Miscellaneous Long 2
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Federal Aviation Agency, Washington 25, D.C.
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's
ridiculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead
with a sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the
computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except
yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I
decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency
occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept
talking about some god damn stupid son-of-a-bitch up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.
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Red Riding Hood (PC Version)
There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day, her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house, not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health as was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a forboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid world view. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house, and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have, only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing wood chopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his
ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"And, what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The wood chopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
"Busting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!," she said. "Sexist!
Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the wood chopper-person's
ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
The end.
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A couple of English lads are sitting together in a bar in northern France. The local French regulars are becoming concerned that the two English lads are sitting very close together indeed. So the Bar-owner goes over to the 2 guys and says "Pleezee pardon me Monsieurs, but we are vondering how you zit so closely together." The response from the lads is startling. "Well, the reason is we are Siamese twins and were joined at the hip." The 2 lads show the astounded barman their amazing joined bodies.
"I'm zo zorry" replies the owner, "Please let me offer the 2 of you a free meal on behalf of ze restaurant." "Sorry, but we don't really like French food" reply the twins.
"Ok then, let me offer the best wine in ze whole of France free of charge." "Sorry" replies one of the twins "We don't like French wine either."
"Well then let me offer you a free weekend at any top French hotel." The same twin replies "Sorry, but we don't really like French
hospitality at all."
"Pardon me" says the offended barman, "But if you don't like anything French zen why are you 'ere?"
To which one of the twins replies, "Well it's the only time my brother gets to drive."
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Valentine's day, but they had not been dating very long.
After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Harrod’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"
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This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
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It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof with flames all around.
There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death.
The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car. He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his M3. He then rushes her to the hospital.
For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.
Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door and asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving you," she says.
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere"
"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says, "I'll pay you back in monthly
installments, here's the first."
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Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"How much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."
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Tony and Sophia grew up in an Italian neighborhood in New York City.
They were playmates as children and sweet-hearts in high school. After graduation Tony and Sophia planned to be married. Since Tony was working in the family business, they planned to live in Tony's family's apartment, sleeping in Tony's bedroom. After the wedding and all the celebration every one went to bed.
Tony and Sophia's bedroom was next to Mama and Papa's bedroom.
Pretty soon Tony and Sophia's head board was beating against the wall. Papa said, "Mama, you hear that?" Mama said, "Yes." Papa said, "You want to?" Mama said, "Yes." So they did it too.
Papa rolled over and was just about asleep when the head board started banging the wall again. Mama said, "You hear that?" Papa said, "Yes." Mama said, "You want to?" Papa said, "Yes." They did it again.
This was a hell of a work out for Papa. He was laying there exhausted and could barely catch his breath when the head board started banging the wall again.
Papa started beating on the wall and hollered, "Hey Tony, whatcha tryin'a do, killa your Mama?"
150-
A prize fighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."
The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doesn't make any difference. You're successful at what you do. You've fought some mighty tough guys and you've always come out on top."
He said, "Yeah, but I still can't help but wonder. Before we get through this state, I'm going to have to whip a Texan's ass." About that time a tire blew out. The fighter got stopped and it was about 110 degrees out in the West Texas sun. He was not looking forward to changing a tire in this heat. As he started pulling the jack out of the trunk, Ol' Bubba pulled up in his pickup.
Bubba hollered, "You need any help?" The fighter said, "Yeah, I need a tire changed and I need to whip a Texan's ass. Which one do you want to help me with?"
Bubba said, "How about this? You whip my ass, I'll change your tire. I whip your ass, you hold my balls up out of the hot sand while I fuck your ol' lady."
They agreed and got after it. A little later the prize fighter and his wife were back on the road and she said, "Honey, I guess that Texan wasn't so tough after all."
He said, "No, did you see the way he flinched when I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"
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A man had to take a trip across the desert so he went to a camel dealer. The town he was going to was a 6 day camel ride with unreliable water sources in between so he needed a camel that was conditioned for long rides.
The guy said he had such a camel, in fact he had one that regularly makes 7 day trips without water. They worked out a deal and the man bought the camel. In a few days he headed out on his trip. He had made sure the camel had plenty of water before the trip and it's a good thing he did. Sure enough all the oases were dry. About 5 and a half days out the camel laid down on him. He thought now this is a fine fix. A half day away from his destination and his camel quits. Luckily he had enough in his canteen to get the camel on in to town. He packed extra water on the trip back.
When he got back he went back to the dealer to complain. The dealer asked, "Are you sure he was filled up?" The man said, "Sure. I had him tied up to a trough all night before we left." The dealer said, "Well having water for him is one thing but making sure he fills up is another." The man asked, "How do you make sure he's filled up?"
The dealer said, "Come on, I'll show you." He led the camel to the trough and walked around behind him. While the camel was casually lapping up water the dealer picked up two bricks and banged them together on the camel's balls. The camel nearly sucked the trough dry.
"Now he'll go 7 days.", said the dealer.
The man asked, "But doesn't that hurt?"
The dealer said, "Not unless you get your thumbs between the bricks."
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A man was called to answer tax questions at the Inland Revenue Service (IRS).
He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get fucked!"
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Letter received by a bank recently and printed in the New York Times.
Dear Bank Manager,
l am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and Letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it all by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.
154-
Now it seems there was this English soldier that went to Ireland for a vacation because he knew he could get the best whiskey there. Well ... after having had "quite" a night of pubbing he found himself wandering along the side of an Irish road at a very early hour of the morning.
Coming up the road was an Irish farmer on his way to market. In his wagon was his prize pig and pulling the load was his best horse. When the Irishman saw the soldier he thought, "Poor soldier. Out this early in the morning walkin' alone. I should offer him a ride." So, he pulled up next to the soldier and asked if he wanted a ride into town.
Now the English soldier wasn't too sure about accepting a ride from an Irishman, especially when he saw, sitting on the floorboards, the farmer's rifle. But the farmer insisted and the soldier was quite drunk
When the soldier was in the wagon the farmer realized he was running late and coaxed his horse to go faster. Just at that moment a wild rabbit ran across the road and scared the horse. He broke into a mad gallop and no matter how hard the farmer
tried to stop him, he would not slow down!
Then, suddenly, the horse made a sharp turn and the wagon tipped over and everyone fell out. The soldier landed in a ditch, face down, and couldn't move. He knew he'd broken at least one arm and a leg. He was feeling dizzy and thought he might even have sustained a concussion. He had trouble seeing from one eye and knew it was bleeding.
From behind him he could hear the farmer moaning over what had happened. "Oh, my poor pig! You've got a nasty cut in your side. I'd best be puttin' you out of your misery." And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle into the pig. Then, the farmer saw his horse. "Oh, my poor, poor horse! You've broken a leg. I best be puttin' you out of your misery." And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle, again, into his horse. Then he heard the farmer coming closer to him. The farmer turned the soldier over and said, "oh, you poor soldier ... how are you?" The soldier said, quickly, "I never felt better in my life!"
155-
Skirmishes also reported in Shamcamel and Qattarh by Lester Haines in Erm Qazoo
Bitter hand-to-hand fighting over the correct pronunciation of the Iraqi port of Erm Gazza continues to hamper the allied war effort, we can reveal.
Military sources report that dozens of Iraqi towns and villages have suffered a severe tongue-lashing from journalists locked in a deadly struggle to lend an air of Arabic authenticity to their broadcasts.
Speaking at allied war headquarters in the Gulf state of Guitar, an American special forces phonologist told The Rockall Times: "It's total anarchy out there. What information we do have indicates that at least three US and four British news teams are slogging it out for control of Al Samawah."
Our front-line correspondent confirms this: "The road to Baghdad is littered with the detritus of war: the charred and twisted remains of improbable combinations of consonants speckle the desert like linguistic blackheads. And here, on the outskirts of Al Uncle Samba, the battle-weary press prepare for their third night of combat as they try to establish some kind of phonetic bridgehead across the Tigris. This is André Sikorski, The Rockall Times, Al Sambutchah."
Indeed, seizing the town is considered by news agencies as vital, allowing as it does virtually unimpeded access to the fertile news plains of northern Iraq. CNN has confirmed it is ready to deploy an extra 100,000 pronunciations of the key Kurdish-controlled towns of Shamcamel, Haway Thelads, Airbill and Kirkaptinkirk.
Elsewhere on the front line, there are unconfirmed reports that one live BBC report has fallen victim to so-called "blue-on-blue" friendly fire after deploying three different pronunciations of "Nasiriyah" in a single two-minute broadcast. To compound the tragedy, the correspondent then signed off from "Coalition forces HQ in Crater", to be immediately acknowledged by the studio as "Will Hanrahanrahanrahan in Cutter". The BBC has said it will launch an immediate enquiry.
Meanwhile, the Secretary General of the UN, Coffee Anansi, has held preliminary talks with UK supremo Blur as to that organisation's role in a post-war Iraqi democracy. "Our first priority will be a series of resolutions stipulating a mandated pronunciation for every town, village and hamlet across Iraq," declared Oman. "The very least the long-suffering people of that ravaged land can expect is the dignity of phonetic consistency. We'll try and send some water as well, if we get a moment."
156-
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
157-
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”
The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
“Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.
The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”
158-
It was just after sunset and Harry and Bert were enjoying a quiet one in the bar of the local when Harry mentioned that he was starting a new job next week, going on to shift work, he was.
At the mention of shift work, Bert looked at his watch, put his half-finished pot
of beer down on the bar and bolted out the pub door.
Harry was surprised at this unexpected behaviour of his old drinking mate, but drank on regardless.
Exactly an hour later, a stinking wet, bleeding and very angry Bert staggered back into the bar and joined Harry. “Jeez, I’m pissed off!” he rasped.
Harry just looked aside at him and said, “Yes, I’m not surprised. You left you beer half full. Anyway, why did you bolt?”
“It was partly your fault,” said Bert. “When you mentioned shift work, I remember an old girlfriend down the road who had told me her husband was on shift work this evening, and she gave me the nod that I could be in like Flynn.”
“Ah, so that’s why you are pissed off, you found out he wasn’t at work,” said Harry.
“No”, replied Bert. “Why do you think I am so wet and stinking – and have a look at me flamin’ knuckles! I went round to her place, she opened the door and in pretty short order we were tucked up in her bed. I no sooner thought of what to do next when there was this sound of a car pulling into her driveway and the slamming of a car door. She told me to hide, quick smart, as it must be her husband coming back for his ‘lunch’ box, which he had left on the kitchen table.”
“Ahah! That’s why you are so pissed off – you dipped out and have a case of lover’s nuts”, interjected Harry.
“No, wrong again,” said Bert. “I was going to hide under the bed, then in the laundry, and finally I crawled out the bedroom window and hung by my fingertips while the old flame closed the window and dashed into the kitchen. Her husband, the bastard, must have seen the look in her eyes when he ran into the kitchen, or twigged to the way she was dressed for romance, because he galloped into the laundry first, then looked under the bed, and finally caught me hanging on like grim death to the windowsill. He laughed like mad, then ran to the laundry and came back with a bloody mallet which he used on my fingers like a bloody xylophone. I hung on real tight, though, and then the bastard went to the bed and pulled out the half filled gazunder from underneath it. You know what happened next? He tipped it all over me.”
“So that’s why you’re pissed off so bad”, commented Harry. “You got pissed on!”
“No – I’ll tell you why I’m so pissed off”, said Bert as he drained his pot. “After dipping out on my naughtie, having my hands belted with a mallet and having a piss pot tipped all over me while hanging on for dear life at that bloody window, I looked down and saw that my feet were only three inches from the ground! That’s what really pissed me off!
159-
Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah, age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. On their walk they pass a large chemist and decide to go in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice asks, "Are you the owner?"
"Yes I am," says the man, "how can I help?"
"We're about to get married," says Maurice. "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," replies the owner.
"How about medicine for improving circulation?" asks Maurice.
"We stock all kinds, sir."
"What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?" asks Sarah.
"Yes, no problem, madam."
Maurice then asks, sheepishly, "Do you stock that Viagra, then?"
"Of course, sir."
Sarah then asks, "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?"
"Yes, we stock a large variety of all of these. The works, madam."
Maurice then asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs and Zimmer frames?"
"Our speciality. We have many sizes and all speeds."
Maurice finally says to the owner, "OK. We'd like to set up our wedding gifts list here, please."
160-
A eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mum and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys the pregnancy kit and the test result is that the girl is pregnant. The mother starts shouting, cursing, crying, “Who was the pig?, I want to know, now go and tell your father,” etc. etc. When finally left alone, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed with a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the
house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I can bequeath her 3 stores, 2 apartments, a beach villa and a £500,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, apart from the £500,000
If it is twins, a factory and £250,000 each
However, if there is a miscarriage....."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll shag her again!!!"
161-
This is a bricklayer's accident report.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
162-
Experienced stockbroker and not so experienced stockbroker are walking down the road. They come across some shit lying on the asphalt.
Experienced stockbroker: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
Not so experienced stockbroker runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money.
Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another pile of shit.
Not so experienced stockbroker: "Now, if YOU eat this shit I'll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced stockbroker eats shit getting the money.
They go on. Not so experienced stockbroker starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off."
Experienced stockbroker: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've just been involved in a $40,000 trade."
163-
On a flight from San Francisco to LA the plane unexpectedly stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The pilot had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
The pilot approached the blind man, and calling him by name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs". Now, picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete, quiet, standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
164-
One day Farmer Jones and his wife went into town to do some errands. Mrs. Jones went to the beauty parlour to have her hair done while Farmer Jones went to the feed store to get a new rooster.
Arriving back from the feed store, Farmer Jones realized that he still had quite a while to wait until his wife was done at the beauty parlor, so he decided to go to the local cinema and take in a movie. The only problem was that he couldn't leave the rooster in the car, as the heat would build up and might kill the rooster. On the other hand, the cinema had a strict 'no animals' policy.
Thinking quickly, Farmer Jones shoved the rooster down the front of his over-alls, bought a ticket, and proceeded into the theatre. Finding a seat next to two young ladies, he sat down to enjoy the movie.
Unknown to Farmer Jones, the rooster had managed to work it's head up and out of the fly of Jones' over-alls. Startled, the young lady sitting next to the farmer nudged her friend. "Look at what's coming out of that man's pants!"
Unimpressed, the friend observed, "If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
"Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn!"
165-
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: Dddooo youuuu hhhave
dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss
ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg
offffff?"
166-
WATER DEPARTMENT
RING!
Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...
"Is this the water department?"
Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...
"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"
I'll try and help...
"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"
You're not really serious...
"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!"
Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...
"Not only that, they're getting warped!"
I see...
"They used to be soft, pink and round!"
I'm sure they were...
"Now they really look disgusting!"
I'm sure they do...
"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"
I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?
"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!"
I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?
"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that."
Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?
"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
Now I understand...
"Are you going to buy me new ones?"
Why would we do that?
"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck..."
May I ask how old your baby is?
"He's six, going on seven"
Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle...
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"
I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?
"Since he was born"
Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...
"So! You are refusing to pay!"
Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.
"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"
There is really nothing more I can do for you...
"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"
Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim...
"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"
They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not...
"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?"
Just show them your nipples!!
167-
Extracts from insurance claim forms:
1. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
2. "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
3. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
4. "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
5. "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
6. "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
7. "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
8. "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
9. "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
10. "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
11. "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
12. "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
13. "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
14. "I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
15. "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
16. "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
17. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
18. "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
19. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
20. "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
21. "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
22. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
23. "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
24. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
25. "I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
26. "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
27. "I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."
28. "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
29. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
168-
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In an ex-Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
In a men's toilet in a Kuwait printing press:
Please flash it after you use it.
169-
Red Riding Hood (PC Version 2)
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
170-
Microsoft has announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'general protection fault' or 'illegal operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
171-
Last Wednesday night, I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around ten." There was a confused silence on the other end.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. So I replied, "Yes, it is. D'you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him", she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point; I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who the hell is Jennifer?!" Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
*CLICK*
172-
Why let those pesky phone sales people ruin your dinner? Now you can turn their annoying calls into a fun and challenging game that the whole family can play!
Scoring:
Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone, 10 pts
Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage, 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage, 25 pts
Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script", 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions, 15 pts/each
Changing the subject, 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry, 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity, 750 pts
Getting the boss on the phone and telling them the salesman used profanity, 1500 pts
Getting their 0800- number, 10 pts
Posting their 0800- number to alt.sex as a free "Phone Sex" line, 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected, 5000 pts
173-
Scary Irish Story
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real! It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking.
As the night rolled on cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards h im and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.
Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.
Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve. Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town. Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whiskey and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but
clearly not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other.
"Look Mick, that's the git that got in the car when we were pushing it!"
174-
The driver of an articulated lorry lost control of his vehicle, plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and looked around. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it, then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
175-
A group of amateur adventurers have gone into the jungle with a native guide to explore the wonders of nature. Unfortunately, over a period of days they are dogged by run of bad luck; they lose some of their supplies in the river, get chased by wild animals, and break their compass - even the guide appears to be lost. Late one evening, with frayed nerves and no food, they sit uncomfortably around their small camp fire.
Suddenly, they hear drums in the distance; the group huddles closer for comfort, but everyone is looking scared. They try to get some sleep, but the drums get louder. Finally, someone's composure cracks. "I can't stand it any longer - why won't they stop?" Other members of the group start sobbing in fear.
The native guide retorts "Be thankful the drums continue! As long as the drums beat we need not fear. Once they stop. . ." His voice trails away, and he starts to sweat.
"My God, man!" shouts one of the adventurers, shaking the guide "What happens when the drums stop! Tell us!"
The guide gives him a deep and meaningful stare and slowly replies,
"Guitar solo."
176-
Monty Python's Flying Circus - "Four Yorkshiremen" [ from the album Live At Drury Lane, 1974 ]
The Players:
Michael Palin - First Yorkshireman;
Graham Chapman - Second Yorkshireman;
Terry Jones - Third Yorkshireman;
Eric Idle - Fourth Yorkshireman;
The Scene:
Four well-dressed men are sitting together at a vacation resort.
'Farewell to Thee' is played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of risotto.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
Nothing like a good glass of Château de Chasselas, eh, Josiah?
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
You're right there, Obediah.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Who'd have thought thirty year ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Château de Chasselas, eh?
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
A cup o' cold tea.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Without milk or sugar.
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
Or tea.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
In a cracked cup, an' all.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son".
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Aye, 'e was right.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
Aye, 'e was.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
I was happier then and I had nothin'. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t' corridor!
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of
tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake.
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
Cardboard box?
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
Aye.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.
ALL:
They won't!
177-
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it.
He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship?
No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was
tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal being. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "where did you come from, how did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did.
"Well then", said the man, how did you get the rowboat?"
I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of
that, she said. Where do you live?"
At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach."
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.
After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned, and she was smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship." You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her.
"Tell me: "Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
178-
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said,
"Gesundheit."
179-
The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
"Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"
"Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."
"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.
"All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed.
At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.
He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load."
180-
Dracula is in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?
A few yards further on and... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!
A few yards further along the street and ....CRASH!. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.
Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who the fuck are you?
She replies, my name is ...........
Buffet, the vampire slayer.
181-
This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmer's market.
While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while she was in the store. It was from the Carnation Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words or less.
The Company furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all..." about those little cans of milk found on grocery store shelves.
So she completed her jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk Company. A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a man from Carnation Milk came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it was unfortunate the company could not publish it. In lieu of this fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1000 for creativity.
Here is her entry: "I like Carnation best of all...No tits to pull, no shit to haul...No barns to clean, no hay to pitch...Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch!"
182-
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned pale, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
183-
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something
she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone; "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
184-
Ollie and Sam Clam are life long friends. Unfortunately, Ollie passes away and goes to heaven. After several months Ollie is missing his old pal Sam Clam and becomes depressed. He's so depressed he asks St. Peter if he could go down to earth and visit Sam Clam.
"I'll grant you your wish if you promise to keep your harp with you at all times," replies St. Peter. "You'll need the harp so that you can re-enter through the gates of heaven by strumming on it. You must also promise to be back by midnight!"
Ollie agrees and goes on his way to visit his friend, Sam Clam.
When Ollie arrives on earth he discovers that Sam Clam has bought a Disco. He enters the Disco and is having so much fun with Sam that time slips by quickly. When he hears the clock chiming mid-night he hurries back to heaven as promised.
The next morning St. Peter finds Ollie sitting outside the gates weeping.
St. Peter asks "Why haven't you strummed your harp to enter the gates like I told you?"
Ollie replies, "I've left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco"
185-
The crappest C&W song titles of all time
All I Want From You (Is Away)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?(The song contains the truly touching lyrics: "Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....how does paradise
look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes... Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...
I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?")
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
Bubba Shot The Jukebox
Bubba's Inconvenience Store
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain
Cow Cow Blues
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
Cow Cow Strut
Did I Shave my Legs for This?
Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride
Don't Squeeze My Sharmon.
Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.
Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
High Cost of Low Living
Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again
How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me?
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
I Don't Do Floors
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y "
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I'd Blow It All On You
If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo!
If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train
If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He'd Have a Ball in Mine
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl.
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will
If You Ever Get the Feelin' I Don't Love You, Feel Again.
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
If You Leave Me I'm Gone
If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave
If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time
If You're Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!
If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart
If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD
If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure.
I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams
I'm Drinkin Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year)
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of my Car and Drive Myself to Drink
I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail
I'm In Love With A Capital U
I'm Just an Old Chunk of Coal (But I'm Gonna be a Diamond Someday)
I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey
I'm So Miserable Without You, it's Almost like Having you Here
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I'm Under The Table Over You
Is It Cold in Here, or Is it Just You?
It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.
I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.
I've Got a Cowboy In The Saddle, and Another One's Holding My Horse
I've Got the Cob, If You've Got the Corn (courtesy of Marvin)
I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night
I've Heard that Tear Stained Monologue You do There by the Door Before You Go
It Ain't Easy Being Easy
It Took a Helluva Man to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn't Take Him Long
It's Not the High Cost of Living, It's the Cost of Living High
I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It'd Strain Our Love
Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You
Jim, I Wore A Tie Today
Last Night I Went to Bed with a "10" and Woke this Morning with a "2"
Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket
Legendary Chicken Fairy
Make Me Late For Work Today.
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
Get the Hammer Mama, There's a Head on Papa's Fly
Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, cuz I'm a Little Boulder There
Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Phone Ain't been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn't You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Nashville Rash
No Way, Conway (I Ain't Gonna Twitty Tonight)
Occasional Wife
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Our Love is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't the Same
Overlonely and Underkissed
Pardon Me, I've Been Pardoned
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
Phantom Of The Opry
Pick Me Up On Your Way Down
Pick Me Up Or Let Me Down
Poultry Promenade
Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer
Redneck Martians Stole My Baby
Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
Refried Dreams
Run for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw
She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas
She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles
She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
The Alcohall of Fame
The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
The Last Word in Lonesome is Me
The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
The Pint Of No Return.
There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You
There's A Tear In My Beer
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
Tight Fittin' Jeans
Timber... I'm Fallin In Love
Trainwreck Of Emotion
Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
Warm Beer Cold Women
We Used To Kiss On The Lips, But It's All Over Now
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made a Loser Out of Me
When the Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line
When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye
Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?
Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?
Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins')
You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life
You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go
Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.
You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart
80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper
800 Pound Jesus
186-
A guy walks into his office after a having a workout in the gym. He's bursting with energy and says, "Hey lads, you'll never guess what I've just seen in the Gym! I was doing my workout, when this really good-looking fit chick comes in. She's wearing a
skimpy sports top and a pair of athletics style shorts. She warms up then starts to do a weight-training workout. Well, the Bench press machine is just across from my exercise bike. When she lay back and started pushing the weights, her legs flopped open. The
elastic in her shorts had gone, and I could see she right up between her legs. Well, she was wearing no knickers!"
"No" came the communal gasps of amazement.
"In fact" the guy continued, "I could see that she had one of the hairiest pussies I've ever seen! It was practically winking at me!"
"Hey, I use that Gym", says a mate, "and that exercise bike has got to be 20-30 feet from the bench press machine. How could you see so much detail?"
"Well" says the guy; "I had a much better view when I'd crawled under her bench!"
187-
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
188-
A bright and blustery autumn day saw old Grumpy Smith stroll down the road to the river Dee at Peterculter, salmon rod in hand, box of trusted flies in his pocket, large landing net strapped to his back and full of optimism. The conditions were perfect for catching specimen salmon.
And so an idyllic day commenced and slowly declined into one of disappointment. No one had informed the fish that the day was perfect for fishing! Not a bite was to be had ( I have personal experience of this phenomenon)
Eventually old grumpy decided 'just one more cast and that is it I'm off to the pub defeated'
A perfect cast was rolled down and across his favourite pool and the fly allowed to drift through the spot where many a fine fish had been fatally fooled by his masterly deception. Suddenly a tug ! Grumpy's heart missed a beat and leapt from his chest. The fish was on, however, it was soon apparent that although the fish was putting up a spirited fight it was not of a trophy size. A very small salmon was subsequently beached after not too much trouble.
Grumpy eyed the gasping tiddler and decided whether to kill the fish or release it. The miserable old git decided that because of his lack of luck he would dispatch the brute and scoff it for his tea! He raised the priest above the fish's head and brought it down sharply. Before the blow connected, Grumpy was startled by a high pitched scream! ' Please don't kill me!' Incredibly, the voice was that of the diminutive salmon.
Grumpy, scarcely believing his ears enquired 'why not?'
The fish pleaded ' I'm only a very young salmon and have spent all my short life in the Dee. The time has come for me to leave the river of my childhood and venture forth into the sea. I don't want to die now before seeing anything of the world. Please don't kill me'
'Alright' said Grumpy ' you are only a small fish and would hardly satisfy for a fine dinner and besides, a talking fish must be somewhat rare. But before I let you go, tell me your name?'
'Thank you, I'll will not forget your kindness, my name is Rusty, farewell my friend'
'Well, take care Rusty and enjoy your life. Watch out for those seals!' said the still dumbfounded Grumpy as he carefully slipped the fish back into the river.
And so the new found friends parted. Many years passed and Grumpy continued to fish the same stretch of the Dee at Peterculter and caught many fine salmon. He often wondered about the the fate of wee Rusty. Eventually the memory faded along with Grumpys increasing age until the encounter was no longer believed to be true and the memory put down to too many bankside nips at the time. 'talking fish indeed!'
When, another fine blustery autumn day, Grumpy hooked a fish. This fish was a monster and very hard fighting! After two and a half hours of struggle between man and fish, Grumpy was about to give up and cut the line to release it, his heart and lungs were about to give out, the mighty silver fish leapt from the river sending a plume of spray through the air sparkling in the golden rays of the September sun. Grumpy was agasp at the beautiful sight, this was a fish of a lifetime! Strangely, in mid air the salmons eye met Grumpys and there was a flash of recognition! On splash down the fight ended abruptly and the salmon swam directly to the shore.
The mighty fish stuck its head out of the water and said ' Grumpy is that you, you old bugger?'
'Yes, yes it is' replied the old man ' And you must be Rusty all grown-up!'
The man carefully removed the hook from the fish's mouth. 'Well how have you been since our last meeting?'
'Well very fine indeed. Thanks to you I've a had an exciting and full life.' said the fish
'Tell me about the things you have seen and done then' asked the man.
'Oh after you let me go I swam straight down to the sea and didn't look at another fly! At Aberdeen harbour I dodged the supply boats and gave those blooming seals the slip! The open sea was brilliant compared to the claustrophobic Dee. I swam South first passing Montrose and Dundee. I had a look in the Forth to see the impressive sight of the rail bridge then continued South by-passing England and on to Paris in France. Swimming up the Seine taking in the wonderful sights of the Eiffel tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame, etc. That gave me a bit of a taste for continental life and I decided to head down and into the Med and tour the South of France, Italy, Croatia, Greece. I visited Turkey, the Holy Land and up the Nile into Egypt to see the Pyramids which was nice before exiting through the Suez Canal and into the Red sea. The Red Sea was great but I didnae hang about because it was hoaching with nobbie clarks! I crossed the Arabian Sea to India and called into Bombay. It was quite interesting but absolutely humming!'
And so the mighty salmons tale unfolded of the exotic far east, the Antipodes, the Pacific, North and South Americas, the vast Atlantic Ocean, finally returning to the North Sea compelled by instinct to return to the Dee to find a mate and spawn a new generation.
At the end of the story Grumpy sighed and said 'well in your relatively short life you have seen and done much more than I could ever hope to achieve in all the long years of my life. I'm very happy I decided to release you that fateful day. Tell me in all the things you've seen and done, what above all was the most moving experience?'
The great fish looked pensive and said 'that would have to be the wreck of the Titanic. As I crossed the Atlantic I was told stories of the wreck and the disaster which befell the vessel, its crew and passengers. I saw many icebergs on the way and felt that I had to see the ship myself. After several months searching I found the Titanic 2 miles below the cruel ocean surface. It was an awesome and emotional sight. I spent several weeks there swimming around in the dark silence. The ship was perfectly preserved. Many items were just as they were that fateful day many years before. The shear tragedy of the deaths of so many poor people in the freezing harsh environment of the Atlantic was very moving indeed.'
Grumpy was entranced and a small tear rolled down his wisened old cheek.
The fish continued ' it was such an experience I was moved to write a series of poems about what I had seen. By chance I was caught by an American Publisher to whom I revealed the work I had done. He too was very moved by my poems and demanded that I allow him to publish them in the States. So I agreed.'
'What were the poems called' asked Grumpy
'The Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty' declared the fish.
189-
A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.
So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you". The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you...go ahead." "Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes."
Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magicians face. The result was very bloody. The magicians nose was crushed, teeth fell out, blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"
190-
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
191-
AOL user diary
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America On line. I've heard it is the best on line service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get on line.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America On line for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do
they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the Internet? I thought I was on America On line. Not this Internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America On line stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called USENET. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America On line not USENET.
July 30- These people in this USENET thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITAL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS
ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LE