.
Did this really happen?
Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?
I balance the budget.
I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era?
Are you people kidding me?
And now you want an apology?
I don't think so.
But I'll tell you what I am sorry about - I'm sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better.
I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?
And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about sex.
If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood.
Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid.
I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex.
I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and release in what some might consider a high-stress job.
And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.
Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex.
Yeah, right, it's about lying.
Well, grow up.
People lie about sex.
And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury crimes.
But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick?
If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now.
But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only source of political legitimacy?
And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating.
And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want.
You want the truth?
You want to know what I really think?
Well, here it is.
The bitch gives great fucking head.
Thank you and goodnight.
109-
The British government is considering the the introduction of two new, but unconnected laws:
The raising of the age when cigarettes can be legally bought from 16 to 18.
The lowering of the age of consent for (male) homosexual sex from 18 to 16.
"Isn't it ironic that it will be illegal for anyone to put a cigarette in their mouth until they're 18, but they'll be able to have a fag up the arse at 16 !"
110-
A genuine quote from BBC Breakfast Time yesterday morning:
"George Bush has ordered an enquiry. He is unhappy with the intelligence he
was given".
Well if you're at the back of the queue......
111-
Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
"Number 1 - He played the sax.
"Number 2 - He smoked weed.
"and Number 3 - He messed with ugly white women."
"Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't;
And, he gets a check from the government every month."
112-
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says: "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says: "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers: "My son watches this show
'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks and Asians but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi and whispers back: ..."It's because it takes place in the future...."
113-
Quotes from George “Dubya” Bush
It's clearly a budget. It's got lots of numbers in it
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
The crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.
A low voter turn-out is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
One of the greatest things about books is sometimes there are fantastic pictures.
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.
The senator (John McCain) has to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.
We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared".
Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know them.
It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.
When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The