Marriage
1-
This chap goes to place his wife's obituary in the local paper, unfortunately he only has £1 and for that he gets three words. He asks the the women if he can just put "Doris is Dead" as he only has one pound to his name.
She explains to him that this is probably not enough and taking pity on him offers him six words for his pound.
The old chap really appreciates this gesture and increases the obituary to:
"Doris is Dead, Fiesta for sale"!
2-
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
3-
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. De Bakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
4-
A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live."
"OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"
5-
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake maintaining a steady vigil by
her side.
As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed
onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips
began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't
talk."
But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice "I
have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's
alright.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best
friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he
said.
"You do?" she asked.
"Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you slut?"
6-
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
7-
Two buddies were sharing drinks, while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, no, not exactly. She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his buddy replied.
"Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?"
"Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this... I sit up 'n' beg, then she rolls over and 'plays dead'."
8-
Checklist for a happy marriage
The secret checklist for a happy marriage:
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex
¯
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4. It is important that these three women never meet.
9-
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go there again and i`ll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady`s hips and the little old lady then leans forward and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The two old pensioners by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago? The pensioner replies " son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn`t electrified
10-
A husband and wife are having a meal in a smart uptown restaurant. Half way through the meal the husband excuses himself from the table and goes across the dining room to talk to a very attractive blonde who has just walked in on her own. When he gets back to the table his wife asks him “Who was that blonde?”
“That’s my mistress” replies hubby.
Naturally the wife goes ballistic and starts demanding an immediate divorce.
After listening to 10 minutes of her haranguing the husband calmly says “Remember the pre-nuptial agreement you signed? If you divorce me there will be only £50,000 settlement for you. You’ll lose your Mercedes, the house, the cottage in France, the 3 holidays a year and the £30,000 allowance for clothes etc”
The wife goes quiet and starts to reflect on this when she notices one of their friends entering the restaurant with a woman she doesn’t recognise.
“Who is that with Jack” she asks
The husband turns round, checks out the couple and turns back to his wife. “That’s Jack’s mistress” he replies
“Hmm” ,says his wife “Ours is prettier”
11-
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."
12-
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman asks, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid," said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there is no pool here."
After a long pause, the woman says, "Is this 234569?"
13-
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
14-
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet the dedicated wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When the husband finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As the wife sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me."
The husband continued, "When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck. Why don’t you fuck off."
15-
From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry." "No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one, two, three, four, you, six, seven..."
16-
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
17-
A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach. The man's wife sarcastically said, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "How else could I see the numbers?"
18-
A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw me in front of you naked, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "and what are you thinking now?" The husband replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
19-
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got." He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off. He say's to the guy, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?" The man sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole week!" The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?" The man replied, "Well today's the last day!"
20-
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
21-
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly horny and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
22-
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of salmon, some trout, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
23-
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to wipe, and then discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties," so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties!" The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
24-
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
25-
Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Morris says, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, Sadie says, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet." He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan..."
She says, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
26-
A man is watching the football on TV when his wife turns to him and says: "Honey can you fix the light in the hallway it keeps flickering"
"Fix the light, now, do I look as though I have London Electricity written across my forehead? I don't think so" the husband replies.
"Well could you fix the fridge door please it doesn't close properly" she adds.
"The fridge door, now! Do I look as though I have Hotpoint written across my forehead, I don't think so" he replies again.
"Well could you at least fix the steps to the house, they are nearly breaking and dangerous" she say despairingly.
What? The steps? For God's sake can you see B&Q across my forehead, No,I don't think so - I've had enough of this I'm going to the pub"
So off he goes and drinks until closing time. When he returns home he notices that the steps to house have been fixed. On entering the house the hall light is no longer flickering and on grabbing a beer from the fridge he is pleased to see the door closes properly. Somewhat pleased with this "disappearing to the pub tactic" he asked his wife how come everything is fixed.
She replies: Well you see when you left I sat on the front porch crying, when suddenly this handsome young man asked why I was so upset. I told him and he said that he would happily fix everything if I would either bake him a cake or have sex with him"
"So" the husband enquires "what sort of cake did you bake him?"
"HELLO!!!" she replies, do I have Mr Kipling written on my forehead. No, I don't think so.
27-
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage. Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry? Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone. Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared? Husband: I don't see why not, It would be empty, you wouldn't be there. Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared? Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed. Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes? Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice. Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.
28-
A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem.
"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said.
"Is this true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband.
"Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me."
29-
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
30-
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
31-
Jones was having difficulties in business. "If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute," he said to his wife sadly, "it might make all the difference."
"If that is all," said Mrs. Jones, "then all is well."
She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills.
"I've kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the jar every time we made love. You can have it now. There's almost three thousand dollars there."
Jones looked at the jar with stupefaction. Finally he said, "Oh, if only I had given you all of my business."
32-
Frank has been feeling poorly lately...depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative.
His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him.
After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office.
"Mrs. Johnson," says the doctor, "I'm afraid Frank's stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two."
"My God!," says Estelle. "Isn't there anything we can do?"
"Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best...show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don't let him wait and start to brood, and don't let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don't use frozen foods...if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him.
And most important, give him sex whenever and wherever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I'm certain we'll have Frank around for many, many years."
As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. "Well, what does the doctor say?"
"He says you're gonna die."
33-
This guy and his newlywed wife go off to a fancy hotel to celebrate their first night of marriage. Both of them had been saving themselves for this night and both were very anxious to, you could say, get everything underway.
They strip down naked and are about to start getting kinky when the husband takes a look at his wife and says, "That's quite a fair sized butt you got there!!"
His wife starts screaming at him and going mad telling him he should think about what he says and that she had been waiting her whole life for this one night and then she kicks him out the room!
As he's standing in the passage feeling very despondent, he hears another door slam shut and sees another guy standing there with the same helpless look on his face. He asks the second guy what happened and he says, "Well tonight is my first night of my honeymoon. Both my wife and I had been saving ourselves for this one night. As we were getting ready I looked at her naked body and said, 'Quite the hefty pair of tits you got there!' Next thing she starts going wild and screaming and shouting, telling me I'm going to give her a complex or something, and then she kicked me out!"
Just then they hear a third door slam shut and see another guy standing there.
The first one asks him, "Did you also put your foot in it?"
And he replies, "No, but I could have!!"
34-
Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man's wife to her place of employment...a brothel.
During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, "I don't mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?"
"That is impossible!" The man replied alarmingly. "My wife stays home while I am at work."
"You are being deceived, sir," the cab driver taunted. "As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place."
Both men agreed and after dropping the man's wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back.
"I do not wish to enter such a place," began the man. "I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife."
Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife.
The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside.
"Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife," replied the man.
"I know," answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. "I'm going back in after yours, that one's mine!"
35-
A husband was coming out of anesthesia after an operation in hospital.
His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband woke up again and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" asked the wife.
"The drugs are wearing off," the husband replied.
36-
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poisonous mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poisonous mushrooms, too.
Jim: And your third ate poisonous mushrooms, too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see. An accident?
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms!
37-
Every week at the grocery store Mary and Ellen, two old friends, would cross shopping carts.
One day one Mary notices a package of dog food in Ellen's cart and comments, "I didn't know you had a dog."
"I don't," says Ellen, "I give it to my husband, Henry. It's less expensive than ground meat and he doesn't know the difference. Besides, he loves the stuff."
"You're going to kill him if you continue to feed him dog food," Mary warns.
"Nah, he can't get enough of it," Ellen responds.
Two weeks later they cross paths in the grocery store again and Mary notices two large bags of dog food in Ellen's shopping cart.
"I see you're still buying dog food," Mary shouts. "Mark my words, you're going to kill Henry if you keep feeding that stuff to him."
"No way," says Ellen, "I simply mix it with a little water. It makes a nice gravy and he eats more than ever before. He doesn't know the difference and he really loves it."
Four weeks go by when they meet in the same aisle of the grocery store. This time Mary notices there is no longer any dog food in the cart.
"I see you're not buying Henry dog food any longer?" Mary inquires, "did he finally wise up?"
"No, unfortunately, Henry passed away last week," Ellen responds.
"I told you that damn dog food was going to kill Henry," Mary gleams.
"Oh, no, it wasn't that," Ellen answers. "He was run over in the middle of the street while licking his balls."
38-
One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama, Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing, rocking to and fro.
Then Pa turns to Ma and says, "Screw you, Ma."
A minute passes by when Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
Another minute passes by and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
Again another minute passes by and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
After a couple of minutes pass by, Pa says to Ma, "You know something, Ma. I don't know what the fuss is all about but I just don't get too much from this oral sex thing."
39-
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy cooh...?"asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar....you know... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a
blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
40-
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.!!"
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
41-
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behaviour.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
42-
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied.
"Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
43-
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system down at the fire station:"
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole
BELL 3 rings and we' jump up on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump into bed. And when I say BELL 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1 !" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled
"BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled
"BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!
44-
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that
there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"Why didn’t you fill it?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want you to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
45-
He said. . . Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said. . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart.
46-
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
47-
A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.
When the police arrived and asked for a description, she said, "He's six-foot-tall, with wavy blond hair and an athletic build."
The police went door-to-door looking for more information. But the woman who lived at the next house said, "What? That woman's husband is five-foot-four, with no hair and a beer belly the size of Australia!"
The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why she gave a false description for her husband.
The lady sighed and replied, "Just because he's missing, that doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
48-
A man takes his wife to the livestock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
49-
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"
50-
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
51-
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!
52-
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
53-
Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a "night out with the boys."
I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."
54-
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a bonk?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do.
These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand."
55-
This story apparently occurred on Melbourne radio
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex ?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.
Now we’ll take a music break.
56-
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”
57-
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties *and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"
58-
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?" she asks: "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies: "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course, " says the man proudly. The wife responds: "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be really nice if you came second for a change."
59-
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Darling, this man hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him and make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Darling, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too."
60-
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens but all his life Sam has wanted to own an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie: "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,: "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells: "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
And Bessie said: "You shoulda bought a hat!"
61-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
62-
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
63-
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
64-
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
65-
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
66-
A man is sitting at home with his wife. He says to her, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"
"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."
67-
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."
68-
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
69-
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
70-
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
71-
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
72-
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
73-
A man and his wife are fucking. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.
The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?"
74-
Three weeks after her wedding day, Jane called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed: "John and I had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister: "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight." "I know, I know," sobbed Jane: "but what am I going to do with the body?"
75-
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse you wrote 'Three times a week and your wife 'Three times a night."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."
76-
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
77-
All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?"
Wife said, "Because, you are a bad fuck".
Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife.
This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"
Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference.
78-
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.
The lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
79-
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs, he'll take care of you."
So ... up she went. When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man -- go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So ... up she went. When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he's missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama!"
80-
Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.
He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says: "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.
A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back: "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"
81-
An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6 months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.
She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line.
Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?"
82-
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear" she said, "what's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you" he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
83-
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve
84-
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'it' too big, it's too big'."
85-
A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come ever' time."
The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you’re fucking like a black guy!"
86-
Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder and lightning.
87-
An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
88-
Ken was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Promise to fulfil my last request, Cindy," he said.
"Of course, Ken," his wife said.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Tim."
"But I thought you hated Tim," she said.
With his last breath, Ken said, "I do!"
89-
A fortune teller admits to a wife, "I can’t hide the truth from you prepare to become a widow. Your husband is going to die soon."
"Yes I know that, " says the woman. "Now look again and tell me if I’m going to get acquitted."
90-
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: ...........before marriage and after marriage.
91-
A groom and his newlywed wife go to the resort hotel for their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and a gallon of orange juice."
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"
92-
After several disastrous attempts to synchronise his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to hear about a new product called Now!-Agra. Each pill came with strict instructions; 'To be taken only
immediately before sex'.
So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly
relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was begining to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So I took it there and then..."
"And..."
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
93-
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most
evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary,
thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a
local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for
that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the
door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."
94-
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Bessie, the bride left the bathroom to find Moe, the bridegroom, with his prayer book in front of the bed.
"So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance" answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
95-
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.
96-
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"£100" answers the man.
"£100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night out!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
97-
So I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one."
And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
98-
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
99-
How I Met my Wife
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
100-
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one- dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."
101-
In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, "Darling, it's so cold!"
The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and carefully tucked it around his wife's body. After a while, the wife woke him once again, "My dear, it's so hot here." The husband jumped out of bed and rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and said, "My love, I want a man."
"But be reasonable," the husband said. "Where can I find a man in the middle of night?"
102-
My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money."
What does she do with all the money?
Dunno. Never gave her a penny.
103-
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
104-
Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.
105-
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
106-
A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.
She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."
"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."
"What is that," says the wife?
"A blow job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
107-
A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor.
"What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."
"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"
"Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"
"But I don't need Viagra with the maid."
108-
I got home from the pub the other night and I was a bit late, when I opened the front door
the wife was standing there with a rolling pin in her hand, I said "Bit late for cooking dear."
109-
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been kissing someone, haven't you?"
He says, "Nope."
She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
110-
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
111-
The elegant couple were getting ready to go out to dinner.
"What dress should I wear?", she calls down to her husband.
"Oh try that new Versace number, sweetheart", he calls back.
"Diamonds or pearls. Which would go better with the dress?, she calls down.
"Wear them both sweetheart", comes the reply.
"It's a bit cold out, should I wear the sable or the mink darling?"
"The mink sweetheart, it really suits you"
"Are we taking the Bentley or the Ferrari darling?"
"Well you've taken so long getting ready that I'll need to take the Ferrari, otherwise we'll never make it in time for the early bird special"
112-
Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky.
“Oh no, not another new dress and accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?”
Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I’m certainly not nosey!”
113-
Dave and Sue had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Dave said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
She replied, “Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”
114-
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me £20 change!"
115-
Alf arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Michael Bloom has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Alf," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don’t have."
But Sadie hadn’t finished.
"And that’s not all. I hear that Bernard, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking – another example of the kind of will power that you don’t have."
"OK, Sadie," said Alf, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won’t be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Alf keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Alf shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Bloom has started smoking again."
116-
Mike had been away on a lengthy business trip and on the plane back home, he began thinking of all the romantic things he would do on his return. So when he came home, he quietly suggested to Becky that they go to bed early that night for a bit of l-o-v-e. But Becky said, "Oh Mike, I'm so tired from looking after the house all the time you were away. Please, another time if you don’t mind."
The next night Mike asked again. Becky said, "Oh, Mike, I’ve got such a terrible headache. I won’t be able to do anything and it wouldn't be any good. Please, wait a bit longer."
On the third night, Mike had gotten just a little impatient. "How about it?" he said, a bit abruptly.
Becky snapped back at him, "Mike. This is the third night in a row you've asked me. What are you? Some kind of sex maniac?"
117-
Q: What is a married woman’s idea of a dream home?
A: 6,000 sq. ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.
118-
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
119-
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents. They both agreed that life was good, but one of the women, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had arrived at the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great! "There is a secret to great sex," explained Hazel. "When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. Then, when he sees me like that, he gets really excited and we have wild sex all night!"
"I'm going to try that tonight!" insists Ethel.
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that evening, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Soon, she has the other leg behind her head too. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband walks into the bedroom. With a shocked look on his face, he screams, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an
arsehole!"
120-
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewellery and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. Universe.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model... for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
121-
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hear the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman". I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth £300 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said,
"I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face .... It went completely blank. I then said,
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You’re obviously are not in tune with my financial needs as a "Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring of 2006!
122-
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
123-
My wife complains that I don't listen to a word she says.
At least, I think that’s what she said.
124-
While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man "My Wife"
125-
A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.
The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
126-
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
127-
Husband: "Would you like to have sex tonight?"
Wife: "No".
Husband: "Are you sure?"
Wife: "Yes, I'm sure."
Husband: "Is that your final answer?"
Wife: "Yes, it is."
Husband: "In that case, can I phone a friend?"
128-
John suggested to his wife Claire that they try a new way to save some money. 'Every time we make love, I'll give you £1 for your piggy bank,' he told her. Weeks later, they opened the piggy bank. Out tumbled a heap of coins, along with a cluster of £10 and £20 notes.
'Where did you get all that from, Claire?' asked John. 'I only gave you £1 each time we had sex.' 'So,' she said, 'do you think that everyone is as cheap as you?'
129-
On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle with a big grin on his face. His best man said: 'I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a huge smile.'
The groom whispered: I've just had the best blow job ever.'
As the bride walked down the aisle, she was also grinning from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her: 'I know this is the happiest day of your life, but I've never seen you with a bigger smile.'
The bride whispered: I've just given my last blow job.'
130-
A sex-starved wife's fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home.
When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". she can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full
length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her pussy. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a beard would suit me!"
131-
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What
colour?" they asked.
He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty pounds."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said,
"Have you ever seen a Cocker Spaniel's ears?
132-
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
133-
Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
134-
A woman walks into a chemist's and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist asks: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman then explains she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
eyes got big and he whispered: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The woman simply reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said: "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription!"
135-
A woman gained a few pounds and it was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to anyone else, she asked her husband, "Do these jeans make my bum look like the back end of a London bus?"
"Of course not!" he replied, "London buses are red."
136-
A middle aged couple went to Las Vegas for their second honeymoon, but unfortunately lost all their money gambling and didn't have enough money left to pay all their hotel bill.
Feeling quite desperate, they happened to pass a poster advertising a visiting rodeo. Enormous prizes could be won for staying on the bucking bronco.
The husband decided to have a go even though many had gone before him and all had fallen off. To the amazement of the onlookers he managed to stay on and won 30,000 dollars.
The wife was dumbfounded. "How did you manage that? You've never been on a horse in your life."
"I know, but don't you remember when we went on our honeymoon and you had that dreadful cough?"
137-
Will I be the first to do this to you?" he whispered to his bride on their wedding night.
"Silly boy," she said. "How could I know? You have not told me which position you are going to use!"
138-
Man "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere "
139-
A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hotdogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
140-
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barracked for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his eye.
141-
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'
142-
Marriage is certainly a big risk. If it goes sour, you can lose some of your most prized possessions. Just ask John Bobbitt.
143-
The judge turns to the woman and says: "I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds he's an uncouth slob. Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your Honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, in fact, it's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out" says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman " I wasn't talking about his finger"
144-
A newlywed is telling her friend how she's been teaching her husband manners.
Suddenly he rushes in and shouts: "How about a quickie?"
Shocked the girls friend says: "I thought you were teaching him manners?"
"Oh but I am" she says "A month ago he wouldn't have even asked"
145
A woman asks her husband: "Be honest, does this skirt make my bum look big?"
"Of course not, darling," He replies. "Don't be so silly"
Flattered, the woman is about to kiss him when he adds:
"It's all that bloody chocolate you eat that makes your bum look big"
146-
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself".
147-
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
148-
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
149-
An old widow and widower get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process the old woman removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously. He is intently watching... She continues.
She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and he continues to stare in an interested manner. As she takes off her wig, she realizes that he is not making much progress in getting undressed.
He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
He quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
150-
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in
theatre arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
151-
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in cling-film from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, Michael spots his wife all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately remarks, "Leftovers again!"
152-
Darren marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."
153-
"Who will give the bride away?" asked the preacher.
"I could," came a voice from the back of the church, "but I'm keeping my mouth shut."
154-
A woman went to the pub with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the publican.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.
155-
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!
156-
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.
As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself, "At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite.What a laugh!"
That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite their suite. All night long, all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room. He couldn't believe his ears.
In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at his age.
"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her clothes. Then..."
"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.
"Grinning, the elderly husband replied, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."
"You make a BET?" exclaimed the bellhop. "What bet?!?"
Smirking, the husband explained, "If it falls to the right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins."
"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.
"Then we both win!" replied the husband
157-
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
158-
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
159-
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite".
160-
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
161-
The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"
The soldier immediately replied, "Fuck my wife."
The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"
"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"
162-
The wife wants to try the missionary position. Her on top, me in Africa.
163-
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"
"I turned out the light," the second man replied.
164-
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles. We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused.
She then asked, "What do you do about it?"
We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"
We said no way! She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"
We both said yes.
At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
165-
It seems this particular guy was an incurable practical joker, particularly when people got married. So when he got engaged he became dead nervous and was constantly looking out for retaliation. But everything went smoothly. No problems at the wedding or the reception, and he and his bride left for their honeymoon. After a long and apparently wonderful night together they decided to use room service to order breakfast. He reached for the phone:
Happy groom: "This is room 435. We'd like to order breakfast sent up."
Room service: "For how many people?"
Happy groom: "Two"
From under the bed: "Nah, make it five!"
166-
Jack was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Jack, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?"
167-
Going to a school reunion with a mate? Bring along your wives - but