Limericks & Poems
1-
There was a young maid from Darjeeling
Who said she had no sexual feeling
Till a sailor named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling
2-
There was a young lady from Lancs
Who was ace at two-handed wanks
The boys queued all day
And were oft heard to say
"Super, fantastic and thanks."
3-
There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.
4-
A fat poxy whore from old Delhi
Was really incredibly smelly
The reason was clear
Her men used to smear
The come from their tools on her belly.
5-
There was a young maid from Nepal
Who had practically no bush at all
The reason she said
Was on top of her bed
Perched a thatch-eating yellow macaw.
6-
A wealthy young Madam called Rouse
Ran an extremely tolerant house
For ten bob a go
You could let yourself go
And bugger a little pet mouse.
7-
A blushing young bride from Tonypandy
With her quim was incredibly handy
On her wedding night
To her husband's delight
She filled it with three pints of brandy
8-
There was a young lady named Caro
Whose man had a tool like a marrow
Although great in bed
It has to be said
He carried it round in a barrow.
9-
Now little John James was a dork
Who thought he'd been brought by the stork
His Pa wasn't better
He bought a French letter
And tested its strength with a fork.
10-
An old slapper from downtown Port Said
Had a twat incredibly wide
You may think it banal
But the Suez Canal
Was quite tiny beside.
11-
Two dykes got to speaking one day
About their preferred form of play
One said "Isn't the hunt
For a nice juicy cunt
Far better than your average lay."
12-
A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.
13-
A clapped out old queen from Darjeeling
Complained of a distinct lack of feeling
But the old rags he wore
On the tip of his sore
Left his customers quite sick and reeling.
14-
A young man whose name was Tim Lesser
Was an extremely avid cross dresser
But his new bondage gear
Brought an irrational fear
Of coming too quick through the pressure.
15-
There was a young man from Halesowen
Whose tool kept on growing and growing
He said "Oh my dear
The reason is clear
It's all the seed I've been sowing".
16-
A dwarf on vacation in Crete
Said "I am terribly anxious to meet
A young lady of leisure
Who'd allow me to pleasure
The hairs on her twat with my feet."
17-
A shepherd from Cheshire's soft hills
Was always looking for thrills
Till a sheep he molested
Loudly protested
And sent him the veterinary's bills
18-
A whaler captain's daughter named Rose
Had nostrils so big in her nose
That boys after supper
Would stick themselves up her
And cry "There she blows".
19-
A dyke and a queer named Groom
Were planning their honeymoon
Groom said "My dear
It's not very clear
Who should do what to whom".
20-
This is the story of Judith Smiles
Who went out one night on the tiles
But she made a mistake
With a sailor named Drake
Who missed and punctured her piles.
21-
Weathergirl Angela Gore
Said "My dear it's a bore
When a cold weather front
Just blows up my cunt
Making it terribly itchy and sore
22-
A horny young lady named Lil
Fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
23-
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one"
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."
24-
Little Jimmy was struggling with a homework assignment his 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Adams, had given her English class.
Jimmy's grandmother realized that the boy was having difficulty when she saw all the scrunched up papers around the kitchen table where he was working.
"Having a problem with your homework, dear?" asked the sweet old lady.
"I am, Grandma", said Jimmy, dropping his pencil dejectedly on the table. "We're supposed to make up a limerick and read it to the class, but whenever I get an idea, I can't make it rhyme."
"Well, dear, when I was a girl, I loved to make up limericks and whisper them to my little girl friends. We used to laugh till our sides ached, but in those days it wasn't considered proper for a young lady to even be reading
limericks, let alone writing them."
Jimmy's little face lit up. "Oh tell me one, Grandma, please" he begged.
"Oh I couldn't", blushed his grandmother. "Your elders are supposed to be prim and proper and set a good example for the young people, especially their grandchildren."
"Just one, please, Grandma, please."
"Well, maybe just one, but I'll have to leave the dirty parts out." She cleared her throat and began:
"There once was a pretty young lass
Who da da da da da da da.
He opened da da da
She said da da da da
I'd love a good fuck up the ass."
25-
There once was a woman who begat
Triplets called Nat, Pat and Tat
They'd been fun in the breeding
But a nightmare for feeding ‘cos she found there was no tit for Tat.
26-
There once was a man from Nantucket,
whose cock was so long he could suck it,
while licking his chin,
he said with a grin,
if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
27-
There once was a man from kanass
Whose nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass
28-
"Mirror Mirror, On the wall,
Who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed, and with a grunt
said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"
29-
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
30-
A well-endowed guy called Apollo,
Remarked as he larked in the hollow,
"Darling, my dong
Is twelve inches long."
Said his girl, "That’s a hard one to swallow."
31-
THE FARTER FROM SPARTA
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play classics much finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While from his buttocks:
He played Chopin's Etude 12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His played it all, classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with his gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo so rare
He rendered with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform,
The William Tell overture storm.
But naught could dishearten our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in fabulous form.
The selection was tough, I’ll admit,
But this did not dismay him one bit,
Then with ass thrown aloft, he suddenly coughed,
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bung hole was flown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter.
With a gravestone of turds, inscribed with the words
"
To the fine art of farting - a martyr"
32-
From the depths of the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles
Said the vicar, “Good gracious,
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the bishop has piles?”
33-
"Paula Jones" said Bill Clinton, with affection
"Oh, please, won't you lick my erection?"
But Paula, so silly
misunderstood Willy
And thought he said, "Wreck my election!"
34-
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
35-
My dearest duck and darling chicken
I read your letter while i was shittin
The ground was hard and wet the grass
So I used your letter to wipe my ass
36-
ESKIMO NELL - A TALE OF THE FROZEN NORTH
When men grow old and their ball turn cold
And the tip of their pricks turn blue
They look back on their life of trouble and strife
And tell you a tale or two
So buy a drink, and I'll try to think
Of a tale that I can tell
Of Dead Eye Dick and his mighty prick
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell
When Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go out in search of fun
It's Dead Eye Dick who swings his prick
And Mexican Pete his gun
Now Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Had been working Dead Man's Creek
They'd had no luck in the way of a fuck
For well nigh over a week
Save a Moose or two and a Caribou
A Bison, a Cow or so
And Dead Eye Dick with his mighty prick
Had found this fucking slow
So Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Set out for the Rio Grande
Dead Eye Dick with a raving stand
And Pete with his gun in his hand
And as they blazed their randy trail
No man their way withstood
But many a bride, once Hubby's pride
Knew pregnant motherhood
They reached the shore of the Rio Grande
At the height of the blazing noon
To slake their thirst and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's Saloon
And as they crashed through the swinging doors
Both gun and prick flashed free
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks
You'll fuck or you'll drink with me"
They knew the tricks of Dead Eye Dick's
From Cape Horn to Panama
So with nothing worse than a muttered curse
Those Dagoes sought the bar
But the women knew his playful ways
Down in the Rio Grande
So forty whores took down their drawers
At Dead Eye Dick's command
They saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Slip to his pistol's grip
None dared wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip
And Dead Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
As forty arses came to light
Along with forty cunts
Forty arses and forty cunts
You'll see if you use your wits
And if you're slick at arithmetic
You'll find means eighty tits
Now four score tits is a thrilling sight
For a man with a mighty stand
A sight that's rare on Berkley Square
But not on the Rio Grande
Now Dead Eye Dick had oiled his prick
Upon the previous night
And this he'd done to have some fun
And whet his appetite
His phallic limb was in fighting trim
So backing he took a run
He made a jump for the nearest cunt
And scored a hole-in-one
He bore that whore to the sandy floor
And fairly fucked her fine
And though she grinned she put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine
Whenever Dick performs that trick
He has no time to spare
With speed and strength combined with length
He hardly ruffles his hair
Now Dead Eye Dick, he fucks them quick
So he threw the first aside
And he made a dart at the second tart
When the swing doors opened wide
And into that horrible hall of sin
Into that harlot's Hell
There strode a maid who's never afraid
And her name was Eskimo Nell
Now Dead Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell
And shouted "Dick, Hey you"!
He gave a flick of his mighty prick
And the whore flew over his head
He turned about and with a mighty shout
His face and brow turning red
But Eskimo Nell she took it well
And looked him between the eyes
She glanced at his horn with utter scorn
As it rose from his hairy thighs
She puffed a jet from her cigarette
Right at his steaming knob
But Mexican Pete was so utterly beat
That he failed to do his job
Eskimo Nell then broke the spell
In accents clear and cool
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp
Do you call that thing a tool?"
"If this whole town can't take that down"
She sneered at the cowering whores
"There's one little cunt that will beat the runt
And it's Eskimo Nell's not yours"
She stripped her garments one by one
Smiling with conscious pride
Till there she stood in her womanhood
And they saw the great divide
He laid her down on the tabletop
Where someone had left a glass
As he wriggled her tits she smashed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her arse
With subtle ease she bent her knees
And spread them wide apart
And with a gentle nod to the waiting sod
She gave him the cue to start
But Dead Eye Dick knew many a trick
And proceeded to take his time
A wench like this was a fucking bliss
So he played a pantomime
He flicked his foreskin up and down
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
Upon a garden gate
He winked his arsehole in and out
And his balls increased in size
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And nearly reached his eyes
He polished the top with alcohol
To make it steaming hot
And to finish the job he sprinkled his knob
With the cayenne pepper pot
He didn't back up or take a run
Nor take a flying leap
He didn't stoop but with a swoop
And a steady forward creep
He took sight with piercing light
Along his flaming tool
And the dead slow way he shoved it in
Was calculating cool
Have you ever seen the pistons work?
On a giant C.P.R.
With a driving force of a thousand horse
Then you know what pistons are
Or maybe you think you do
But you have to know the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a man like Dead Eye Dick
But Eskimo Nell was an infidel
She equaled a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the rock of ages abeam
Amidships she could stand a sea
Like the flush of a water closet
And she gripped his cock like a Chalwood lock
On the National Safe Deposit
But Dead Eye Dick would not come quick
He meant to preserve his power
To make her feel his red hot steel
Rammed home for many an hour
So he lay for a while with a subtle smile
While the grip of her cunt grew keener
Till with a flick of her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner
She performed this feat in a way so neat
That she set at great defiance
The primary clause of the basic laws
That governs sexual science
She simply rode through the phallic code
Which for ages stood the test
The erotic rules of the classic schools
Each blinking one went West
And now dear friend I'm near the end
Of this copulative epic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
Akin to an anesthetic
He hit the floor and knew no more
His lust extinct and dead
His knob came out but he didn't shout
Even though it must have stripped the thread
Then Mexican Pete leapt to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront
With a savage jolt he shoved his colt
Right up her steaming cunt
He felt it slip up to the pistol grip
And he fired twice times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And wriggled in ecstacy
Her smile was sweet as she found her feet
"Bully" she said "for you"
I might have guessed that was the best
Two shrimps like you could do
Next time my friend that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Give Dead Eye Dick a sugar stick
And buy yourself a bun
I'm going back to the frozen North
Where pricks are hard and strong
Back to the land of the mighty stand
Where the nights are six months long
Back to the land where they understand
What it means to copulate
Where the frozen dead sleep two in a bed
And even infants masturbate
Where you get it in as hard as tin
And spunk is really spunk
Not a trickling stream like lukewarm steam
But a frozen solid chunk
So Eskimo Nell said farewell
To Black Mike and the forty whores
And jumped on her horse not forgetting of course
To re-arrange her drawers
And as she rode through the silent night
On towards the dawn
The Northern Lights saw some wonderful sights
And even the moon had a horn
Now this horse of Nell's was under her spells
And he felt primeval amour
And he soon had a stand that she felt with her hand
And it tickled her fancy, The whore
So she got off her steed and quickly peed
Then slipped from her underwear
Laid the horse close down to her on the ground
And they made the perfect pair
Soon in intercourse she was locked with the horse
Buggery as you can see
But Eskimo Nell knew very well
Here was the ultimate ecstasy
Now Eskimo Nell has settled down well
And fucks twice a week or more often
And to keep in practice she'll fuck a cactus
To ensure her cunt doesn't soften
She's had lots of shag from her faithful nag
It's thrilled her and filled her with spunk
And so great was the spell that she's had it as well
From an elephant, both prick and trunk
37-
An accountant from Trinity Hall
Had a most mathematical ball
The square of its weight
Plus his prick minus eight
Equalled four times root cubed of fuck all!
38-
A girl who hiked o'er the land
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!
39-
The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em
40-
There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!
41-
We lay upon the grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt
Her leg fell in the river
42-
Old MacDonald had a farm
But we beat him to death.
And took it over.
(Zimbabwe Nursery Rhyme)
43-
There was a young girl from Uttoxeter
And the boys used to all flash their cocks at 'er
'Till one night she got hot
And poxed up the lot
So now they just throw bricks & rocks at 'er!
44-
A gravestone in an old western cemetery reads:
Here lies the bones of a screwy prick,
a man blessed at birth with a corkscrew dick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
to find that girl with the corkscrew cunt.
When he found her he soon fell dead,
the son-of-a-bitch had a left-hand thread
45-
There was a young girl from Carshalton
Who had a long tit and a short 'un
To make up for that
She had a big twat
And could fart like a 650 Norton!
46-
My wife just left, and the well went dry.
My horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
And the road washed out on the way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
And they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
So I can't even sit and read and smoke.
A tree fell on the chicken shed,
And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
And this old shack is about to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
And my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed, so I've lost my place,
And my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
And I lost my job and a whole lot more.
I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
As things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
To top off the worst ... my wife's coming back!
47-
Hi, The sky is blue
The grass is green
The harder I fuck
The louder you scream.
The louder you scream
The better I fuck
So give me a yell
And you might be in luck
48-
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart and with,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
Using a hammer and chissel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
With a piece of red velvet, he lines it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish, and gave it a smell.
Next came a preacher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a biker, dirty little runt,
Sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
49-
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!
50-
‘Twas on the China Station
We received our greatest ovation
When we sunk a junk
In a sea of spunk
By mutual masturbation
51-
There was a young fellow from Buckingham
Who stood on the bridge at Uppingham
Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the dicks
That were fucking them
52-
There was a young man from Madras
Who lay in the grass with a lass
He played oh so cool
Till she tickled his tool
And it foamed like a bottle of Bass
53-
She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.
54-
There once was a guy from El
Doot,
Who found seven huge warts on his root,
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He's got to finger the thing like a flute.
55-
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved
56-
Roses are red,
Lemons are sour,
Please spread your legs,
And give me an hour
57-
There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!
58-
There was an old girl from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny.
But for half of that sum
You could roger her bum
A source of amusement for many.
59-
There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."
60-
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
61-
There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.
62-
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
63-
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
64-
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille
65-
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he then built some chicks
Out of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
66-
Young Senator Kennedy from Mass
Wanted a new piece of ass
First he lucked up and found it
Then he fucked up and drowned it
And now his whole future is past
67-
There once was a woman from Arden
Who was sucking a man in her garden
Her mother said, "Flo,
Where does it all go??
And she answered, (gulp) "I Beg your pardon?
68-
That's amoré ...
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amoré.
When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!
When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...
A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham,
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.
When there's a great ugly fish,
Right on your dish,
That's John Dory
When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?
69-
Redneck Rhyme
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter,
who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
70-
A Dirty Old Man from Dundee
Once ravished an ape in a tree
The result was most horrid
All arse and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.
71-
A masculine girl from Khartoum
Took a ladylike boy to her room
They spent the whole night in a helluva fight
as to who should do what to whom.
72-
My dick is big, her arse is tight
I poked her anus with delight
but halfway there I hit a bump
the bitch forgot to take a dump
73-
A mathematician named Paul
had a hexahedronical ball
and the square of it's weight
times his pecker, plus eight
is his phone number, give him a call
74-
There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker
and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you.
75-
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Stupid boy should've jumped higher.
Goodness gracious! Great balls of fire!
76-
There was a man from Ladrass
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather they'd clank together
And sparks shot out of his arse
77-
There was an old man from Blomblosham
Who took out his balls to wash 'em
"Now Jack" said his wife "if you don't put 'em back"
"I'll sit on your knackers and squash 'em."
78-
There was a young fellow whose name was Dick
Who had, poor chap, a corkscrew prick
He spent his time in a lifelong hunt
To find a girl with a spiral cunt
He finished his search in far Glamorgan
Where he found a girl with such an organ
But his wedding night was one of dread
Because he found the bitch had a left hand thread
79-
ROSES ARE STRAIGHT
VIOLETS ARE TWISTED
BEND OVER LOVE
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET FISTED
ROSES ARE CRAP
VIOLETS ARE WANKY
OOOH I'VE JUST COME
PASS ME A HANKY
ROSES ARE STUPID
VIOLETS ARE SILLY
GREASE UP YOUR FLAPS
CAUSE HERE COMES MY WILLY
ROSES MAKE ME LAUGH
VIOLETS MAKE ME TITTER
YOU DIRTY BITCH
YOU LOVE IT UP THE SHI....
ROSES ARE RED
BUT I LIKE CARNATIONS
YOUR CRAP IN BED
SO I HAD YOUR ALSATIAN
80-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic and so am I
81-
ODE TO IMPOTENCE
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my waterspout
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full time job
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand up and watch me shave
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
82-
Evil Love Poems
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
83-
To Heather, Love Paul
She Stood On The Bridge At Midnight
Her Lips Were All A Quiver
She Gave A Cough
Her Leg Fell Off
And Floated Down The River
84-
There once was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead slut in his cave
You must admit
She smelled like shit
But think of all the money he saved.
85-
There once was a woman with a hot bod
Who believed firmly in God
But it wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie
It was Rodger the lodger
By God.
86-
There once was a queen from Bulgaria
Her minge had grown hairier and hairier
A man from Peru came up for a screw
And had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
87-
There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.
88-
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
89-
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I WOULD JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE IS TROUBLE STILL".
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
90-
There once was a nun from Siberia
Who was born with a virgin interior
Until a young monk
Jumped into her bunk
And now she's a mother superior!
91-
BUYING A BRA
I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.
But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with Ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three"
Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.
I crossed the street to the ladies' shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers ,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small .
Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady,
"Bag it up," And figured I was done
But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
" A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.
92-
A new spin on some nursery rhymes:-
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Poor Jack's gob
Was filled with knob
'Cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
"Listen, you prat.
I live in a flat.
How the fuck should I know?"
The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
And when he had the energy,
He had them all again.
Alternatively:
The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
And his case comes up next week....
Little Miss Druggy,
Sat in her buggy,
Smoking an ounce of weed.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And sold her a pound of speed.
Simple Simon
Met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon
To the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman
Unto Simon,
"Pies, you fuckwit!"
93-
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
94-
There was a young farmer from Delhi
Whose thing reduced lovers to Jelhi
He had them in bed, in the barn and the shed,
but alone he just came on his Belhi
95-
There once was a whore from Peru
Who filled her pussy with glue
She said with a grin
If they'll pay to get in
Then they'll pay to get out of me too!
96-
There once was a Lady from Madras,
who had a magnificent ass
it was not round, rosy
and pink as you think
But had long ears and ate grass.
97-
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvellous trick
He would row with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
98-
Sing to the tune of Winter Wonderland............
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
99-
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart"
100-
Sony's new error messages in Haiku form
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers
may enter this system.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
the Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao,
until You bring fresh toner
The Web site you seek
cannot be located
but endless others exist
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Out of memory
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind.
Both are blank.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
And a postscript from Roger McGough.........
writing a poem
in seventeen syllables
is very diffic
101-
There once was a farmer from Hay
Whose hens all refused to lay.
The trouble was Brewster,
The champion rooster,
Because Brewster, the rooster, was gay.
102-
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
103-
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale
And on her behind for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
104-
There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux
She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."
So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"
They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.
It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."
It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."
It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a leman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fuck's as effective with water."
Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid's Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it."
Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,
Yous should purchase (complet avec talic,
Pour soixante francs cinq)
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.
105-
There once was a queen from Bulgaria
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru came up for a screw
and had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
106-
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass;
And now his two front teeth are missing.
107-
There once was a man named McSweeny ,
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Well, just to be couth,
he added vermouth.
And slipped his girl a martini.
108-
There was a mathematician named Hall
who had an octagonal ball
the cube of its weight
plus his penis times eight
was twice the square root of fuck all!
109-
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut 'cross her vagina.
From the love-making frock,
(with the proper sized cock,)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
110-
There was a young lady at sea
Who said "Gosh, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me."
111-
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
112-
There was a young vampire called Mabel
Who’s periods were very unstable
And every full moon
She took a big spoon
And drank herself under the table
113-
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who had to live belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly
114-
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose prong was so long that it bent
So to save himself trouble
He put in a double
And instead of coming He went
115-
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death
Seven times in a row
It unsettled her so
that she quit saying no and said Yeth
116-
There was a young farmer from Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant
For he lay all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins
In addition of course to his aunt
117-
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the cat died of electric shock.
118-
There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said his last fuck was delicious,
But the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'Cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
119-
There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
120-
I chase all the girls when I'm spunky
A five day a week sexual junky
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednesday
On those nights I spank my own monkey.
121-
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.
122-
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
123-
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
~Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
~I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother
~Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty And so is your head.
~Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
~Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not
~I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face
~I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
~My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life
~I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming
~My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way?
~My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"
~What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime
124-
Beneath these rocks, lies Mary Cox,
To a thousand men she gave the pox,
She may be gone but not forgotten,
Her heart was good, but her box was rotten.
125-
There was a young maid from France,
Who boarded a train in a trance,
Everyone fucked her, except the conductor,
And he came twice in his pants.
126-
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one.
127-
With increasingly throbbing delight
Your caresses will set me alight;
And I'll soon reach the peak,
That I eagerly seek...
Then I'll snore for the rest of the night.
128-
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose pecker was seven feet long
He said with a smile
"Let me strum it a while
While my wife entertains with a song"
129-
Kentucky Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love; She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal, You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know, But Joe is yo' half brother"
So Susie put aside her Joe And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this, He said, "There's trouble still...
You can't marry Will, my gal., And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo' I know is yo' half brother"
But Mama knew and said, "My child, Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe. You ain't no kin to Pappy
130-
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
131-
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been before ya."
132-
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife
How could I know Judge
She was cold; would not budge
Just the same as she acted in life
133-
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts!
134-
There once was a man from Australia,
Who had extra-large genitalia.
He said to his bride,
"Don't try to hide,
Cause wherever ya go I can nail ya."
135-
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
136-
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
137-
Aussie Love Poem
Of course I love ya darling. You're a bloody top notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word
So your ass is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready
there's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care. So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms around there
No women who is your age has nice round perky breasts. They just gave into gravity
but I know ya did your best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy that you've got dimples on your thighs
I swear on gramma's grave now the moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get
No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear. Now shut up while the game is on. And get me another beer....
138-
Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem that'll touch your heart-
Roses are red, or are they blue? Hell I don't know but i do like you.
I love you more than my truck's tires. Yer more useful than my old rusty pliers.
You cook a good deer and fry a good egg, just wish you'd shave that hair off your legs.
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face, It's okay, I'll still feel the same, I'll just keep on tellin my buddies, yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
Yer my pride and joys, What a lady! But hows come we do it only when it's my payday?
When I ran over ya with my truck, you didn't even say "ouch." And you are so cute, when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
I hope we stay together, at least a couple more days- cuz i'm really horney and I want to get laid.
139-
Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here to fulfil your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me It's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer in witness protection.
140-
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl "your a tight 'un
She replied, "'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
Cause there’s plenty of room in the right one
141-
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discover red spots on his tool.
Said the Doctor, a cynic
"Get out of my clinic
And wipe off the lipstick you fool!"
142-
I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
143-
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
My darling, please let me unveilia.
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone;
I'll endeavour, my sweet, to impalia.
144-
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insisted on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her
And his chance of survival is slight
145-
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!
146-
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
147-
A shiftless young fellow from Kent
Had his wife screw the landlord for rent
But as they grew older
The landlord grew colder
And now they live in a tent
148-
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
149-
More Valentine Poems
We've a date tonight, oh, Valentine!
I hope I can stay calm!
'Cause recently, I've only dated
the lovely Mrs. Palm.
***
I'd like to play a game with you --
I'm thinking Naked Twister.
I'll bring the board and lots of wine.
Could you please bring your sister?
***
I promise to be good to you,
and never treat you wrongly.
(Besides, I'll make you scream in bed --
I'm hung quite like a donkey!)
***
Your assets are delightful.
Your beauty's not debatable.
But what I like about you best,
is that you're not inflatable.
***
Your skin's like satin to the touch.
Your visage is divine.
I long for your embrace so much.
(This crap works every time!)
***
Roses are reddish, and painfully thorny.
With your S&M fetish they'll make you quite horny.
***
My silk sheets are cool, My lava lamp's hot,
If you'll give me ten minutes, I'll take the wet spot.
150-
An unfortunate groom was Walter,
Left standing alone at the altar.
The source of the rift
His pre-nuptial gift:
A bridle and bit and a halter.
151-
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.
152-
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his woolly dick got hard
153-
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin
But when she was tight
It seemed quite alright
So everyone plied her with gin
154-
There was a young man from Montrose
Who could diddle himself with his toes.
He did it so neat He fell in love with his feet,
And christened them Myrtle and Rose.
155-
There was a young pessimist, Grotten
Who wished he had never been begotten.
Nor would he have been
But the rubber was thin
And right at the tip it was rotten
156-
There was a young fellow from Yale
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high price of tail
157-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,
But I'm thinking of you.
158-
Way out west where women are good and pussy is best, there lived a school marm named
Lou.. Lou killed 42 men with that terrible screw, she fucked'em shallow and she fucked'em deep, she layed her victims in a mighty heap.
But over the hill and across the creek, lived a blue balled bastard named PISS POT PETE. He had snot on his whiskers and shit on his feet, and twenty two pounds of hanging meat.
When Lou heard of Pete's mighty tool, she challenged him to a FUCKING DUEL. The duel was held on Bare-ass hill, twenty-two rounds to a fucking still.
Finally, Lou died with a sigh and a cough, and there sits Pete, JERKING OFF!!!
159-
The dogs all had a meeting,
they came from near and far.
Some of them came by aeroplane
and some of them came by car.
Before they were allowed to enter
or even take a look,
each one had to hang their asshole
in the hallway on a hook.
Then came in the bitch dog
and then came in the sire
and then came in the son of a bitch
that loudly hollered FIRE!
The doggies got excited
and never took a look
but each one grabbed an asshole
in the hallway from the hook.
That's why you'll often see today,
- a dog leave the choicest bone,
to go and smell an asshole,
-he's looking for his own.
160-
Roses are... (WITH THORNS!!!)
Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted
Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky
Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy
Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so crap in bed
That I fucked your alsation
Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina
Roses are red
It's elementary
Let's ring up a friend
And try double entry
Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap
Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Give us a blow job
And swallow it down
Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey
161-
There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
& jumps up and down till it's sick
162-
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille
163-
A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.
164-
Did you hear about poor Henry Lockett
who was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the boom
blew his balls 'cross the room
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
165-
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
166-
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!
167-
A lady while dining at
Crewe
Found an Elephant's whang in her stew
Said the waiter, "Don't Shout
And don't wave it about
Or the others will all want one too."
168-
There was a young fellow named
Fife
Whose marriage ruined his life
For he had an aversion
To every perversion
And only liked screwing his wife
169-
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
170-
There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.
171-
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
172-
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
173-
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
174-
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."
175-
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
176-
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
177-
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie.
178-
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
179-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
180-
A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.
181-
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
182-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancy.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
183-
There once were three women from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
and tickled the cock
of the Bishop while he was confirming them.
Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd gone to a good public school)
So he pulled down their britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool.
When he'd filled up the last one with goo
She said, as the Bishop withdrew
The Vicar is thicker
and quicker and slicker
and longer and stronger than you.
184-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
185-
Roses are red,
Pickles are green
I love your legs and what’s in between
186-
There was a young lady named Hall,
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
187-
There once was a family named Stein.
There was Gert, there was Ep there was Ein.
Gert's poems were bunk.
Ep's statues were junk,
And no one could understand Ein.
188-
There was a young man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.
189-
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I hadda go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
It worked me up a sweat.
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie!
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'Fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear...
190-
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go
She got so fed up with the little fucker following her
That she killed the cunt
Barbequed it, and ate the little bastard.
191-
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
192-
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing! I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
193-
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"
194-
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvellous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
195-
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
196-
"Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"
197-
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
198-
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
199-
She lay there spread eagled in bed,
Her eyes were rolled back in her head.
Not a sign of resentment,
Only total contentment,
Not screwed, she's been eaten instead
200-
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
201-
There was a young woman from Darjeeling
Who’s face wasn’t very appealing
She had warts on her chest
That poked through her string vest
And bollocks all swollen and peeling
202-
There was a young man from Wales
Who lived on snot, shit and snails.
When he couldn't get these,
He lived off the cheese
That he scraped from his dick with his nails.
203-
There was a young man from Duluth
Whose dick was shot off in his youth.
So he fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And came through a hole in his tooth.
204-
There once was a man from Boston
Who rode around in an Austin.
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
205-
There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle
206-
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
207-
ANTICIPATION
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....
And then he stuffed the turkey.
(some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)
208-
There was a poor lad called Chrissy
Who was unable to get a good stiffy
Until a pro from Utrecht
Made him erect
But she left his poor tool rather niffy.
209-
A chancre-pocked bedridden whore
Developed a putrid cunt-sore.
Her sheets and her cooze
Got crispy with ooze
And stalagmites formed on the floor.
210-
Felix the most evil cat,
Cared not a jot where he shat,
Slippers or shoes,
Don't care where he poos,
And he laughs as he hears your feet splat.....
211-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
Before they could jump on my dick
I re-buttoned my fly pretty quick;
But she shouted, "You fool!
All I want is your tool!"
So I gave her my shovel and pick.
212-
A kinky young gal got her kicks being silly
Liked tying strings around her guy's willie. -
But one fateful, wild and orgasmic night,
Got carried away and tied them too tight,
And ever since he's been known as "Millie"
213-
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"
214-
A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
215-
In the garden of Eden lay Adam.
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth,
for he knew, here on Earth,
there were only two balls, and he had 'em
216-
There was an old maid of Peru
Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
Of forceful duress
Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?"
217-
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!
218-
There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
Another had grown in between!
219-
There was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought all babies came from God.
But it wasn't the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!
220-
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
221-
The Great Aussie Love Poem
Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word
So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab
So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There
No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best
I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs
I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get
No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!
222-
There once was a man from Magnamater
Whose mistress kept calling him "Amateur"
She said, "Your technique
Is old and antique
And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."
223-
"I love ORGANS," she said, "Even kidney.
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney
A good serving of liver
Will set me aquiver,
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"
"There are giblets that go in a stew,
And chittlin's appeal to a few
You can start with some heart
And end up with the part
That's best shared just between me and you."
"The stores will no longer sell lung,
nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;
And there isn't much hype
About kidney or tripe,
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"
224-
There once was a disc jockey named Louise
Who's box had a sucking disease
One night it got wet;
It lost a cassette
An eight-track and twenty CDs
225-
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.
226-
There was a young husband from Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach
So long was his tool
That it wound round a spool
And he let it out inch by inch.
227-
There once was a gay named Feeney
Who liked to pour gin on his weenie,
In a moment uncouth,
He poured on vermouth
And slipped his friend Dan a martini.
228-
There once was a young man from Nairs
Who liked to have sex on the stairs,
With one powerful stroke,
The banister broke
And he finished her off in mid-air.
229-
My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!
230-
There once was a young man named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter past nine
And at quarter past ten it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner-- Skinner was in her before dinner!)
231-
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
Was his wife's twitching knee
And the ass of the man that was up her
232-
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savoured her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
233-
When juice of the mango I've drunk,
And of pineapple eaten a chunk,
I will offer my willy
To the palate of Lily,
Cuz it adds a nice taste to my spunk.
234-
There once was a man from Peru
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo
235-
There once was a girl from Siam
Who went for a ride in a tram
The dirty conductor
Jumped up and fucked her
And now she pushes a pram.
236-
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves
237-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
238-
Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."
"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned."
"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."
"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen."
"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You'll die and go to hell."
"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"
Daddy went to work this morn
And Mummy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll get out Daddy's porn
And give myself a twitchin'.
239-
There once was a woman from Dallas
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
Her vagina was found in North Carolina,
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace!