Miscellaneous Short
1-
If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she:
a) Get to know me better?
b) Stop being such a prude?
or
c) Find another seat on the bus?
2-
News Flash!!
The FBI recently announced a failed operation to capture the regional head of Al
Quaida in Ibiza. Unfortunately "Osama Bin Larging It" got away!!
3-
What's 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?
A really good crap.
4-
Quasimodo is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.
He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"
5-
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."
6-
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
7-
Have you heard about the guy with no dick?
He went home and gave his wife a good bollocking
8-
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9-
How do women get mink?.....................................The same way as mink get mink
10-
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. ...................I think I've forgotten this before.
11-
Q: What do the letters "DNA" stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.
12-
Q: Why did God create Eve?
A: To iron Adam's leaf.
13-
Q: Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings?
A: To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.
14-
What has little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
15-
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
16-
A blind man and his guide dog are in a department store. Suddenly in the middle of an aisle, the man picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around.
A startled shop assistant asks the man "Can I help you, sir?
The blind man replies quickly without thought, "No thanks. Just looking around."
17-
Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
18-
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!"
19-
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh." He's really embarrassed...The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
20-
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
21-
A government spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the Euro, the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st December 2001. From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'.
22-
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!
23-
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
24-
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."
25-
Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate.
26-
“Good afternoon. Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?”
27-
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A: An offer you can't understand.
28-
Q: What does an insomniac dyslexic agnostic do?
A: Stay awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
29-
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
30-
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
31-
Two Manchester prostitutes are talking about business.
One says “I’m busy all the time just now. In fact if I had another pair of legs I’d open up in Liverpool”
32-
Have I told you I love you today?
No.
That’s strange- I’m sure I told someone.
33-
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
34-
A man and a woman walk into a very posh shop. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the man demands. So the owner of the shop reaches for a full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the owner sidles up to the man and whispers, "Sir, that particular fur goes for £50,000." "No problem," says the man. "I'll write you a cheque." "Very good sir," says the owner. "you may pick up the coat on Monday, after the cheque clears."
So the man and woman leave. On Monday, the man returns on his own. The owner is outraged. "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a penny in your account." "Sorry," grins the man, "but I had to come and thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."
35-
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
"Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
36-
Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't look like feminists.
37-
A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in them.
And a psychiatrist calls once a week to collect the rent.
38-
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. That was nice wasn’t it?
39-
Boycott shampoo - Insist on the real stuff.
40-
"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
41-
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.
42-
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
43-
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
44-
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
45-
My dick is 12 inches long but I don’t tend to use it as a rule.
46-
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..."
47-
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. It's a heartwarming story
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
48-
Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
49-
An enormous funeral wound its way through the streets of the town, and, in every way, no sign of sorrow had been stinted, right down to the open cars filled with flowers. A bystander, who had been away from the neighborhood for a while, nudged a neighbour. "Who died?" he whispered. "Big Angelo's girlfriend," said the other. "Big Angelo's girlfriend? But she was so young! What did she die of?" "Gonorrhea." "Gonorrhea! But that's impossible. No one dies of gonorrhea." "You do when you give it to Big Angelo."
50-
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks "If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?" and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the girlfriend and one of his shoes.
The man yells, "You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there." His girlfriend says, "Are you kidding me? I'm naked."
"Well" replies the man "Take my shoe over there cover up your pussy and go get help."
So the woman covers her pussy with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant, "You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped"
"I'm sorry ma'am" the attendant replies, "he's too far in."
51-
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"
52-
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
53-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you
see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you're a twat. Some arse has stolen our tent."
54-
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
55-
A young guy goes into a bar and watches two attractive girls for a while before going up and offering to buy them a drink. One of them glances at him and says "Don’t bother - we’re lesbians". He says "OK, I admit I don’t know much - what’s a lesbian?" "I’ll keep it really simple", one says "We’d rather eat pussy than suck cock" "Barman" he shouts, "Drinks for us three lesbians".
56-
Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his
T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."
57-
Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone?
A: Tickle his balls!
58-
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where pride of place was given to a large brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an huge hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, it's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning!!"
59-
An American, and Englishman and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire.
"Well," said the American, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill the son-of-a-bitch, that, to me, is savoir-faire."
"Not quite, chaps," said the Englishman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on,' that's savoir-faire."
"Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on' and the man was able to continue, HE'S got savoir-faire!"
60-
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a christmas
pud.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming in only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
61-
Hear about the Jewish detective?.........He had a tip off.
62-
A dyslexic man walks into a bra......
63-
What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
64-
One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, pizza slices & crisps descends on him from a great height, and knocks him to the ground.
"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath.... "It's Buffet the Vampire slayer!!"
65-
I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
66-
I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.
67-
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
68-
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
69-
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
70-
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
71-
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then." I said "Nearest to the bull starts" He said "Baa." I said "Moo." He said "You're closest."
72-
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
73-
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
74-
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
75-
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster"
76-
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
77-
A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you Little Fuck."
78-
Women just don't understand me, that's why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she's all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts..........I can't even get a girl to do that.......I can't even get a girl to shit on my carpet!
79-
I heard they found two new uses for sheep in Australia...
Food and wool.
80-
Q:What goes "Clip Clop, Clip Clop... BANG! BANG! BANG! Clip Clop, Clip Clop...?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
81-
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the comment, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck, I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice!"
82-
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
83-
This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar? "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat."
84-
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. Touched by the sensitivity of a man with such a gruff appearance, she asked, "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm their landlord," he sobbed.
85-
Did you hear about the man who took a course of iron tablets along with Viagra?
His dick now always points to due North
86-
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
87-
A well-dressed young woman swathed in a beautiful leopard fur coat was accosted by a screaming animal activist who yelled, "And what poor creature had to die so you could have that fur coat??"
The woman replied, "My Mother-in-Law"
88-
Q: How do you get 200 cows into a barn?
A: Put up a BINGO sign.
89-
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
90-
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple, too.
"Oh NO!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!"
91-
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer...look at all the joints."
The second said, "No, it must have been an electrical engineer...the central nervous system is a miracle of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"
92-
Expense Account
1 Jan. Ad for female secretary £5.00
2 Jan. Flowers for new secretary £7.50
6 Jan. Week's salary for secretary £225.00
9 Jan. Roses for secretary £25.00
10 Jan. Chocolates for wife £4.50
12 Jan. Lunch with secretary £35.00
13 Jan. Week's salary for secretary £300.00
16 Jan. Theatre tickets for self and secretary £75.00
19 Jan. Pot plant for wife £2.50
20 Jan. Virginia's salary £375.00
23 Jan. Champagne and dinner for "Ginny" £160.00
25 Jan. Doctor for stupid secretary £1500.00
25 Jan. Fur coat for wife £6800.00
27 Jan. Ad for male secretary £5.00
93-
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
94-
A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
"Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy, "They saved me a fortune ...both of them are pregnant!"
95-
There was a pregnant silence, followed by a lot of little silences.
96-
Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately it was born without arms or legs---without even a torso. It was just a head, still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.
Finally after 20 years, the Coopers took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I know," he said, "how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole."
The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, "Honey Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!"
"No," shrieked the head, "Not another fucking hat!"
97-
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
The lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
98-
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer thought for a second and then asked, "How do you start a flood?"
99-
Bumper Stickers
* "Porn...it's cheaper than dating"
* Mean people produce little mean people
* "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
* "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
* "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
* "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
* "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
* "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
* "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
* "REHAB is for quitters"
* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
* "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
* "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
* "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
* "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
* "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
* "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"
* "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "i souport publik edekasion"
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
* Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted: Telepath -- you know where to apply
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass hole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Ask me about microwaveing cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
* Honk if you’re horny
* Caution! I speed up to run over small animals.
* Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
* You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
* Save Your Breath . . . You'll need it to blow up your date!
* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
* Constipated people don't give a crap
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Caution: I drive like you
* "Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car."
* "We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt."
* "There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse."
* "Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
* Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
* Preserve wildlife. Pickle a squirrel
* "Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly"
* Life's a bitch and then you marry one!
* "Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place."
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
* My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
* Learn to say no.
* I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it.
* zero to naked in 6.2 beers
* Discourage inbreeding: ban country music
* beer…helping ugly people have sex since 1842
* Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
* Men are proof that women can take a joke.
* Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
* ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* I swerve for cats.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
* Did you check if your horn works?
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
* Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* Dyslexics of the world, untie!
* I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
* I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
* Don't steal. The government hates competition.
* If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
* I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
* I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either).
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
* I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
* How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
* I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
* I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
* I can handle pain until it hurts.
* I'm objective; I object to everything.
* Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
* Have a nice day... somewhere else.
* It's been Monday all week.
* Gravity always gets me down.
* I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
* They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
* You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
* Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
* I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
* According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
* I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
* I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
* I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
* They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
* Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
* Life is too complicated in the morning.
* All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
* Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
* Ask me about my vow of silence.
* My karma ran over your dogma.
* I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
* A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
* Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
* HANG-UP & DRIVE
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
* If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
* Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
* Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
* I brake for Hallucinations.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
* This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
* Be Kind To Donkey’s... Kiss My Ass!
* Blonde's T-Shirt: TGIF - Tits Go In Front
* C.U.N.T. : Can't Understand Normal Thinking.
* Dial 999 - Make A Cop Come
* Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity
* Get Off My Ass And I’ll Let You Pass!
* Grab ‘Em By The Balls And Their Hearts And Minds Will Follow!
* I Fart To Make You Smell Better
* I Love Everybody - And You're Next!
* I Love Every Bone In Your Body - Especially Mine!
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut!
* If you drink, don't park, accidents cause people
* If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!
* If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings"
* Practice safe sex, go screw yourself
* Remember When Air Was Clean And Sex Was Dirty?
* Remember my name 'cause you'll be screaming it later!
* Save Gas - Fart in a Jar
* Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips andchains excite me!
* To all you virgins, thanks for nothing
* Trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!
* Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
* Life is too complicated in the morning.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
* Life's a buffet... so eat me!
* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Flashlight: A container for dead batteries.
* I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
* I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
* Assassins do it from behind.
100-
A down-hearted man in a greasy spoon diner asks the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf, but doesn't say a thing.
"Hey," he says, "what about the kind words?'
She replies, "Don't eat the meatloaf."
101-
I have got a little lamb,
Her fleece is black and short.
Tried to pet it yesterday,
Next week I go to court.
102-
It was unusual for Michael Jackson to be seen dangling a child over a balcony, he normally just tosses them off.
103-
A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!."
The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I, when I was a lawyer."
104-
I glanced under the seat of the aircraft I was on and saw a life jacket, and thought, "Fuck me, the ferries must have the parachutes!"
105-
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine?" the society matron asked the zookeeper.
"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."
This, as you might suspect, distressed the prim and proper matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office to protest.
The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I do apologize for my staff's uncouth choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a long 'quill.'
In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."
106-
It used to be the case that you needed to speak 4 languages to get a job in a London hotel. Nowadays you need 4 languages to stay in one.
107-
One evening, Dr. Watson paid an unexpected call on Holmes.
"Is he expecting you?" asked the housekeeper.
"No," said Watson, "but I just need to speak with him for a minute."
"I don't know what he's up to," said the housekeeper, "but he left very strict instructions not to be disturbed until nine o'clock".
"I'll wait downstairs in the library," replied Watson.
A few minutes later, Watson heard the unmistakable sound of girlish laughter coming from the detective's bedroom, followed by shrieks of excitement from Holmes. As nine o'clock approached, Watson could hardly contain his curiosity. Finally, Holmes came down the stairs, accompanied by a pretty dark-haired young girl in a school blazer and plaid skirt.
As soon as she left, the good doctor cried out, "Holmes, just what kind of schoolgirl was that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson."
108-
Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.
The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish."
Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."
109-
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
110-
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
111-
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
112-
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
113-
A man finds an old bottle on the beach. He rubs it a few time and, suddenly, a genie appears before him.
The man says," Wow! A genie! I want a million dollars!."
The genie says sadly, "Well, I can't do that, but I can give you a back rub."
"Aren't genies supposed to grant wishes?"
"Ah, you see, I'm not really a genie."
"If you're not a genie, what are you?"
"Haven't you ever heard of a massage in a bottle?"
114-
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman "use more soap on panties".
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with,"use more paper on ass."
115-
Don was sent to prison. He got along well with his fellow inmates, and with the guards, and even the warden liked him.
Deciding that Don deserved to learn a trade, the warden arranged for him to become a carpenter.
After several years, Don was earning recognition as one of the best carpenters in the area and would often be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs, always reporting back to the prison by the end of the day on Sundays.
One day, the warden called Don into his office and asked if he would build a set of kitchen cupboards and fit the revamped kitchen for a new countertop, which he had promised his wife.
"Gee, I sure would like to, warden," Don told him, "but counter-fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"
116-
A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich.
The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple.
I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. So the next day I bought two apples.
I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00."
"And then what?" the lad asked.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"
117-
As an usher made his rounds one evening at a posh Texas cinema, he noticed an obviously drunken cowboy sprawled across three seats.
He nudged the cowboy's foot with his flashlight. "I'm sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned, but didn't move.
"Sir!" the usher insisted. "If you don't move I'll have to get the manager." The cowboy groaned again, wiggling one hand, but still didn't move.
The usher marched off and came back with the manager. The manager tried to get the cowboy to move, but he just moaned. Finally fed up with the man, the manager called the police.
The policeman walked in, listened to the manager's explanation, then grabbed the cowboy by the shoulder, shaking him slightly. "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Steve," the cowboy groaned. "Where ya from, Steve?" the officer asked, hoping to talk him into moving.
Steve moaned, tried to lift his hand to point, and said, "the balcony!"
118-
My wife had an accident the other day. We were standing by a wishing well and she fell in.
Damn, I never knew those things worked.
119-
A man was wandering the desert, lost and slowly dying of thirst. Much to his
surprise, he stumbled across three market stalls.
He goes to the first one and says "Water....water" but the guy in the stall says "Sorry, I only sell custard".
He goes up to the second stall and says "Water...please, I must have water" and the guy in the second stall says "Sorry, I only sell
whipped cream". Desperate, he goes up to the third stall and says
"Please, you must have water, I'm dying of thirst" and the man in the third stall goes "Sorry, I only sell sponge fingers and hundreds and thousands". The guy says "This is a bit strange, isn't it?" and the guy in the stall says....................
"Yes, it is a trifle bazaar"
120-
Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the big question to Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back.
"It is YOUR cow."
121-
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
122-
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her."
"Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
123-
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
124-
Apparently the U.S. were turned down when they offered to help Russia out with the Kursk submarine rescue mission.
They offered to send over Monica Lewinsky to suck out all the seamen!
125-
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to Marks & Spencers.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
126-
Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
127-
An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long.
Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief.
"Is it correct," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?"
"That correct, man," says the chief.
"However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer.
"The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says, "They stretch, man. They stretch!"
128-
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother ? He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
129-
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
130-
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have not charged on my credit card.
And I thank you.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.
Amen.
131-
I wish I was a glow worm
A glow worm's never glum
Cos how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum
132-
A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old grandson.
In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: “Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!”
The grandson moaned: “Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, it’s three o’clock in the morning, and you’ll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you’re 82 years old, and third, that’s MY dick you’re holding...not yours.”
133-
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
134-
Q: What’s the definition of eternity?
A: The time between when you cum and she leaves.
135-
Dolcelli is going to it on the bathroom floor with a wild chick when he grunts, "Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!"
She says, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in?"
He says, "I'm trying to get 'em out!"
136-
Q: "Why do women have foreheads?"
A: "So that men have somewhere to kiss after they've given them a blow-job!"
137-
Some
Tommy Cooperisms
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids....
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....
I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance.
My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other.
I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.
I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.
I've been offered a part in a film. It's a very sympathetic part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is.
The scene opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going. There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the mat. And I have this very sympathetic part.
I creep in through the door, and hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes 'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby.
Now, this is where the sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard"
Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cab driver sat there waiting for his tip when Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."
138-
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."
139-
A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and exclaimed, “Wowie!”
A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look. She said, “Oh, my God!”
Just then the maitre d’ walked down the hall and moved her out of the way. He took a look and said, “I can’t believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!”
140-
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed – I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time?”
“How’d you manage that?”
“He was already in bed, snoring away. When I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Goodnight, beautiful,” and he sat up all night watching me!”
141-
RECIPE FOR LOVE:
INGREDIENTS:- 2x Laughing eyes, 2x Well shaped legs, 2x Loving arms, 2x Firm milk containers, 2x Nuts, 1x Fur lined mixing bowl, 1x firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms
3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk containers).
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town
142-
A college boy delivered a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you'll be wanting a tip?" asked the old man grumpily.
"That would be much appreciated," said the boy, "but the other delivery guy said not to expect much from you. He said if I got a quarter from you I'd be lucky."
The old man was hurt by the accusation, "Well, to prove him wrong, here's five dollars."
"Thank you," said the college boy, "I'll put this in my college fund."
"What are you studying?" Asked the old man.
"Applied psychology."
143-
Dog owners: next time your dog does a 'soft one' on the beach, annoy metal detector owners by dropping nuts and bolts into it and covering it with sand.
144-
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
145-
What's red and hangs from a tree ?
A sanitary owl
146-
"That man who posed as a woman during a 2 year marriage was sentenced yesterday to a one-year jail term. Something tells me his days of acting like a woman are not quite over."
147-
What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.
148-
A farmer is in is local getting drunk. After a few pints the barman asks
"Why are you here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
"Well if you must know" the farmer replies" I was milking my cow and just as the I got the bucket full she took her left leg and kicked it over"
"What's the big deal?" said the barman
"Well I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as the bucket was about full she took her right leg and kicked it over"
"So what did you do then?" asked the barman.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Then I sat back down and continued to milk her. Then just as I had got the bucket about full the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail."
"So then what did you do?" asked the barman.
"Well I didn't have any rope left so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. And then my trousers fell down just as my wife walked in....."
149-
Ladies, do you suffer from thrush?
Well you shouldn't go sticking wild birds up your fanny then should you!!
150-
There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends.
During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it.
When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street.
They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....
You want to talk about excitement. I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
151-
Two people in their mid-seventies have been seeing each other socially for nearly two years. They have even traveled together but always took separate hotel rooms.
One evening at dinner, old Bert says to Edna, "I been thinking, and we're wasting a
helluva lot of money. We pay rent on two apartments, insurance on two cars, two cable bills, two phones...there ain't no end to it."
"What are you saying, Bert?" asks Edna sweetly.
"Hell, we should move in together" says Bert. "We're practically livin' like a couple anyways."
"Whose apartment would we live in?" asks Edna.
"Mine," says Bert. "It's bigger 'n cheaper."
"Which car would we keep?"
"Yours, it's newer 'n gets better mileage."
"Who'd cook?"
"You cook and I'll set the table 'n do the dishes."
"What about sex?" blushes Edna.
"Infrequently," replies Bert.
Edna smiles, "Is that one word or two?"
152-
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
153-
What's big and hairy and drives a Ferrari?
Michael Chewbacca.
154-
An Army Colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant!" the Colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yes, sir," the Sergeant replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yes, sir," the Sergeant replies. "Then what's his problem?" the Colonel asks. The Sergeant salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
155-
I don't like sex on TV, everytime I try it I fall off.
156-
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.
157-
A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!"
When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?"
"It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"
158-
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy...
I'd have nothing to play with.
159-
A girl phoned me the other day and said ....
"Come on over, there's nobody home," I went over. Nobody was home.
160-
If it weren't for pickpockets
I'd have no sex life at all.
161-
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
162-
One day as I came home early from work .....
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ....
"Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
163-
I was such an ugly kid...
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
164-
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
165-
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breastfed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
166-
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
167-
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......But he pulled through.
168-
I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.
169-
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
170-
Once when I was lost.... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
"
He said... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
171-
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
172-
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
173-
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
174-
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
175-
I'm
so ugly. When I was born the doctor took one look at me and slapped my mother.
176-
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion - royalty - sex - mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
177-
Sophie's wedding Day
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic ensued until her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
More grunting and straining followed, and at last Edward said "My God! That was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
178-
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a suite, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
179-
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
180-
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
181-
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blond"
182-
"Some guy hit my car, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
183-
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
184-
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes.
185-
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The little swallow.
186-
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
187-
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
188-
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.
189-
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
190-
"Why do they call it a Pap Smear?"
Because if they called it a "Cunt Scrape" no woman would have one.
191-
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
192-
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
193-
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
194-
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
195-
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
196-
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
197-
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
198-
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
199-
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
200-
Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
201-
With winter coming on, here's an important tip that'll save you some money:
How do you turn a washing machine into a snow plow?
Answer: Give the bitch a shovel.
202-
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one
203-
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
204-
"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand."
205-
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
206-
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
207-
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
208-
What do you call a septic cat?
Puss.
209-
Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...
Use the other hand!
210-
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
211-
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.
212-
What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
An armadildo.
213-
Native American boy was talking to his mother one day.
Boy, "Mom, why is my brother named "Mighty Storm?"
Mom, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Boy, "Well then why is my sister named "Cornfield?"
Mom, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
Boy, "And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?
Mom, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Tell me, why are you so curious about their names, Torn Rubber?"
214-
Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
215-
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
216-
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
217-
What's stiff and excites women?
Elvis Presley.
218-
Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room.
"My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!"
"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
219-
I was eating some food in the Park the other day and this old lady came by with her dog which began barking and jumping up at me.
I said: “Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?” “No” the old lady said. So I picked it up and threw it into the lake.
220-
This Vicar had come out of a shop where he had dropped his wallet. I picked it up and ran after him and gave it back. The Vicar said “Well thank you my man, that really has restored my faith in human nature, thank you very much.” With that he looked in his wallet at the money. “That¹s funny, I had a twenty pound note in it before but now I have four five pound notes.”
I said: “Well the last time I found a wallet the man didn¹t have any change to give me a reward.”
221-
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"
So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"
She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"
222-
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
223-
Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
224-
Why do Farts stink?
So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
225-
Some mornings I wake up grouchy.......and some mornings I just let her sleep.
226-
What's the definition of "Endless Love"?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
227-
What do you get when you mix Holy Water with Castor Oil?
A religious movement!
228-
I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome,
sensitive, caring and considerate."
What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?"
"Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight."
229-
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
230-
What are the six most terrifying words in the English Language?
"Yo...I be your new neighbour."
231-
A man goes to a local business advisor to seek advice on starting up a business in a different country. "I'd like to open up a cheese shop in Holland."
Advisor replies, "That's not such a good idea. Too many cheese shops in Holland."
Man comes back 6 months later. "You were quite right about Holland."
Advisor, "What have you decided to do then?"
"I'm going to open a cheese shop in Israel."
Advisor, "Good choice, what are you going to call it?"
"Cheeses of Nazareth!"
232-
What do you call a guy with a one inch penis?
Justin.
233-
What do you call a nun with a sex change?
Tran-sister.
234-
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom. So you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.
235-
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Probably the rooster!
236-
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
237-
New penis measurement scale: small...medium....large....huge.....and... does that come in white?
238-
There was the knock on the door and the man went to answer it. He found outside there was a plumber who said he'd come to fix the blocked toilet.
"But we haven't got a blocked toilet" said the man.
"Are you Mr Smith" asked the plumber?
"No" said the man, "the Smiths moved out six months ago."
"There are some real bastards in the world" said the plumber.
"They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency and then piss off to another address".
239-
The skydiving
instructor was answering questions from a group of first timers.
One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
240-
The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only £50... you look all uptight."
"No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!"
"So???" queried the hooker.
"My wife will do it for £35." he replied.
241-
A friend took her dog to the parlour for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her £30 , she was shocked, "I only pay £20 for my own haircut," she said.
"But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.
242-
Knew a girl at work once who was concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally got him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called "Cold Turkey".
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've got him down to about a pack a night now."
243-
Personal ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
244-
What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex?
Mummy
245-
I'm finished with Judy!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual.
Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?
246-
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Frequent flyer miles.
247-
I told her that I only had 4" but you know some girls like them that wide.
248-
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Brushing his teeth.
249-
The two east coast hookers decided to move to the west coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store.
Well lo and behold there were two older Indian women sitting out on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead to the one older Indian woman said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."
The one hooker said "No Shit, Well I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho"
250-
Drink till he's CUTE!
251-
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
252-
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
253-
What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
Your mother.
254-
What's a birth control pill?
The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant
255-
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'
256-
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
257-
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
258-
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep ?
259-
What's a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dickheads.
260-
Norm Peterson from Cheers quotes...
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
261-
A man goes in to see the manager of his bank. The man explains that he wants to take out a loan. The manager's financial consultant asks, "Do you have any collateral?" "Yes, I have this £10,000 bond." "Very well, you may have a loan in any amount up to £10,000." The man asks for a £1 loan. The bank manager is dumbfounded, but gives the man his loan. One year later, the man reappears at the bank and repays his £1, plus 6p interest, and collects his bond. "Hold on a minute," says the financial consultant. "Why did you only want to borrow £1?" The man replies, "Oh, I didn't really want to borrow any money. I just needed a safe place to keep my bond for a year, and they told me at the information desk that the rent on a safe deposit box is £25 a year."
262-
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
263-
This travelling salesman came to a farm at dusk and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there.
"Sure, but you must sleep in the same room with my 17-year-old son."
"Fuck me! I'm in the wrong joke."
264-
My mate was addicted to brake fluid. But he said he could stop any time.
265-
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through.
266-
Two advertising execs were "doing lunch" and having a chat. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man: "Where's Jimmy Harris been lately? I haven't seen him for ages."
The Senior Executive replied: "Haven't you heard? Jimmy went to that great agency in the sky."
"Well holy God," replied the junior man, "You're havin' me on, right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder executive, "a small toothpaste account and a couple of clothes shops, but feck all worth going after..."
267-
Q. What is a hermaphrodite?
A. “A bisexual built for two.”
268-
Q. What's Gary Glitter's new book called?
A. "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."
269-
Q. What's pink and takes about an hour to drink?
A. A grant cheque.
270-
Q. How many Londoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None of your fucking business mate.
271-
Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "Coping with Darkness."
272-
Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he would live.
After careful charting, she said, "I can't predict the exact date of your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
273-
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
274-
Q. Why do Marxists drink only herbal tea?
A. Because property is theft.
275-
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
276-
Everyone farts, admit it or not. Kings fart, queens fart. Edward Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite Duchess who gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.
One night she let out a ripper and quick as a flash she turned her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her. "Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"
"Certainly, your Grace", he replied with unhurried dignity, "Which way did it go?"
277-
What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep? Answer... It's marginally less
embarassing getting out of the back of a sheep...
278-
Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa... 'Sandals in the Bin.'
279-
Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no fucker can spell!
Heard about the dyslexic rock star? ...Choked on his own vimto.
Or the dyslexic pervert? ...Went into an S&M shop and bought a nice cardigan.....
280-
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
281-
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?
Marry her.
282-
Two men walking through a graveyard walking their dogs and one man turns to the other and says, "Morning."
The other man replies "No, just walking the dog."
283-
Quasimodo walks in to Burtons and asks, 'Have you got a suit that will fit me?'
Salesman 'If we have, someone's got the fucking sack'.
284-
Why is a giraffe's head so long?
‘Cos its head is so far away from its body!
285-
Q. What should you do if you see a spaceman?
A. Park in it, man.
286-
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
287-
What's white and wiggles across a disco floor?
Come Dancing
288-
Fat comedian walks out on stage.
Heckler yells out: "Why are you so fat?"
Comedian replies: "Because every time I fucked your mother she gave me a biscuit."
289-
"The Irish Horse-Racing Association has set up a committee to vet proposed names for racehorses, to prevent rude names being given. A spokesman for the Association said: 'This is becoming an increasing problem. Recently, it was only the quick wits of a clerk which prevented Norfolk-And-Chance from being approved.'"
290-
What's that steering wheel doing sticking out of your flies?
Dunno but it's driving me nuts
291-
A captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a long evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the Captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to a seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also crapped in your pants."
292-
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
293-
Why did the builder of the Taj Mahal decide to name it after my local tandoori takeaway?
294-
I met this girl in a bar, and one thing led to another... I said,
"Let's go back to my place."
She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
295-
Two Chinese men are coming out of an Italian restaurant, and one says to the other: "The problem with Italian food is that two days later, you're hungry again"
296-
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
297-
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
298-
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
299-
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 yearend mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
300-
The old man had passed on. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad."
301-
My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburettor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburettor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
302-
This guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?"
He says, "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
The midget says, "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
The midget says, "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
The midget says, "Nith earzth. can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty irritated at this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?
Finally the rancher has had enough and grabs him under his arms and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing and says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
303-
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right, the captain is a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain is a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
304-
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic."
305-
Casual sex is the best, because you don't have to wear a tie.
306-
The problem with being the designated driver on a lad’s night out is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
307-
Classified Ads
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Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good christian home.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
308-
Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
309-
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
310-
If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four tellers?
311-
Motorists: Can't afford to buy a car with an airbag? Simply keep a foot pump next to your brake pedal and connect it to an inflatable paddling pool folded on your lap. If you are about to crash, pump rapidly and the inflated pool will cushion you from injury.
312-
Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive Brillo pad.
313-
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
A: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
314-
Q: Is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: It got me out of the army!
315-
Q: Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
316-
An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to Marriott-Smalley, the great white hunter, to come and kill the
beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up.
Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, Marriott-Smalley went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw Marriot-Smalley lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" the hunter howled. "Which of you morons let the bull loose?"
317-
Bad Chat-up Line
I heard a joke that's so funny you'll laugh your tits right off.
Oh...You've already heard it.
318-
Over drinks one afternoon, John and Paul were discussing former loves. John explained that he once broke up with a girl long ago because she seemingly had an incurable speech impediment.
Paul remarked, "I'm shocked. I never knew you were prejudiced against handicaps. What was the her problem?"
John took another sip from his drink, then paused and reflected, "She couldn't say 'yes'."
319-
There are 3 blokes, a butcher, a hairdresser, and a council worker and they are wondering who invented the fanny.
The butcher said it has to have been someone in the meat trade as the incision and cut was so perfect and because of the quality of the beef curtains either side.
The hairdresser insisted it must have been a barber, because the snip was so precise and the sideburns either side were so perfect.
Finally the council worker stood up and exclaimed 'It must have been a council worker, who else would put a play area so close to a shit hole?'
320-
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321-
Clones are people two.
322-
A man goes into a library. "I'm feeling very very depressed" he says to the librarian "Have you any books on how to commit suicide?"
"Yes" comes the answer, "just down that aisle there."
So off the man trots, only to come back a few minutes later. "Well I've had a good look, but there doesn't seem to be any there!"
"Damn" says the librarian "The bastards never seem to bring 'em back!"
323-
Girls - Can't afford to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?
Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
324-
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
325-
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
326-
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
327-
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
328-
Olympic athletes - Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
329-
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
330-
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."
331-
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other,
"Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you
don't know shit?"
332-
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly
announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.
If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry,
"Two thousand five hundred!"
333-
A plumber was called to woman's house in Liverpool to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious,
well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became
extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but is
going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up
where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own
time??"
334-
"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
335-
The Importance of Correct Punctuation
Dear Jon:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear Jon:
I want a man who knows what love is.
All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be foreve