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Deep Thoughts 2

201-
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour.

202-
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

203-
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --

204-
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started

205-
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself. 
To My Friend, 
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
When you smile, I'll know you finally got a shag. 
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get. 
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up. 
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, you thick idiot. 
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want to catch it. 
When you fall, I will point and laugh at you - clumsy twat! 
This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! 
If you wish to, send this poem to five friends or else you will get depressed because you realise you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. 
P.S. A friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move a body 

206-
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

207-
How weird is this...
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
What direction is your foot going now? - Weird

208-
This week's Eejit of the Week Award goes to...
All those people out there who made it necessary for the manufacturer of a fold-up baby stroller pram to include the following warning with their product: "Remove child before folding."

209-
You know how you read about all them international terrorists in the States, and most of them went there legally, but they kept hanging around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years? Now, compare that to Blockbuster Video - if you're two days late with a vid, those people are all over you. So our advice is: put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. Sorted.

210-
Grandmother used to take my mother to the circus to see the fat lady and tattooed man - now they're everywhere.

211-
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."- Billy Wilder 

212-
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? 
Same middle name. 

213-
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

214-
Alcohol never solved any problems..
But then again neither has milk

215-
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life. 
John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours. 
In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one.
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.
Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!
Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

216-
Next time you give your clothes away, stay in them. 
Next time you pass my house, I'll appreciate it. 
If you ever need me, please hesitate to call. 
I'll never forget the first time we met - but I'm trying. 

217-
Definition of Progress:-
The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals. 

218-
More Deep Thoughts

What is a man's view of safe sex? 
A padded headboard.

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

219-
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the extinction of the dinosaurs. Well, the tallest ones, anyway. 

220-
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig eh

221-
I just heard on CNN that the average cost for a Nursing Home per day in the USA is $188!! 
Now, I figure it this way, I can get a real nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65... that leaves $123 for beer, food (room service), laundry, Elvis collectibles, gratuities and clothes. 
They have a swimming pool, some even have a workout room (therapy), a lounge, cable (recreation), washer dryer (if I am too impaired, a child or grandchild can pick up my clothes once a week, or they could rotate, that way everyone would only have to do it twice a year). 
Most have free toothpaste and razors, but all have free shampoo and soap. 
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's all right, it takes months to get into some Nursing Homes. 
There is the Senior bus, the Handicap bus, a Church bus or van, cabs, alert cabs, public transportation! 
You have security and if someone sees you drop over, I am sure they would call an ambulance (if you break your hip, hopefully the family would be smart enough to sue). What more could you ask for?! 
With AAUP and other Senior discounts, I could be liven' pretty damn nicely. 
So, when I reach that Golden age, help me keep my grin, just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn! 

222-
More Rejected Children's Book Titles:
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Claus is your real Mum
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipes to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabies
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

223-
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or the next door neighbours, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

224-
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

225-
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough
If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor
If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette
If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

226-
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. 
But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. 
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

227-
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

228-
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. 
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. 
One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

229-
QUESTIONS
1-What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2-What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3-What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4-What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5-Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6-What does a dog do that you can step into?
7-What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8-What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9-What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10-What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS: 
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name) 

230-
Tip #1: GOLFERS! Always wear two pairs of trousers, in case you get a hole in one.

Tip #2: PARENTS TO BE! Need an exotic Far Eastern-sounding name for your newborn? Simply drop some silverware on the floor - whatever sound it makes is what to name your kid.

Tip #3: KIDS! Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. And as a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Tip #4: PEOPLE IN HORROR FILMS! If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

231-
A Halloween Safety Public Service Announcement . . . .
As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween season, please take a few minutes to read some simple rules to help keep everyone safe.
1. - Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
2. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
3. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. - Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
5. - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
6. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
7. - Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
8. - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
9. - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
10. - If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand there sighing with relief, GET THE HELL OUT!
11. - If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!
12. - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
13. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
14. - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
15. - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
16. - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
17. - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
18. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.
19. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
20. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

232-
Bad Days - All true
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. 
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.
She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. 
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.
Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. 
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, lost his grip on the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. 
                                    ******************************************
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. 
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
                                     ******************************************
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. 
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
                                       ******************************************
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
                                       ******************************************
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

233-
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN 
1.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify in one word, the reason Why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3.There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

234-
One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

235-
TRULY Helpful Holiday Cleaning Tips:
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibres. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

236-
"The Washington Post's Snigglet Invitational" once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:
1 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
2 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
3 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4 Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8 Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
11 Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12 Glibido: All talk and no action.
13 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14 Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast-out.
16 Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 

237-
So many cats.... so few recipes

238-
Having a Bad Day?
A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. 
                                                    *****************************
A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel!!. The concrete then hardened (no shit!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy, have I led a sheltered life!) 
                                                     *****************************
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. 

239-
More Quotes
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ( Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . (Woody Allen)

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain) 

240-
Tortured English
-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? - It's a dead give away.
-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
-- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

241-
It's hard to remember you only came to drain the lake when you're up to your bollocks in alligators.

242-
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. 

243-
Growing old disgracefully
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old ... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat what you want 'till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see me flaunt it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose - some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
Isn't it scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker?
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age.. but they haven't yet made one called: "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let ageing get you down...It's too hard to get back-up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!

244-
Veni, vidi, vice -- (I came, I saw, I partied) 
Quip pro quo -- (A fast retort) 
Aloha oy! -- (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know) 
Mazel ton -- (Lots of luck) 
Apres Moe, le deluge -- (Larry and Curly get wet) 
Porte-Kochere -- (Sacramental wine) 
Iic liebe rich -- (I'm really crazy about having dough) 
Fui generis -- (What's mine is mine) 
VISA la France -- (Don't leave chateau without it) 
Ca va sans dirt -- (And that's not gossip) 
Merci rien -- (Thanks for nothin') 
Amicus puriae -- (Platonic friend) 
L'etat, c'est moo -- (I'm bossy around here) 
L'etat, c'est Moe -- (All the world's a stooge)

245-
And the lion shall lay down with the lamb.
But it’s the lion that’s going to get the better night’s sleep.

246-
The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who wants to institute regulations to fine all those people who are already doing it. 

247-
Psycho test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down for the result:
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there and then but, being ladylike, didn't ask him for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer.


(Scroll Down)



(Scroll Down)




Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email address book. 

248-
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity........ I enjoy it. 

249-
"I rely on my personality for birth control."

250-
All extremists should be taken outside and shot

251-
I'm trying to see it from your point of view but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.

252-
I'd sooner have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

253-
20 Ways to Maintain Your Sanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera (or to the classical station on your radio).
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Dress up like a pilot, go to the airport lounge and get drunk like hell.

254-
The voices in my head told me to do it....... 
You are talking to one of the voices....

255-
I have come here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum

256-
If you can keep your head, when others around you are losing theirs... THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION YOU'RE IN!

257-
Crowd (in unison): Yes, we are all individuals 
Lone voice at back: I'm not!

258-
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. 
11. "What the fuck do you mean we're sinking?" 
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 
10. "What the fuck was that?" 
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 
9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" 
-- Custer, 1877 
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." 
-- Einstein, 1938 
7. "It does so fucking look like her!" 
-- Picasso, 1926 
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" 
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC 
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" 
-- Michelangelo, 1566 
4. "Where the fuck are we?" 
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937 
3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" 
-- Noah, 4314 BC 
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" 
-- Bill Clinton, 1999 
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." 
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

259-
I love animals... They’re delicious! 
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

260-
You Know You're Living in the Year 2004 when...
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ; )
19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to...

261-
By definition, half the world population is below average intelligence and I am not too certain about the rest!

262-
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

263-
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

264-
There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary. 
1. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? 
2. Coloured Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. 
3. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them. 
4. Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be. 
5. Coloured Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye colour. 
6. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes. 
7. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic. 
8. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly. 
9. Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out. 
10. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie. 
11. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers. 

265-
Don't take life too seriously, after all, you won't get out alive.

266-
I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

267-
If I were a midget used-car dealer, my motto would be "You can trust me as far as you can throw me."

268-
Before I met you, I hadn't realised Attention Span Deficit could be acquired.

269-
* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize 

270-
The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. 
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

271-
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." 

272-
Do you know Jack???
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them

273-
The Greatest Mistakes of All Time by Martha Brockenbrough
"Genius? Nothing! Sticking to it is the genius! ... I've failed my way to success." -Thomas Edison. Sit down. Pour yourself a Coke, have a chocolate chip cookie-whatever you like. Then, grab a yellow sticky note and write this down: MISTAKES ARE GOOD! You may have heard this before, but I bet you still hate the idea of screwing-up and embarrassing yourself in front of everybody. This is understandable. We aren't very nice to people who make mistakes.
Unless you somehow manage not to do anything ever again, you will mess up, somehow, somewhere. I promise. If you have the right frame of mind, though, that mistake could turn out to be one of the most valuable, most important, most memorable, or most delicious accidents in history. It's happened before--too many times for me to describe without giving you severe eyestrain. There's a great little book on the topic called 'Mistakes that Worked', by Charlotte Foltz Jones. It's written for kids, but it's the sort of thing that's a fun read even for adults. I've picked my favourite mistakes from history, science, and folklore. Some are familiar. We already know, for instance, that Christopher Columbus meant to sail to Asia, not America. We may never have pondered other mistakes, however. Where would Jack be if his mother hadn't tossed his magic beans out the window? Not up the beanstalk getting golden eggs from the giant's goose, that's for sure. And where would Cinderella be had she not dropped her glass slipper? Cleaning the fireplace, that's where. (By the way, did you know that the original Cinderella story had her wearing a fur shoe? A French writer made a mistake when he wrote the story down in 1697, confusing two homonyms--vair, an Old French word for fur, and verre, which is French for glass. But it was a good mistake, making for much more romantic story, and much better fashion.)
And now for the rest...
Coca-Cola, chocolate chip cookies, and yellow sticky notes. Did you wonder why I invited you to have a snack at the beginning of this story? It was because both Coca-Cola and chocolate chip cookies were mistakes - or at least unexpected delights. And yellow sticky notes were the result of a failure. Here's what happened:
Innkeeper Ruth Wakefield was baking Butter Drop Do cookies one day in the 1930s using a recipe that dated back to colonial times. She cut up a Nestlé chocolate bar and put the chunks in the batter, expecting them to melt. Wakefield thought she'd be pulling chocolate-flavoured cookies out of the oven. Instead, what she got were butter cookies studded with gooey chocolate chips. Her mistake became one of the most favourite cookies of all time.
Coca-Cola was the result of another delicious accident. In 1886 a pharmacist named John Pemberton cooked up a medicinal syrup in a large brass kettle slung over an open fire, stirring it with an oar. When he was done, he figured he had created a fine tonic for people who were tired, nervous, or plagued with sore teeth. Coke didn't make it as medicine, and wasn't even an instant success as a beverage. In the first year, Pemberton spent $73.96 promoting his new product but managed to sell only $50 worth. Today people guzzle 1 billion drinks a day from the Coca-Cola company (they make more than Coke), which is quite encouraging for us everyday screw-ups.
Yellow sticky notes, officially known as Post-it Notes, got their start in 1968 when a 3M researcher tried to improve adhesive tape. What he got was a semisticky adhesive--not exactly what you want out of tape. Even so, he knew he had something cool--he just didn't know what to do with it. Four years later, another 3M scientist was getting frustrated. This scientist was a member of his church choir, and he kept dropping the bookmarks stuck in his hymnal. What he needed was something that would stick without being too sticky - something just like that weak glue his colleague had accidentally created. In 1980 the Post-it Note became an official product and a huge hit. Another 3M scientist came up with a cool substance called Scotchguard, which helps prevent dirt from staining fabric. But that wasn't what she set out to create: Scotchguard grew out of an attempt to make a synthetic rubber to be used in airplane fuel lines. One day some of the new substance spilled on her assistant's canvas shoe, and they couldn't get it off. As the tennis shoe grew older, it got dingy--everywhere except where the substance had spilled. It took three more years of tinkering, but they had their Scotchguard.
Tyres and Silly Putty
Rubber got its name when English scientist Joseph Priestley discovered that a wad of it was good at "rubbing out" pencil mistakes on paper. But the rubber really hit the road-literally-when someone figured out how to stabilize it for use in boots, tires, and the like. The problem was that rubber melted if it got too hot and shattered if it got too cold. A colourful character named Charles Goodyear tried to fix this problem in several ways, but it wasn't until (according to legend) he accidentally dropped a blob of rubber and sulphur on a hot stove that he found something that worked. Goodyear denied this was a mistake, but the point is that he had the savvy to know he was on to something good. Rubber shortages during World War II prompted the U.S. government to look for a synthetic rubber. It seemed like a good idea to try to make this substitute for rubber out of something plentiful, and researchers eventually settled on silicone. An inventor at General Electric added a little boric acid to silicone oil and developed a gooey, bouncy substance. This substance failed as a substitute for rubber, but after the war it became an extremely popular toy known as Silly Putty. Apollo 8 astronauts later used it to stabilize their tools in zero gravity. (The astronauts carried their Silly Putty in sterling silver eggs.) Today, Binney & Smith (the company that makes Silly Putty) produces 20,000 eggs' worth of Silly Putty a day.
The implantable cardiac pacemaker and penicillin.
Some errors have saved lives. Before Wilson Greatbatch came along, people with irregular heartbeats had to control their pulse using a sometimes painful external device invented in 1952 by Paul Zoll. The external pacemaker was about the size of a small television, and administered life-saving jolts of electricity, which sometimes burned the skin. Greatbatch, a medical researcher, was working on a device to record irregular heartbeats when he accidentally inserted a resistor of the wrong size. He noticed that the circuit pulsed, stopped, and pulsed again--just like a human heart. After two years of tinkering, Greatbatch had made the first implantable pacemaker. He later invented a corrosion-free lithium battery to power it, and millions have benefited. Penicillin is another famous example of a mistake turned good. In 1928 scientist Alexander Fleming noticed that mold spores had contaminated one of the bacteria samples he had left by an open window. Instead of discarding his ruined experiment, Fleming took a close look and noticed the mold was dissolving the harmful bacteria. And that's how we got penicillin, which helps people around the world recover from infections.
This brings to mind a powerful quote by scientist Louis Pasteur, "Where observation is concerned, chance favors only the prepared mind," and another, by writer James Joyce, "Mistakes are the portals for discovery."
What they mean is that you should look carefully--and study your errors. You may find things you were never looking for, things that could change the world, or at the very least, taste really good. 

274-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication, we do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
KOFI ANAN
We have yet to pass a resolution commissioning the identification of this animal and it is far too early to discuss any road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MARY WHITEHOUSE
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken? I don't remember a chicken
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book - and Internet Eggsplorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Shit. I missed one?

275-
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history.... with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

276-
As I've matured, 
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. 
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ass-holes. 
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. 
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. 
After that, you'd better have a big willie or huge boobs. 
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed-up than you think. 
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. 
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. 
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place! 
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it 
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. 
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe 
Something good will happen. 
If not...tough shit! 

277-
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. 

278-
Sex Facts
* Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty) 
* Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to ensure fertilization. (any excuse) 
* In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish. 
* Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth. 
* In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your health and stimulates sexual potency. 
* You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females hiss. 
* Human birth control pills work on gorillas. 
* The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (out with a bang) 
* Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying around) 
* According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live years longer if they abstained. ( tell that to Bill Clinton) 
* In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking. 
* A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom. 
* If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are still active. 
* The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex organs. (banana bobbit) 
* Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (some women have met a man like this) 
* The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (met one or two sperm women) 
* Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like that) 
* Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity. 
* Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay off the water) 
* A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face. 
* Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself. 
* Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's. 
* Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (how do they find this out) 
* A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we get the derogatory slang. 
* Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they do it on porpoise) 
* Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (is why they call it a screw) 
* Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution by stealing food during sex. 
*The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?) 
* 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake mating session. 
* The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go on drill her) 
* Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their erections. 
* Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds. 

279-
A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned.
Wedged into a two-seater, a near-naked man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman tried to summon help by honking the horn with her foot. A doctor, paramedics, firemen and a group of passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath 200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr. Brian Richards. '"To free the couple, firemen had to cut away the car frame," he added. 
The distraught woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed,
"'How am I going to explain to my husband what has happened to his car?"

280-
Headlines or Oxymorons or Moronic Headlines?
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies In House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfield’s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

281-
Too many people spend too much money they haven't earned, to by things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

282-
A good job well done is like wetting yourself in a dark suit, no one notices but you do get a nice warm feeling.

283-
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There's only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
The last man wins . only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called
"Mother."

284-
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job

285-
Some of your old favourites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

286-
Edward Bulwar Lytton prize 
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. 
Some recent winners: 

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it." 

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens." 

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep.'" 

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store." 

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." 

AND THE BEST OF ALL: 

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 
"You lied!" 

287-
How is it that on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best, everyone wants to be #1?

288-
Ponder this...
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, which really is the dumber sex?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to? 

289-
Four worms were placed in separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm, in alcohol - was dead. Second worm - in cigarette smoke - was also dead. Third worm, in sperm - dead too. The fourth worm, in soil - was still alive. 
The Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms! 

290-
Lord Of the Rings in a Nutshell
Gandalf: That ring is bad news, Frodo, it must be destroyed.
Frodo: How so ?
Gandalf: It must be placed in the fires of Mount Doom.
Frodo: Oh well, I guess that means a lot of walking, camping and then running away from monsters, lots of death and almost losing all my friends?
Galdalf: Nah, I know some big eagles that can fly us straight to the mountain and we can drop it in the lava. We'll be home by tea.
Frodo: Nice one! I'll make scones.

291-
According to a new study, men who have frequent orgasms, like at least once a day, may be protecting themselves from prostate trouble.
Doctors say this is true whether they use a partner or not.
So, men, your health is in your hands.

292-
A sniglet is a word that should be in the dictionary but isn't. Sniglets are the brainchild of comedian Rich Hall who, with a little help from his friends, wrote a series of books containing sniglets in the mid-eighties. With a little help from Rich Hall and our readers, here are some IT-related sniglets we think should be in the dictionary but aren't: 
Execuglide - to manoeuvre oneself around the room while seated in a wheeled office chair. 
Animousity - vigorously clicking your pointer device because a page is loading too slowly. 
Screen spasm - pages that try to load simultaneously on your computer screen as a direct result of your animousity. 
Prairedogged - the feeling of helplessness that overtakes you when co-workers in neighbouring cubicles constantly pop their heads up to ask you stupid questions. 
Cellphonic appraisal - the activity that occurs when a ringing cell phone causes everyone in the room to check and see if it's theirs. Gadaboutag - the orphan html tag that's messing up your page. 
Dopeler effect- the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 
Dot gone - last year's e-commerce hopeful. 
Tacitician - a conference call participant who performs non-work related tasks without being overheard. 
Fonesia - the affliction that strikes when you dial a phone number and forget whom you were calling just as they answer. 
Egotictic - the amount of time wasted because you stubbornly refuse to look it up in the manual. 
WAPathy - lack of interest in wireless technology. 
Crapplet - a poorly written or totally useless Java applet 
Zen mail - an e-mail message that arrives without text in the message body. 

293-
16 year old Stephen Barton, a pupil at one of England's leading fee paying schools, returned from school for his Christmas holidays in what appeared to be some measure of discomfort. When quizzed by his mother, he said that he had received a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was sure that the passage of time would heal all ills. Unfortunately this proved not to be the case and on his third day home he was unable to walk. His mother insisted he visit the family doctor, a demand to which the incapacitated Stephen succumbed. On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his underwear to reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four times it's natural size and was bruised almost entirely black with a number of small puncture wounds to the right hand side showing clear signs of established infection. 
The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a GP to properly treat such a "sporting" injury, immediately called an ambulance to take his patient to hospital. Stephen was rushed into hospital where he immediately underwent surgery to properly investigate and remedy the injury. 
The infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right testicle removed as the infection appeared to have spread into the gland. To his surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified as "a large number of brown glass splinters" from the boy's scrotum and the highly infected (and now ex)testicle. It was the surgeon's opinion that these had been "introduced" to Stephen's nether regions at the time of the injury. 
Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's mother asked what kind of assault he had been a victim of with the intention of taking serious issue with his not inexpensive school as to how such an accident could occur. In an effort not to make a fuss Stephen admitted to the following episode: At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights out, Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm that he could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized Marmite jar. With drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money from his fellow students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the trick. However, such is the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen was not able to remove them from it after winning his money. Much to the enjoyment of the rest of the party-goers he crept off to the bathroom to try to remove the pot. Having been unable to remove the pot for two days and in extreme discomfort with his testicles swelling, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty CDT room and with a hammer smashed the pot. Yes that's right, he smashed a glass pot from around his testicles with a hammer! Unsurprisingly, this was not a clinical operation and also where the damage was really done. As they say - Marmite, you either love it or you hate it. 

294-
Definitions 
Tit Pants: - A Bra. 
X-Piles: -= Unwanted visitors from Uranus 
Air Buffet: - A lingering gaseous meal, larger than an air biscuit. 
Armbreaker: - Particularly energetic wank. 
Arse Spider: -Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it. 
Audition the finger puppets: - A single-act, one man show not suitable for children. 
Autograph the gusset: - To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your underpants. 
Bacon strips: - External female genitalia. 
Barnes Wallace: - The type of turd that sends a splash of water onto your undercarriage after release from the bomb bay. 
Beaded curtain: - A luxuriant crop of clagnuts. 
Beef box: - A container into which sausages are put. 
Benny Hill: - Rhyming slang, female contraceptive. 
Biffer: - A particularly hairy minge. 
Bilge tanks: - "Double gut" effect caused by too tight a belt. 
The blind dirt snake: - A malodorous, legless lizard inhabiting cak canyon which migrates south every morning. 
Brown Daisy: - Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather than bees. 
Budgies tongue: - Descriptive, the female erective bit!! 
Bum Goblin: - A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece! 
Burma: - Acronym, "Be upstairs ready my angel" See POLO. 
POLO: - Acronym "Panties off, legs open!" 
B.V.H: - Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead. 
Chugnuts: - Extremely large piles. 
Cider Visor: - Beer goggles for the younger drinker. 
Clapping fish: - Female genitalia. 
Cliterature: - One handed reading material. 
Cockoholic: - One who is addicted to cockahol. 
Conkers deep: - To be in a state of deep penetration. 
Cough your filthy yoghurt: - Romantic expression for ejaculation. 
Crunchie: -A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop. 
Dingleberry roast: - Lighted farts. 
Disco fanny: - The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers. 
Ditch Pig: - Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl. 
Dizzy Gillespie: - A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's. 
Double basing: - To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly different. 
Drop fudge: - Pinch a loaf, crimp one off, have a shit! 
Drown some kittens: - To drown a litter of small stools. 
Eating sushi off a barber shop floor: - Cunnulingus. 
Face fannies: - Sideburns. 
Feeding the pony: - One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon. 
Fertle, ferkyfoodle: - To feed a lady's pony through her dung hampers. 
Five pinter: - A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints. 
Fizzy gravy: - Rusty water, diahorrea. 
FLAME: - Abbr, Fanny like a mouses ear 
Flat as a kippers dick: - Descriptive of unleavened baps. 
Free the tadpoles: - To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks. 
Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit: - The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed. 
Fud Slush: - Scottish fanny batter usually smeared on the face when eating a haddock pastie. 
Funbagtastic: - Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts. 
Fuse-wire: - A ginger persons gorilla salad. 
Geetle: - The little pointed bit that hangs outside your rusty sheriffs badge after you've had a Gladys. 
Gladys: - Rhyming slang, To defecate, from Gladys Knight. 
Granny's oysters: - Elderly female genitalia. 
Greyhound: - Very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. 
Hairy Scallops: - Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season. 
Hand-to-gland combat: - Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a Spam javelin. 
Hefty-clefty: - Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina. 
Kojaks moneybox: - The German helmet. 
Lord of the pies: - Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker. 
Mexican lipstick: - Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out. 
Men in the rigging: - Small tagnuts found in the hairs of sailors arses. 
Ming the merciless: - Death by chocolate starfish. 
Monkey bath: - A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!. 
Mumrar: - The act of creeping up on your mother and shouting Rar! 
NORWICH: - Acronym, Knickers off ready when I come home 
Opera house: - A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains. 
Pie-Liner: - A Femidom. 
PIK: - Acronym, Pig In Knickers. 
Pumpers Lump: - The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking. 
Quim Chin, Muff mouth: - A bearded fellow. 
Release the chocolate hostage: - To liberate Richard the third. 
Ripped out fireplace: - A much swept out skin chimney. 
Roy Castle's last blow: - A pathetic whimpering fart. 
Rubik's: - Rhyming slang, gorilla salad. 
Splinge: - A particularly lubricated Kipper Mitten. 
Starfish Trooper: - An Arsestronaut.. 
Testiculate:- Waving your arms in the air and talking complete bollocks.
Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat: - See Budgie's Tongue. 
Two Bagger: - Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours in case theirs falls off. 
Up on the blocks: - Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet. 
UTBNB: - Advisory abbr, Up the bum, No babies! 
Walnut Whip: -A minor operation that removes the cream but leaves the nuts intact. 
Wet as an otters pocket: - Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten. 
Wuffle nuts: - The fruits of the dingleberry tree. 

295-
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

296-
Never wrestle with a pig. You just get all dirty and the pig loves it.

297-
Blues Names
Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname. 

First List: 
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye 

Second List: 
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke 

Third List: 
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison 

298-
FABLE - OLD VERSION: 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. 
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. 
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! 

MODERN VERSION: 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. 
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. 
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. 
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? 
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." 
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." 
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. 
Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." 
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. 
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. 
The ant loses the case. 
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. 
The ant has disappeared in the snow. 
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

299-
"It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."

300-
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem.
It is generally employed only by small children and large nations. 

301-
Who can forget the immortal words of Socrates when he said: 
I drank what? 

302-
We don't practice what we preach, because we're not the kind of people we're preaching to!

303-
Give a man a fish and he will feed his family for a day 
Teach a man to fish and you will always find him in the boat half pissed

304-
Ever wondered why...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? 
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? 
You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes? 
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? 
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

305-
More 2 Cows
Anarchism:
You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbour's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
Aristocracy:
You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.
Army -- United States:
You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.
Artist -- Visual:
You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London. 
Baathism:
You have two cows. They compete in blaming everything on the Jews until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.
Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You don't bother to check if they have BSE, lest you find out, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
Bureaucracy -- British:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear", and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
Bureaucracy -- European Union:
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).
Bureaucracy -- Indian:
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.
Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.
Canadaism:
You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism - Brazilian:
You have two cows. You milk them, and try to sell the milk to the Americans. You can't, and blame the protectionist policies of the US, Canada and Europe. The government then creates the Cow Tax. You have to sell one of your cows to pay for it.
Capitalism - Canadian:
You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, and throws away the milk. You shoot yourself.
Capitalism - Hong Kong:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
Capitalism - Enron:
You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using Letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).
Capitalism -- New Economy:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed, to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the 10c per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to 10c a few months later when the investors who bought it realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens.
Capitalism -- United States:
You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. You go into real estate.
Capitalism -- Pessimist's view:
You mass produce genetically modified cows, establish a local monopoly, and sell low-quality, possibly adulterated milk at inflated prices, all the while doing horrendous damage to the environment. Your bank account grows fatter and fatter. When people complain, you hire a team of lawyers.
Cartesian Dualism:
You have two cows. Therefore you are.
Catholicism:
You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.
Centralism:
You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Communism--Reality:
You have two cows. Technically, everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.
Communism -- African:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.
Communism -- Cambodian:
You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.
Communism -- Chinese Cultural Revolution:
You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs", and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbours starve.
Communism -- Chinese #1:
You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonalds.
Communism -- Chinese #2:
You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).
Communism -- Cuban #1:
Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen milk since 1975.
Communism: -- Cuban #2:
You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.
Communism -- Cuban #3:
You used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.
Communism -- North Korean:
You have two cows. The government takes you and the cows hostage, guzzles both of them and nearly starves you, and then offers the world not to nuke it if the international community provides aid.
Communism -- Soviet:
You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a small amount of milk ... once.
Communism -- Soviet #2:
You have two cows. Both cows are seized, and then another revolution occurs. Just when everyone else is getting settled down, another revolution occurs. Oh, and your cows are still missing.
Communism -- Stalinist:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.
Competition:
You have two cows. You sell their milk for two dollars a bottle. Farmer Joe sells his for one fifty a bottle. The government outsources milk production and Moomoomilk. Inc. merges with Farmer Joe, selling milk for fifty cents a bottle. Eventually, you grow bankrupt and sell the cows, while Moomoomilk. Inc. has its board of directors convicted of fraud. The company disbands, and now nobody has milk.
Computers:
You have two cows. One becomes a computer programmer and earns lots of money, until he turns 21, when he is laid off and dies without producing any milk. His savings pay for his college debts. Your other cow wastes your lifeblood by playing Everquest and later dies off after playing 24 hours in a row.
Confucianism:
You have two cows. They have children. Honoring their children promotes you to a second degree governor. After you slaughter the original cows, you die, go to the Halls of the Dead, and are subjugated to the 99 and odd Tortures of Death.
Conservativism:
You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them..
Corporation, American:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
Corporation, Brazilian:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
Corporation, French:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Corporation, German:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Corporation, Indian:
You have two cows. You worship them.
Corporation, Italian:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
Corporation, Japanese:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. Then you produce the game cowkémon and become a billionaire.
Corporation, Mexican:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
Corporation, Russian:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really had.
Corporation, Swiss:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
Counterculture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
Dada:
You have two cows. Elephant.
Deconstructionism
You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?
Democracy #1:
You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.
Democracy #2:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Democracy -- British:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Democracy -- Canadian:
The government gives two cows to natives with treaty status.
Democracy -- Floridian:
You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't even figure out how to vote in the first place. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide which one is your favorite.
Democracy -- Republic:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Democracy -- Singaporean:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Democracy -- South African
You have two cows. One is hijacked and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.
Democracy -- Taiwanese
You have two cows. The government takes one away from you, paints a red star on it, and then cuts it to pieces with automatic rifle fire. Then, the soldiers salute "Long Live Chaing Kai-Shek!" before they leave.
Democracy -- United States #1:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
Democracy -- United States #2:
You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month (just enough so you don't starve)
Democracy -- United States #3:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Democracy -- United States #4:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports.
Democracy -- Wikipedia:
Your name might be on the two cows, but you certainly don't have t