Doctor
1-
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".
2-
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the blood samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith, "What do you mean?"
Receptionist, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer, and the other for Syphilis. However, we cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town, if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
3-
A man went to the doctor complaining of a severe migraine-type headache and constant ringing noises in his ears. After a very thorough examination, the doctor told him that his symptoms were caused by an infection in his testicles and the only cure was to have them
removed. The man was aghast at the news and insisted on a second, third and fourth opinion, but all the doctors agreed that having his testicles removed was the only
cure. At first, the man thought he would try to live with his afflictions, but it became unbearable, so he agreed to the operation.
A little later, on leaving the hospital and feeling very low, he decided to pop into the gentlemen's outfitters and cheer himself up by buying a new suit.
The tailor took one look at him and sail, "Yes, you'll need a 36" waist, a 35" inside leg and a 15" collar. Chest size is... 44".
"That's amazing," said the man. "How do you know all that?"
"After 40 years in the trade I'm an expert at all men's sizes. You, for instance take an 8" hat and medium sized underpants."
"Absolutely spot on," replied the man, "except that I take a small size in underpants."
"Oh no, sir, no sir," said the tailor. "if you wear a small size in underpants it could make you sterile, you'd certainly suffer from severe headaches and ringing noises in your ears..."
4-
Guy goes to the Doctors and says "Doc, there's something wrong with my leg, it keeps talking to me." The Doctor says "Lie down and I'll have a listen".
He puts his stethoscope on the guys thigh and the leg says "Lend me a fiver".
He puts it on the knee and the leg says "Lend me a Tenner" He puts it on the ankle and the legs says "Lend me twenty quid"
The guy says "what's wrong Doc?"
The doctor says "your leg's broke in 3 places."
5-
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease". The man replies "Well, thank God I don't have cancer!"
6-
A man goes to see his doctor and says "Doc I'm not getting full enjoyment from my sex life and I think it would help if my willy was bigger"
The doctor asks "What do you normally drink?"
"Lager" is the reply.
"Oh dear" says the doc "That tends to shrink things, try switching to
Guinness"
The man comes back the following week, shakes the doctor's hand and says "Thanks for the advice"
The doc says "You switched to Guinness then?"
"No" says the man "I've put the wife on lager"
7-
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
8-
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said
"Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle
strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper" So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"
9-
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
10-
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was
feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied,
"No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that
bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
11-
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
12-
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to
drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctors, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
13-
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"
14-
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I wank"
15-
An couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them £32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent prolems, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £60. The Hilton charges £78. We do it here for £32 and I get £28 back from Bupa."
16-
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
17-
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "The wife says she’d rather spend the money on a new kitchen."
18-
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
19-
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either." "
Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
20-
A guy walks into the doctors and says "hi doc, I've got a p-p-p-p-p-p-problem my
w-w-ife's going t-t-to d-d-d-divorce me because of m-m-my s-s-s-stutter. C-c-c-can you h-h-help?"
The doc says "In my experience, most speech impediments are caused by a physical problem, so get behind the screen and remove your clothing for an examination"
The guy whips his gear off and the doc walks in and exclaims "My god, I can see your problem immediately! Your cock is so big, its pulling the skin tight all the way up your torso to your neck! Its affecting your vocal chords!"
The guy says " W-w-what can you d-d-do to s-s-save m-m-my m-marriage then d-d-doc?"
The doctor then outlines a plan to use a local anesthetic, chop a few inches out of the center of the huge member and stitch the pieces together. The guy agrees to come in the following day for the operation.
A few weeks later the guy returns to the doctors and says "Doctor, this is fantastic I can talk properly for the first time and it's wonderful, I owe it all to you, but I still have a problem. My wife still wants a divorce as now I can't satisfy her, can't you sew the old piece back on?"
The doctor turns in his chair looks the guy straight in the eye and says " You can f-f-f-f-f-fuck o-o-o-off!!!"
21-
A 75 yr. old woman went to the Dr. for a check up. The Dr. told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.
A bit embarrassed, she said to the Dr., "Please tell my husband."
The Dr. went into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needs sex 3 times a week.
The 80 year old husband replied, "Which days?"
The Dr. answered, "Mon. Wed. and Fri. would be ideal."
The husband said, " I can bring her on Mon. and Wed., but on Fri. she'll have to take the bus."
22-
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or
I'll simply go to another doctor "Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his dripstand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"
23-
A man fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out. A nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, she pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left. The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened.
The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Doctor and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe. "Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "Yes, but if you think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's twat."
24-
A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick." The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?" "No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking." "You fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
25-
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
26-
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother
ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one
will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of
birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to
talk to you.
27-
"I've got a big problem, Doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely normal. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
28-
Man goes to a party and gets so totally drunk that he passes out.
He wakes up the next day and discovers two lines around his penis. There was a red one, and a brown.
He goes to the doctor and the doc takes samples of both lines.
Later on the doc comes back to him and says, "There's good news and bad news. The good news is the red was lipstick. But the brown is the bad news."
The guy asks, "Why, what was it?"
"It was chewing tobacco!!!"
29-
A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his bum. He says to the doctor that he is a little concerned. Upon examination the doctor turns to his patient and says "It's worse than I originally thought. That's just the tip of the iceberg."
30-
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. "My dick's gone orange."
The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Sure enough the guy's dick is orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause
of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress.
Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat Cheesy Wotsits."
31-
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
32-
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises."replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
33-
A man rushes into his (female) psychiatrist’s office, pulls up her
dress, pulls down her panties and vigorously knobs her.
“Well”, he says, “That’s my problem solved. Now what’s yours?”
34-
The doctor at the funny farm is trying to assess three of his patients. “Can you tell me what three times three is?”, he asks the first.
“241”, comes the reply.
“Can you tell me what three times three is?”, he asks the second.
“Thursday”, comes the reply.
Turning to the third patient he asks again, “Can you tell me what three times three is?”.
“Nine”, says the patient.
“Good”, says the doctor,”and how did you arrive at that answer?”
“Easy, it’s 241 minus Thursday”
35-
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
36-
A cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient.
He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find.
He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it!"
37-
A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next. Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the last day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!"
**WHAM**
38-
A man goes to the doctor and says: Doc, you have to help me. Sometimes I wake up and feel like Mickey Mouse, sometimes I wake up and feel Goofy.
The doc asks: How long have you had these Disney spells?
39-
This little, tiny guy walks into his doctor's office screaming, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!!"
The doctor says, "I have to deal with this other patient first and then I'll get to you."
The little guy screams, "But doctor!! I'm SHRINKING!!"
Exasperated, the doctor says, "Well I'm sorry, you'll just have to be a little patient!"
40-
A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor.
He examined them, and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position. The man said, "What is that?"
The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."
The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."
The doctor replied, "Try giving her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition."
Some while later, the doctor met the man, pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said.
"Yes it did Doc, but now the problem is ... my wife is an alcoholic!"
"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well, every time we did it ... it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front yard!"
41-
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
42-
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
43-
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going deaf. It wouldn't come when called, heel as he had been trained to do nor obey any other voice commands. So she took her dog to the vet.
The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced that there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which was the cause of his diminished hearing.
"He can't hear you, but he is not deaf. You must treat him with a depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but just get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggie brand."
So the lady went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of 'Nair' and looked over the instructions. But there was nothing in there pertinent to her dog. So she took it to the pharmacist and asked his advice.
"How do I apply this product?", she inquired. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The man replied, "For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She blushed, "I don't think you understand, it's for my schnauzer."
"Oh, yes" replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles. "In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water - oh, and by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
44-
More Actual Notes on Hospital Charts
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
She slipped on the ice and her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Since she can't pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
45-
While doing a vasectomy, Doctor Kildeer slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" Doctor Kildeer asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."
"What's that?" Doctor Kildeer asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"
46-
What’s the best thing about alzheimers disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
What’s the best thing about alzheimers disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
47-
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. “Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow
and let me see what I can do.” The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside.
“You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
48-
A guy goes into a bar and meets a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wind up at his place in bed. They're having a great time. She is on top, when suddenly she has an epileptic seizure and starts shaking uncontrollably.
The guy thinks this is incredible; the best sex he's ever had.
When he is finished, she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He begins to get nervous and takes her to the emergency room. A nurse asks him what the problem is and he replies, "I think her orgasm is stuck
49-
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note.
Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
50-
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, " Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
51-
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
52-
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
53-
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
54-
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
55-
Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She asks the first man to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.
"Whoa!" he says, "What's going on here?" She replies that it is all standard procedure to ensure that he has no blockages. The man says to himself, "How bad can it be?" So he allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second man. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.
Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what's this? I get a wank, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first man and says, "Sorry, but that's the difference between the NHS and Bupa!"
56-
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I
don't piss on my shoes."
57-
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to
do. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Well," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman.
"One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12" - to - 14" behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
58-
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, it's not unusual."
59-
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
60-
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
61-
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"
62-
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
63-
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scared!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
64-
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'
'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.
'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.
65-
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
66-
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor: "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "No! I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"No! I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "No! I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor: "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "No! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation," said the doctor: "your mother must have been a carrier!"
67-
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age, too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
68-
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
69-
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. Concerned about her friend's welfare, she approached the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she's young and she's in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied, "She's been working the streets for over 10 years,but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "if she hasn't rejected an organ in all those years, what makes you think she's gonna start now!"
70-
A woman goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her aviaries.
"Don't you mean ovaries ?" the doc says.
"No" she says.
"We had better have a look" says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says "You're right, It looks like there's been a cockatoo up there"
71-
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"
72-
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"
73-
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor I’m very confused. Sometimes I think I’m a wigwam and other times I think I’m a tepee”.
The doctor says, “Oh I know what your problem is. You’re too tense”.
74-
A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I have sex."
The doctor says, "Which position do you use?"
The lady says, "We always do it doggie style."
The doctor says, That's your problem.
Try using the missionary position."
She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath."
75-
A young hillbilly and his new bride came down from the hills to visit the doctor. Hemming and hawing, looking down at his hat in his hands, the young man explained that he and his new bride did not know what to do to have children.
The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees.
The two looked bewilderdly at each other, then at the doctor.
The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction.
Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the exam table and screwed her. "Now do you understand?", the doctor asked the hillbilly.
"Yes, sir. Just one question," the hillbilly answered.
The doctor grabbed his forehead and squawked, "Yes, what is it?"
"How often do I have to bring her in?"
76-
The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."
"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."
"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."
77-
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times so far this month!"
78-
A man went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. You've got to tell me what to do."
The doctor decided on how to best handle the case. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. You take these twice a day and they'll enable you to fuck your wife six times a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll fuck her to death."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I think I'll take her to Miami Beach so there won't be anything to interfere with us and no one will be suspicious."
He left with a bottle of pills in his hand and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. The doctor flew to Miami Beach for a medical convention. There, on Lincoln Road, he saw his patient coming along in a wheelchair, just managing to move forward.
"What happened?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
79-
Urologists never have to advertise..... They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in.
80-
A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
81-
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were 10p pieces in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were 50p pieces and this morning there were £1 coins! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through your change."
82-
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to send his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
83-
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
84-
A Trinity College research group advertised in the Irish Times for participants in a study of a particular obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for former therapy patients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 replies about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
85-
A GP, a junior doctor, a surgeon and a pathologist are out one day duck hunting near Mullingar. First up is the local GP. He raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." BANG! He bags himself a duck.
The young intern then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck, likely." BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck.
A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."
86-
The couple left the gynaecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."
87-
A scientist was successful in cloning himself. He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists in Vancouver, Canada. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologising for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists...". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this stupid EEJIT couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a complete and absolute FRAUD!!!!" Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later the police arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."
88-
The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful.
Only two men made appointments.
One came on the bus and the other missed the tube.
89-
Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week.
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?' to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?' and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.
90-
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
91-
A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
92-
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum."
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
93-
A guy walks into a doctor's with a frog on his head.
The doctor said, "What's the problem?"
The frog said, "Well, it all started with this lump on my arse..."
94-
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said: "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away". The distressed owner wailed: "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex- bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said: "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. " £150!" she cried: "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged: "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
95-
Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery............................The study of Painting
Bacteria.........................Back door of a Cafeteria
Barium...........................What Doctors do when patients die
Bowel............................A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarean Section..........A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat Scan........................Search for kitty
Cauterise........................Made eye contact with her
Coma.............................A punctuation mark
D&C.............................Where Washington is
Dilate.............................To live longer
Enema...........................Not a friend
Fester ..........................Quicker
Fibula...........................A small lie
Genital..........................Not a Jew
G.I Series.....................A soldier ball game
Hangnail.......................Coat hook
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known
Labour pain..................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................Doctors cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates
Node...........................Was aware of
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap smear....................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................A cousin to Elvis
Recovery room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Almost killed him
Secretion.................... Hiding something
Seizure....................... Roman Emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal illness.............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................Another two
Urine...........................Opposite to "you're out"
Varicose......................Nearby
Vein.............................Bigheaded
96-
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realise that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs.
97-
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then, I start at my
feet and wash up as far up as possible."
"Well, then," the doc concluded, "Go home and wash possible."
98-
A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible."
The ballerina gets up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.
"That's amazing, do it again."
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.
The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?"
"Open the window, it stinks in here"
99-
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation.
She was awake , so he examined her. " You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"
He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
100-
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX
CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
101-
One day 2 carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. Finally an ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.
Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be. After many hours of agonized waiting; the doctor came out.
He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through.
The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
102-
Minutes after a woman gives birth, the doctor comes in and says, "Mrs. Jones, I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman, terrified, sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"
"Well," says the doctor, "Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
"It means your baby has the... er... features... of both male and female."
"Oh my god!" sighs the woman with relief. "You mean, Doctor, my baby has a penis... and a brain?"
103-
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a Cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"
104-
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
The light goes on when I pee, and then (Poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (Poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (Poof!) the light goes off?"
"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
105-
A Glasgow woman dials 999 and requests an ambulance.
The operator enquires as to the nature of the emergency and the woman replies that she is pregnant.
"Madam, you can't have an ambulance simply because you are pregnant" replies the operator.
"Aye, I know," says the woman, "but ma waaters have broke!".
"Oh, right well that's a different matter." says the operator, "Where are you ringing from?"
Woman replies.................... "Fae ma fanny tae ma feet!!!!"
106-
An Olympic athlete was subject to a random drug check and he tested positive for drugs. However he adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs, so he was sent for a further interview with the Olympics medical authorities. During his interview, one of the doctors asks him to account for his activity the previous night. The athlete admitted to that the previous night he had slipped out of the Olympic Village and stopped off at the local bar. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the bar emptied, until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.
He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home. The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"
The athlete told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.
"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor interviewing him.
"Sure I did," answered the athlete. "Why, what's the matter?"
"Well, said the doctor, "That's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate."
107-
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
108-
A lady goes to the gynecologist for an exam.
While examining her, the doctor asks, "So, did you ever have a check-up here before?"
"No" she replied, "but I have had a couple of Germans and a Russian"
109-
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
110-
It's Melanie's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?"
She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
She says, "Please."
He sticks his head between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."
111-
Gallagher just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. "What about my sex life?" asked Gallagher. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Only with your wife, said the doctor. We don't want you to get too excited."
112-
A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked.
He says to his wife, "I'm going to have to call a plumber."
The wife replies, "You can't call a plumber out at three in the morning!"
He says, "Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me."
Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night.
The Doctor says the same thing: "I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients - why shouldn't you?"
At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet.
The plumber drops two Aspirin down the pan and says to the Doctor, "If there's no change, call me in the morning!"
113-
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
114-
The best requests why an ambulance was needed for routine hospital visits.
1) "I'm under the doctor and can't breathe."
2) "I can't breathe and haven't done so for years."
3) "I am unable to walk now as my dog has died."
4) "I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet."
5) "My husband is dead and won't bring me."
6) "I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer."
7) "I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and your clinic is up."
8) "I can come anytime that suits you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as my home help comes and not on Friday as the butcher calls for his money. I can't come on a Tuesday as my sister calls. Other than that any time suits."
9) "I need transport as I have funny feet."
10) "I hope you will send your driver as my husband is useless."
115-
Dying American soldier in battlefield hospital in Afghanistan : How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die.
Nurse (Extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism): I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind.
Soldier : Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
Soldier : Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?
116-
A guy goes in to see an optometrist. The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
117-
A rapist went to the Doctor and complained that every time he has sex his eyes burn
The Doctor told him that's perfectly normal, it's just the pepper spray.
118-
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
119-
A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you".
120-
A lady enters the dental surgery, takes off her stockings, underwear, makes herself comfortable in the chair, spreads her legs apart...
Dentist: "Madam, are you sure you’re in the right place? Probably, you need the gynaecologist."
Lady: "No. I’m in the right place alright. You made the dental plate for my husband last week, didn't you? Now remove it, please."
121-
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.
122-
With my doctor, I don't get any respect. I told him I want a vasectomy.
He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
123-
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I piss like you talk."
124-
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her.
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
125-
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
126-
Welcome to the Utopia Veterinary Hospital automated telephone system.
Please listen carefully to the following options.
Press 01 to schedule an appt for your pet.
Press 02 to have your pet seen immediately.
Press 03 to speak directly to the veterinarian.
Press 04 to obtain the veterinarians home number.
Press 05 to tell a receptionist or technician your life history, as well as your pets.
Press 06 to yell at a receptionist or technician.
Press 07 to yell at the veterinarian.
Press 08 to disagree with the veterinarians diagnosis or treatment plan because you read something different on the internet.
Press 09 to ask the same question 30 times just in case the answer might change.
Press 10 if you feel your pets condition is more important than the emergency patient the vet is currently seeing.
Press 11 if your pets condition has persisted 6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and need to be seen ASAP because you are going on holiday tomorrow.
Press 12 if your pet hasn't eaten in 10 days and you have only now become concerned.
Press 13 if you are angry because you declined all treatments and your pet is now
decomposing rapidly.
Press 14 to determine if your pets conditions is serious enough to be seen immediately. If its after midnight, our team of experts will be standing by to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes to agree it can wait until tomorrow.
Press 15 if your dog hasn't had a bowel movement in more then 8 days, you've only just become concerned, are disabled and have no money and you just want free advice over the phone.
Press 16 to demand immediate treatment but would like us to hold your check until next month.
Press 17 if you would like us to post date a previously post dated check.
Press 18 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and diahrrea and you'll only have $10. in your pocket.
Press 19 if you plan to arrive at our surgery facility in a new jaguar but can only pay for routine vaccinations at $5.00 a month.
Press 20 if you got a puppy from a shelter, it came down with distemper and you are extremely angry that no veterinarian will treat it for free.
Press 21 if you want to know if you can refer a friend who 'rescues' old pets from euthanasia and will she get a multi pet discount.
Press 22 if you still consider the cat you've owned for 10 years a stray because now its sick.
Press 23 if you would like to euthanize a pet that you cannot afford to take care of.
Press 24 to find out our busiest times, so that you can ensure that when you show up with out an appt and demand to be seen, maximum chaos will ensue.
Press 25 if you are not a client but were referred by a friend and you want to call the vet at home in the early am as she is trying to get ready for work and get her kid ready for school as you can talk about your pet who has been seen by another vet but is not getting better and you want to set up an appointment for a second opinion but first you want to know how much an exam will cost.
Press 26 if you would like to call the vet at home to see if your pet’s problem is worth bothering the vet on call.
Press 27 if you want us to trim the nails on your aggressive dog.
Press 28 if your reptilian pet has been living in a small tank in a cold dark room and has not eaten for 60 days, despite you having offered it several types of chocolates and crisps.
Press 29 if you pet has removed its bandage because you took off the e-collar, even though we explicitly requested you leave it on.
Press 30 if you think people have been coming into your house at night and pulling your cats teeth out (and all teeth present on exam)
Press 31 if you think that your dog is suicidal. (true story).
Press 32 if, even after 3 previous phone calls in which you were told that we are a vet hospital and do not see parrots, you still need clarification of the matter.
Press 33 if you are allergic to electricity and want all the electric equipment turned off while you are in the clinic.
Press 34 if you want to know what type of home medical care you need to give your dead rabbit when you pick it up.
Press 35 if you would an appointment to strip in the exam room to show the vet:-
(pick one) 1. your skin rash/sore that you think are caused by your pet. 2. your current surgery incisions to see whether they are healing properly and whether or not the vet thinks that the human surgeon did the surgery properly. 3.your old surgery/battle scars so you can boast what a tough person you are and why your pet doesn't need pain meds for its pending surgical procedure. 4. your skin lumps to see if the vet thinks they need to be removed, and whether or not the vet would be willing to remove them instead of going to the human doctor.
Press 36 if your unspayed 10 yr old dog has been in labor for over 2 days (when you suddenly realized she is pregnant) and you now suspect something is wrong.
Press 37 if your 'rotweiller got the mange'.
Press 38 if your cat has ingested 5 hershey kisses and you're worried he will die.
Press 39 if you have already given your kitten tylenol and want to know if it was the right thing to do.
Press 40 if your dog was neutered 6 weeks ago and you are angry because the testicles were removed.
Press 41 if you want your dog to be spayed but you want the doctor to come to your house and crawl under the porch to do it because she will not come out!!!
127-
A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.
After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.
He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.
Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".
128-
A woman with 3 vaginas goes to the doctors about her embarrassing problem to ask for some help.
The doctor takes a look down below and asks her to jump up on the table.
She spreads her legs apart and the doctor proceeds to sew up two of the holes leaving the middle one open.
The woman asks "Am I cured?" and the doctor replies "No, but it'll stop you getting fucked left right and center"
129-
"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria.
He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."
130-
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too...."
131-
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.
132-
Dave had been married 4 times. He was now approaching 80 years old and went to see his doctor. When he was shown in to see the doctor, he said, “Doctor, I have to let you know that I am soon to get married for a fifth time – to an 18 year old girl.”
His doctor replied, “This could be fatal, you know.”
Dave replied, “Well, if she dies, then she dies.”
Two weeks later, Dave again visits his doctor. “Doctor, I think I’m going impotent.”
His doctor says, “Oh, and when did you first notice this?”
Dave replies, “Last night and twice again this morning.”
133-
A fella goes to the doctor and says,
"I got a mole on the end of my penis"
Doc says, "Drop your trousers and show me"
After a look the doctor says,
"I can get rid of the mole but I'm gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people."
134-
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - - and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!"
135-
Chris had reached 60, so he went to see his doctor for a full medical check-up. When he had finished, the doctor said, "Relax, Chris, you’re in very good shape. I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’ll probably live till you’re 100. So how old was your father when he died?"
Chris replied, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor then asked, "How old is your father, is he still active?"
"He’s 83 and goes jogging and line dancing every week." Chris replied.
The doctor was very surprised. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Chris again answered, "Did I say he was dead, doctor?"
The doctor was astonished. "You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?"
Chris replied, "He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday, weather permitting. Not only that, he is 107 years old and next month he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "If he’s 107 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
Chris looked the doctor in the eye and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
136-
Fred goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?
137-
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a
gynaecologist.'"
138-
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
139-
There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.
But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.
Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.
"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'."
"Wow!" they say.
"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues. "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."
The others stand there staring, in total surprise.
"ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'." Valerie finished.
140-
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
141-
"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."
142-
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from
monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
143-
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and have an I.Q. of 165. I'd like to make a donation".
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I’ve used my right hand. I’ve used my left hand. I’ve poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replies, "I don't usually do this but you’re kind of cute..." She gets on her knees and gives him a blowjob.
The guy says “O, God! I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
144-
A surgeon is finishing up an operation when the patient wakes up. He then sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," says the surgeon.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
“OK” says the doctor as he hands him the needle, "Suture self."
145-
A woman goes to her dentist’s and after he’s given her a through examination he says,
“I am sorry to have to tell you, that I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman says, “No! O God, I'd rather have a baby!”
The dentist replies, “Make your mind up love, I’ll have to adjust the chair.”
146-
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could lip-read.
147-
A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head that she could turn to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, she turned the knob and the effects were wonderful - she remained young looking and vibrant.
After 15 years, she returned to the surgeon. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these big bags under my eyes and the knob just won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
The woman said, "I guess that explains the goatee."
148-
Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.
149-
A man comes to a doctor and twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to
say, "Doctor, I have a performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
150-
A businessman was confined to the for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the
night time activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. He order his nurses around as if they were his employees.
One morning the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I am sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an half an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doctor? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a daffodil"
151-
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
152-
First Aid for non-medically minded people
ELECTROCUTION
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest emergency room. You can use him/her to jump start the engine as well if need be.
TREATING BURNS AND SCALDS
Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible (if the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.
FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb, as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
CHOKING ON FOOD
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.
CUTS AND WOUNDS
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
OBJECTS STUCK IN VICTIM'S EYE
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.
CONCUSSION
When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the President of the USA is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes around, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something."
153-
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's rear was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really should learn to trust me!"
154-
A man is feeling very ill, so he goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty Sexually Transmitted Disease!"
"Oh my God, doctor! What are you going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pitta bread."
"Will t