Politics
1-
A man walked into a country bar and ordered a beer just as Tony Blair appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Cherie Blair appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Blair country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
2-
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off of his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a huge hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
3-
A guy walks in to a pub and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says "Yep,
that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" And Bush says, "Were planning world war 3" And the guy says, "Really?
What's going to happen?" And Bush says, "Well, were going to kill 30 million Iraquis this time and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the
30 million Iraquis!
4-
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
5-
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
6-
Tony Blair (he of the supercilious grin) was visiting a local nursing home. Much to the embarrassment of the local civic dignitaries, and indeed to Saint Tony himself, no one seemed to know who he was.
Not to be put out our hero walked up to two of the residents who were sitting nearby. "Do you know who I am" he asked smiling all the while.
"No" they replied puzzled. "But if you go and see Matron she will be able to tell you, she keeps a list in the office with everyone's name on you know".
7-
Tony Blair died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Ian Paisley handcuffed to Marilyn Monroe.
When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told, "Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!"
8-
A quick easy to understand guide to political ideologies ;
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.
LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM:You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.
COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
9-
President Bush is flying back to the USA from a visit to Brazil. As Airforce 1 crosses over the Alabama coastline he looks down and sees 2 white guys in a speedboat towing a black guy. He instructs the pilot to descend to 100 feet and switch on the loudhailer system.
"Howdy guys, this is your president George W. I just wanted to say how much it gladdens my heart to see such a fine example of racial integration in Alabama. You all have a nice day now"
And Airforce 1 climbs back up to its cruising altitude of 30,000 feet.
One of the white guys in the boat turns to the other and says.
"You know, he may be a great president but he sure as hell knows fuck all about shark fishing"
10-
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr."
"Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully...
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
11-
Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Robert tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What happen to you?" Robert asks. "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
12-
Saddam Hussein, the Pope and Bush are the sole survivors of a plane crashing into the sea.
There is only one life jacket and they argue over who should get it.
Bush: "I should get the jacket because I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world"
Pope: "I think I should get it because I am the leader of the Catholic Church."
Saddam Hussein: "Lets vote on it"
Saddam won buy 12 votes.
13-
More Cows - What could you do with Two Cows?
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
CANADIAN
CAPITALISM:
You
have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?
CHINESE
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment,
high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
IRISH
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
ISRAELI
CAPITALISM:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice
cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
to become doctors. So, who needs people?
CUBAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
DISNEY
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They dance & sing.
MICROSOFT
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
HOLLYWOOD
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to
bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.
CLINTON
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
BUREAUCRATIC
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
GORE
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
REAL-WORLD
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours
bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most
"need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows
drop dead of starvation.
AUSTRALIAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
IRAQI
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
PERESTROIKA
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black
market.
JEWISH
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
MORMON
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
TEXAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
TOTALITARIAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk
is banned.
NEVADAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with
them.
JEHOVAH'S
WITNESS CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
BUREAUCRAT
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires
you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
REAL
CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows.
The
bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put
up as collateral.
ENVIRONMENTAL
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
CALIFORNIAN
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. They are happy.
BUSH
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You
give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and
the lower class needs milk.
MARTHA
STEWART CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told
you the price of milk might go down.
AYN
RAND CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company.
After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well,
you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing
factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire
to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
14-
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance:
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
15-
This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation, but it is fun to decide what you would do.
The situation:
You are in Yorkshire, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructure destroyed.
You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble across an Airforce helicopter crash.
It's Tony Blair and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have the choice of rescuing
him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a Prime Minister.
The question is:
What shutter speed would you use?
16-
Tony Blair is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Prime
Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor comes along and knocks
him down dead, that would be a tragedy."
No, says Tony, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not explains Tony. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Blair searches the room.
Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??.
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If an Air Force jet, carrying Mr. &
Mrs. Blair was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic, exclaims Tony that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.
"Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
17-
A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.
18-
At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties."
"What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
"Read my lips: No more Bush."
19-
Tony Blair goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa.
At the airport he is met by this country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Tony realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.
At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, "Mr.President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?"
The President looks Blair straight in the eye and says, "Well you know that may be true Prime Minister, but I was just as puzzled
as to why you have a Minister of Health?"
20-
Cherie Blaire died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that?
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony's clock?" Cherie asked.
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
21-
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the new shop assistant: “I’ve got a dress for you to clean.”
Slightly hard of hearing, the aged assistant replies, “Come again?”
“No,” says Monica. “Mustard.”
22-
Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, George carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks him in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on George’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens.
Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. George falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" George says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
23-
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials.
Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women; he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
24-
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Member of Parliament into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
25-
A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...
Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy
moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"
The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."
26-
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
27-
Q. Tony Blair and the Labour Party Cabinet take a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A. Great Britain
28-
Two Palestinian girls are walking down the street in
Jerusalem, their flowing gowns blowing in the wind. One turns to the other and says "does my bomb look big in this?"
29-
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service"... the act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . . . and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having his cows serviced by a bull.
SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us! And I'll tell you one thing, the cows enjoy it far more than I do.
30-
How do you get 20 Government Cabinet Members in a mini-van?
Promote one to Prime Minister and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
31-
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
32-
A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tyre in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman: "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do", replied the salesman. "You New Labour or a Tory?", asked the old man. "A Tory", replied the salesman. "Get stuffed!", yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer: "Tory" The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Tories in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were New Labour or Tory. "Labour!", shouted the salesman. "Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?", she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a New Labour supporter for five minutes and already I want to fuck somebody!"
33-
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
34-
Bill Clinton was at home, sitting down flicking the channels over when he sees the Miss Universe contest on and starts to watch it. Then the phone rings suddenly. "Hello" Bill says.
A husky female voice breathes into the receiver. "I've always wanted to listen to your voice while masturbating, Mr. President" The voice purrs down the phone.
Bill looks shocked and says, "That's amazing, how did you know I was masturbating!"
35-
Where were the last two presidential balls held ?
On Monica Lewinsky's chin!
36-
One day Tony Blair was out jogging-and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Britain today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!" "I'll personally hand it to you," said Tony.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Blair.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No-but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."
37-
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly nice game."
The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
"Unreal," Clinton said, "But it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Trust me, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
38-
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took £200 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge £50."
"Fifty quid for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
39-
Many many years ago, around mid December, and Ireland has a new Minister for Foreign Affairs. For argument's sake let's just call him Rambo. He's only been in the job for a few months, and he's just about getting to grips with it, but he's still not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..
"Yeess..." Rambo says, a tad reticent after his secretary has explained that an American journalist is on line three.
"Good morning Minister. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I'd like to know what you want for a Christmas present."
"Eh, Christmas present... Eh... I'm very sorry Mike, I can't accept any gifts, we have this new rule about bribery and corruption and political favours, but thanks anyway."
"Yes, er, of course... I understand," said Mike, "bye then."
"Goodbye Mike, nice talking to you," Rambo said, thinking this was a tad unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal routine.
That evening the phone rings again.
"Yes, this is the Minister speaking..."
"Hello Minister. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm just wondering if you're really serious about what you said this morning?"
"Ah.. Hello... Eh.... yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, we're not allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and I don't want to cause any scandal. I'm very sorry, but I hope you understand..."
"Yes, of course... No problem... sorry... bye."
"Goodbye."
That was a bit weird, Rambo thought to himself. Didn't the journo believe what he had said? Maybe some misunderstanding. "Perhaps he had a problem with my Irish accent," he surmised.
The next morning the phone rings again.
"Yes, this is the Minister."
"Hello Minister. Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?"
"Yes I know, I know," he said, not without some irritation this time. "I thought I explained why I can't accept any gifts."
"Yeah you did, but I don't think you..."
"Yes, yes, I understand," Rambo said, quite angrily now. "I understand perfectly well. What do you want really? Do you want to get me shot, or what? Anyway, you won't have any success, I'll do this strictly by the book. No... Hold on a sec. Now I know. I want a fruit bowl!" (Thinking on his feet, Rambo is 100% sure that a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, it's not exactly worth thousands of punts is it, so it's hardly likely to cause any scandal.)
"A fruit bowl??? Are you serious?"
"Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything wrong with a fruit bowl?"
"No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe."
"Unusual??? Well that doesn't matter, does it?"
"No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye."
"Bye so, and eh, Merry Christmas."
The following week, Mike's article finally appears in the New York Times...
What The Foreign Ministers Around The World Want For Christmas.
During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies and governments overseas, and
asking their foreign Ministers what they want for Christmas. This is the result.
Great Britain: "Good economic welfare"
Germany: "Even better east-west relations"
France: "Free trade between Europe and the US."
Switzerland: "Better European cooperation, better US relations and world peace."
Sweden: "End of the starvation in the third world."
Belgium: "Better environmental care."
Ireland: "A fruit bowl."
40-
Dear Aunt Blabby...
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, I simply don't know what to do.
-- Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are a New York senator, you don't need him any more.
41-
Some time ago Bill Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
42-
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th-century coach, hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought... You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
43-
December 7, 2001: Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the strife-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For over a decade now the West has stood idly by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Mr Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough,' it is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The Christmas deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm", is set to begin early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities and citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E' please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George or Tom Humphries. This is my dream. "The airdrop represents the largest overseas deployment of any letter since 1984. During that summer the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
44-
The Australian Prime Minister, John Howard was in England meeting the Queen at Balmoral. They were discussing Australia and Howard's plans for the future.
Howard asked the queen if it was possible to turn Australia into a Kingdom to increase its force in the world market. The Queen replied, "One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a King."
He then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into an Empire. The Queen replies, "For an Empire one needs an Emperor you are most certainly not an Emperor."
Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, "For a principality
one needs a Prince and you Mr. Howard are certainly not a prince."
The Queen adds further, "Without meaning to be rude Mr. Howard I think -------Australia should remain as a country."
45-
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which of them had the greatest skill. The first stated: "Three years ago, I re-attached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I re-attached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third grinned sheepishly and said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles per
hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States."
46-
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
47-
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
48-
A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the
sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Iraqui hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here ?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Iraqui devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?!" he exclaims.
The response:
"Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to work for the government, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home..."
49-
John Prescott was late arriving for a Labour Party campaign meeting.
"Sorry Tony," he said breathlessly as he burst in through the door
huffing and puffing, "I let the missus drive one of the Jaguars and we
ended up having to stop and change a wheel. It was all her fault!"
"Puncture?" enquired Blair.
"Yeah I did," replied Prescott, "but the silly cow deserved
it!"
50-
Have you ever received one of those Nigerian scam letters? There’s a new variant now doing the rounds. Warning - Don’t send money.
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
DEAR SIR,
I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.
I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.
IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.
MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES.
MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.
WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER.
I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.
I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.
I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.
SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,
GEORGE WALKER BUSH
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email:
president@whitehouse.gov
51-
Sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it....."
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky, Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky, Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.
It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need, Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad), Bomb Iraq.
If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy, Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.
52-
During a propaganda tour of the U.S., George Bush visits a school to talk about his government's policies.
When he is finished he asks for questions, Bob's hand pops up. Mr. President, I have three questions:
1. How did you win the elections even though you got less votes ?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any evidence ?
3. Wouldn't you agree that the bombing of Hiroshima was the largest terrorist attack ever ?
Just then the bell rang for break and everyone left the classroom. When the break was over, President Bush asked for questions and this time Joey raised his hand.
Mr. President, I have five questions:
1. How did you win the elections even though you got less votes ?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any evidence ?
3. Wouldn't you agree that the bombing of Hiroshima was the largest terrorist attack ever ?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes before it usually does ?
5. Where's Bob ?
53-
The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles....
Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.
54-
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No beer, No bars, No radio, No television, No Playboy or Penthouse, No Teasers, No cricket, No rugby, No football, No basketball, No baseball, No golf, No dancing, No music, No bikinis on the beach, No nude beaches No summer mini skirts and braless beauties, No BBQ pork, No Ham, No bacon No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen seafood sticks, No Christmas.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower, You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shave your wife, Sand is everywhere, Sand gets into everything, You wipe your backside with your left hand without toilet paper, You can't shower to wash
off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, Your bride is picked by someone else, She smells just like your donkey, and your donkey has a better disposition.
Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get the 27 virgins and it all gets better! Nope.... no mystery here!!!
55-
CBS News reported Monday that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has challenged President Bush to a live international television and radio debate.
The biggest obstacle is, of course, the language barrier: neither of them speaks much English.
56-
"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon arrived in Washington Sunday night to give President Bush a 91-page book proving that Yasser Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say that President Bush has the book and is almost done colouring it."
57-
"The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand? How good can he be? His top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me."
58-
In the face of industrial action by members of the armed forces, the government has announced that the Fire Service will, as an interim measure, carry out military operations in Iraq.
The army, who have demanded a 40% pay increase on the basis that their job has become rather more technical since 1945, will begin strike action next Thursday
unless a compromise pay deal can be agreed in the meantime. It is understood that they will spend their time standing around little bonfires, rubbing their hands together and waving at passing vehicles who honk their horns at them.
Crack Fire Service personnel, highly trained in playing darts, brewing tea and sliding down poles, are understood to be on standby to take up front line operations. Using their 'red goddess' vehicles instead of tanks, they will race towards Iraqi lines and attempt to annoy the enemy into surrendering by making a lot of noise and spraying them with water.
Prime Minister Tony Blair has already stated that the recent Fire Service strike proved that a vastly undermanned service with limited training and unsuitable equipment can perform the duties of a well-trained, well-equipped and well-manned professional force equally as efficiently and without loss of life.
When it was pointed out to him that the bright red fire engines might make an easy target for enemy fire, Mr. Blair said, 'Never mind, we've got too many firemen as it is... er, is that camera running?'
Asked for his comment, Britain's partner in the coalition in the war against Iraq, US President George W. Bush, said 'Ooh, can I have a go on the siren?'
59-
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL" Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
Beijing Saturday:- Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics"; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America", while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay', accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
60-
The Real Reason For the War in Iraq
One fateful day, Clare Short walked into a cabinet meeting.
Seeing that she was the only female in the room, she asked, "So, Gentlemen, shall we make love or war?"
The vote was unanimous.
61-
Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
62-
How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
63-
QUESTION: What's the difference between a British Jet Fighter and an Iraqi Jet Fighter?
ANSWER: Don't ask me, I'm an American.
64-
British Forces Quote of the Day
"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr" says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth".
65-
CNN/Reuters:
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade
teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.
Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
66-
A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away.
By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.
So...considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why did we send a bunch of old men who relied on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her.
She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologise for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.
Inspectors? You want the job done? Call my mother.
67-
In California 50 women protested against the war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word “Peace”
Right idea, wrong president.
68-
Just a Thought.....
What If Saddam Hussein survived the bombing last week, but lost a leg .
How pissed-off do you think his doubles would be?
69-
It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush administration.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter.
According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."
70-
President Bush just phoned Superman and asked him why he didn't save the astronauts in the Space Shuttle.
Superman replied, ''Cos I'm in a fucking wheelchair, you idiot.''
71-
Bush got a coded message from Saddam. It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning it upside down!
72-
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do... I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...
"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
73-
How does George Bush commit suicide?
He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
74-
'War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.''
75-
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."
76-
"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is."
77-
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
78-
A resolution was recently proposed in the UN to form a new union between the Turks and Kurds. This would create a new nation along the Iraq border to be called the Turds.
France vetoed the measure citing historical rights to the name.
79-
King George III's Response to the Declaration of Independence
The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
80-
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died".
So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President.
She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die".
So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
81-
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next.
A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
82-
The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).
Officials are warning travelers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler suits.
A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Hong Kong or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."
The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 550 lives in only six months, which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly affects only people who speak foreign languages, whereas SARS has made at least one English person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered much more serious.
The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do.
83-
Q: Who has blonde hair, surgically enhanced 32E boobs, and is the richest woman in Switzerland?
A: Saddam Hussein.
84-
OSAMA EMAIL
FROM: bin Laden, Osama
TO: All Al Qaeda Fighters
SUBJECT: The Cave
*** Do not distribute outside the Organization. ***
Hi Guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rotation. Have you??
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing that "Wassup" thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought some Kraft Singles recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the package, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two slices of cheese were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that "the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in the future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
85-
The British Press
The Financial Times is read by the people who own the country;
The Times is read by the people who run the country;
The Telegraph is read by the people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they should run the country;
The Independent is read by people who don't know who runs the country but think it should be someone else;
The Morning Star is read by people who think the country should be run by Russia;
The Express is read by people who think the country should be run like it was in the good old days of the empire;
The Sun is read by people who don't care who runs the country as long as she has big tits...
86-
A Billion Put Into Perspective
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion pounds ago was only 18 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Whitehall spends it.
87-
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden? Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S.corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians -hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if hey cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French Fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attached Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head.
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works, Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Good night, Daddy.
89-
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. The electricity's been off for a month anyway.
90-
President Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
President Bush thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
President Bush continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the
theater?"
91
News flash: A government spokesman has announced that a number of male porn stars are to be arrested. The spokesman confirmed that ministers have viewed the videotape evidence.
The tapes conclusively show that these men have, “Weapons of Ass Destruction.”
92-
Saddam's Family
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair
Among the sisters:
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute
Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
93-
At the White House press conference:
"President Bush, do you have any proof that Iraq possesses the weapons of mass destruction?"
"Yes, we saved the sales receipts."
94-
When advised that France had announced it would not assist, become allied with or otherwise support the US in any war on Iraq, Ross Perot reportedly said:
"Having to go to war without France is sorta like having to go deer hunting without an accordion."
‘Cheese-eating surrender-monkeys’
95-
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.
I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours.
96-
An assistant on the freshman Senator's staff walked into his office one morning with a thick legal pad. After discussing a number of legislative issues, the woman asked, "What do you want to do about the abortion bill?"
"Well," replied the Senator, "I suppose we ought to pay it."
97-
Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
98-
Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said,
"Mr. President, I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did the banners say?" President Bush asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
"You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called," President Bush responded. "Last night I, too, had a similar dream. I dreamed I saw all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined.
"It had been rebuilt completely and on each house was an enormous banner." "What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
"I don't know," replied President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."
99-
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
100-
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales .
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
101-
Donald Rumsfeld's Iraq Dictionary
Slog (Leek) v. To make agonizingly slow progress, such as a trying to get through a press conference without getting caught in another lie.
Progress (lie-ing-yor-ass-off) n. 1. Moving towards a fixed date, vaguely after the next election sometime. 2. All the news other than the constant failures and attacks you didn't plan on.
Exit Strategy (quayg-mi-er)n. Vague timetable for completion of task, sometime after the next election. See also: Vietnam
Unimportant (fale-yur) adj. Things that cannot be found. See also: Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden
People of Iraq (hall-i-burr-tawn) n. Excuse for remaining in place until oil contracts are secure.
Irrelevant (wine-ing) adj. Countries and organizations that will not blindly do your bidding.
Diplomacy (skrood-up) n. 1. Peaceful and productive interactions between countries, often involving listening rather than demanding. 2. Something not seen since January 2001.
Real Situation in Iraq (un-fare) n. Something damn media keeps reporting on, except for that brilliant FAUX NEWS.
Evil (eks-kews) adj. Dictatorial governments that suppress human rights but do not sell us oil or serve a convenient political purpose.
Strong Leadership (chik-en-hok) adj. 1. What you keep telling people you have in order to cover up your failures. 2. What you keep saying until the next election.
9-11 (Miss-yews) n. 1. Event that can be used to justify wars and political campaigns that have no relation to it. 2. Something Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with, but you keep saying in the same breath as his name anyway.
Truth (Spin) n. ?
102-
THE TITANIC VIDEO AND THE CLINTON VIDEO
Alas, which one to buy???
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ...basically the same thing
103-
Former British Foreign Secretary, George Brown once asked a glamorous figure in a purple dress for a dance at an official reception.
"There are three reasons I will not dance with you," he was told. "One, you are very drunk. Two, they are playing the national anthem and, three, I am the Archbishop of Lima."
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We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
105-
After the surprise visit to the troops in Iraq at Thanksgiving, George Dubya Bush was on his way home. The pilot of Air Force One changed the course, due to inclement weather, and they flew several thousand miles south of their normal course. After awhile, the storms let up, and the pilot informed Dubya that, since they'd flown so far off their normal course, Air Force One was running low on fuel. They would be landing at Moody Air Force Base in Georgia to refuel, which would take about an hour. Dubya decided to visit the men at the base, figuring it was only fair, since he'd visited the troops in Iraq. While visiting with the men, he suddenly felt a call from Nature. He went to the nearest facilities to relieve himself, and found himself standing at a urinal right next to a large black sergeant.
Dubya looked over and observed that the black guy next to him had the stereotypical huge unit. So he asked him why black guys have such big dicks. The black guy says, "Well, it's like this, Mr. President. It's because of the way we fuck. We jam it in quick, but then pull it out slowly. Then we jam it in quick again, and pull it out slowly. We keep doing it that way, which stretches it just a bit each time, and after a while, it gets this big."
So Dubya decided to try this. After returning to the White House, he followed this technique whenever he allowed Laura the privilege of servicing him. He checked his length every day, but observed no increase. Finally, on Christmas Eve, he asked Laura if she has noticed anything
different.
"Yes, for the past three weeks or so you've been fucking like a nigger!"
106-
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said: "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said: "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said: "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
107-
After the Micro-Surgeons conference in New York the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk as skunks began to reminisce over their greatest feats.
The first, An English surgeon explained :
"We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body, and ultimately when he returned to the workforce he was so efficient that he put 5 men out of work.
"That's nothing " added the American surgeon,
"We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the workforce : He is so efficient now he has put 50 men out of work.
The Irish surgeon not to be out done:
"I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart, so, I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all, we wrapped an asshole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body to one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into a guy called Charlie Haughey (Irish Prime Minister), and he put a whole fucking country out of work.
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The speech Clinton should have given ?
My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing - explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own.
Did this really happen?
Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?
I balance the budget.
I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era?
Are you people kidding me?
And now you want an apology?
I don't think so.
But I'll tell you what I am sorry about - I'm sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better.
I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?
And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about sex.
If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood.
Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid.
I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex.
I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and release in what some might consider a high-stress job.
And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.
Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex.
Yeah, right, it's about lying.
Well, grow up.
People lie about sex.
And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury crimes.
But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick?
If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now.
But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only source of political legitimacy?
And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating.
And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want.
You want the truth?
You want to know what I really think?
Well, here it is.
The bitch gives great fucking head.
Thank you and goodnight.
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The British government is considering the the introduction of two new, but unconnected laws:
The raising of the age when cigarettes can be legally bought from 16 to 18.
The lowering of the age of consent for (male) homosexual sex from 18 to 16.
"Isn't it ironic that it will be illegal for anyone to put a cigarette in their mouth until they're 18, but they'll be able to have a fag up the arse at 16 !"
110-
A genuine quote from BBC Breakfast Time yesterday morning:
"George Bush has ordered an enquiry. He is unhappy with the intelligence he
was given".
Well if you're at the back of the queue......
111-
Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
"Number 1 - He played the sax.
"Number 2 - He smoked weed.
"and Number 3 - He messed with ugly white women."
"Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't;
And, he gets a check from the government every month."
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The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says: "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says: "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers: "My son watches this show
'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks and Asians but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi and whispers back: ..."It's because it takes place in the future...."
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Quotes from George “Dubya” Bush
It's clearly a budget. It's got lots of numbers in it
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
The crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.
A low voter turn-out is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
One of the greatest things about books is sometimes there are fantastic pictures.
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.
The senator (John McCain) has to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.
We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared".
Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know them.
It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.
When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
I think we agree, the past is over.
We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.
I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.
I understand small business growth. I was one.
Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.
Will the highways on the Internet become more few.
I am mindful of not only preserving executive power for myself, but for predecessors as well.
I hope the ambitious realise that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure.
The future will be better tomorrow.
Nigeria is an important continent
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Six presidents on a sinking ship
Ford: "What do we do?"
Bush: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan: "What lifeboats?"
Carter: "Women first!"
Nixon: "Screw the women!"
Clinton: "You think we have time?"
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George Bush, a man like a rock.
Only dumber.
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Question: How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and southerners?
Answer: Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behaviour.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....
(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Smith & Wesson Hollow Points?"
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EVIDENCE OF WMD IN SHIRE (Mordor Mail) - Mordor spies have uncovered evidence of a Weapon of Mass Destruction. In an interview yesterday, The Voice of Sauron said "We now have incontrovertible proof that the hobbits possess this weapon. Our spies have performed a detailed analysis of thintelligence and have found consistent references to 'Shire' and 'Baggins'."
When asked to comment on suggestions that the weapon was manufactured in Mordor, The Voice said "Mistakes may have been made in the past, but that does not release us from our obligation to deal with the very real threat which faces us today."
WEAPON INSPECTORS MOVE IN (Isengard Informer) - Officials are seeking confirmation from Mordor that nine weapon inspectors have been sent to The Shire to investigate the claims that the hobbits have the WMD. "We know it is there" said a senior government official, "we can sort of smell it."
The nine Weapon inspectors are expected to cross the River Isen shortly before midsummer's eve. No-one in The Shire was available for comment.
NO WMDs FOUND (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials were last night unrepentant about their decision to send weapon inspectors into The Shire. "Just because we didn't find anything, doesn't mean that it isn't there."
Officials now believe that the Weapon may have been moved into neighbouring territory and have issued a stern statement to other races not to interfere with the hunt for terrorists.
In a separate incident, officials have also released a recent picture of Gandalf The Grey. Tall and bearded, the wizard has been associated with the hobbits and is considered to be assisting them. "This man must be caught" said an official.
LEADERS IDENTIFY AXIS OF EVIL (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron issued a stern statement, seen as provocative by many. In it, he described Dwarves, Elves and Men as an 'Axis of Evil'. Intelligence sources believe that the three races could be harbouring a group of terrorists known as 'The Fellowship' and again issued a stern warning for them not to interfere.
"You're either with us - or against us" said The Voice. "There is no middle ground.".
Asked to comment on the statement, Lord Elrond replied "il-lasta. Suurohenulka."
Mordor officials have now appealed for anyone who can translate Quenya Elvish to contact them.
ISENGARD TO JOIN COALITION (Insengard Informer) - Saruman yesterday confirmed what many have suspected - that Isengard will be joining Sauron in the war of the ring. "Isengard has always had a 'special relationship' with Mordor and it is right that we stand shoulder to shoulder with Sauron at this difficult time" said Saruman in a statement yesterday.
Saruman also confirmed that armed forces would be prepared for battle. Though exact numbers and the nature of the battle itself were a closely guarded secret, an insider confirmed that they are to be armed and ready in two weeks.
WEAPON INSPECTORS WITHDRAWN (Mordor Mail) - Weapon inspectors have been pulled out of Northern Middle Earth. Officials have been frustrated by the lack of co-operation and have instructed them to return to Mordor. Sauron is
now considering his next strategy.
Reports of an incident on Weathertop which suggest that all nine inspectors were repelled by one man with a flaming brand have been denied. "We hear lots of stories like this and we think it's best to wait for the facts to emerge rather than pay lip-service to local gossip." said an un-named official.
Locals have said that, following the attack at Weathertop, several of the riders were seen floating down the River Bruinnen after being un-horsed by a single female Elf. Officials have refused to comment.
WE GOT HIM (Isengard Chronicle) - Scenes of jubilation at Isengard as reports of the capture of the bearded wizard are confirmed. "We knew it was only a matter of time" said Grishnakh, a senior orc. What surprised many was the nature of the capture.
It seems that after many months in the wilderness, the bearded wizard simply gave himself up and entered Isengard willingly. He is being held at an undisclosed location - believed by many to be on the top of Isengard itself. Early reports suggest that the wizard is refusing to co-operate.
INCURSIONS CONDEMNED BY ENTS (Isengard Chronicle) - The leader of the Ents yesterday condemned recent incursions into Fangorn. Suggesting that the attacks may have come from Isengard, Treebeard has called on Saruman to condemn them and issue assurances that they will stop.
Saruman confirmed that the attacks had taken place but refused to condemn them saying that the orcs had a right to defend themselves. He added that there were many documented incidents which show the trees in Fangorn to be hostile.
WIZARD ON THE LOOSE (Isengard Chronicle) - Embarrassed officials yesterday admitted that reports which heralded the capture of the bearded wizard, may have been premature. Early reports indicate that eagles assisted in a daring escape. There are suspicions that Gandalf may be hiding in the hills around Caradhras, though some reports suggest he is being protected by the Elves.
INSURGENCY CONTINUES (Isengard Chronicle) - The Voice of Sauron has called on the Elves to make a statement regarding allegations that a small number of insurgents were seen crossing the southern border into the vale of Moria.
The Elves released a statement following the incident but there is still no-one in Mordor who can understand what they said.
The Voice repeated his assertion that he believed the Elves to be part of an 'Axis of Evil' and called on the Elves to renounce violence in all its forms or face the consequences.
SHOCK AND AWE (Isengard Chronicle) - Saruman of Isengard was called to make a statement to Mordor yesterday following the failure of the planned "Shock and Awe" tactics. Expecting a quick end to the war, Isengard unleashed a Balrog of Morgoth into the mines of Moria, where the insurgents were believed to be holding out.
Unfortunately, the intense and dramatic display of power failed to have the desired effect and the insurgents appear to have escaped across a bridge which was later broken, preventing any pursuit.
Intelligence officials have stated that they believe the bearded wizard was killed in the attack but this has yet to be confirmed.
REGIME CHANGE LIKELY (Mordor Mail) - Frustrated by a lack of co-operation, The Voice of Sauron made his clearest indication yet that 'Regime Change' was a likely course of action in the battle to bring democracy to Gondor.
The people of Gondor are living under a dictatorship. They have no free will and no democratically elected leader.
Asked to comment on the apparent disparity between this view, and the fact that Sauron didn't actually win an election, The Voice replied "The people of Mordor have sworn an oath of allegiance to the Eye. All orcs understand the current situation and support the governments attempts to preserve democracy in all the lands of Middle Earth."
THE HUNT CONTINUES (Isengard Chronicle) - The whereabouts of the nine insurgents continues to mystify the Isengard government. Following the failure of the recent Shock and Awe tactic, nothing has been seen of any of the remaining eight rebels. Reports from within Moria suggest that the bearded wizard Gandalf may still be alive, though officials believe also
that recent sightings could be a look-alike.
PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AN OPTION (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron yesterday refused to rule out the option of 'pre-emptive strike' to bring neighbouring regions under the cover of 'democracy'. Recent skirmishes on the borders of
Mordor have led to increased tension in the area. "All options are being considered" said a spokesman.
SUPPORT FOR WILDMEN JUSTIFIED (Isengard Informer) - Saruman came out on the offensive following criticism of his support for the wildmen. "The horseman took their land and drove them into the hills to scratch a living off rocks" he was quoted as saying yesterday. Asked if he thought his strategy to 'burn every village' was likely to win hearts and minds, he said "History will be my judge."
In a separate incident, Saruman refused to comment on a leaked transcript of messages between Isengard and Mordor. Saruman insisted that in the first message (The old world will burn in the fires of industry. The forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Orc), his comments were taken out of context.
When asked to comment on the second message - "Rohan, my lord, is ready to fall". Saruman repeated "History will be my judge."
CLEAR LINKS BETWEEN GONDOR AND ROHAN (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron confirmed that Rohan is a legitimate target for military action. "There are clear links between Gondor and Rohan" said a spokesman. "Our leader has made clear the penalty for co-operation with a known enemy".
PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE ONLY OPTION (Isengard Informer) - Saruman confirmed last night that 10,000 orcs have been despatched to Rohan in a pre-emptive strike. So far they have met little resistance, however, this is expected to change as they approach the outskirts of Helm's Deep.
ROHAN LINKED TO WIZARD. WAR INEVITABLE (Mordor Mail) - Last night, intelligence reports confirmed that definite links exist between Rohan and the rebel wizard Gandalf. Although there is no empirical proof, Gandalf has been known to be riding a horse provided by the Rohan regime. The Voice of Sauron described the findings as 'significant' and warned of severe consequences if they are found to be true.
No comment was made regarding the search for the weapon of mass destruction.
ROHAN EXPELS ISENGARD DIPLOMAT (Isengard Informer) - War moved closer last night with news that Grima son of Galmod, the Isengard ambassador to Rohan was unceremoniously expelled from the capital of Edoras. "They flung me down the stairs" said a battered Grima. Saruman added "This proves the hostility and unpleasantness of these people and destroys any hope for peace."
WAR DECLARED. HELM'S DEEP FIRST (Isengard Informer) - Ten thousand orc troops are expected to descend on Helm's Deep before nightfall today. With only three hundred poorly trained Rohan soldiers to defend it, the war is not expected to last long. Saruman said this morning "I believe with every fibre of instinct and conviction I have, that the decision to go to war is the right one."
HELM'S DEEP MASSACRE DENIED (Isengard Informer) - Saruman continued to deny claims of a massacre at Helm's Deep insisting that only a small number of casualties were reported. "The troops withdrew in the face of unexpected strong opposition from the Rohirrim" said a spokesman. There were some casualties but they were fewer than those suffered by the Rohan regime.
Saruman dismissed the withdrawal as a minor setback and added that the decision had been taken because Helm's Deep was now considered 'strategically unimportant'.
ISENGARD ATTACK CONDEMNED (Mordor Mail) - Leaders across Mordor condemned a cowardly attack on Isengard. The incident left much of the surrounding area under water, and killed an unknown number of orcs. Two of the remaining
hobbit insurgents were believed to have masterminded the attack. It is understood that planes were used in the offensive - along with beeches, oaks, chestnuts and ashes.
WMD IN GONDOR (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron last night called on Denethor, steward of Gondor, to "come clean" about the weapon of mass destruction. Intelligence reports confirm that the weapon is hidden in Gondor. Saruman of Isengard also confirmed suspicions adding "Are we to believe that he doesn't have the weapon? That he would allow one of the other insurgents to carry it. I say that such a claim is palpably absurd."
The Voice of Sauron went on to clarify that the decision to go to war is a clear one. "We have provided the right diplomatic way through this, which is to lay down a clear ultimatum to Denethor: cooperate or face disarmament by force. All the way through we have tried to provide a diplomatic solution." The Voice went on later to say "should Denethor choose confrontation, the orcs of Mordor can know that every measure has been taken to avoid war."
WAR IN GONDOR (Mordor Mail) - War broke out in the early hours of this morning. Orc troops quickly took the city of Osgiliath after limited resistance. Military strategists are pausing to re-group. They are expected to move on to the capital city of Minas Tirith before dawn.
SUICIDE WARRIORS CONDEMNED (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials called on leaders across Middle Earth to condemn a suicide charge by a regiment of Gondor soldiers - promising that the perpetrators would be found and brought to justice. Using warriors in this ways signals a disturbing change of tactics by the Gondorians. "There can be no justification for this evil" said a spokesman.
DISBELIEF AS GONDOR RAISES DEAD (Mordor Mail) - Coalition leaders were united in their condemnation regarding the use of undead spirits to attack Mordor warriors. "What depths will these people stoop to? This is clearly in breach of the Mirkwood Accord" said an unnamed orc. Officials dismissed the incident saying that only a small number of insurgents remained. They also repeated their determination to stay until the job is done. "Do not stop the attack until the city is taken" an orc commander is quoted as saying.
GONDOR TACTICS AGAIN UNDER FIRE (Mordor Mail) - The death of the military commander of the Gondor assault was confirmed last night. Although significant, this is not considered a major setback. The Voice of Sauron described how The Witch King of Angmar was apparently slaughtered by a woman. A hobbit insurgent is also believed to have been involved in the attack. "It is unthinkable that these people now use women in their brutal offensives - at least we never thought they would think of it" said a source.
SARUMAN ANNOUNCES WMD INQUIRY (Isengard Informer) - Saruman the 'Whiter than White' finally bowed to overwhelming public calls for an inquiry into the decision to go to war. Maintaining that he still considered the war to be 'morally justified', he acknowledged the need for an inquiry.
He added: "I think we've done the right thing, not just because Rohan was a dangerous place under Theoden but also because the rest of the world needs to know that this issue will be tackled with firmness."
The inquiry will be far reaching and look into all aspects of the decision to go to war. Saruman the White confirmed that the inquiry would be handled by an independent review body, led by Grima son of Galmod.
WMD READY IN 45 MINUTES (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials confirmed yesterday that Aragorn, along with a small number of insurgents had gathered at the gates of Mordor. Terror alert status in Mordor was raised to "Code Orange" in anticipation of an attack.
Officials rejected advice of intelligence officials and refused to raise the alert level to "Code Red". While confirming some intelligence reports that the WMD may actually be inside Mordor itself, the dismissed the reports as erroneous. "We are confident that Aragorn still has the WMD" said the official in charge of the search.
Although he called for patience, he predicted that doubters were in for a "surprise" by the time his work was done.
TERROR ATTACK ON MORDOR (Isengard Informer) - Reports are flooding in of a terror attack in Mordor - believed to be the first attack on Mordor soil for several hundred years. Saruman The White issued the following statement.
"There have been the most terrible, shocking events taking place in Mordor within the last hour or so. I'm afraid we can only imagine the terror and the carnage there, and the many, many innocent orcs that will have lost their lives. I know that you would want to join with me in sending the deepest condolences to Sauron and to the Orcs on behalf of Isengard. It is
understood that shortly after the attack, the tower of Barad Dur along with the twin towers of Narchost and Carchost collapsed.
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TELEX - SECRET - Eyes only
ORIGIN: HIGH COMMAND, BRAZIL
FROM: OBERSTURMBAHNFUERHER H GRUBER
DATED: ANNIVERSARY OF HITLER'S BIRTHDAY 2003
DISTRIBUTION: ALL MEMBERS OF THE PARTY
REPLY: NONE REQUIRED
SUBJECT: A MAJOR VICTORY OVER EUROPE!
The European Union has just released news that an agreement has been reached for English to become the official language of the EU rather than German (the other possibility). I have to tell you that this is not the defeat it may appear.
As part of the negotiations, HM Government conceded to Bonn that English spelling may have some room for improvement and also accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules for the language, plus a total reclassification as EuroEnglish.
The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1: the soft 'c' will be replaced with 's'. Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump for joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'. This should klear-up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
In year 2: it is antisipated that public enthusiasm will grow as the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f' to reduse words by up to 20%, eg: 'fotograf'. This is also part of Europe's 'Green Master Plan' for redusing electrisity konsumption..
In year 3: publik akseptanse of the new EuroEnglish spelling kan be expekted to reakh a stage where more komplex changes bekome possible. Partisipating Euro Goverments will enkourage the removal of al double letters - which have long been recognised as a deterent to akurate speling.
Also: al partisipating Governments have agred that the horible mes kreated by silent 'e's in the language is wastful and will be a welkom elimination.
By year 4: people will be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v', zus saving even more keyboard spas!
In year 5: ze unesesary 'o' kan be droped from vords kontaing 'ou' and similar khanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ziz fifz year, ve vil hav a rely sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everyvun vil find it ezy to understand eakh ozer.
ZEN ZE DREAM OF ZE ZIRD REICH VIL HAV KOM TRU UND VE VIL HAV VON AFTER AL!
119-
Father Son Chat
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON - What's up, Dad?
DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say,
truthfully, that I scratched the car.
DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?
SON - From The President of the United States.
120-
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."!
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
121-
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Clark: This dead bulb is a serious national security problem. You can't fight terrorism in the dark. It's not just a one-sided mechanical problem, it's a vision problem. It's about persuading people that the light bulb needs to be changed. And I'm the only one of us who's gone out and bought light bulbs and changed them. I've changed them in Bosnia. Those Serb snipers kept shooting 'em out, and I put new ones right back in.
Dean: The insiders in Washington want you to believe that only they can change the light bulb! The power to bring light to this room is in your hands! It's time to take the ladder back! YOU HAVE THE POWER! YOU HAVE THE POWER! YEEAAAAAGGGGHHH!
Edwards: I have spent my life fighting against powerful special interests that keep you in the dark, that keep you from getting the light you deserve. Who's in the best position to change this light bulb, people who've spent their lives in politics, letting lobbyists write our energy bills, or someone who will stand up for you against these powerful interests that are taking your light away?
Gephardt: We need a whole new approach to lighting this room. We've had to deal with Republicans who say they want us to have light but don't want to pay for the bulb. We're not coming up with a long-term policy that will reduce our dependence on foreign-made light bulbs. And I've spent a lot of time at the top of a ladder thinking about how to get that done.
Graham: 10:58 - removed new bulb from box. 10:59 - climbed ladder, removed fixture, unscrewed old bulb. 11:00 - screwed new bulb in, replaced fixture. 11:01 - threw out old bulb. 11:02 - made sandwich.
Kerry: Eighteen months ago I voted not to change the light bulb, and I stand by that vote, because I trusted our president when he said the bulb did not need to be changed. Now I feel differently, and I realize that the bulb does need to be changed. I'm not in favor of putting in a 100-watt bulb. I believe what we need at this time is a 75-watt bulb. But these crooked, lying Republicans will tell you that you're un-American if you say we need light at all.
Kucinich: I'm telling you, compact fluorescents last three years on average and use one-fourth the power of incandescent bulbs. Why won't you listen to me?
Lieberman: Howard Dean would plunge us into an era of darkness that would last NINE HUNDRED YEARS.
Moseley Braun: At some point we have to show that women have a role in changing light bulbs too.
Sharpton: When you let this bulb go out, you let hope go out in the hearts of the disenfranchised people in this country who need light. They've got plenty of light up in the clubhouse, but they want to send the people out to the doghouse. They're afraid that if the light comes on, we'll see their hands in our pockets. You can't spell "greed" without "GE."
Bush: We've got a war going on. Now is not the time to be changing light bulbs.
Nader: These mass concentrations of power, privilege, and wealth have placed their rampaging global quest for maximum profits in the way of bringing light to the millions of excluded, expendable workers who make the bulbs and ... hey, wait! Where are you going? Come back here!
Roy Moore: All light comes from God.
122-
In light of the Madrid bombing and other events in Europe, France has raised its terror alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE" - the only two higher levels are "SURRENDER" and "COLLABORATE.
123-
THE ROBIN WILLIAMS PEACE PLAN
What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere" again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
124-
15-04-04 - Bin Laden offers 'Truce' to nations that cease to co-operate with the USA
16-04-04 - France announces an immediate rapprochement with the USA, paving the way for .................
19-04-04 - France ceases to co-operate with the USA, and accepts Bin Laden's offer of a truce
20-04-04 - New law makes burqas mandatory for all women in France; Paris fashion shows fold.
125-
S A D D A M ' S
I N T E R R O G A T I O N L O G S
BY BRIAN M. SACK
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 0735 hours
Colonel Beckwith and I decided to play Good Cop/Bad Cop again. I came into the room as Bad Cop and yelled at SH. He immediately laughed at me because last week when I came in I was Good Cop and had given him a sandwich. I tried to play it off that I had some heartburn and was still Good Cop but "just a little cranky." Colonel Beckwith tried to cover for me by entering the room as Bad Cop and yelling, but that didn't seem to work either. SH muttered something but wouldn't say what.
Interrogation terminated: 0749 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 1430 hours
I tried to break the will of SH by showing him an Iraqi newspaper editorial calling for his trial and punishment. SH told me that our Psychological Ops folks obviously printed a fake newspaper. I told him I swore that I bought the paper at an off-base coffeehouse. He insisted it was a fake. I told him I crossed my heart. He said he did not believe me. I asked him what I needed to do to prove to him that it was a real newspaper and he suggested taking him to the off-base coffeehouse to see it firsthand. I asked, but Gen. Farley said absolutely no way. SH didn't say anything else aside from asking how much my PsyOps newspaper subscription cost and if there were any PsyOps coupons in it. I asked where the WMD were and he suggested I look in my copy of PsyOps Weekly.
Interrogation terminated: 1540 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 0330 hours
Woke SH quite early to catch him off-guard and groggy. I asked, "What's your first name?" and he said, "Saddam." Again I asked, "What's your first name?" and he said, "Saddam." I kept asking, "What's your first name?" and he kept saying, "Saddam." Once I had a rhythm going, I quickly asked, "Where are the WMD?" and he said, "Saddam."
Interrogation terminated: 0338 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 2210 hours
I played chess with SH, who is not too bad a chess player. At one point, my bishop took his rook. I told him that in the U.S., when you lose your rook to a bishop, it is customary to divulge a little personal secret, like maybe where the WMD are. He said we weren't in the U.S., then he took my pawn with the horse piece.
Interrogation terminated: 0122 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 2000 hours
I told SH that we would be paid a visit by Baghdad's longest-running improvisational comedy troupe, and that they often ask for audience suggestions. I had one of the players ask SH for the name of something you'd return to a department store. He said "pliers." They did a quick scene about returning pliers, and then another "player" asked for a geographic location where one might hide WMDs. SH was quiet for a long time, and so I suggested Wal-Mart.
Interrogation terminated: 0122 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 1241 hours
After lunch, SH informed us he was willing to talk. Colonel Beckwith and I sat down with him. He spoke for quite some time and answered every question fully. We believe we have made great progress and we are researching the data.
Interrogation terminated: 1551 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 0940 hours
Colonel Beckwith and I told SH that we didn't think it was particularly funny that he had us looking for "Monkey Valley" and the "Camel Ass Testing Facility" when, it turned out, there were no such locations. Also, we told him we were unable to verify the existence of Mohammad Mohahaha and we do not believe his claims of having built an "infidel ray." We told him that, as a result of our disappointment, we would be denying his TV access. He said TV sucks anyway because they don't sing about him anymore.
Interrogation terminated: 1100 hours
- - - -
Interrogation commenced: 0250 hours
I roused SH from his slumbers and told him Tariq Aziz was on the phone and wanted to know where the VX gas was. Didn't bite.
Interrogation terminated: 0252 hours
126-
I had an Iraqi Curry last night and since then
I've had the Shi-ites
127-
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends. For those of you who don't remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster.
Hinckley recently received this letter from President Bush...
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.
Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital has reported that you are doing fine.
I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.
I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.
By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President
128-
Why Are We Still There?
Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?
The answer is clear.. we must pull out of California.
129-
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?"
Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee.
And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"...and deductions for masturbation.
130-
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective April 15th, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" $30.00 Luxury Tax
8 - 10" $25.00 Pole Tax
5 - 8" $15.00 Privilege Tax
4 - 5" $10.00 Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
1. Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
2. What if one's penis is self employed?
3. Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
4. Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
5. Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
131-
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
132-
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
133-
I have finally realized why this White House is so concerned over the Iraqi Prison abuse scandal.
They fear they have been caught doing something really serious--lying about sex.
Of course, they may point out that what the prisoners were forced to do was not sexual relations according to the prior administration.
134-
A doctor and an old Texan were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, you know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man explained, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."
135-
Go Ahead - I Dare You!
Enter México illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United
States thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car
bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture in the Méxican school system.
Demand a local Méxican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal,
presence in México.
Insist that local Méxican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time. Because it will never happen. In México or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naïve.
God Bless America---She needs it.
136-
Mexican Earthquake!
A massive earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is in total chaos and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!
137-
Fisons ["Garden Poisons for Everyone"] have belatedly announced that their Lawn Moss preparation, Moss-gone, will no longer be sold in canvas roll form.
They would continue to produce the spray, but, as a spokesperson said, "Fisons do not wish to continue to be involved in producing Webbing of Moss Destruction".
138-
The June 2004 European Elections have highlighted the fact that Europeans, generally, are moving more to the right, and becoming more
Euro sceptic, the more that they learn about the European Union, with its desire to legislate for everything, even to the extent of requiring only one timetable per year for all railways Europe-wide [yes, even for those which allow for winter, and snow; or autumn, and leaves on the lines]; its corruption, and its desperate attempts to bully auditors and whistleblowers who say that there is a problem; and its hugely wasteful [and bad for the Third World] Common Agricultural Policy.
This has led to a change of policy from the European Commission [the un-elected functionaries, often failed politicians, who 'rule' Europe, and whom we graciously allow huge expense accounts, money for coming to work, money for not coming to work, money for medical care for schizophrenia, if they can't make up their minds whether or not to come to work, etc.].
The Euro-elite are not happy with the results of the elections.
Normally, they will simply ask us to vote again, and again, and again, until they get the answer they want [that's how referenda get passed at the second or third try, when there is no similar re-vote for measures passed, even by 50,1% to 49,9%, even if the electorate suddenly find they've been lied to].
This time, we, the electorate, have gone too far: - there will be a new election in September, when the European Commission will dissolve the people of Europe, and will seek to elect another.
139-
It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets. However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.
140-
Bill Clinton's memoir, 'My Life' - "nine hundred pages of psycho-babble" one reviewer called it - is a plagiarised title; Golda Meir used the same one.
Some wags have suggested that this was not the intention of the 42nd President, and that a Freudian slip amongst the staff of the book's publishers has given it that Meir-matching extra 'f'.
141-
"You've heard Al Gore say he invented the internet.
Well, if he was so smart, why do all the addresses begin with "W"?"
George Dubya Bush 10-28-00
142-
From the website, The Register:
The US navy spokesman put up to answer journalists' questions about the US detention centre at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is one Lieutenant Mike Kafka.
As the article on The Register observes: "Yes, you're reading that correctly. A man named Kafka has been deployed to field questions about a prison where the criminals are only vaguely charged with crimes, can't speak to lawyers and likely will never get out."
143-
Tony Blair finally retires, and is interviewed one last time.
He is asked what he thought about the press coverage of his ministry, because unkind commentators have suggested that the constant sniping of the press eventually became too much for him.
"Well, of course you must realise that the Fourth Estate has a very vital role to play in a democracy, informing the People of the Government's plans and triumphs, and, I suppose, in a very real way, helping the People to understand those things that a Government does that are not immediately popular, but which are necessary, such as investing in our children's future
with the new exams, investing in a better future for all of us with the multi-skilled work-force that we are even now importing, and investing in better health for all with the careful monitoring of waiting lists that we have introduced and set so much store by; and many of the journalists I have come to know - and to love and respect - are themselves very fine people,
men and women, with high ethical and intellectual standards, admirable work-ethic, and wonderfully droll senses of humour."
Unfortunately, Mr Blair is knocked over by a bus the next day, and his will is swiftly published.
In it he wishes that all the journalists in Britain should walk over his grave, and that he should be buried at sea.
144-
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses.
However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
145-
When the 2000 election was finally certified, President-elect George W. Bush called his wife, Laura, to tell her the good news. Here's how their conversation went.
Dubya: Guess what, honey? I won the election!!
Laura: Honestly?
Dubya (after long pause): Look, we don't have to get into that. I won, and that's good enough for me!
146-
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the balls and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common
defence!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
147-
Two alligators had migrated north from Florida, and were sitting at the side of a bog near Ottawa Canada. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at t'other side of the bog near the parkin' lot by Parliament Hill."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus cars and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase!"
148-
A guy was travelling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy. "Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent. "But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent "Go on home to Boston." "Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?" The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."
149-
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we,"
George Bush told an audience of military brass and Pentagon chiefs.
"They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
150-
George W. Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games.
"Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!"
An aide comes over and whispers: "Ahem, Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
151-
[Taped in the Oval Office:]
George: Condi, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U. N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U. N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U. N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U. N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U. N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
[Condi picks up the phone.] Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Thank You, Mr. President.
152-
PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy?
"The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?
Titanic: $29.99: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton: $29.99: Over 3 hours to read.
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic! : Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... oooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same thing.
153-
John Kerry said that the W. in George W. Bush stands for "Wrong"--"wrong choices, wrong judgment, wrong priorities, wrong direction for our country."
President Bush responded saying that it was just the opposite, that the W. actually stands for "Write."
154-
I wouldn't call Tony Blair two-faced.
Even calling Tony B. Liar an emotionally-retarded spendthrift shit-headed grinning half-wit doesn't do it for me.
Frankly, I'm at a loss.
I mean, what do you call a politician who says one thing, implies a second, with a vastly different meaning, briefs [off the record, of course] that he actually means a third, has acolytes who imply to the Press that a fourth and even finer thing is intended, and yet manages to achieve a fifth thing - which is usually about one-fourteenth part of the square root of fuck all!
Oh, just the greatest British Prime Minister of the Twenty-first Century!
155-
What's the difference between George W. Bush and John Kerry?
Bush is accused by many of being in bed with a bunch of rich executives with their own agendas.
John Kerry's only in bed with one.
156-
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
1. one to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. one to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. one to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb,
6. one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change Accomplished,
7. one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark,
8. one to viciously smear #7,
9. one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
10. and finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
157-
WASHINGTON - Al-Qaida may attempt to launch attacks in U.S. cities using Democratic Party campaign trains, airplanes, or buses packed with explosives as weapons, the FBI said in a new nationwide bulletin.
Terror operatives could attempt to hijack Democratic party campaign vehicles and use them in suicide attacks against buildings, parades, sporting events, or political rallies, said the intelligence bulletin.
The Democratic banners could both help terrorists get closer to targeted buildings, the FBI warning said. The warning was sent Monday night by the FBI and the Homeland Security Department to 18,000 state and local law enforcement agencies, other government officials and private groups.
"Democratic Party activities are excellent cover for people with colored skin or heads covered in rags," the FBI bulletin said. "Those sorts of people would obviously stick out driving a Republican Party vehicle. We realize the Democratic Party is legal and allowed to use vehicles, but we want people to be cautions around them. Billboards with Democratic Party political ads could also be used by terrorists as shields to hide behind."
A Democratic Party spokesperson responded to the warning, saying "Someone carrying a gun would be out of place next to a Democratic Party vehicle, but a person with an assault rifle would seem natural next to a Republican Party banner. The Democratic Party does, however, support the hard-working FBI agents in the fight against global terror."
In response to questions on whether the FBI announcement was political White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan denied any political motive.
"There is nothing political in this announcement. This is also not a personal attack on waffle-man and his best boy--this announcement applies equally to all local, state, and national Democratic candidates."
158-
The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years. They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush.
159-
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
160-
There are currently two wars in the US - against terrorism and obesity.
The US is especially lucky when they catch a fat terrorist.
161-
I received this warning about the use of this politically incorrect term. Please try to pay attention to your language!
"Towel Heads"
We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called "Towel Heads." The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "little sheet heads."
Thank you for your support
162-
3 Nov 2004 George W Bush re-elected.
3 Nov 2004 Tony Blair congratulates the newly elected President Karzai of Afghanistan, and then the re-elected President Bush.
3 Nov 2004 President Bush congratulated by Kuwait, Poland, Italy, etc.
4 Nov 2004 President Bush congratulated by Russia, Iran, Liberia,
Colombia and Upper Volta, etc.
25 Nov 2004 Minor French official takes oblique public cognisance of the continuance of Republican government in the USA.
163-
It has been suggested that, following the crushing victory of George W. Bush over the Frenchified Massachusetts Senator, John 'Flip-flop' Kerry, some parts of the USA may secede, and attempt to join Canada. Several aspects of this matter need to be clarified before this idea is allowed to take hold.
1 Whilst Her Britannic Majesty, Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, may be happy to have her Canadian realm increased in side, she does not want Massachusetts. At all.
2 There is no indication of the likely reaction of Californians to the change to Canadian weather patterns, but that would be a small price to pay for the hundreds of Hollywood stars who were going to leave the USA if Bush was re-elected; they would be able to leave the USA without moving!
3 Texas will certainly mobilize, to seek a warm-water port to the West. This may mean the creation of a strip to the south of Arizona and California to the Pacific, between San Diego and Tijuana. The ability of free-market Texans to make a quick buck entrepreneuring between Mexico and 'big-government' [look at Blair's UK to see what THAT would be like] Southern California, should ensure that the USA can cut taxes further
4 The reaction of the French-speakers in Canada will be problematic; already a minority tongue, French will probably be relegated to about seventh language - after English, Spanish, Arabic, Hindi, Mandarin, and Wolof - at least if both new York and California join the Greater Canada.
5 Although part of the G7, Canada does not have a permanent seat on the Security Council - or Nuclear weapons. The liberal trustafarian haemorrhaging valentines who seek multi-lateral agreement on any action would find life without a massively effective nuclear deterrent a bit breezy; nations like - oooh, for example, Iran would want to throw their weight about, telling Canada what to do, how to govern itself, and so on.
6 The most Kerry-loving part of the USA, Washington DC, would have to get used to being an outlying provincial town, with little in the way of tax dollars coming in from the rest of Canada to support its bloated institutions and lifestyle.
7 The new capital of the USA should be somewhere like Houston [which would annoy Dallas immensely] or Dallas [Houston ditto]. Des Moines, Iowa, may be adopted as a compromise, which would piss Bill Bryson off, at least.
164-
To all citizens of the United States of America :-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves efficiently, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British
Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up 'aluminium'. Check the renunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix
'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsburgh' if you can't
cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like'
and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not grown-up enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires'
e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays 'American football'. You will no longer be
allowed to play it and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would
be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should also stop playing baseball. It
is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,
you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been
the bad guys. 'Merde' is French for 'Shit'. You will no longer be allowed to own
or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national
holiday, but only in England. It will be called: 'Indecisive Day'.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for
tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as 'beer', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will
henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine', with the exception of
the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to
as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine'. This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be
permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA
will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
HMG
165-
What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?
Bush had an escape plan out of Vietnam.
166-
Massive Tea-towel sale.........
Everything must go.....
Contact Mrs. Y. Arafat
167-
Why Are We Still There?
Seriously consider our involvement in this mess! Why are we still there?
Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.
Many of our children go there and never come back. Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Many of their people are uncivilized. The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.
Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. We can't even secure the borders.
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. It is becoming clear... . . . .
WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!
168-
AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."
The only two higher alert levels in France are: 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's only white
flag factory, effectively paralysing their military.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians
have increased their alert level from: "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
arrogance" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They
have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from:
"Isolationism" to "Find somewhere else in the middle east ripe
for regime change".
Their remaining higher alert states are: "Take on the world" and
"Ask the British for help".
Finally here in GB we've gone from "Pretend nothing's happening" to
"Make another cup of tea".
Our higher levels are: "Remain resolutely cheerful" and
"Win!"
169-
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year... Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
170-
In the light of events in the far east, Band Aid are trying to raise money by releasing an updated version of "
We're riding along on the crest of a wave".
171-
Ordering a pizza in New Labour’s Britain:
Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?”
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to place an order.”
Operator: “I must have your NIDN fi rst, sir?”
Customer: “My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.”
Operator: “Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number’s 494-2366. Your offi ce number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745- 2302 and your mobile number’s 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@ home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?”
Customer: “Huh? I’m at home. Where d’ya get all this information?”
Operator: “We’re wired into the HOSS, sir.”
Customer: “The HOSS, what is that?”
Operator: “We’re wired into the Home Offi ce Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your
ordering time”
Customer: (Sighs) “Oh, well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas
Operator: “I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.”
Customer: “Whaddya mean?”
Operator: “Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an
unhealthy choice.”
Customer: “What?!?! What do you recommend, then?”
Operator: “You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
Customer: “What makes you think I’d like something like that?”
Operator: “Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s
why I made the suggestion.”
Customer: “All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.”
Operator: “That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can fi nish the crusts,
sir. Your total is £29.99.”
Customer: “Let me give you my credit card number.”
Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.”
Customer: “I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.”
Operator: “That won’t work either, sir Your current account’s overdrawn also.”
Customer: “Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?”
Operator: “We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick ‘em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward.”
Customer: “How do you know I ride a bike?”
Operator: “It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got
repossessed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just fi lled the tank yesterday”
Customer: Well I’ll be a “@#%/$@&?#!”
Operator: “I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a conviction for cussing at a cop and
another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.” “Oh yes
I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the Community Correctional Facility. Is this
your fi rst pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: “Will there be anything else, sir?”
Customer: “Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre of Coke”.
Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free pop to diabetics. The
New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!”
172-
In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who is your father?"
The boy replies, "The Soviet Union."
He then asks, "Who is your mother?"
"The communist party," came the reply.
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be a Stankhanovite worker for the glory of the state and the party."
The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, "Who is your father?"
The girl answers, "The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party."
The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, "What’s your name?"
The boy replies, "Haim Abramovitch."
"Who is your father?"
"The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Haim replies, "An orphan."
173-
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P. M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Kerry returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, George W. returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day JOhn Kerry came in with 20 fish and George W. came in again with none.
That evening, George got together secretly with Dick Cheney and said, "Dick, I think John Kerry is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night (after John Kerry returns with 50 fish), George said to Dick Cheney, "Well, tell me, how is John Kerry cheating?"
Dick replied, "George, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the
ice.
174-
Apparently the Queen has now reconciled her differences with Camilla Parker Bowles.
She’s even offered Camilla an all expenses paid weekend in Paris with a car and chauffeur.
175-
ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza House. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh.., it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. E-mail address is Seehan@home.net. I see you're calling me from your home, in the living room.
Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?!!?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made this suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is already overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this... Thank you for calling Pizza House!
176-
Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind.
All was fine, 'til they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software.
They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses,
whatever@scunthorpe.gov.uk contained the word.... well, work it out for yourself.
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The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."
178-
MG Rover has brought out 2 new models - the P45 and the P60
179-
Seated next to a self inflated egotist at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The jerk, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50 minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
180-
Even more cows
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down-sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
181-
President Bush thinks that lawyers seeking compensation have gone too far. He says they want compensation for every little setback in everyday life, in excessive amounts I beg to disagree. Did you hear about that rollercoaster accident in Sydney, Australia? No? I did! One person hurt - and I got terrible emotional shock about it. I'm suing Exxon, who supplied the lubricant for the wheels [and have lots of money], for $200,000,000; Ford, who supplied the car in which the victim reached the funfair [and who have lots of money], for $175,000,000; and Seiko, who supplied the owner's watch [and who have lots of money], for $100,000,000. And I'm suing in the US - where the lawyers will let me keep a third of all my winnings!
182-
Your pockets are not the only place in your pants the IRS is interested in -- now they're heading for your zipper. The IRS is planning to tax sex!
"Congress realizes the U. S. has a HUGE budget deficit and needs more money," says Barry Todwell, who works for the IRS' "INT" division -- Ingenious New Taxes.
"We thought 'Everybody indulges in sex. Let's tax that!'"
But since sex isn't income, the government had a problem.
"But then we realized that sex enhances feelings of self-WORTH, and once their WORTH went up, that was like income!"
Todwell says the government is working on how to track how much sex people are having.
"We're experimenting with putting motion detectors in all new mattresses so we'll know when couples are doing more than sleeping.
"We're also perfecting an Orgasm Detector. When people climax, it emits a certain psychic energy we can track."
But the most effective way might be the easiest, Todwell says.
"We'll just ask guys. They always exaggerate how much sex they have, so we'll make out like bandits.
"And guys who aren't having sex would rather pay money to the IRS than admit that they can't get laid, so we'll cash in there, too."
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An open letter from Tony Blair
29 Apr 2005
Edited by Alastair Campbell
Hi everybody, Tony here.
Thought I'd drop by, see how you all are; working hard I hope. I know I am. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about, in a way.
Being Prime Minister is a tough job; it needs a tough man to make tough decisions. And that's what I am. You may not like me, you may consider my entire being an affront to your notions of the Labour Party, democracy, integrity... whatever. That's not important. I'm in charge, and I think I've done rather well. Sure I've made mistakes, who doesn't?
Luckily I'm a skilled and influential lawyer who
can get away with anything. But I passionately believe that I've always acted in the best interests of the British people.
A lot's changed since 1997. We've introduced an awful lot of good policies, and a lot of really rather dodgy ones as well and we're sorry about the bus lanes
And no one likes me anymore but my popularity seems to have slipped somewhat.
I've been blamed for removing Saddam, which which although it wasn't my original aim, was a very good thing. I've been blamed for ignoring my cabinet while governing from a sofa and for being a bit right wing, but I remind you it was Clement Attlee who said "democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking" – so there.
In case this is still a problem, I should point out that sofa governance is a thing of the past – John broke the last one, and that annoying tit Linda Barker has put me off buying a new one.
So now I've got one of those swanky vibrating
chairs, which comes complete with headphones so I can listen to Franz Ferdinand
rather than those bores from the front bench. (PM of the people remember Tony – AC) I've also been blamed for being a greased piglet, whatever that means.
But think: back in 1997 I had nothing to lose. In between I had elections to win. Now, with this being my last term in charge, I've got nothing to lose again, so basically, I'm back to being the regular kinda guy you all knew and loved eight years ago.
I'm now more interested in a legacy and making you forget about forgive me over come to see that I was right all along about Iraq, so that I'm remembered for being better than
Gordon Maggie.
Which, you know, I think I deserve, what with all the good I've done, especially taking into account the holes I've dug myself into the totally unjust criticism I've received.
And, you know, whether it means anything to you or not, I passionately believe voting for me would be a good thing.
And if all that still isn't enough, who cares? You're stuck with me you're hardly going to vote for Howard are you?
Yours for a few more years,
Tony
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Greenpeace protestors scale John Prescott
26 Apr 2005 Activists from the environmental pressure group Greenpeace today attracted fury after they scaled John Prescott. The protestors, who were complaining about energy policy, climbed on to Mr Prescott early this morning and attempted to install solar panels. They also unfurled banners and shouted at police and passers-by.
"I didn't notice at first, as I say, it was when I came down for breakfast and the waiter said to me 'Mr Prescott, you've got some Greenpeace protestors on you', and I said no, don't be daft, it's just a bit of curry from last night, but he said no so I held up a spoon and I looked into it and I said 'Hey, you're right lad, I have got bloody Greenpeace protestors on me. Somebody get the bastards off!'" Mr Prescott said.
"Well of course by this stage the media were gathering round me, like, and they were starting to laugh because they do that, you know, they have got it in for me for some reason, so I said 'Don't just stand there, give me a hand' but would they heck as like – they were too busy going for the story, going for the kill, not prepared to discuss the important issues and debate the real facts, it's nothing more than gutter journalism and they ought to be ashamed of themselves."
"Now I'm a reasonable man so I did try to talk them down, I said 'Oi you little sods, get off me or I'll give you a knuckle sandwich between the chops' but they didn't because they don't, that sort of people, listen I mean – all they're interested in is getting their faces on the front of the Daily Mail and to be perfectly frank with you, as I always am, and there's really no excuse not to be, I don't know how on earth they got up there but I'm willing to bet that it was a media conspiracy to try to do me down, to get the kind of front page, second class rubbish that these people feed off, and let me tell you this: people out there in the real world are not interested in this sort of codswallop, they're interested in the real issues – the schools, the hospitals, the nurses – not some two-bit demonstration which I'm afraid is really quite distressing my wife, poor Pauline, bless her, and I'm now not prepared to say anything more on the matter, these people don't deserve the publicity and I'm not going to give it to them."
"And I'll tell you another thing," he continued. "Just you wait until the Tories try to make some capital out of this, which they won't, well they'll try obviously, but they won't succeed because I won't let them, but that won't stop them trying because that's the type of thing the Tory Party does, in league with the media and especially the gutter press, naming no names, and I think in many ways, notwithstanding the foregoing, that's an entirely accurate statement and I would be happy to debate it with you whenever and wherever, however, and with appropriate regard for the safety of the British public."
A police spokesman said that the protestors managed to last twelve and a half minutes before climbing down from the summit of Mr Prescott in exchange for a packet of Nurofen and a lie down.
185-
Howard promises to improve the weather
In the latest salvo of escalating and increasingly bizarre electioneering promises Michael Howard, the potentially newest former interim leader of the Conservative Party, has undertaken to improve the weather if he and his party are elected on Thursday.
Speaking in Tamworth, Mr Howard said, "Under New Labour everything has got worse - crime, education, health care, television, immigration - even the weather."
"Vote for us and we'll reverse the deterioration," he went on. "Well, OK, we can't actually do anything about crime, education, health care, television or immigration, nobody can. But we can - and will - do something to improve the weather."
He said that people would wake up to a "better, brighter Britain" on Friday if they backed the Conservatives.
Asked to explain what he meant by better and brighter he said that a Conservative government would privatise the Meteorological Office, thereby improving its efficiency and effectiveness, which would clearly translate into better and brighter weather. "We will take control of the weather out of the hands of faceless bureaucrats," he said, "and give it to the private sector, which we know will do a better job."
Meanwhile an apparently flustered and desperate Tony Blair, seemingly reduced to scare tactics, said in a speech in Gloucester that under the Tories peoples' mortgages would be at risk. Unfortunately the speech was greeted with howls of laughter. Onlooker Douglas Ramsbottom noted that as nobody can afford a house in most parts of Britain any more mortgages at risk was really a moot point. A bewildered Mr Blair had to be helped off the stage after he began blinking rapidly and repeating over and over that he is not sorry for taking Britain into US President "Boy" George W. Bush's war against failed dictator Saddam Hussein™. Muffled shouts of "I believe it passionately", "it's the right thing to do", and "God, I hate Brown" were heard for some time after Mr Blair had been taken backstage.
Asked for a comment on how the parties stand, Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy said that he was confident that his party would make significant gains in the election, if only because the Lib Dems are coming across as the least wacky of the mainstream parties.
186-
Lib Dems remember about Iraq
The Liberal Democrats have remembered about the war in Iraq, it was revealed today. "I knew I'd forgotten something important, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it," said the party's leader, Charles Kennedy. "I'd put a knot in my handkerchief and written something on the back of my hand, but I ended up wiping up after young Donald and... well, you get the picture."
"At first I thought it was proportional representation, but after the third audience fell asleep I'm pretty sure it wasn't that!" he joked, possibly. "No, now I know what it was: it was Iraq."
Mr Kennedy went on to remind voters that Britain had invaded Iraq – "which is in the Middle East, by the way" – following a request from US President George W Bush. "Mr Blair – Tony Blair, I mean – was only too happy to agree, but we sat down and we said no, hang on a minute, are we sure we want to do this? And by golly we weren't – now more than ever before I think that's abundantly clear," he said.
"Of course, they didn't listen to us. They wouldn't, would they? That's Labour for you – they don't listen, especially not to the Liberal Democrats," he continued. "And that, on many levels, is why you should vote for us on May 12th. Sorry, May 6th. 5th is it? Ok, May 5th."
"We, the Liberal Democrats, were right then and we're right now. You could say that we're right here, right now, but you'd have to check with that DJ for rights issues on that – what's he called? No, not him, he's dead. No. No, never mind. I'm sorry, I'm very tired. We've just had a baby. Well, my wife has, obviously! Let's not get carried away here."
Returning to the point some time later, Mr Kennedy described how the war in Iraq was without justification, although he would have supported it if the UN had. "Actually, can we cut that bit out? Thanks. But yes, as I was saying, the war was wrong, the government was wrong and the Conservatives were wrong. In fact, everyone was wrong apart from us. That's what we believe, that's where we are today and that's our mission for the future. Sorry, I think I've lost myself again."
Mr Kennedy has also released a heart-felt letter to voters, pleading with them to vote for his party. He had hoped to have it published in all the national media, but following an accident involving a bottle of Scotch and a fax machine it only managed to reach the Bootle Gazette and us.
187-
An open letter from Charles Kennedy
Hi, I'm Charles Kennedy, you may remember me from such party political broadcasts as: "If it's the economy, then we're stupid" and "Ginger Scots – not as bad as bald Tories".
I would like to take up just a wee bit of your precious time – and it is precious, given the way Gordon Brown continues to tax it – to explain just why voting Liberal Democrat is not as silly as it sounds.
Firstly, the Lib Dems are a personal, caring, sharing party, so please, call me Charlie, or Chas, or Chuck, or anything you like really – I'm 'down' with all sorts – that's what being a Lib Dem is all about (so long as you're not too successful – we don't like your sort round here, you greedy capitalist swine!).
Politics can often be seen as intensely boring, and often it is, but that's what we're here for: we're intensely boring too - sometimes, more so than the so-called 'opposition'! But we do try to make it more exciting, and we try ever so hard; we've been campaigning on entertainingly fatuous election gambits for years now, but unfortunately you lot have taken such little notice that sometimes I wonder whether it is all in vain. But now we're different. Honest.
A close personal friend of mine, John Cleese, taught us all not to mention the war. But I think, and I hope you agree with me, that war is an important thing, and thus should be mentioned. Unfortunately, I've been having trouble sleeping lately – kids, eh? – so haven't been able to talk properly about anything, and with Menzies getting on a bit and Lembit under orders not to open his mouth during the campaign, we've been a little slow to seize this opportunity. Which is why I'm taking the time to remind you that we still exist, and we care. About you, about the war, about students, and therefore, the very future of our beloved country.
Fair enough, I may not have a clue when it comes to how we're going to run the economy, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. Together. You and me.
So go on, vote Lib Dem – The Real Alternative. It'll be fun. Think of it as a duty – a British imperative to support the gutsy underdog. You can even make a day of it – go out and get lashed, then stumble into the voting booth and vote for me. Then, look forward to even more exciting times as we work out just how to run a country!
Failing that, remember the others. When he's not clubbing baby seals to death with Brown's budget briefcase, Tony Blair worships Satan and lunches with George Bush. Michael Howard, on the other hand, sleeps in a coffin and eats the children of the working class. So even if you don't want to vote for me, vote against them, which means voting for me – which makes everybody happy! That has to be a good thing.
Love and drinks,
Charlie K.
188-
What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
189-
How to distinguish a liberal from a conservative and a Southerner
How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Southerners? Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Conservative Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer : BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whadda y'all kids think?" Son: "Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
190-
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but, instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When
catalysed with money Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
191-
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate labrador.
192-
Hillary Clinton is elected President in 2008 and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.....
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that ----too hard"
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that ---- not fun"
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
193-
You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that a large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike France at 2:00 a. m, one month from today.
France calls and begs you to use your entire arsenal of missiles and warheads to save them. You know that by doing this it will take away from the war efforts in Iraq and hurt the war on terrorism. If you don't do it France is toast.
HERE IS YOUR DILEMMA
Do you stay up and watch it live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
194-
In 2029.........
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
195-
History Lesson
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get men to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlymen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservative who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
196-
A jury in New Jersey has awarded $850,000 to a man who got drunk on New Year's Eve and passed out in a snowbank. It seems that two local police departments responded to a 1 a. m. call from an anonymous observer who thought he had seen a man collapse outside a restaurant. Police searched the area and found nothing. Nine hours later, in daylight, a passerby found Frederick Puglisi, who was then revived by police and rushed to a hospital. As Mike Kelly reported in the Bergen Record, "... police considered charging Puglisi with drunkenness, but opted not to. Ramsey Police Director Joe Delaney said in a newspaper account at the time that Puglisi had probably learned a lesson already." Not quite. Puglisi sued both police departments, claiming that frostbite damage to his right hand was their fault for failing to conduct a more thorough search. The jury had originally awarded Puglisi $1 million but decided to reduce the prize by 15 percent due to his contributory negligence. Another judge later reduced it by half.
So there it is. You get blind drunk, wander outside in 22-degree cold to find cigarettes, pass out in a snowbank and then sue the police for not finding you sooner. Is this a great country or what?
197-
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Rag Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a Rag, but in fact, a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads".
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
198-
David Kelly.
Embarrasses Tony Blair over Iraq.
Goes for a walk.
Found dead.
Robin Cook.
Embarrasses Tony Blair over Iraq.
Goes for a walk.
Found dead.
Can anyone see a pattern emerging here?
199-
History began some 12,000 years ago.
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get men to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlymen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservative who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history.
200-
Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector.
One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river.
"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.
"No, I don't think so," the other replied.
"Why not?" the first farmer asked.
"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.
"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.
"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.
"Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.
"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.
"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"
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