Men & Women Bashing 2
150-
Mens rules (in reply to the womens rules) ...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:-
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE AS THEY ARE ALL THE ONE GOLDEN RULE
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
151-
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
152-
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
153-
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra.
When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
154-
"Signs You Had A Bad First Date"
Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
She has a thicker moustache than you.
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
She is better hung than you.
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.
155-
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Good sex
2. Make nice food
3. Leave him in peace
156-
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree!...
Men, on the other hand, are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
157-
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
158-
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire even after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, What you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it...looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the dishes and anything to do with the children. I'll do the rest.
159-
WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
160-
A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.
20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work
So what are you women smiling at?
You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!
161-
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Canada where women may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends each flight. There is, however, a catch. As they open the door to any floor, they may choose a man from that floor, but if they go up a floor, they cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So this woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself: "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman thinks to herself: "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better," she thinks, "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Wow!" exclaims the woman: "very tempting. But there must be more, further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and have a nice day!
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
162-
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. He asked her about what he should do next.
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"Oh, mum, the evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why.......didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over all right, but she refused to cook."
163-
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.
One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.
The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month--it felt like constant PMS.
Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me?
Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's? I wondered.
Last,
All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
164-
Men are like
Men are like ... Laxatives ...... They irritate the sh ! t out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
165-
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
166-
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
167-
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
168-
I WILL SURVIVE - MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what Made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply......... FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen
on the floor. Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a
broken-out disgrace, But I'd
rather look at that, than at your Fucking ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me Want to be a nun!
I WILL SURVIVE!!
169-
The Differences Between Men And Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOK
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
170-
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!"
171-
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
172-
Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:
"No, not to Stevie Wonder."
"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No hablo ingles."
"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"Whoa! A talking couch!!"
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
173-
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1 Yes = No
2 No = Yes
3 Maybe = No
4 We need = I want..
5 I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = You're in trouble
7 Sure, go ahead = You better not
8 Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9 I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
10 You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1 I am hungry = I am hungry
2 I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3 I am tired = I am tired
4 Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5 I love you = Let's have sex now
6 I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7 May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8 Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9 Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10 I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
174-
IF GOD WAS A WOMAN (AND PROOF THAT HE'S NOT)
1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.
175-
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
176-
Why did men get given bigger brains than hamsters?
Ahhh - but are they proportionately bigger?
177-
Evolution has allowed women to multi-task easily: - This means that they can think of shopping for clothes and for shoes - and for a hat and matching handbag - all at the same time; whilst also thinking about what to say to Myrtle about her latest dress; various family birthdays and anniversaries; the need to get the dry-cleaning back; how she's going to manage to get all the kids to their after-school activities tonight - and what to feed them; and what to do about little Johnny's teeth Evolution has allowed men to multi-task easily, but only in some areas: - Beer; and either football or lingerie models [with or without their lingerie] [but not both].
178-
You know you're in a man's ideal world when:
a.. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
b.. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
c.. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
d.. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
e.. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
f.. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
g.. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
h.. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
i.. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
j.. Rubbish would take itself out.
k.. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
l.. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
m.. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's £ 10 off."
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Top Nine Things Only Women Understand
9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
7. Crying can be fun.
6. FAT CLOTHES.
5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
And The Number One Thing Only Women Understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
180-
My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.:)~
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions
(that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way-- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king Shit! DAMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
foetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back.
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APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return NOT to exceed:
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total
Locations to be visited
Females with whom conversation is permitted
IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Robbie Williams concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:
Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:
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What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
Her legs.
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33 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL DICK
1. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
2. Were you neutered?
3. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
4. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
5. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
6. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
7. I'm sorry.
8. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
9. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
10. Let me know when you're done.
11. Does it come with an air pump?
12. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
13. Did you date Lorena Bobbie?
14. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
15. Aww, it's hiding.
16. Are you cold?
17. I didn't know they came that small.
18. If you get me real drunk first.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. Who circumcised you?
21. Wow, and your feet are so big.
22. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
23. Never mind, why bother.
24. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
25. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
26. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
27. (giggle and point)
28. Can I be honest with you?
29. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
30. Let me go get my tweezers.
31. How sweet, you brought incense.
32. But it still works right?
33. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
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A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
185-
Why do women have two holes close together?
Just in case you miss the first one.
186-
Questions and answers about women
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What's the difference between a pay check and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
187-
Why do women wear high heels, wear lots of make-up, and constantly use perfume?
Because they are short, ugly, and smelly.
188-
Women vs Men ...
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her friend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
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What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
190-
Longest Single Breath Sentence
A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.
191-
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
192-
The three stages of increasing gut size consist of the following:
Stage 1. You can no longer see your penis.
Stage 2. You can no longer see if your penis is erect or not.
Stage 3. You can no longer see who is giving you head.
193-
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
194-
In praise of older women
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will not lay next to you in bed and ask: "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, I praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-groomed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologise.
195-
There she is sitting up in bed chopping firewood when she turns to me and says,
"You're a lazy bastard!"
"What do you mean, my beloved?" I replied.
"You haven't put any fresh water in that goldfish bowl for over 6 months"
"But dearest, they haven't drunk that lot yet" I said.
196-
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security,
Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
197-
Poor Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
198-
Men Underestimate A Woman's Value..........
Until They Start Paying Alimony
199-
Waldo hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
200-
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
201-
Moods
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said: "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says: "I'll miss you."
He said: 'Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.' She said: 'Well, you've succeeded.'
He said: 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said: 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
lie on the sofa and fart'.
He said: 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'. She said: 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
202-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
203-
TEN REASONS WHY SOME MEN PREFER HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN
#10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favoured over a woman!
#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun
204-
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
205-
I hate when I hear people say, "Nice guys finish last." Seems every nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last.
206-
Rejection Letter to Mr Not-Right
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
207-
What men wish women knew
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
2. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
3. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
4. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
5. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
208-
What Women Say (And What They Really Mean)
I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on "Hee Haw.")
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
I've got a boyfriend. (I'd rather stay home alone.)
I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and as my job has got to be better than dating you.)
I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.)
What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)
I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You're ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
Let's be friends. (You're ugly.)
209-
There Are At Least Eight Types Of Orgasm Of A Woman.
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............
4. The Traveller - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................
6. The Usurer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...
8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!
210-
Always remember these seven important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behaviour. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
211-
Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:
Did you come? == Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. == Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.
I never meant to hurt you. == I thought you weren't a virgin.
Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.
I love you. == You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. == Next!
I want a commitment. == I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.
I still think about you. == I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.
It's never been like this before. == It's my first time.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* == Aren't you done yet?
No, I don't want to dance right now = Shoot! She'll know she gave me a woody!
The break-up should not start 'til tomorrow = I want to have sex a few more times.
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
We've been through so much together = If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
I've learned a lot from you. = Next!!!!
I need you = My hand is tired. I want you back = ...for tonight anyway.
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised.
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
Want to snuggle? = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you really love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
Do what you want and sulk. = I'll just sit on the couch.
I'm feeling romantic tonight. = There's no game on tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! = I'm losing my hair.
I had her. = I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
How much do you love me? = I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.
It's just orange juice, try it. = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
She's kinda cute. = I want to have sex with her till I am blue.
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me.
I really want to get to know you better. = ..So I can tell my friends about it.
How do I compare with all you other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?
The car isn't running right. = I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.
My tools are obsolete. = I can't figure out how to work the old ones and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.
I know where I am. = Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
I need new shoes = The pair that I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.
The remote is broken. = Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.
I'm hungry. = Make me something to eat.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I can't see the tv from here.
The dishwasher is full. = I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.
It's your decision. = I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just take half the credit.
We need to talk. = I need to complain.
Sure,... go ahead. = I don't want you. to....but.... I'll use this next time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
You're,... so feminine. = Do you do laundry... cook...windows...bake?
Let's be romantic... = Turn out the lights.
Beer gut? = What beer gut...Ohh....uh..o.
You want... = I know what you should want.
We need... = I want.
212-
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man.
213-
An Ode to Oral Sex
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, you're on the rag.
214-
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
215-
Vibrator Versus Men
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because ... They don't get tired after the first time They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a. m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot. It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
216-
Why is giving a Blow Job a win/win situation?
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!
217-
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
218-
There's a double standard, even today.
A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions.
If you're a woman, & you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a whore.
219-
Q: Did you hear about the new female delivery service?
A: It's called 'PMS'. They deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
220-
New Year's Resolutions and Goals
The Basic Difference: HER (X) / HIS(Y)
X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X: Get organized/clean house Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X: Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance Y: Score with tall, long-legged Blonde in Finance
X: Read More / Less TV Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X: Plan budget / Save more money Y: Only three nights at topless bar per week
221-
More Things A Man Will Never Say
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
222-
He Would Never Say ...
1 Can we park a little closer? I can't walk in these shoes
2 What are you thinking?
3 I get on so well with your dad
4 I'm tired, why don't you drive?
5 Can we just share a dessert?
6 Let's stay in tonight and watch Dirty Dancing
7 I don't actually know what's wrong with your car
8 You can never have too many shoes
9 I'll just go and ask for directions
10 Does my bum look big in this?
11 I think oral sex is overrated
12 I'm really not skilled enough to second-guess the Springbok coach
13 Don't you think you're driving too fast?
14 I think I'll just watch the highlights
15 Can't we just cuddle instead?
She Would Never Say ...
1 Please tape the rugby for me while I'm out with my mates
2 Don't worry, I'll take out the rubbish
3 You've already got a pair of black shoes. What do you need a new pair for?
4 Leave the toilet seat up. It's so much more comfortable that way
5 I'm just taking one pair of shoes for the weekend
6 I hate getting flowers. They just die so quickly
7 Why don't we invite your ex over for dinner?
8 Let's rent the new Jean Claude van Damme tonight
9 The seal broke on the washing machine, but I've fixed it
10 Won't you smell this and tell me if it's off?
11 I wouldn't lift the bedcovers if I was you
12 Do you want to hear me burp the alphabet?
13 The girl in my office really fancies you. How about a threesome?
14 If you're not going to finish your chips, can I have them?
15 Is it Valentine's Day already?
223-
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
224-
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men are: they're a bunch of fucking liars."
225-
Q. What Do You Call A Woman That Works Like A Man??
A. A Lazy Bitch.
226-
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
227-
CYBER SEX REJECTION FORM
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair.
Below, you will find the reason(s) for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of
"brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
_____ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
_____ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
_____ You typed your own name at the end.
_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
______ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record.
______ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
______ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think.
______ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special... as in cyber cheating.
______ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
______ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, _________ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten SOB __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs __ Good riddance
(alias)
228-
Q. How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
A. Her ankles swell when she farts.
229-
TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS:
Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.
Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to it's excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. After "Invalid Card" is displayed, remove the aforementioned "Marks & Spencer's" Charge card and insert correct cash point card,
11. Remove cash point card.
12. Re-insert cash point card the right way up.
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
14. Enter PIN.
15. Press "Cancel" and enter correct PIN.
16. Enter amount of cash required.
17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
18. Retrieve cash and receipt.
19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
21. Re-check make-up.
22. Drive forward 2 metres.
23. Reverse back to cash machine. Wave to exasperated male customer in car behind.
24. Retrieve card.
25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release handbrake.
230-
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
t hat I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ....... I think not.
231-
Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A: A woman's mouth.
232-
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely
grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES !
233-
Hey guys, has she really forgiven you?
Her eyes say, "Maybe," but the lighter fluid in your hair and the match in her hand say, "Not really."
234-
Today is 'International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day', so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOW, what a ride!" Have an wonderful day!
235-
Why don't too many women enjoy basketball players as lovers?
They always dribble before they shoot
236-
Scientists have proven that the DNA found in donkeys & bats is exactly the same as that found in the human male........ which explains the constant stubbornness & lack of vision.
Scientists have just proven that the DNA found in cows & dung beetles is exactly the same as that found in the human female........ which explains the big tits & constant looking for shit.
237-
24 Things Women Want To Hear In 2005 (those women and their fantasies....)
1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
10. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
11. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
12. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
13. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
14. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
15. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
16. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
17. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
18. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
19. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
20. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
21. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
22. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
23. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
24. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
238-
New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant. Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.
239-
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed.
After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut 'It' off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your 'Other Stuff'?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
240-
Melissa was
towelling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few grey pubic hairs.
She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately... but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"
241-
Q: Why are guys so good at video games?
A: It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy
centrefolds.
242-
Women are like wine:
I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.
243-
Q: Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
A: Because women have four lips and men have two heads.
244-
Fantasy vs. Reality
FANTASY: He'll lavish you with gifts for no particular reason. REALITY: You've got him confused with Santa Claus, who's already married, anyway.
FANTASY: He'll be tall. REALITY: He'll say he's five-foot-ten, although you'll tower over him at five-seven.
FANTASY: He'll look at no other women. REALITY: He still thinks Sharon Stone, the swimsuit model in Sports Ill., and the young babysitter down the street all want to meet him.
FANTASY: You'll be in his every thought. REALITY: He'll spend half his life obsessing about a receding hairline, the other half rehashing the latest game on ESPN.
FANTASY: He'll be witty. REALITY: He'll still tell knock-knock jokes.
FANTASY: You'll share the same interests. REALITY: He'll cancel a romantic evening with you for a tractor pull.
FANTASY: He always walk beside you, smother you with kisses, and give you unconditional love. REALITY: Now you've got him confused with the family dog!
245-
The Top 10 Clever Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You
"If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadburys Creme Eggs that you like so much."
"Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
"No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
"So, twenty bucks then?"
"No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
"With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
"Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
"At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
"Look, do you want that raise or not?"
"The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
246-
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says,
"Damnit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.
However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
247-
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
Bar food again!? Kick ass.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
You are so much smarter than my father.
If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Match of the Day
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* Hot tub tips for women
Vol. 1 - Etiquette
It is not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby"
Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not
Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger wangs on Hamsters"
It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas
Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.
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Women can sleep with whoever they want; men have to sleep with whoever will let them
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50 Rules For Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules... No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lard ass," and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you are not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. ~ Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
The fact that she has to go through labour while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.
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MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING
Kissing/Light Petting What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic
breath--ewwww!"
Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the altar of your impressive manhood for hours." What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance." What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like." What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
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Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns
17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my
3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of
de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Won Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Question: If you are sitting in the living room watching football on the tele and drinking a beer when all of a sudden the wife walks into the room, what is wrong?
Answer: The chain is to long.
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36 reasons Why it's Cool to be a Man...