Deep Thoughts
1-
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
2-
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
3-
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
4-
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
5-
Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?
6-
Reasons not to exercise
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
7-
A woman told her husband that her credit card had been stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than
she did.
8-
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER - LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW
9-
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to fuck off.
10-
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one asshole. Feel better?
11-
We're all familiar with The Darwin Awards. Next come the Stella Awards, named after Stella Leibeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. She was driving at the time. Celebrate, if you will, America's most frivolous lawsuits:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle falling over a child who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were surprised by the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little bastard was Mrs Robertson's son.
2. 19 year old Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand in a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman hadn't noticed that there was anyone at the wheel of the vehicle before trying to steal the hub-caps.
3. Terrence Dickinson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he has just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was unable to open the garage door from inside, and the door back into the house had locked shut behind him. The house owners were on vacation. Mr Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for eight days with just two bottle of Pepsi and a bag of dog biscuits to live on. He sued the homeowner, and received half a million dollars for undue mental anguish.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by a beagle. The beagle was chained up in it's owners yard. The award was a little less than first thought, given that the jury agreed that Mr Williams had provoked the dog by shooting it repeatedly with an air gun.
5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster $113,000 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was only on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6.Kara Walton of Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club after she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak out and avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12, 000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is: Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. Upon leaving the dealership, he pulled onto the freeway, set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly made his way into the back to make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 and a new Winnie. Winnebago actually changed their handbooks in case another complete moron decided to buy one of their vehicles.
12-
Real Quotes
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
13-
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
14-
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
**************
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
*************
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
**************
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
***************
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
**************
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
*****************
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
***************
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
***************
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
**************
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
15-
The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
16-
Some Fun Sex Theories
1. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
2. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
3. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
4. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
5. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
6. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
7. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
8.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
9. Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.
10.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
11. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
12. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
13. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
15. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
16. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
17. Never say no.
18. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
19. Love comes in spurts.
20. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
21. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
22 Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
23. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
24.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
25. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
26. Virginity can be cured.
27. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
17-
Deep Thoughts
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
18-
More Real Quotes
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience...........but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s the best”
Anon
19-
ADVICE FOR DAILY LIVING
If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Don’t bother voting. If it could change things, do you really think it would be legal?
If the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.
It’s bad luck to walk under a bladder.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a twat.
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
20-
SUCCESS THROUGH THE AGES
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 17, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 90, success is... not peeing in your pants.
21-
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
22-
More Real Quotes
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
Franck Dubosc
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Gary Valentine
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
Jeff Green
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni
"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Emo Philips
23-
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
24-
TOP TIPS
The new "Cindy Crawford Workout Video" is bloody marvellous. I've only had it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. From Mr KVL 74IY
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Lorry drivers. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes.
If you cannot afford that driving holiday in France this year - simply drive round Oxfordshire, for 2 weeks, on the wrong side of the road.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
Men! To convince neighbours that you have a large penis, simply drive a car in and out of your road, very fast, whilst children play there.
For many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner, saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
I jog to work behind the bus every day, saving a whopping 96p! However, to save even more money, you could jog behind a taxi saving a massive *5.60 excluding tip!!!!
Students: Emphasize your individuality by all wearing the same clothes, having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised beer that tax payers provide.
Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive Brillo pad.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
25-
How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?
26-
Squawks
The way all problem reports should be handled...
"Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words .
(P) Suspected crack in windscreen
(S) Suspect you're right
(P) Mouse in cockpit
(S) Cat installed
26-
True Story - Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque to ASFP.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque, using the full company name. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name? The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company
27-
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
28-
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
29-
Here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts:
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water...
There now.....
feeling better?
30-
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
31-
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
32-
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
33-
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
34-
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
35-
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
36-
Why does the word "monosyllabic" have 5 syllables?
37-
URGENT - DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
At 00:54 on Monday 23 September, 2002 an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter
scale hit Dudley, UK causing untold disruption and distress -
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookin ell"
and "worra cunt". The earthquake decimated the area causing
approximately £30.00 worth of damage.Several priceless collections of mementos
from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Many historic
Ford Sierras and Nissan Bluebirds were blown off their brick plinths. A large
number of 3 series BMW's had their alloy wheels damaged and a quantity of
Renault Clio's had there tinted windows blown out.
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting has happened in Dudley.
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It
was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking
when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Another resident, Community worker Royston Akimose, 38,
said: "I was 'avin' a meetin' wiv a business associate, the sky went dark,
an, de next fing I know, me ganja is blown all over 'is Impreza!"
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to
the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after,
items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops
(his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any
other items usually sold in Poundstretcher.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and
cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious
compensation claim.
PLEASE ACT NOW, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of
9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
those affected.
£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an
unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on
the population of neighbouring areas.
Simply e-mail us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!
If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your
local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards
38-
Newspaper quotes from the BBC Radio 4's "News Quiz":
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
39-
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
40-
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
41-
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
42-
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)
43-
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
44-
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for
various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
Abdicate
- v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together
just before vespers.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by
the mayor.
45-
Kids Books You'll Never See
"You Were an Accident"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"Bi-Curious George"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Why Mommy Has So Many Boyfriends"
"The Tickling Babysitter"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
"Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share"
"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"
"Grandpa Gets a Casket"
"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"
"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"
"You Were an Accident"
"The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan"
"Your Nightmares Are Real"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"
"Old Shep the Sheepdog is Put to Sleep"
"Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose"
"A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides"
"Charles Manson Bedtime Stories"
"Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle"
"Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Why Your Mom's "Flashlight" Vibrates"
"The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology"
"Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor"
"Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation"
"What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?"
"The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card"
"The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear"
"How to Write With Your Wee-Wee"
"What's That Bag For, Grandpa?"
"Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism"
"Horton Hires A Ho"
"Where the Curly Red Fur Grows"
46-
Expressions For High Stress Days
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fucking people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
77. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
78. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
79. How about never? Is never good for you?
80. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
81. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
82. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
83. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
84. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
85. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
86. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
87. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
88. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
89. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
90. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
91. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
92. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
93. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
94. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
95. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
96. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
97. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
98. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
99. No, my powers can only be used for good.
100. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
101. Who me? I just wander from room to room
47-
Who was the first person to say
"See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its arse".
48-
Just in case we need any additional proof that the "bozo index" is at all time highs (and going higher), consider these real label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
49-
Classic Put Downs
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
50-
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
51-
Adages for the New Millennium
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Money talks - but all mine ever says is goodbye.
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your Visa.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, and not enough chlorine either.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
52-
Dilbert's Rules of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced!!!!
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable-if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (...AND WALK FAST!)
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
53-
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then quickly shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.
I'm not a morning person.
54-
Your Health Questions Answered...
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the
water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer
is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food
and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - 'WOO HOO! What a
Ride!'"
55-
More Real Quotes
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
Marilyn Pittman
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown
56-
Handy Hints
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
57-
Dictionary of New Slang.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS:
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"
BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A
young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".
MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc.i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PEARL HARBOUR: Cold
(weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die
SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks
TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
58-
Thought for the day.
"If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed, always remember that part of you was once the fastest and most victorious sperm."
59-
How To Write Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
60-
The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a totally serious bummer.
Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
61-
Tech Support: "Sir, right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. What you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "You told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
62-
Brain Teaser
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order three large Pizzas and six cans of beer.
The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly £30.00.
Each guy gives him a £10.00 note, and he leaves.
When he hands the £30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.
The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five £1.00 coins and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.
On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought.
These guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two quid for himself and give them back three quid.
OK! So far so good!
He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three quid, and then departs with his two-quid tip in his pocket. Now the fun begins!
Remember £30 - £25 = £5 - - - - - Right? and £5 - £3 = £2 - - - - - Right?
So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite.
Answer this ...... Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each.
They each got back £1.00 in change. That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00. The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip.
£27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00. Where in the world is the other pound?????
63-
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain ...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...
But fart just one time...
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:
(_!_) = a regular ass
(__!__) = a fat ass
(!) = a tight ass
(_*_) = a sore ass
(_x_) = kiss my ass
(_X_) = leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) = a tired ass
(_o^^o_) = a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) = a smart ass
(_$_) = Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) = Dumb Ass
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The Civil Aviation Authority has posted new flying guidelines on airline notice boards.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is.
4. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one ever collided with sky.
5. A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
6. You know you've landed with wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
7. Stay out of clouds. Mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
8. Always try to keep the number of landings equal to the number of take offs.
9. In the continuing battle between aluminum things going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
10. It's a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
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Latest football scores from Spain....
Real Madrid, one, Surreal Madrid, fish.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends...
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm.
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EZ 2 DO - TAX FORM
NEW SIMPLIFIED FORM FOR YEAR 2003
1. HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU MAKE?
2. SEND IT TO US.
Inland Revenue, Central Office, London
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"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask,
'Specify type of goat.'"
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HOW TO SING THE BLUES
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get train.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. The Mall
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your damned life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!!!!!
"if it wasn't for real bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all........"
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Ten of the Most Idiotic Quotes Ever!
1) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
* Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
* Mariah Carey
3) "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but
can't remember what they are."
* Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
4) "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
* Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
5) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
6) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
* Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
7) "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
* Former French President Charles De Gaulle
8) "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
* Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
9) "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
* John Wayne
10) "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
* Lee Iacocca
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Moral Maze
Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
If you said yes to the abortion question...
...you just killed Beethoven.
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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
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"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."
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Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask.
A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that, while visiting the cockpit aboard a PanAm 747 being piloted by a boyhood chum, I listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing....
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground: (with typical Germanic impatience) ... "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (coolly) ... "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
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ROTHERHAM, England, April 7 (Agence France Presse) A gang of thieves who were ordered to plant daffodil bulbs as part of their community service have seen their revenge flourish this spring.
The group were told to plant hundreds of bulbs along one of the main roads in Rotherham, in northern England, last autumn but, when the bulbs sprouted this week, the blooms spelled out the words "Bollocks" and "Shag" in letters four feet (1.3 meters) wide.
Residents living on East Bawtry Road, which carries thousands of visitors a day, said people were coming from miles around to take a look at the flowers.
One, Alan McCue, 48, said: "I can see the funny side but it doesn't really create a good impression of the town. They planted hundreds of bulbs so we're all a bit worried about what might come up next."
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An outback Aborigine, quoted by a Melbourne radio station, described the solar eclipse over Australia as:-
Kerosene lamp b’long Jesus gone bugger up.
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I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
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More of the Most Idiotic Quotes Ever!
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Former U.S. Vice
President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
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People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: "We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
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Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
86-
From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car into a shopping centre only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband standing idly by.
The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his head
87-
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
88-
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
89-
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
90-
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.
91-
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
92-
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
93-
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
94-
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
95-
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
96-
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
97-
Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.
98-
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
99-
Life...
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.
After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and
weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is
not a chat room on the Internet."
100-
Dictionary of New Slang.-Part 2
One in the departure lounge - to need to defecate imminently.
Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
Aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way up to the 'cockpit'.
Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.
BVH:Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of Britney's will ya Doreen".
Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.
Bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of her mate, could be a bunny boiler".
Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick
Council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter'. e.g. "Does she take it up the council?".
Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm just nipping out for a Donald".
Drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze !
Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel 4's Eleven O'Clock Show
Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles). e.g."He needs a good kick in the Jackson's".
Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear which show their level of training.
McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).
Porridge wog - a rather un-PC term for a Scottish person.
Ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she looks quite fit but I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"
Release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. Have heard this one from a few people. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
Skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.
Spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter' (anus). Similar to "Gary Glitter".
Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
Starfish Trooper: or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.
Swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp donkeys sitting in the corner !".
Tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank by young women.
Tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.
Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
Wigger - a white man who is trying to act like a black man. Especially applied to a white rapper, i.e. Vanilla Ice.
X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
101-
Suicide Attempt
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
102-
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"
103-
Uses of the word Fuck
If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this and then say it annoys you.
FUCK is an international word. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck OFF".
It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you never read "Fuck off he hinted".
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (Jane was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Jane doesn't give a fuck). Or an adverb (Jane is fucking interested in John) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful). As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings “How the fuck are you?”
Fraud "I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble "Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression "Fuck you!!!"
Disgust "Fuck me!!!"
Confusion "What the fuck....?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair "Fucked again."
Incompetence "He fucks up everything."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on."
Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief "Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!!!"
Pain "Fuck! That hurt."
Pleasure "Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love "Do ya Fuck on first dates ?"
Starting a relationship "Let's fuck now!”
Surprise "Fucking hell, what was that?"
Hate "You Fuck"
Disappointment "That’s not Fucking fair"
A poker hand "A royal fuck"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it"
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it"
Apathy "Who gives a fuck?"
Resignation "Oh fuck it"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you"
Panic "Lets get the fuck out of here"
Directions "Fuck off"
Maternal "Motherfucker"
Incestuous "Motherfucker"
Ambiguity "I'm not so fucking sure" And, never forget the words of these famous people:
General Custer Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"
Mayor of Hiroshima What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic Where's all the fucking water coming from?
Michelangelo You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?
Einstein Any fucker could understand that
Sean Penn Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
John Lennon Is that a real fucking gun
Donald Campbell The fucking throttle is stuck
Anne Boleyn Heads are going to fucking roll
Richard Nixon Who's going to fucking know?
Niki Lauda I thought I could fucking smell petrol
Mark Thatcher What fucking map?
Picasso It does so fucking look like her
Christopher Columbus Where the fuck are we?
Michael Jackson It's a fucking skin condition
Pythagarus How the fuck did you work that one out?
Walt Disney Fuck a duck
Joan of Arc I don't suppose it will fucking rain
Miss Marples I haven't got a fucking clue
Noah Scattered showers, my fucking arse
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK". Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature. Why not say "FUCK YOU !" to someone today!
A friend of mine assures me that he overheard this sentence uttered by an Irishman trying to get some fags out of a machine in a pub....
"The fucking fucker's fucking fucked."
Such economy of language and admirable use of the word as adjective, noun, adverb and verb.
104-
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be fucking kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
105-
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had