Miscellaneous Long
1-
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little
Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
2-
Hollywood Lessons
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half- hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
16. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
19. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
20. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
21. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
22. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
23. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
24. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
25. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
26. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.
27. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
28. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
29. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
30. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
31. It's easy for anyone to land a plane provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
32. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
33. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always say: "Enter password now."
34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
35. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
36.If you overpower a sentry or guard, his uniform will fit you perfectly.
37.It is possible to brush your teeth without any toothpaste foam appearing on your lips.
38.Handsome men don't belch or fart.
39.If you're a team of misfits and losers, you'll win the championship.
40.In a large city, the streets are always wet at night.
41.Most bathrooms do not have a toilet.
42.All orphans can sing and dance, both alone and in groups.
43.You'll find a parking space in front of your building in New York.
44.A person wearing a good latex mask can deceive even close friends of the person the mask depicts.
45.It usually rains during outdoor funerals.
46.Police officers may beat the daylights out of a suspect in the course of an arrest, but are careful to guide him gently into the squad car so he doesn't bump his head.
3-
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked
around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him
out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only
one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be
built from California to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to
ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So was that a two lane road or four?"
4-
Texas Chilli
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli.
5-
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is
now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet!"
6-
An old man in Macclesfield calls his son in London and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Bristol and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Macclesfield immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for easter weekend and paying their own way!! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
7-
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
8-
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
9-
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
10-
The Green Horse
John was walking in the park one morning when, at 9.30, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen rode past on a large bay horse.
Now John's big problem was that he was tremendously shy and knew that he could never pluck up the courage to make the first move or start a conversation, so he set his mind to working out how he could ensure that this girl talked to him.
After a lot of thought he came up with a super plan.
I'll buy myself a magnificent horse and the finest riding clothes that money can buy. I'll also buy 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and early in the morning I'll go down to the stables and paint the horse green. I'll then go riding in the park and at 9.30 the girl will be riding towards me on her horse. She'll be absolutely amazed, rein in her horse and say to me.
"My that's a green horse you're riding!" And I'll reply "Yes it is, would you have dinner with me tonight?"
She will be so intrigued that she immediately agrees and we will have a magnificent meal in one of her favourite restaurants. As we're driving back from the restaurant I will ask her to come to Paris with me at the weekend and she will agree.
In Paris we will have a luxury suite at the finest hotel overlooking the Champs Elysee and I will have bought a beautiful designer gown for her to wear in the evening. We will eat in a Michelin 3 star restaurant and enjoy the finest food and wine. Afterwards, back at the hotel there will be a magnum of champagne chilling by the side of the four poster bed. I will pour two glasses, hand one to her and slowly start to undress her. We will then have a night of beautiful passion and love.
So, having bought the finest horse and riding gear available, John goes to the stable early the next morning with 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and paints his horse.
At 9.00 he goes riding in the park. At 9.30 precisely she rides towards him on her large bay. As they meet she reins in her steed and says in a surprised voice "My that's a green horse you're riding!"
And John replies "Yes. Do you want to fuck?"
11-
Two statues, one of a man, the other of a woman had been standing in the park, in all weathers, for 40 years.
One evening the Good Fairy visited them and praised them for their fortitude in being such exemplary statues for that length of time. As a reward for all their waiting the Good Fairy granted them 15 minutes of freedom to do whatever they wanted. The two looked at each other with smiles on their faces and immediately ran into the thickest part of the bushes. For the next few minutes all that could be heard were screams of delight and giggling accompanied by the noise of the bushes being vigorously trampled.
The statues reappeared after 8 minutes and thanked the Good Fairy for the time of their lives. "But you've still got 7 minutes left said the Good Fairy"
The man statue turned to the woman statue with a broad grin on his face. "Fantastic" he said, "This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it"
12-
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account. To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I am very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There' no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won fifty million bucks in the damn lottery, and I want to open a damn checking account in this damned bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
13-
"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. Its a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out the window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the excitement of the moment! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out or their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the inter-section. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
14-
Ed decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. They loaded up Ed's Ford pickup and headed to northern Colorado. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Ed said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Ed got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked, "Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado."
"Yes, I do." said Leon.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Ed.
"Well, uh, yeah," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Ed.
Leon's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
Ed replied, "No need to apologize, Leon. She died last month and left me everything!"
15-
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum"
16-
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" They inquired.
"It's pretty nice here." she replied. "Except they won't let you fart."
17-
A Sydney radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would name sense?"
Caller: 'Goan fuck yourself'
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff"
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'"
DJ: "...you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
18-
A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the foreigner. "That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out." So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?" "Liverpool," replies the Memory Man. "Who did they beat?" "Leeds," was the reply. "And the score?" "2-1." "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John," was the old man's reply. The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting "How". The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box."
19-
Italian Job
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's marijuana, the best wines that money can buy,
oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.
All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of 'how's yer father?'"
"OK," nods Jim , "as long as she does the rest of the band, too." "Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he
pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.
"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.
Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs
the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face! "Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls..... "You were only s'posed to blow the bloody Doors off..."
20-
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.
The man said, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!"
This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
21-
I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east." Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."
22-
An English businessman is visiting a Spanish company in Seville and plans to stay 3 days. On the first evening he is sitting in the hotel restaurant, enjoying an aperitif and trying to decide what to order from the menu when the lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at the table next to the Englishman and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate overflowing with what appears to be a steaming, fragrant delicacy. He then proceeds to serve the customer at that table who is obviously drooling in anticipation of the magnificent offering.
The Englishman calls the head waiter to his table and says, "I don't recognise that dish from the descriptions on the menu. Could you tell me what it is?"
"Si senor, yesterday was the first day of the bullfight week here in Seville and that dish is made from the testicles of the bull that was killed by our top matador. They are marinated in brandy for 8 hours and then slowly poached with a mixture of the finest truffles and foie-gras. It is truly a magnificent dish"
The Englishman is greatly tempted and asks if he can order the same but is disappointed to learn that the dish, because of the preparation time, has to be ordered a day in advance. He then decides to order it for his main course the next day.
The following evening he arrives in the hotel restaurant early and is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his special order. The lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at his table and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate that is almost empty apart from a small mound of shrivelled meat.
"I don't understand", complains the Englishman, "Yesterday's dish was overflowing with a much, much bigger portion"
"Si senor", replies the waiter, "But you have to understand, sometimes the bull, he wins"
23-
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH
NAME ________
NICK-NAME _______
GANG NAME ______________
NAME YOU WANT ON YOUR GRAVESTONE __________
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells a "fat one" to the Vinster for 300 notes and 90 grams to Tommo for 90 quid a gram. What is the street value of the rest of his stash?
2. Ant pimps 3 tarts in the Hacienda bogs. If the price is 40 quid a shag, how many tricks per day must each
tart perform to support the Vinster's 500 quid a day crack habit?
3. Whacka wants to cut the kilo of coke he bought for 7k to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need to make the coke "top banana"?
4. Christy got a 6-year stay at the Strangeways Hotel for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,100 per month on thermal underwear and waterproof coats, how much money will be left when he gets to tread the cobbles
again? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his hard-earned?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint if you get 20% extra paint free? Extra Credit Bonus: How many cans will fit in the hood of a standard Kangol anorak?
6. Liam steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled before he gets "sorted"?
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:
NAME____________________________________________ (if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
SCHOOL__________________________________
DADDY'S COMPANY_________________________
1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing (x) amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local JP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of (y). The difference between (x) and (y) is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead
people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month, she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et
Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
4. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?
5. Bertram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious.
If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
24-
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever ... group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're only here to see our dog."
25-
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
26-
This bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Shit!" thinks our man, "first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits. What am I going to do?" He decides
he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the wall where it is devoured by the lions. Sorted. He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So there he is, merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous
monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the two monkeys, killing them stone dead. "Shit and double shit!" thinks our man, "look what I've done now! What am I going to do?" So he thinks to himself, "the lions worked last time, maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they?" He drags the dead monkeys to the lion
enclosure and lobs them over the wall where they are promptly devoured by the lions. Phew. Sorted - again! Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey
from the American killer bees. Fair enough. So there he is, busy pulling the honey-filled boards from the beehive, when a bee stings him. Then another. And another; until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey-soaked board and batters
every last bee into a pulp. "Shit, not again!!!" he thinks, and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where, sure enough, it's devoured by the lions. By now, it's quitting time so he goes home. The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says. "Hi." say the others. "What's it like in here then?" asks the new lion. "Not bad." "Food O.K.?"
"Yeah, brilliant. In fact yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
27-
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that hey only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.. "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
28-
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" " It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
29-
On a recent weekend, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on
Christmas). The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
30-
Yesterday was my 59th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I went down for breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing "Happy Birthday..."
And there I sat, on the couch. Naked.
31-
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, I introduced myself, and said, "Mr.
Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Matt,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Matt," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Bill. Can’t you see I'm in a meeting."
32-
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff
was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from it's current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a check immediately.
33-
A young Kevin Holm from The Yukon moves to Vancouver and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says," Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alaska".
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast. I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department. I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it. I took him down to the automotive department. I sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's fucked-- you might as well go fishing."
34-
Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?
Yep. Well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing
Nothing?
It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Do you see the C prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isn't any cursor. I told you. It won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a light on it to tell you when it's on?
I don't know.
Well then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes in to it. Can you see that?
Yes I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged in to the wall.
Yes it is.
When you were behind the monitor did you notice whether there were two cables plugged in to the back of it, not just one?
No
Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay. Here it is.
Follow it for me and tell me if it's securely plugged into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Uhuh, well can you see if it is?
No
Even if maybe you put your knee on something and lean over?
Oh it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
Why not?
Because there's a power outage.
A power.....power outage? Aha. Okay we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer was in?
Well yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it, then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really , is it that bad?
Yes I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose so. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer.
35-
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.
He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
36-
A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia. Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists. After pressure from the visiting scientists' home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists. After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot. Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away. The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist. The head doctor then informed the search party, "I'm afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I'm afraid we don't have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?" The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, "Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us." The doctor nodded with understanding, "Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!"
37-
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
38-
Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they've run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth night, as they're having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend. "Look, we've been having a pretty good time up here, but let's face it...after four days together we've run out of things to talk about."
He then suggests to his friend that tomorrow they should separate for the day and hike off in opposite directions. That way, when they returned to camp tomorrow night, they could tell each other of what they'd seen and done that day and it would give them something new to discuss.
So the next morning they both get up early, pack enough supplies to last for the day, and go off in opposite directions.
The first guy travels north, farther into the mountains. After several hours of stumbling through dense trees he discovers a beautiful little clearing. There is a pond with deer drinking at it. There are hawks soaring over head.
Butterflies are dancing on the flowers. All in all, it is like heaven on earth! So he has an incredible day, swimming in the pond, eating his lunch under a tree, feeding the animals right out of his hand, and generally experiencing the most peaceful place on earth that he'd ever seen.
Later when he returns to camp, he arrives to see his buddy is already there ahead of him and has supper ready.
As they eat their meal, his friend asks him how his day went. "Fantastic!" he replies. He describes the beautiful spot that he had discovered, the pond that he swam in, the animals that ate from his hand, the hawks that soared overhead, etc.
His friend agrees that it sounded very beautiful indeed. "So tell me about YOUR day now", he prompted.
"Well", began his friend, "I went south for a few miles until I came to some train tracks. So I decided to follow those train tracks for a while and see where they lead me. I must have walked about an hour, when I suddenly saw this woman tied to the tracks! So I ran over, cut the ropes with my camping knife, gently picked her up and carried her to the tall grass beside the tracks, and for the next two hours we had sex in every position that you could imagine! By the end of it, I could hardly stand, let alone walk."
By this point the first guy is wide-eyed with amazement. "Wow, that's incredible! It sounds like you had an even BETTER day than I did. So...did you get a blow job too?" he asked.
"Nahh," replied his friend. "I couldn't find her head."
39-
Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo
One day Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking through the forest when they came across a little cottage. Snow White decided to go in first where she found on the wall a large mirror. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all?" she asked. "You are Snow White my dear, you are the fairest of them all" came the mirror’s reply. Snow White went out to tell her pals "The magic mirror just told me that I am the fairest of them all!" she cried. Tom Thumb decides to have a go so he enters the cottage. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the tiniest of them all?" he asked. "You are, Tom Thumb , you are tiniest of them all!" came the reply. Tom ran out "The mirror just told me that I am the tiniest of them all!" Finally Quasimodo enters the cottage. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the ugliest bastard of them all?" he asked - outside his pals are waiting. Quasi comes out of the cottage looking puzzled. "Who the fuck is Robin Cook?" he asks.
40-
The Pianist
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the goddam, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe," he politely inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his own songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she's wearing and almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice: "Where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping on your shoes?". The bloke replies: "Know it, I fucking wrote it"
41-
A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one , night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!" With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!" With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table. The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be..."
42-
"Good afternoon, ladies," says Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a park bench as he and his good friend Dr. Watson are taking an afternoon stroll through the park in London.
When they are out of earshot from the three women, Dr. Watson asks, "I say, Holmes, do you know those ladies back there?"
"No, Watson," replies Holmes, "I don't know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride."
Astonished, Watson asks again in a surprised voice, "Good heavens, Holmes! If you don't know them, how can you be sure that they are who you say they are?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson," replies Holmes. "Have you noticed how those women are eating the bananas as we pass by?"
"Yes so what about it?" wonders Watson.
"Well, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she puts in her mouth."
"Amazing," says the smiling Watson. "What about the prostitute?"
"Simple! Have you observed how the prostitute holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth?"
Eyes widening with discovery, Watson exclaims, "You're right, Holmes! I never thought of that. How about the new bride?"
Flashing a wide grin, Holmes explains, "The new bride holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana."
43-
BOHEMIAN CURRY (Sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he’s dead.
Naan-naa, dinner just begun
But now I’m going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn’t mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin’ yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on,
‘cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinner’s gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use loo.
Naa-na, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza’s mild,
I Sometimes wish we’d never come here at all....
(Guitar solo)
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh
pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicey
ME
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo loooo..)
I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me
He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
Stand you well back
Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No
It’s coming up again
(There he goes) I chunder
It’s coming up again
(There he goes) It’s coming up again, (Up again)
Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no non o no no No)
On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees
Oh there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me....Poor me...Poor me !
(Guitar solo)
So you think you can chunder and still it’s alright ?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ohh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
Just had to come right out in here....
(Guitar solo)
Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me
(Anyway, my wind blows.)
44-
How our GCSE students re-invented history
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics.
The climate of the Sarah is such the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book-Guinessis - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One
of their children, Cain, asked 'Am I my brother's son?'
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,he gasped out 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems verses and
literature.
Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. When she exposed herself before her troops, they shouted 'Hurrah'
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure. He invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 100ft clipper.
The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf, he wrote loud music.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East. And the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands.
Another good story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple as he stood on his son's head.
45-
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories.
As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he recognized him. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.
The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said. "What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
46-
This young man was going golfing one day, but he wasn't very good. He had been hitting the ball in the rough, the water, and soon a sand trap. By the time he hit the sand trap he was very annoyed. So he stood there swinging at the ball but missing and in the process digging a hole. Soon he hit something hard (not the golf ball). He bent over and dug it up to see what it was. When he had it uncovered he found an old oil lamp. He thought to himself, and began to rub the lamp. To his surprise and delight a fat old Genie came from the lamp in a huge puff of smoke. "Wow ten-thousand years in a lamp!! I have soo many things to do and to see!!", exclaimed the Genie. "Now I know you want your three wishes, but I am going to be very busy, so if you write them down on a piece of paper I will get to them as soon as I can."
The guy thought that would be fine, so he wrote down his three wishes, gave them to the Genie and went home.
A couple of weeks had passed since the encounter and the man had begun to forget about the Genie and his wishes. One day the man was at his house when the doorbell rang. There was a UPS man at the door with a very large package for him. The man signed for it and took it inside. He opened the package to find that it was a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal.
"Dates and Grain cereal, where the hell did this come from," he wondered. The man began looking through his things to see if he could find out where he had asked or ordered a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal. While he was looking he came across his list of wishes. He looked at the first wish, 1: A Great Dane. "No, he thought to himself. He couldn't be that dumb." The Genie had given him Dates and Grain cereal instead of a Great Dane.
"Oh well, anyone can make a mistake," he thought.
About a week later the man received another package, he signed for it and then opened it. He found a Zebco fishing rod.
"What is this, when did I get one of these," exclaimed the man. He thought about what happened last time he got a package that he didn't know about. "My second wish was for a fast car not something that casts far!! That damn Genie!"
The next day the man was at his home when there was a knock at his door, he opened it and there was a guy standing at the door.
"Hi my name is Blob, Joe Blob, and I will be with you every Saturday night from now on!"
47-
One night, the sheriff was making his 3am rounds. As he pulls up the main street, he finds two big rig trucks parked in the middle of the street with the lights on and the doors wide open.
He decides to go and investigate. As he climbs up into the first cab he sees that it`s empty. He thinks to himself..."Maybe they`re in the other truck conferring over a map." So he takes a look in the second truck and sees it's empty also.
As he's walking back to the patrol car to call for a tow truck, he hears sounds coming from underneath one of the trailers. He shines his light and sees two truck drivers, one on his knees and the other one kneeling behind him going at it. The sheriff says "Hey! You can`t do that here in the middle of the street. It`s illegal!" The truck driver in back says, "You don`t understand. My buddy was having a heart attack."
The sheriff replies, "That`s not what you do for a heart attack. You`re supposed to give mouth to mouth
rescucitation!"
To that the truck driver says, "I did! That`s what got this started!"
48-
LIFE magazine sends out one of its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories from the people living in those mountains. When the reporter reaches the area, he climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting on a rocking chair in the front porch of his log cabin.
"Good morning, sir!" says the reporter. "I'm a reporter from LIFE magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. Do you have any memorable stories to tell?"
The old man thinks for a while and then says with a smile, "I remember the day when my neighbor's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that sheep, we took turns humping it under the lemon tree. We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating."
The reporter is so dumbfounded by what he has just heard that it takes a while before he can say anything. Then he tells the old man, "That's, ahh, an, ahh, interesting story, sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. Do you have any other memorable stories to tell?"
"Let's see," the old man tries to remember something and then he grins as he narrates the story. "I remember the day when my neighbor's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that girl, we took turns humping her under the lemon tree. We had a great time eating, drinking and fornicating."
This exasperates the reporter who says in a frustrated voice, "Listen, sir! My magazine won't allow even that story to be printed. How about some sad stories? Do you have any sad stories to tell?"
This time, the old man looks sad and says, "Well, I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains ..."
49-
Interview with Neil Armstrong
Interviewer
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a
man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
Neil Armstrong
Actually that was not what I said. It's been misquoted for the last 25 years but until now I couldn't tell anyone what I really said.
Interviewer
That's amazing Neil, can you tell us now then?
Neil Armstrong
The first words I said after stepping on to the moon's surface were "That's one small step for a
man, one giant leap for Manny Klein"
Interviewer
Who is Manny Klein?
Neil Armstrong
A very dear friend of mine who sadly passed away last month. We were drinking buddies for years and he'd always said how terrific sex was with his wife but he couldn't persuade her to give him a blow job. Her answer was always the same. "The day they put a man on the moon, that's the day you get a blow job from me!"
50-
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant.
James: -No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: -Oh! What's that then?
Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: -It's in a pond!
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: -Me? Never
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris:-How's that then?
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: -What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: -Nope
Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker.
51-
The wit and the wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.' "
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.' "
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"
"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'
52-
Mr. Johnson had been chosen by the board of a large software company as CEO. On the first day he took office as CEO, Mr. Johnson received three numbered envelopes and a note from the former CEO. In the note, the former CEO wished his successor good luck in running the company. Furthermore, the former CEO explained that he left these three envelopes containing advice. Each envelope should only be opened in the event of a crisis the company would face for which the current CEO would find himself to resolve. The only condition was that each envelope should be opened according to the numbered sequence. Mr. Johnson thought nothing of the envelopes which he placed in his desk drawer.
After two months in office, Mr. Johnson faced the first crisis. There was a delay in the launching of the company's latest software and as a result, the stockmarket value of the company's shares went down. In desperation, Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes from his desk drawer and opened the envelope marked "1." The note in the envelope said "Blame your predecessor." So, Mr. Johnson called a press conference and subtly blamed his predecessor for the delay. He then went on to assure the media and the public that the newest would be in the market in thirty days. With this said, the crisis died down as the company was able to launch the software which proved to be a big hit. Mr. Johnson was able to keep his job.
After fifteen successive quarters of rising profit, the company then experienced a sudden dip in profits as recession was underway. Again Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes and opened the envelope marked "2." In the envelope was a note that said, "Reorganize." So Mr. Johnson embarked on a downsizing program that cut expenses for the company and restored profitability.
After five years since the recession was over, the company faced the gravest crisis that might put it out of business. A new upstart company was able to introduce into the market a new software that was much much better than the company's current product. As a result, the sales of the current product went down drastically and there were
rumours that the company was a target for a hostile takeover. Mr. Johnson opened the last envelope in the hopes of finding a solution to the current crisis. However, the note in the last envelope simply said, "Prepare three envelopes."
53-
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
54-
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
55-
It was After Eight when Éclair suggested we took Time Out and went upstairs for a Magic Moment.
Once in the bedroom I felt the soft rise of her Strawberry Cups against me, her Fruit Jellies swelling in my hands like Glacé Cherries. I slipped off her dress and peeled down her Snickers, running my hand through her Curly Wurly I slid a finger or two down into her Dairy Box and delicately stroked her soft centred Strawberry Delight.
"I've got the Munchies," she said and dropped to her knees. She unzipped me and took out my Nut Cluster, sucking first one, then the other Whole Nut. She then unfurled the wrapper of my lollipop running her tongue up and down
the length of it and began to liquorise the purple gob-stopper.
Wispa sweet nothings.Terry, she murmered as she pushed me onto my back. She straddled me and lowered her Noisette Triangle onto my face. Her Flapjacks were open and inviting - made to make your mouth water. I buried my face in her Fondant Cream and my tongue quickly located her little man in the Strawberry Boat.
I began to nibble and Chewit and she continue to suck my now throbbing Crystalised Plum. She crawled towards on all petit fours, ending up kneeling in front of
me, with her Raspberry Roulade pushed high in the air. I rammed my stick of rock into her pink Love Heart.
"Fudge me! Fudge me harder! Harder!" she moaned. Then she cried, "Walnut Whip me! Fudge me in Mars!"
I started slapping her marshmallows until they glowed like Roses. I worked a Chocolate finger into her puckering little Ginger Surprise. Then I slid my marblised sugarstick out of her Milky Way and eased it slowly into the Bournville boulevard.
From the soft verges of Quality Street to the dark, narrow passageway of Black Magic. "Oh, my sweet", I groaned. "What Turkish Delight."
My aniseed balls were aching. Her hand came back and gripped my humbugs as her Chocolate Whirl tightened around the Big One. It was all too much. I only managed a couple more thrusts before I cried Chocs Away! And I exploded in a Starbust of Crème Eggs and rich, dark chocolate.
It takes Allsorts, I say.
56-
A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer's club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, "You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all." Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers' club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers' club. Within a half an hour's time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers' club.
After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, "This is what I want you to do now... See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle's nest on its top across the sea ?" He pointed through an window facing the sea. "I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack." The Navy Seal said, "Consider it done, sir!", gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers' club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers' club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride.
The Marine General said, "That's chicken feed. I will show who's braver." Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, "I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked." The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers' club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man's daring feat.
The Army General then said, "You think that's brave. Watch this." Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, "I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these." The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, "SCREW YOU, SIR!", gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers' club.
The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, "That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!"
57-
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
58-
Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says "Pardon me, do you have the time?"
Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to three", he says.
"Thanks, that's a pretty fancy watch", says the man.
Dave smiles. "Yes, I invented it. Check this out.", and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on earth but for the one hundred largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from inside the watch a voice with a Southwestern accent says "It's twelve minutes to three, pardner."
"And listen to this", says Dave, pushing the code for London England. "It's eleven minutes before ten, old chap", says a voice with a British accent.
"The voice quality is incredible, isn't it," says Dave, "but that's not all...here's a street map of Dallas." And a tiny but very high-resolution map appears on the screen. "The flashing dot shows exactly where we are by satellite positioning" Dave explains..."and if you want to see a larger area, just say aloud 'Recede'." and the display changes to show the State map of Texas.
"I can't believe this" says the man. "I want to buy your watch."
"Oh, no," says Dave, "I'm still working out the bugs...it's not ready for sale yet, but look at this." And he
demonstrates the watch's menu of one hundred Hollywood films, the complete works of Shakespeare, the nine symphonies of Beethoven and the complete works of Mozart played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
"I've gotta have this watch" says the man. "Name your price."
"No, sorry," says Dave, "it's still not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it."
"I've already spent more than that developing it."
"OK, $5000", says the man.
"But it's not ready" explains Dave once again.
"Look" says the man, opening his briefcase. "Here's $25000 in hundreds. Take it or leave it."
Dave hesitates. He has only invested about $8000 in time and materials. With $25,000, he can make another, and add some new features. "OK, it's a deal", says Dave, slipping the watch off his wrist and handing it to the man, as he accepts the packets of bills.
They shake hands and the man starts happily on his way.
"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Dave. The man turns around warily. Dave points to the two suitcases he had been struggling with to get through the terminal. "Here," says Dave, "Don't forget your batteries."
59-
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
60-
A young peasant girl went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss notice to quit. The boss was quite unhappy about letting her leave, as she was hard working and diligent. So he called her into his office,
"Why do you want to leave?" He asked.
"No reason. I just want quit." She said sullenly.
"If you stay I’ll give you a rise." Says the boss.
"No thanks." She replies
"You can't just quit like this. There must be a reason. Please tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Says the girl, taking off her underwear and point to her pubic hair. "Look, since I started working here, broom bristles have started growing!"
Tickled by her innocence, the boss takes off his underwear and shows the girl his pubes. "See my dear it's only nature. I have it too..."
"Oh NO!" Sobs the girl, "I can't wait two weeks, I’ve got to quit now! Not only have you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"
61-
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, Mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping; and, besides, I've just sprained my ankle, and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby, and I know this great repairman who will be at your house promptly to fix the washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why George! Your husband! ........ Is this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong number, but your voice sounds just like my daughter's."
There was a short pause, and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over, after all?"
62-
Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No," said the farmer.
"Thora Hird," replied the passer-by.
63-
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Price Waterhouse efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time ... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replace a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but ... uh ... why, or what ...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked, "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
64-
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chickenshit. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle. The plane almost made it, but didn't have enough lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt, dazed, and suffering from a broken jaw, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year..."
65-
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
66-
My uncle was in the fertilised egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilise the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favourite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
67-
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the