Deep Thoughts 3
351-
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate.
I said, "Just wait."
352-
If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence?
353-
Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.
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INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalisation
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On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word.
On other days, the liquor store is closed.
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Historical fact
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertiliser, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in that form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water at sea hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a natural by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could and did happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term 'SHIT' which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golfing term.
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Handy Tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)
Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)
Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a
favourite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.
Another favourite. Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.
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THE ANSWER IS: OPEC
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does an Irish chicken do?
THE ANSWER: Sis Boom Baa
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What's the sound of an exploding sheep?
THE ANSWER: Blazing Saddles
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
THE ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road"
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
THE ANSWER: Hi Diddle Diddle
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What's the first thing you say in the morning to your diddle diddle?
THE ANSWER: Skalliwags
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
THE ANSWER: Bible belt
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants
THE ANSWER: Ben Gay
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
THE ANSWER: An unmarried woman
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 PM on June 1,
1959?
THE ANSWER: Old wives tale
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
THE ANSWER: Grape Nuts
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
THE ANSWER: Igloo
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
THE ANSWER: Gatorade
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
THE ANSWER: Until he gets caught
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
THE ANSWER: Supervisor
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
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Several Ways to Say that Somebody Is Dumb
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
No grain in the silo.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little farther apart than most.
The lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
A few slices short of a loaf.
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25 Home Truths
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay
People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off . I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbour was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18 The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour.
25. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
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A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
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Points to ponder
A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.
"Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a disease.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
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Investment tips for 2005.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2005.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
364-
A single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs.
365-
I'm passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...By following the simple advice I read in an article, I finally found inner peace. The article read: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.'
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, a Black Forest gateau, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have absolutely no idea how wonderful I feel right now...!
366-
A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia.
An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia?!
That's kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch.
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Proverbs @ web
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. In some places, C: is the root of all directories.
7. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
8. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
9. The geek shall inherit the earth.
10. Don't byte off more than you can view.
11. Windows will never cease.
12. Virtual reality is its own reward.
13. There's no place like your homepage.
14. Modulation in all things.
15. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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On this day in 1965, Sony introduces the first video cassette recorder, priced at a whopping $995.
Sales are almost non-existent until the late 70's, when millions of North American men suddenly realize that this miraculous new device allows them to masturbate while watching complete strangers fuck, all in the comfort of their own living room!
Technology ~ don't you just love it?
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Strange Proverbs
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
To avoid duplication, make three copies.
It's called "take home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it.
Success is relative -- the greater the success, the more relatives.
The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make.
If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself.
People like criticism -- just keep it positive and flattering.
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
A babysitter is a teen-ager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teen-agers.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Most people deserve each other.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your
neighbour buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man or woman by just the way they look from behind.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen
with..
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Thought for the day
Beware
The toes you step on today
could well be attached
to the legs
that lead to the arse
you may have to kiss tomorrow
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Have you ever wondered
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes????? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . ..
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Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name
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Almost there........
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level
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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
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Of course they fuckin' don't.......
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Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!
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Truisms
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Here's a list of my
favourite things to do.....
Well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbours, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get a little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, I'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe . You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a labour of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or.... you could just FUCK
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Thoughts
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that.
How many of your friends have you had neutered?
377-
Anon list...
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price! BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop. WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again! BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay. WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader! BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash. WORSE: It's jock itch.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love! BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed. WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV. BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999. WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school. BAD: until a school
counsellor urges therapy for both your son & daughter. WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss. BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week. WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon. BAD: There's a
rumour going around town that he's gay. WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
379-
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning."
380-
Dementia test
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so..... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin:
Question 1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said: "bread," go to the next question.
Question 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World." If you said: "water," proceed to the next question.
Question 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing reading these questions? If you said: "glass,", then go on to the next question.
Question 4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realising that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said: "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to Question 5.
Question 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree! If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In
Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
381-
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The
next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.
382-
Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please mate ...
Shop Keeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
Shop Keeper: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare
Customer: Hamburger Relish?
Shop Keeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Sausage and Mash?
Shop Keeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Cottage Pie?
Shop Keeper: Aye, ... no wait, cancer scare.
Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?
Shop Keeper: Yup.
Customer: bloody hell, that's mad, just give me a 20 Regal King Size then.
Shop Keeper: No bother mate. £5.25 please.
383-
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."
384-
Ponder this
Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
The proctologist called.... they found your head.
Save your breath........ You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys.... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Try not to let your mind wander.... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Welcome to America .... Now learn Spanish.
385-
"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tyres."
386-
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
387-
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married
388-
Rules for parking if you are rude
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signalling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same colour as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted... for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping centre parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping centre, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number!
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100 Useless Facts
Contrary to popular opinion, oven chips are not good for you. Despite the manufacturer's attempts to persuade you that they're practically a health food, the reason oven chips cook in the oven whereas normal chips don't, is that Mr McCain soaks the oven chips in fat before putting them in the flimsy plastic bag. And this is in some way better than you soaking it in fat yourself, at home, among friends. I mean at least I know where my fat came from. .
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs. .
If you take some dried grasshoppers, powder them and roll them into a cigarette, and then smoke that cigarette, you can simulate the effects of not having any marijuana. .
Beer makes an amusing, and effective, substitute for lemonade at tiny children's birthday parties. Watch your child's friends' parents' faces as your child starts becoming aggressive, chanting football slogans and vomiting over the furniture, and its tiny friends get into a vicious fight with Newcastle Brown bottles over whether or not one of them is 'a poof'. .
Custard powder (indeed any fine, dry powder such as coffee whitener or cement) forms a highly inflammable and explosive suspension in air. Holding a jar high in the air and gently tapping some out, while holding a burning lighter underneath, is a great way to amuse your friends at parties. It's also a great way to lose your eyebrows, hair, the paint off your ceiling, and frequently your ceiling.
Those aren't really Helen Mirren's legs in that banal British Airways advert. And yes, I am concentrating in the area in front of your legs Helen, I'm a girl. .
Dropping a laser printer toner cartridge from the top deck of King's Mall Car Park in Hammersmith is a good way to make your mark. In this case, a large circular mark about thirty feet across. .
Irritating market research operatives, religious cultists and other people who approach you in the street can be easily killed by means of a simple home-made flamethrower. This can be constructed by the
lay being in less than an hour using a tin of petrol, a bicycle pump, a candle and a length of garden hose. .
Ethernet cable makes an amusing, and fatal, substitute for bungee rope. .
The word 'yes' in Italian means 'no' in English. This has foxed intrepid travellers for centuries. .
You can quickly drive human beings to homicide and madness by the simple expedient of sitting behind them on a train popping bubble wrap continuously for forty minutes.
Safeway Savers Sausage contain up to 320% of the European Community's recommended daily allowance of lard.
Breakfast cereals only contain vitamins and iron because the manufacturers literally pour great vats of nutrient into the packets before shipping them. It's all a bit futile really; you might as well pour a tub of multi-vitamins over your chips and say 'Look everyone! Chips are good for you, no they are, they're full of vitamins!". .
Childrens' Wendy houses are not practical dwelling places for a family of fully-grown adults. Seriously. Give it a go. .
Most things that look like wood nowadays simply aren't. It's quite literally a thin veneer. .
Internet router programming has been shown to cause vomiting and premature death in laboratory children. .
The word 'frisnit' is not in the standard UNIX spell-checking dictionary. Try it if you don't believe me. .
You can get a lot of shit out of a Pekinese. .
The Spring/Summer 2003 Index Catalogue is full of overpriced tat. .
The standard playing speed of the average cassette tape is 1 and 7/8ths of an inch per second. .
A beermat can be a surprisingly effective weapon, if you're drunk enough. The key thing here is to hone it to a killing edge, then use it to slice the victim's cheek open. .
You can hurt yourself if you run with chainsaws. .
Salman Rushdie devised the slogans "Naughty but nice" and "Go to work on an egg". (If only he'd stopped at that.) .
Mike Nesmith out of the Monkees' mum invented Sno-Paque (not Tippex - sorry Mike Nesmith's mum). No, honestly! .
You can remain alive for up to 13 seconds after having your head cut off. .
Wee Jimmy Krankie off of TV's The Krankies is not in fact a small boy. It's a WOMAN dressed up. .
Toffee Crisp chocolate bars contain 2.1g of protein. Like, if you're stuffing your face with a great lardy Toffee Crisp you give a flying shite about how much protein it contains. .
Remember children can choke on peanuts. (Warning on the back of a packet of peanuts). Well, I find it an amusing thought. .
Regional television tends towards the slightly amateurish and embarrassing. .
You can hurt yourself if you run with scissors. .
Motor racing's Murray Walker invented the phrase "A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play". Apparently. .
Betamax is better than VHS. .
The hexadecimal machine language for the 80x86 assembler instruction TEST Byte Ptr [BX+01B3],02 is as follows: F687B30102 .
Gerbils are illegal in California. .
Every single human on the planet has more than 6.0 * 10^19 (60 octillion or 60,000,000,000,000,000,000)
haemoglobin molecules. Each of those is made up of 574 amino acids, each of which are connected in a special order. .
In 1983, a Japanese artist, Tadahiko Ogawa, made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of ordinary toast. .
Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on the runways to scare birds away. .
The spray WD-40 got its name because there were forty attempts needed before the creation of the "water displacing" substance. .
In only eight minutes, the Space Shuttle can accelerate to a speed of 27,000 kilometres per hour. .
Coconuts kill more people in the world than sharks do. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321. .
In the game Monopoly, the most money you can lose in one travel around the board (normal game rules, going to jail only once) is $26,040. The most money you can lose in one turn is $5070. .
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. .
According to British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offence. Offenders could be hanged for trying. .
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. .
In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away by law if the driver is deemed either unbathed or poorly dressed. .
In England during Queen Victoria's reign, it was illegal to be a homosexual but not a lesbian. The reason being that when the Queen was approving the law she wouldn't believe that women would do that. .
In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays.
In the UK, there is no act of parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent. .
It is against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris. .
It is illegal in Sweden to train a seal to balance a ball on its nose. .
It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California. .
50,000 of the cells in your body will die and be replaced with new cells all while you have been reading this sentence. .
A person at rest generates as much heat as a 100-watt light bulb. .
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks. .
A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure. .
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. .
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds. .
By the age of 60, the human eye has absorbed the same amount of light produced in an atomic blast. .
During menstruation, the sensitivity of a woman's middle finger is reduced. .
Human beings cannot taste or smell a substance that is not soluble. .
If someone punches you in the nose hard, it will hurt. .
f you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb. .
If you lock you knees while standing long enough, you will pass out. .
In Michigan, USA, a man legally owns his wife's hair. .
Melting an ice cube in your mouth burns 3 calories. .
Mr. Spock's blood is green. .
On average, a man will only speak 2000 words over the course of a day while a woman will speak 7000 words in the same amount of time. .
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. .
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people. .
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. .
Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out. .
The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet. .
The city morgue in the Bronx, New York gets so busy sometimes that the next of kin have to take a number for body identification. .
The study of nose picking is called rhinotillexomania. .
X goes first in Tic Tac Toe. .
There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo. .
If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at approximately 4:30pm the previous day. .
One legend claims stealing someone's shadow (by measuring it against a wall and driving a nail through its head) can turn the victim into a vampire. .
One year contains 31,557,600 seconds. .
Scientists in Australia's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a microwave in the building. .
In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute. .
It is illegal to frown at cows in Bladworth, Saskatchewan. .
It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland. .
Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U. S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates. .
The youngest Pope was 11 years old. .
43% of all statistics are completely useless. .
4/3rds of all people don't understand fractions. .
A woman invented the dishwasher. .
In 1936, American track star Jesse Owens beat a race horse over a 100-yard course. The horse was given a head start. .
The only bone not broken so far during any ski accident is one located in the inner ear. .
Three consecutive strikes in bowling is called a turkey. .
A Duracell MN1203 battery has 4.5v in it.
The Ford Ka was the first car to be designed by a woman. No wonder there's no leg room. .
At the CERN research facility in Geneva, Switzerland, some readings observed by the scientists were not due to newly discovered sub-atomic particles, but to trains leaving the local stations creating minute power surges.
The sanskrit word for war literally translates as "wanting more cows". .
No type of crisps produced (to date) ever taste like the flavour as described on the packet. 'Scampi & lemon' flavour Nik-Naks came close, and would have succeeded if they'd named them 'Whore's fanny' flavour. .
If you took all the Christmas trees in England and placed them in Wembley stadium, it would be pretty hard to play football. .
There are three league football teams with swear words in their name: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Fucking Manchester United. .
It is illegal to do washing on a Sunday in Switzerland.
390-
When push comes to shove... somebody's gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same damn thing.
391-
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different
colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
392-
There is nothing wrong with abstinence................... in moderation.
393-
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
Here we are at the beginning of Spring and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.
394-
Quality letters
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty-eight pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
According to Nietzsche: 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my granddad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach
IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the
twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Thames
I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a really great shag. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi Beach
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
395-
Penetrating thoughts:
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa-Zsa Gabor
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness . But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires..... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good... spit it out.
396-
Supposedly I was created in God's image. I don't know... you'd think God would have a bigger penis than this.
397-
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
398-
Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!
399-
Zimbabwe ~ The only country in the world where the largest note ($500) can’t buy you a roll of 1=ply toilet paper which costs $1000. There are approximately 72 sections on the average roll so it is cheaper to take your $1000, change it into $10 notes, wipe your ass on 72 of them....and get $280 change.
400-
It's Easier To Build A Child Than To Repair An Adult
401-
"Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life."
402-
Schwartkopf beauty products................
Would you buy them if you knew that, in German, it means 'black head'?
403-
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
404-
My cousin, Marilyn, a semi-retired teacher, had agreed to fill in for a friend who had to take a few days off for a medical exam. The course was an introductory biology class and the topic for the week was mammals,
So my cousin said she was preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the group.
Of course the obvious place for her to look for images was on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos."
Then she says, she obviously made some sort of mistake when she did a search for "beaver photos."
405-
A woman was so desperate to have a child she spent ten years trying to conceive. She had tried countless sperm donors over the years and finally the day came when she had a positive result from her doctors; at last, she was pregnant.
In an interview with a national newspaper, she said, “You wouldn’t believe the lengths I’ve had to go through to have this baby”.
Enough said.
406-
Warning label on a drum of industrial-strength detergent: "If you cannot read English, do not use this product until label has been explained to you."
407-
THE YEAR 1905
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905 one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U. S. statistics for 1905:
The average life expectancy in the U. S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U. S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U. S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U. S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U. S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U. S. took place at home .
Ninety percent of all U. S. physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U. S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhoea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. .....Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U. S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. .....According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U. S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U. S.
And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . it staggers the mind.
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CHINESE WISDOM
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth.
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Darwin Awards 2005
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a. m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
410-
So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?
What it says: "You have demonstrated financial responsibility..." What it means: "You're breathing!"
What it says: "Our membership is difficult to obtain..." What it means: "Death row prisoners are not eligible... in most states!"
What it says: "We have shortened the application process..." What it means: "We need lots of new members fast or we'll go out of business!"
What it says: "You have no predetermined credit limit..." What it means: "We're not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency."
What it says: "Exceptional Customer Service..." What it means: "Except when you need it!"
What it says: "Trained customer representatives await your call..." What it means: "This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?"
What it says: "To apply for membership, fill out this short form..." What it means: "You'll get the long form later."
What it says: "You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else..." What it means: "Catch us, if you can!"
What it says: "We look forward to receiving your completed application..." What it means: "We baited the hook, let's see if anyone bites!"
What it says: "You've been pre-approved..." What it means: "You've been pre-approved to be Rejected!" or "We've already prepared your letter of denial."
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Age-activated Attention Deficit Disorder (A. A. A. D. D.)
You decide to wash the car
As you start towards the garage, you notice that there is mail in the hall
You decide to go through the mail before washing the car
You put your keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin, and notice that the bin is full
So, you decide to put the bills back down and take out the rubbish first
But then you think "since I'm going near the post box to take out the rubbish, I'll pay the bills first"
You get your chequebook and see that there is only 1 cheque left
The new cheque book is in the desk in the study, so you go to the desk where you find the cup of coffee you'd been drinking
Looking for the chequebook, you must first move aside the coffee, so that you don't knock it over
Setting the coffee down on the filing cabinet, you find the reading glasses that you've been looking for all morning
You decide to put them back on the desk, but first you need to water the flowers
You put the glasses back down on the filing cabinet, and go to the kitchen for water for the flowers, when you suddenly spot the TV remote, and as you'll be looking for this later and won't remember where it is, you decide to put it back where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers
You manage to spill some water on the floor while carrying it to the flowers
So you out the remote down and get some cloths to mop up
Then you head off down the hall trying to remember what you were going to do
At the end of the day - the car isn't washed. The bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee in the study, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only 1 cheque left in the book, you can't find the remote, you can't find your glasses and you don't remember what you did with the car keys
Then you try to work out why nothing got done all day and you're baffled because you know you were busy all day long and you're really tired!!
412-
American wisdom
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
My neighbour was bitten by a stray, rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said: "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
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Clearly Defined Words
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.
NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.
414-
Truths about life...
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...
True friends stab you in the front.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
415-
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
... Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
416-
And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So my friends, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
Forward this onto your friends today and let them know you've been thinking about them!
Have A Great Day
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.
418-
Locked your keys inside the car?
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS WORKS, BUT IT DOES! NO MORE AA
If you accidentally lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone there on your mobile 'phone.
Hold your 'phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at your home press the unlock button of your key fob (clicker), holding it near the phone on their end. Your car doors should unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your spare keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away. If you can reach someone who has the spare 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors.
Editor's Note * This will only work with an ultrasonic fob. It cannot work with anything which is infra-red or radio frequency. There is no way on earth the speaker in any mobile phone could generate infra-red or radio waves, which are both forms of electromagnetic radiation - and neither could the microphone on the "home" set respond to them.
It works fine! We tried it out, and it unlocked our car over a mobile 'phone! I locked the car then had my youngest daughter call me while I was far away from the car. I clicked 'open' into the 'phone and I could hear the car doors unlock through her 'phone. My daughter confirmed that sure enough the doors
opened.
419-
How Standards Are Created Historically
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?
The U. S. standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So, who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
What about the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right. The Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
420-
THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.
The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.
Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."
Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act,
retrospective to the beginning of the summer.
It is quickly passed through the Senate.
The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass hoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.
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If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.
422-
ACCESS TIME 1. n. The time taken between requesting and receiving data in computing 2. n. The time taken for a woman to produce enough moisture to allow smooth penetration without feeling like one is scraping ones’s giggling stick on the Great Barrier Reef.
ACORN n. A little bell end nesting forlornly in the pubage of a fat German naturalist.
ADW abbrev. All Day Wank. A 24 hour trip to the Billy Mill Roundabout with no hand signals. Something to do when the Queen Mum dies and the telly is off.
AFTER DINNER BINT n. A bird you have to take out to dinner to fuck.
AFTERBURNER n. A pyroflatulatory anal announcement. A blue streak, St. George’s ruin.
AIR TULIP n. A delightfully fragrant fart, as dropped by Lady Di or Grace Kelly. But not Jocky Wilson.
ALE STONES n. A downpour of marble sized tods after a night spent quaffing Youngers Scotch Bitter.
AMERICAN TIP 1. n. A piece of advice given by someone from the USA. 2. n. A short rubber Johnny that covers the herman gelmet and prevents the
wanked-up spunk going on the hotel sheets.
ANAL DELIGHT 1. n. A soft, light, fluffy chocolate or butter-scotch-coloured pudding served in a large porcelain bowl. 2. n. Pleasures taken in tradesman’s practices.
APESHIT 1. n. That which is flung at your granny in a zoo. 2. adj. State of mental perturbation. Fucking
radgy.
AQUAFRESH n. A skidmark created on the inside of the trousers of someone wearing a G-string
ie. Three stripes of two different colours.
ARSE SPIDER n. A tenacious, well-knotted winnet that cannot be removed without bringing eight spindly hairs with it.
ARSEHOLE 1. n. The dirtbox, the tea towel holder. 2. sim. Someone or something. ‘That bird is as rough as arseholes without her make-up on. When she’s got it on she’s rough as fuck.’ 3. n. Descriptive of a person with a character of Eddie Irvine or Dave Lee Travis.
ARSEOVOIR n. The little indent just above a builder’s arse that holds about half a pint of sweat.
AUGUSTUS n. A hur-mur sexual. A botter. From Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Augustus Gloop got stuck up the chocolate pipe.
AUNT MARY n. A lady’s hairy fadge.
AZTEC TWO-STEP n. Diarrhoea dance along the lines of the Tijuana cha-cha. Turkish two-step.
423-
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Now, the Moral of the Story:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
P. S. - The donkey later came back and kicked the crap out of the man that tried to bury him.
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
424-
25 Phrases Of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
425-
A 13-year-old girl was expelled from school in Beaver, Pa., in July for performing oral sex on a boy during a school bus ride home in May; her mother had challenged the expulsion, unsuccessfully arguing that the school had never specified which activities were unacceptable. Gimme a friggin break... what in the hell is wrong with these parents???
426-
SOME TEXAS WISDOM
1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
9. Don't squat with your spurs on.
10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
427-
"They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned if I am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store."
428-
Have you ever asked ...
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
When you discover a missing buttonhole... where did it go?
429-
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the native American Indians
430-
A useless message in my in-box trumpeted, "Satisfy the girls with a bigger dick!"
Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick, especially if it's bigger than mine.
431-
"If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
432-
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
433-
When I was a little child and walked the odd mile and a bit to
school, and back
again, there was this invariable tirade before leaving : when you cross the road, look left, then look right, the look again. It did happen that every year or so, a kid ran across the road right into the path of a oncoming car. Did our parents protest to ban cars from the road ? No. Did they hire crossing guards ?
No. Did they even send grief counsellors to the school ? No, there was this universal conspiracy that put all the blame on that stupid kid. See what happens!
GOOD
Thank God this cannot happen anymore. Since it is to far to walk, the kids get bussed. Where I live, there was a kid stupid enough to run in front
of the bus, so they promptly put little windows at the bottom of the door and huge mirrors behind it, so the driver could see the front of the
bus, but since there are limits to intelligence and none to stupidity, a kid did manage to avoid those precautions and manage to get run
over, so in addition to the mirrors, they now have arms the extend, like in a railway crossing. This proves once again that the government will spend millions to preserve stupidity at all
costs. It not only assures them of being voted into office, it provides a ready replacement for the incumbent
party. BAD
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Qs &As
Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.
Q. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
Q. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. The sheep that can run the fastest.
Q. What's the down side to a threesome?
A. You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
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I was recently at a supermarket, purchased for $17.03, gave the cashier $20.00 and as she punched it in found the three cents and gave it to her. Her reply : I am sorry sir, I cannot accept it, I have
already punched it in. Somewhat upset, I asked why on earth not. It appeared that she would have to cancel the entire transaction, which needed to be approved by a supervisor, and re-enter it so that the screen showed her how much change to give. I took
my three cents and $2.97 change back, knowing that sometimes argument is futile.
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Wordplay
1. A bicycle can't stand-alone because it is two-tyred.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine either.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
27. A backward poet writes inverse.
28.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
29.. Dijon vu, the same mustard as before.
30. Practice safe eating: always use safe condiments.
31.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
32. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
33.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
34. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really just a form of floor play.
35. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
36. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
37.Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
38. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
39. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
40. She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but broke it off.
41. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
42.If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
43. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
44.When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
45..The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
46. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
47. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
48. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
49. Every calendar's days are numbered.
50..A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
51. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
52.He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
53.A plateau is a high form of flattery.
54. Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
55. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
56. Bakers trade bread recipes on a kneed to know basis.
57. Santa' helpers are subordinate clauses.
58. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
59. A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
437-
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.
Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I will now return the favour.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm today and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbour's cousin, and he's a lawyer.
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So there I was at a check out counter waiting for an elderly man to count out change when a jerk behind me said "come on old man, I haven't got all day!"
I turned and gave the guy a cold stare, and he says "what are you looking at?" I replied, "Apparently, a fantastic anal orifice of epic proportion."
This confused him. After about 5 seconds he says "thanks" and looked away.
Meanwhile, as the elderly man handed the cashier the change, he gave m