Kids & School 2
241-
So ya see, little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, Nobody seems to know, cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question.
So little Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!"
Ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.
Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"
Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.
Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it
were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"
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A little girl was attending her first wedding, and she whispered to her mother, "How come the bride is wearing white?" The mother, caught off guard, came up with the best answer she could. "Honey, white is the
colour of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."
The little girl thought about this for a moment, then said, "So how come the groom is wearing black?"
243-
A little boy walks in on his grandma taking a shower. the little boy says "Grandma! Grandma!, What's that?"
Grandma quickly thinks of something and says
"Why, that's my Beaver,… yeah that's it, my beaver"
The little boy walks off and buys the answer, then the next day the little boy walks in on his mom taking a shower.
The little boy says, "Mommy! Mommy! I know what that is!"
The little boy's mom says "ok... then what is it."
The boys says, "That's your beaver, grandma has one too, but I think hers is dead cos it's tongue was hanging out."
244-
My wife and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home improvement store. She got tired of walking, so I let her ride on my shoulders. As we walked, she began pulling my hair. Although I asked her to stop several times, she kept on. I finally got a little annoyed,
I scolded, "Now, come on...Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
245-
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
246-
Sharon lives in a block of flats. One afternoon, she starts to worry because she hasn't heard anything for days from the elderly widow who lives next door.
So Sharon says to her son Paul, "Boobalah, be a good boy. Go find out how old Mrs Himmelfarb is?"
A few minutes later, Paul returns.
"Nu?" asks Sharon, "Is she OK?"
"She's fine mum, but she's quite angry with you," replies Paul.
"Angry with me?" says Sharon, "What has she got to be angry about?"
"Well," says Paul, “she said, ... it's none of your business how old she is."
247-
A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying "Good Evening."
Her face was beaming. At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look.
He couldn't remember having ever seen her before.
Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized.
She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children." She walked on her way into the store.
The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like."
However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors. But, also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children.
A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship? Could it be that I really fathered a child?" Still stunned, he walked to his car.
He still did not realize, of course, that she was a fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school.
248-
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mummy, are these my brains?"
Mum said, "Not yet, honey."
249-
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.
Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
shorter it would be the perfect penis!"
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Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Each day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said: "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said: "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said: "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see," he said. "Okay!" So she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said: "That's right you are; better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl: "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches too, I'm starting to get feathers down there as well!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said: "Oh, my God, it's too late for you; you've already got the neck and gizzard!"
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TEACHER: "Brian, what's one plus one?"
The kid holds one hand up and counts two fingers
BRIAN: "Two"
TEACHER: "Good job, what's three plus three?"
The kid holds up both hands and counts off six.
BRIAN: "Six"
TEACHER: "Good job now put your hands in your pocket and tell me what's five plus five?
The kid put his hands in his pocket and starts counting in his head and tells the teacher, "Eleven".
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A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until one day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
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A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that, "The man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child... "Does the man ever get his penis back?"
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Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and
instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he
noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my
Grandma wouldn't lie."
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Letter to a Mother: A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend; I know how upset you will be but I am truly happy. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that
Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it to sell to support ourselves and our children. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry
Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for I know you will want to get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mum, it's not true. I'm over at Sarah's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer ... I love you!
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Little Thomas was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out: "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied: "Now, Thomas, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Thomas thinks for a bit, and then says: "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
258-
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
259-
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone: "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron!"
260-
Fat
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied: "but what's growing in your butt?"
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Stages of Motherhood ...
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your
favourites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You perish your newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
262-
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off."
263-
In class, the teacher was discussing starvation. She asked volunteers to come up to the chalkboard to draw their idea of starvation.
Although Little Johnny was the only kid in class with his hand up the teacher called on Jose' because she knew better than to call on Little Johnny. So Jose' went up and drew a round circle on the board with a bunch of dots in the circle.
The teacher asks him, "What is that Jose'?"
Jose' replied, "Starvation is when all you have for dinner is a bunch of peas".
The teacher said, "That's great Jose', but not quite what I'm looking for."
She called on Suzy next, even though Little Johnny was the only one with his hand. Suzy went up and drew a circle and
only put 2 dots in it. She explained to the teacher that starvation is only having two peas for dinner.
Again the teacher said, "Well that's great, but not what I was looking for."
Finally she called on Little Johnny even though she knew she'd regret it. Little Johnny came up and drew a big circle and then draws a bunch of scribbled lines in it.
The teacher was thinking, well here it comes. She asked, "O.K. Little Johnny, tell us what your idea of starvation is."
Little Johnny says, "Well, teacher, this circle is a big asshole, and all these scribbles are cob-webs!"
264-
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A Jack."
265-
Little Johnny was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! Look at that!"
The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.
Little Johnny then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
266-
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
267-
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Caitlyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Caitlyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Caitlyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Caitlyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
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Real answers (sic) taken from US school exam papers.
No wonder their army's having troubles in Iraq!
When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't breathe, you expire.
The pistol of a flower is it's only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For headcolds, use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over your nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin & hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts: the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the borax contains the bowls, of which there are five: a-e-i-o and u.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the insides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends towards the moon because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Germinate: To become a naturalised German.
Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Magnet: Something you find crawling over a dead cat.
H2O is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception use a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
269-
A little boy goes to the local drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are". The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?". "Sure do", replied the boy. "They keep you from getting venereal diseases". "Okay", said the pharmacist, "but do you know what the RIBS are for?". The boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair stand up on my goat's back".
270-
The teacher says to her class, "OK, children, I want you all to write an essay on what you would do if you won £1million on the lottery."
At the end of the lesson, Peter hands in a blank piece of paper.
"Peter," says the teacher, "why haven’t you written anything?"
"Because if I had a million pounds, Miss, that's exactly what I would do - nothing."
271-
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run
home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
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Motherly Wisdom
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER
"Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER
Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
BATMAN'S MOTHER
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
273-
Teenage Daughter Owner's Manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
If You Feel You Have Received Your Teenager In Error: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
a. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
b. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money?)
c. sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Break-In Period: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these
behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
Activation: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
Shutdown: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
Cleaning Your Teenaged Daughter: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour.
They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like, I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat."
Teenagers are very busy and simply do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
Feeding Your Teenaged Daughter: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my
parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod, he is so hot!! Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
Clothing Your Teenaged Daughter: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a
cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
Other Maintenance: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
Warranty: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for
as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
274-
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The
Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
275-
"Mom, I'm pregnant." said Wendy.
"How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures." Wendy replied.
"Well, did you really take measures, Wendy?"
"Yes! that's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
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Fatherly Explanation
Son (S): Why is making love so enjoyable?
Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!
S: Why do women enjoy sex more than men?
F: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else comes over and digs in your nose, do you like it??
S: Why can women not have sex when they are menstruating?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??
S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?
S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: What is an orgasm?
F: The same as sneezing, but the other way round
S: Is it true that women love big dicks?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?
277-
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
278-
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
279-
What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked little Mary's mother.
Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, of course!" Mary's mum replied.
"Nothing."
280-
Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mum, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mum is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"
281-
Little Johnnie had been fishing in the canal, when he should really have been at school - but it was Art, and he hated Art. So, he went fishing.
He caught several little sticklebacks - the longest almost two inches long. He put them all in a plastic bag, and was heading off home - trying to be home at about the time he should be if he'd stopped only briefly to fish.
He left the canal, and crossed over the river in town. On the far side of the bridge, where it was almost down to the riverbank, was a professional angler, who had a crowd round him. [You could tell he was a professional, because he was from out-of-town, he had all sorts of logos on his clothes, several remarkably expensive-looking rods, and a tackle box that was so big it had wheels!]
The crowd were astonished at the fish the angler had caught - a salmon, over five feet long, and weighing almost as much as the angler. Certainly a national record - and in a river that had hardly seen a salmon since the Industrial Revolution!
Johnnie pushed his way through the crowd.
When he got to the front, he, too, was impressed at the size of the fish, but endeared himself to his fellow-townspeople, by holding up his plastic bag, and calling out - "Only caught the one then?"
282-
For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he asked: "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him: "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
283-
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by"
"Wouldn't you know it, " the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
284-
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
285-
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
286-
Little Esther is talking to her friend Rebecca. “Have you moved into your new house, Rebecca?"
"Yes," replies Rebecca, we moved in last Sunday."
"Do you like it?"
"Oh yes, it’s a much bigger house than the one we had before. We all now have our own bedrooms. All except my poor mum – she’s still in with dad."
287-
4-year-old Moshe is playing in his garden with his friend Mary. They’re splashing around in his paddling pool and quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes. Moshe looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says, "Oy, I just didn't realise there was so much difference between Catholics and Jews."
288-
The supermarket manager found the little girl sitting on the floor, crying her eyes out.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” asked the concerned manager.
“I’ve lost my mummy” bawled the little girl.
“What’s she like?”, enquired the manager.
“Shagging and chocolate”
289-
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
290-
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, "Daddy, could you please tell me what ‘frugal’ means."
"Yes, of course, replies her father, "it means something like - to save."
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her homework. Later, her father goes over to see how she’s getting on. He’s reading her story when he comes across the following: -
‘The beautiful princess Sarah slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldn’t swim she starting shouting out, "Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me."
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived happily ever after.
The End.’
291-
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concepts of grace and salvation.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
292-
Letters to GOD ...
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
-Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
-Frank
293-
On the cliff tops overlooking the river sit some old farm houses complete with outdoor toilets at the bottom of the garden. One morning ,before school, three brothers are playing in the garden and daring each other to push the old toilet over the cliff and into the river. The youngest one does just that.
That afternoon they are sitting round the table having a feed and their father asks who was the bright spark that tipped the dunny over the cliff. No answer. Let me tell you a story, he says to the boys.
You have all heard of George Washington the first President of America, well once, when he was a boy his father got all his children together and asked them who had cut down his favourite cherry tree, George stood up and said "Father, I cannot tell a lie it was I who chopped down the cherry tree" and his father was so pleased with his honesty that he forgave him. On hearing this the youngest boy stood up and said "Dad, I was the one that pushed the dunny over the cliff and into the river" And on hearing this the old man kicked shit out of the little sod.
"Why did you do that" screamed the young'un, George Washington's dad didn’t hit him"
"That’s because George Washington’s dad wasn’t up the fucking cherry tree at the time"
294-
While I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours.
He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away. Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?"
My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"
295-
Parenthood
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
296-
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it"
"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
297-
The 1st grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause.
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"
298-
Mummy, if you are white, and daddy is black, how come I look Japanese ??
If you knew what happened at that party, you'd just be glad you don’t bark.
299-
Last week was parent-teacher conference week. Thank God my children haven't become the clock tower snipers you would imagine them to be with a mother like theirs. I swear, if it weren't for me the whole family would be messed up and misguided. Anyway, my six-year-old daughter tells us as we're leaving the house to meet her teacher, that Antoine has been chasing her and her friend around the playground trying to kiss them, and she's afraid she's going to get in trouble.
"Did you let him kiss you?" my wife asked.
"No, we ran away and told the teacher."
"That's good, Sweetie," my wife said. "The most important word a girl must learn how to say is no. Don't ever feel you have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do just to make someone else happy, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy," she smiled.
"Honey," I said to my wife, "do we really want her running and snitching every time a six-year-old boy tries to kiss her?"
My wife's dirty look was cut off when my daughter interrupted us.
"Antoine is not a six-year-old boy, Daddy. He's the janitor."
300-
A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back?"
301-
Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying, "Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties."
302-
Naomi was happily married with two lovely boys. When she gave birth for the third time, her mother came over to stay with the family to help out. The two boys were excited that their
grandma was coming - they always got on well with her.
The first thing grandma did was to go out and buy some of her own favourite cleaning materials so that, throughout her stay, Naomi’s house would be spotless.
Grandma scrubbed the kitchen, bathrooms and toilets, vacuumed the carpets and polished the silver. Soon, the smell of
grandma’s cleansers, polishes and air fresheners was everywhere.
After two months, grandma went back to her own house, her job done. A few days later, Naomi used one of
grandma’s cleansers to remove a greasy mark from her kitchen worktop. She had just put away the cleanser when her youngest son came into the kitchen and said, "Where's
grandma, mummy?"
"She’s back at her own house now," said Naomi, "don't you remember we took her to the station?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he asked.
303-
A father took his young son with him to the bank to take care of some transactions. Since it was lunchtime, and the bank branch was downtown, there were a number of business people in line ahead of them. The father dutifully got into the rope chutes to wait for the next available teller. Standing in front of them was a female executive type, wearing the latest in corporate fashion and carrying a leather briefcase with a matching leather purse slung over her shoulder. There was a pager clipped to the purse, and the woman was quite large.
After standing in line for a few minutes, the son, pointing to the woman ahead, remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen."
His father, surprised and embarrassed, chastised his son for saying things that might hurt someone else's feelings. "Ssshh, don't say things like that, it isn't nice."
A few minutes later, almost to the front of the line, the son again remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen."
The father, this time more sternly, replied, "Be quiet, we are almost done here. We'll talk about this when we get home."
Just at that moment, the woman's pager went off. beep.. beep.. beep.. beep
With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"
304-
Children
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve and the first thing he said was: "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
1 You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2 Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3 Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5 The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6 We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7 Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
305-
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"
"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
306-
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.
"I won't do it any more, Mum," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.
"If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mum?"
"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.
They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.
The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.
The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?"
And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."
307-
Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees:
Cyrus says: Daddy, how was I born?
Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop- Up appeared and said: You've Got Male.
308-
Little Susie ask her mother, "Can I go over to Jill's house and watch the magic show?"
Mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?"
Susie said, "The one she performs. I heard her tell Nina she got $600 for doing six tricks last night."
309-
The parish priest needs his house painted, so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house; he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much, Father. You're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day, and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much, Father. You really are a virgin." At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
310-
Teaching Maths in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. ?La cuesta de produccion
es...?
311-
A school bus driver was carrying his usual load of racially mixed children from school one afternoon. As was the norm, the typical racial slandering was being tossed back and forth between the children.
This went on for quite some time, when the poor driver had finally gotten his fill of it.
"Black Banana Monkey!"
"Cracker!"
"Honky!"
"Porch Trash!"
Then, in a fit of rage, the bus driver screamed out, "Alright you mouthy bastards! All of you guys, off the bus!" as he parked the bus roadside.
As the kids filed off the bus, the driver cried, "Every stinkin' racist-brat, line up against the side of the bus!"
"I am sick and tired of all this bigotry, race hating, name calling crap! I'll stand for no more of it! From now on, you are no longer white or black, you are all green in my eyes! .... Green I say!
No more "matchstick" or "cotton-ball", you're all green! GREEN, GREEN, GREEN! Do you hear me? GREEN! All of you!
Now, I gotta finish my route and get you all back home, so get back on the bus, and the dark green ones sits in the back!"
312-
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
313-
One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts... "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.
Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.
Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!!"
314-
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
315-
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "That is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mum always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
316-
Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
Doug, the local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"
"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"
317-
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when he asked his teacher a question: "Please Miss," he said, "What's a Penis?"
The teacher thought it was an excellent question so she told the whole class that it would be their homework for the night. When little Johnny got home he immediately went to his father and asked him what a penis is. His father undid his trousers and said: "Look son, that's a penis." Johnny was very pleased that it had been so easy to do his homework.
The next morning, on his way to school he met Mary but she was in floods of tears. "Why are you crying?" he asked.
"Well I wasn't able to do my homework," she sobbed. "Nobody would tell me what a penis is."
"OK, I'll help you," said little Johnny. As he undid his trousers he said to Mary: "Look, you see this. Well, this is a Dick. A penis is about three inches shorter!"
318-
It was the first day of the school year and the
woodwork teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy. "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked. Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
319-
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "No, not yet."
320-
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their
experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
321-
My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.
"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.
He nodded but cut me off. The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"
"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
322-
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
323-
Sunday school students tell about the Bible:
~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
324-
"Mum, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a belligerent tone of voice.
Her mother paled.
"And it's all your fault," continued the girl.
"My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life."
"Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"
325-
A toddler's creed.
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mummy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mummy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mummy, it must be hugged.
326-
Little Johnny and his friend played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explained what they saw, and told her that they were curious as to what goes on inside.
The Madam thought for a moment, shrugged, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"
Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents. She says, "OK, that will have to do," Then she proceeded to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She told both boys to take a sniff, and they did. She closed the door and the kids took off home.
About halfway down the block Little Johnny turns to his friend and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."
327-
One night little Jonny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He
lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?" The Dad jumped a little, startled,
rolled over to see his son. "Well, Jonny, I'm... um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?" "yes..." replied little Jonny in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting little brother in your
Mummy for you." Jonny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Jonny sitting on the grass crying.
"What's wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. "Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in
Mummy???" "yes..." the Dad replied nervously. "well... well... Today... *sniff*... The milkman came over and he ate him!"
328-
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Duelling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
329-
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mum loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
330-
A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and asks, "Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place boys put their wieners in?"
Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do."
Daughter says," Why Ma, is that why you are missin yo' front teeth?"
331-
It was Sunday morning and as he had been doing for a number of years, 8year-old Abe was attending Hebrew classes. His teacher had just finished discussing one of the Ten Commandments, the one about honouring your mother and father, when the teacher asked the class, "Now, who can tell me which of the commandments tells us how to deal with our brothers and sisters?"
Abe put his hand up and, when asked, proudly said, "Thou shalt not kill."
332-
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
333-
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."
334-
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied " Pig Swill ".
The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Pig Swill , sir... Really".
The teacher... in a huff.. said.. "Alright young man... march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair... turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit.... he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"
335-
Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mummy is an architect."
"Great," said the teacher.
Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mum is a housewife."
"Good," said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mummy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."
"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mummy substitutes."
336-
A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in a bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said, "You're superstitious, right?"
337-
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
338-
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice... even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John
P. S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk
centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
339-
One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement.
"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.
"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.
"Excellent " said the teacher.
She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary.
"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers", Mary replies.
"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".
Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.
"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".
"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for once he wasn't out of line.
Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who screws the fairies!"
340-
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.
341-
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?" asked the teacher.
"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.
"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."
342-
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
343-
One day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a question. "If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would you tell anybody?"
"No, I'd be embarrassed."
"Wanna go camping?"
344-
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
345-
A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night.
"Mum, I think I am in love!"
"What do you mean, it was your first date with this guy!"
"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass."
"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked in the ass and then suck his dick.... that's love!"
346-
I used to be overweight. A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me.
The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"
I looked at him and replied "Well, every time I fucked your mother, she gave me a biscuit."
347-
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
348-
One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his
mum and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown coloured, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had
dicks."
349-
After many years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Myrddin finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, Son," his mother said as she started to cry softly.
"But it didn't work out, and they brought you back."
350-
Letter from camp
Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything we are fine.
Love, Timothy
351-
DAD'S EXPLANATION
Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"
Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it's feels good, right!"
Son: "Why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?"
Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feel good, not your finger!"
Son: "Then why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"
Dad: "If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?"
Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually want to have sex?"
Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?"
Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don't guys like to wear condoms when they make love?"
Dad: "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"
352-
A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny new bike stopped right beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said: "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said: "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said: "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said: "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said: "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"
353-
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit Then I would say, "It is Shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
354-
You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.
"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.
The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!
355-
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to pee."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet and know quite well after supper."
The teacher fainted.
356-
A mother gets up during the night to do as nature intended, when she hears some strange noise from the living room. Going to investigate, she snaps on the light.
She is utterly surprised to find her daughter stark naked on the couch, with a young man the mother didn't know atop of her and going at it like rabbits.
"Well, -- I NEVER!" exclaimed the mother.
"But, Mum, you MUST have!" smirked the daughter.
357-
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
358-
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a
motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed
fuckin bike leaning up against the damn garage!".
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" .
Johnny replied, "I think I got a fuckin dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.".
359-
The zoology teacher ask a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum."
He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum."
360-
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mum?" she asked.
Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you would have been five years older."
361-
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENCE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
362-
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
363-
A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother, "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up, and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh gosh!" shrieked the panic-stricken girl, "When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
364-
Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how to get rid of them. He found that there are three options.
1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think that there is another crotch to jump off onto.
2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first half.
3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get some water. While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.
365-
The college co-ed was asked by her professor why she didn't get her essay in by the deadline.
Her retort: "I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa."
366-
Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?" I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just playing against yourself. This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, "Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?" We checked out that night.