Bars & Drinking
1-
A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent. Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.
"Oh, sherry by all means!" she replied. "Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I'm carried into another world."
"Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."
2-
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, cricket and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Bollington these days?"
3-
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
4-
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible
odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
5-
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a
marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
6-
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, I'm over here, on your swing."
7-
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted. "What's your name?" he asked her. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?" "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen." "Why did you do that?" he asked. "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?" "Beerpussy," the man replied.
8-
A man is running short of cash in the bar, so he bets the barmaid ten bucks that he can bite his right eye. She thinks about it for a minute and figures it's a safe bet, so she says "you're on". The guy pulls out his glass eye-ball and bites it. The joke was on her and she laughs as she hands over the ten bucks. A little while later he offers her a chance to get her money back. He bets her ten bucks that he can bite his left eye. She thinks about it and knowing that he can see, thinks it's a safe bet. Once again she says "you're on". The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Laughingly she pays again. Later on he gives her a chance to get her money back. He bets her twenty bucks, double or nothing, that he can screw her without her feeling a thing. This is one she's sure she can win, so she takes the bet. After she gets off work the two of them go out the back of the bar and the guy spread-eagles her over the front of a car and gives her a hell of
pummelling. She cries out ooh I can feel it, I can feel it, I win the bet. The guy says oh well, "you win some, you lose some".
9-
Things that are difficult to say when you're sober...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
10-
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment the woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it. The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast......"
11-
This beautiful blonde girl walks into a pub. She asked the bar tender for a triple Jack Daniel’s, she drinks it back in one shot and orders another. After five more of the same she falls on the floor blind drunk. All the men in the pub take advantage of this, they all screw her.
The next night, she comes back to the same pub. She asked the bar tender for a triple Jack Daniel’s, She drinks it back in one shot and orders another. After five more of the same she falls on the floor blind drunk. All the men in the pub take advantage of this, they all screw her.
The third night, she comes back to the same pub. She asked the bar tender for a triple Jack Daniel’s, She drinks it back in one shot and orders another. After five more of the same she falls on the floor blind drunk. All the men in the pub take advantage of this, They all screw her.
On the fourth night, she comes back to the same pub. She asked the bar tender for a Martini. The Bar Tender said “ I thought you drunk Jack Daniel’s ?” Not any more, It Makes My pussy Sore!
12-
A guy is having a quiet drink
in a pub and decides to nibble a few bar
Then he goes over to the cigarette machine. As he puts the money in,
Confused, the guy goes up to the barman and tells him what's happened.
”Sorry about that sir,” says the barman, “The reason is the peanuts are
13-
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'
14-
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." ONE CENT that is way too cheap!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?".. The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
15-
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants..... 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says..... 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'..... The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants..... 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says..... 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms..... Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'..... 'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'.... The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks.... 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says..... 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband..... 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.... 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat..... 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.... The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on..... 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
16-
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
17-
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
18-
There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts 'I've shagged your mum!' The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the middle guy again 'Your mum's sucked my cock!'. And then goes back to his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he's back again and announces 'Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!'. Finally the guy in the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, now bugger off home'.
19-
Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.
After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor.
This was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some, but... He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without his wife’s awakening. The next morning his wife asks him furiously.
“Were you drunk again last night”?
Danny boy is surprised and asks her how she knew.
“They just called from the bar, you left without your wheelchair.”
20-
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Looking at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
21-
TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN!
CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your knickers up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight with "some bitch".
4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the goddess you were just
four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor of Burger King and pick it up & carry on eating.
6. You start crying and
telling everyone you see that you love them soooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
10. You've forgotten where you live.
11. You've started to sound like Bonnie Tyler from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned 10 TIMES by now !) you only smoke when you drink.
12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
14. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
17. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!)
18. You show your friends that girls can wee standing up if they really want
19. You believe that dancing with
your arms over your head and wiggling your butt
20. You begin leaving the buttons open on your
button-fly pants to cut down on
21. You take your shoes off because you believe it's
their fault that you’re having
22-
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks the blonde, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young girl looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
23-
The case for drinking
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer Helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, We must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.
24-
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."
25-
A man enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.
The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.
The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.
The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks,
"What do you have?"
"One Pound Fifty ," the man answers.
26-
Fellow walks into a Texas hotel dining room and orders a small glass beer. When the waiter comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.
The waiter says, "That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big."
Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The guy says that he only ordered a small steak.
The waitress says, "Son, everything is big in Texas.
After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into the hotel swimming pool and sinks to the bottom.
As he surfaces, he lets out a terrified scream, “For God’s sake don’t flush”
27-
A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam."
28-
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.
He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
29-
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one," This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one, "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked out and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
30-
One night in the pub, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans and groans to some of the regulars at the bar, a stranger dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says: "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just then. I'm a doctor at the mental hospital up the road, and as part of our Outreach programme I'm trying to integrate some of our more sane individuals back into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday? You'll have some customers, and my patients will have a good night out, it's a win-win situation. What do ye think?"
Well, the publican isn't sure but, being a licensed vintner and all that, the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night has a certain appeal, so he agrees.
The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten of his mental patients. He explains to the publican: "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, so could you ever just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up the account at the end of the night."
The barmen have a great time selling a clatter of pints and encouraging the mental patients to eat crisps and peanuts. The new customers appear to be having a great time, having a sing-song, getting merrily drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana skins, used teabags and plastic shopping bags.
At closing time the head barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over three hundred quid! The bloke with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organise the mental patients and get them ready to get on the bus and drive back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people, gives him a discount.
"Let's call it £250 ," he says.
The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says: "That's fine. Have ye change for a wheelie bin?"
31-
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.
32-
An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
33-
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fair's rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live tortoise. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another tortoise. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
34-
This bloke walks into a pub, and there's a horse behind the bar serving the drinks. The lad is staring at the horse, when the horse says: "Hey mister - what are ye staring at? Haven't ye ever seen a horse serving pints before?"
The bloke says, "No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
35-
One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."
36-
Why Beer is Better than Women
You can enjoy a beer all month.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
When beer goes flat you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
Hangovers eventually go away.
You can have a beer in public.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
Beer never has a headache.
After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
A beer always goes down gently.
A beer is always wet.
You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
Beer always comes in multiples of six.
Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
You never find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
Beer doesn't get cramps.
Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
Beer always listens and never argues.
Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
Beer doesn't have cold hands and feet.
A bottle of beer never gets any heavier.
If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
Beer doesn't need much closet space.
Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
Beer never changes its mind.
Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
Big, fat beers are nice to have.
Beer NEVER says no.
Beer is easy to get into.
Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
Beer doesn't wear a bra.
Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
Beer doesn't mind football season.
A beer doesn't care if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
A beer will not call you a sexist pig.
A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are stupid.
A beer won't raise a fuss about leaving the toilet seat up.
A beer will never stop you from reading Playboy.
A beer is always ready to leave on time.
A beer never fishes for compliments.
A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
37-
Paddy, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all his mates that he was swearing off drinking and that they should give up this foul habit also. His friends would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his best friend told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whisky?"
38-
A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."
39-
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop!
A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop!
Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop!
Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ...then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
40-
Alcohol Warning Labels:
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your fucking head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Xmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants, or (panties) anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cannot remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on one's forehead (or knees)
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really BIG biker guy named "Big Al."
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting all over them.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you, not AT you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
41-
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.
The man answered,
"Because he's my newt."
42-
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon, and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
43-
A group of fonts walk into a bar.
"Get out of my pub!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type in here."
44-
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realised he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."
45-
William Shakespeare goes in to a pub and the landlord shouts "GET OUT, Your Bard!"
46-
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 litre spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs incontinence pants 1 bottle Pepto Bismil 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something. If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: Popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "We're not serving you". By now, you should switch from coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football; you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.
47-
The beer company held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing. They advertised over all the airwaves and in all the newspapers. They received thousands of submissions.
The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries. Finally they settled on one particular entry - "Love On A Lake". The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval.
The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."
The judges located the contestant. When they asked him for an explanation, he responded, "Well, love on a lake is fucking near water and that's what this beer tastes like!!"
48-
Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan
49-
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
50-
I walked into a bar the other day and asked for a glass of orange, the barman said "Still?", I said "Yes, I haven't changed my mind."
51-
I walked into a bar the other day, they had a chicken for a waiter, I thought he looked strange because he was laying tables.
52-
I walked into a really rough pub the other day, the bouncer on the door asked me if I had any weapons, when I said no he gave me a knife and told me to be
careful.
53-
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes
a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says,"You know Superman, you can be a real arsehole when you're drunk".
54-
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there
must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?".
The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. The bartender
says, "OK, here's what you have to do....
"First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.
"Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
"Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!"
"Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar.
Well, time goes on and the man has several drinks, then asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Then he says, "Right, the dog's next?" He staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
55-
Myra Hindley, Ronnie Kray, and, Fred West are in Hell, each waiting for their turn to be cast into the eternal flames.
As a favour, Satan tells them that they can each have one last cold beer before being thrown into the fires.
Myra Hindley says, "I'd like a Budweiser, please".
She is given the beer and drinks it before falling into the raging inferno.
Ronnie Kray says, "I'd like some Fosters, please".
He drinks his can of Fosters and then disappears into the furnace.
"What about you, Fred ?", asks the Devil.
"I could murder some Tennant's", says Fred.
56-
The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife no where near the water!"
57-
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"
58-
A drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.
The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.
The drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
59-
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
60-
An old tramp walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The tramp drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"
61-
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, 'Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.'
The bartender said, 'That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.'
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. 'Where did you get all that money?' asked the bartender.
'I'm a professional gambler,' replied the man.
The bartender said, 'There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?'
'Well, I only bet on sure things,' said the guy.
'Like what?' asked the bartender.
'Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,' he said.
The bartender thought about it. 'Okay,' he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. 'Aw, you screwed me,' said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
'I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,' said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, 'Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.' So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
'Aw, you screwed me again!' protested the bartender.
'That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,' said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, 'Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.'
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. 'Okay, you're on,' he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, 'Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!'
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, 'That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!'
62-
Express Lane: Five beers or less
(Sign over one of the urinals in a pub)
63-
Two drunks are travelling on a train. As the train approaches a station one says,
"Is this Wembley?"
"No" says his pal, "it's Thursday."
"So am I, let's have another drink!"
64-
A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although
it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window. "Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.
"Might I please have a word with George?"
65-
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
66-
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
67-
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
68-
A guy walks into a bar and says to the woman bartender,
"Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"
"Fine", she says, "and how's your dick?"
69-
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a Kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bar tender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
70-
"My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary drinker to the bartender.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"
71-
Two oranges walk into a pub and one says to the other: "You're round"
72-
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
73-
A piece of string walks into the pub.
The barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve string."
String goes outside, ties itself up a bit, pulls it's ends apart, goes back in the pub.
Barman says, "Aren't you that piece of string I just refused to serve?"
String says, "No mate, I'm a frayed knot".
74-
A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Oops, it must have been an inside job."
75-
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
76-
The six fraternity men came weaving out of a popular off campus bar and started to crowd themselves into the Jeep for the ride back to the frat house.
One of them, obviously, the house president, took charge of the situation.
"Henry," he said, "you drive. You're too drunk to sing."
77-
Two guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each one orders two whiskies and immediately downs them. They then order two more
whiskies and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two
whiskies apiece.
One of them picks up one of his drinks and turning to the other man says, "Cheers!"
The other man turns to the first man and asks, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit or did you come here to drink?"
78-
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
79-
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!".
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.'
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each , please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, ......."That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are vacationing Scotsmen. They're waiting for happy hour."
80-
A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
81-
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
82-
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
One of the drunks said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
83-
Two old drunks were really lapping them up at a bar one night.
The first old drunk said, "Ya know, when I was thirty years old and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was
forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard."
The first drunk continued, "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
84-
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
85-
This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
The barman looks at him and says, "'Hey ye wouldn't believe this - we've got a whisky named after you."
The white horse looks confused and says, "What - Dobbin?"
86-
A plate of fried eggs, sausages, rashers, black and white pudding, potato bread, tomato, tea/coffee and toast walks into a pub.
The barman says: "Sorry pal, we don't serve breakfast."
87-
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal! from now on. While
I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any
day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you from your biggest fan.
88-
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said: "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said: "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all'.
Murphy replied: "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of
Jamesons Whiskey.
Shamus said: "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile: "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said: "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
89-
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food joints fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still can't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But, why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
90-
On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night - it was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.
When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "What'll you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking."
When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time.
When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit."
The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn't want the first drink!"
91-
A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter, halfway through the pint he goes for a piss.
Whilst he is away a large black lady takes his pint drops her knickers squats over it farts and then returns it to the table.
When the man returns the barman tells him what has happened.
The man confronts the woman 'Oi you fart in my Whitbread ?'
'No' she replies 'I'm Tessa Sanderson'
92-
A Tribute to Beer…
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
93-
It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"...
94-
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "Scuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was all that about?" "Nothin," said the Irishman: "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
95-
Important Warning for Men
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses
96-
Why do seals only drink Schweppes?
Cos Canadian Club goes straight to their head!
97-
HANGOVERS
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now...
98-
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Ouch! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"
99-
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
100-
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
101-
A man walks into a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the counter, seats himself on a stool and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he will not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses and leaves via the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries: "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
102-
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, by which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, his backside was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his rear was hurting and he was hiding under the covers trying to think up a good story when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said: "where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said: "and stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she said: "you must have got really plastered last night." "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she said: "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
103-
A man walks into a bar with a large paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender greets him and asks: 'what's in the bag?' The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about a foot high, then sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, placing it on the counter too. He reaches into the bag yet again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by
Mozart. "Where on earth did you get him?" Says the bartender. The man responded by reaching into the paper bag yet again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here, rub it." So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there's a great gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Anything you like ... but each person is only allowed one!" The bartender got really excited. Without hesitation he said: "I want a million bucks!" Moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming. The bartender turned to the man and said: "Y'know, I think your genie's a bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "I know, I know, you don't have to tell me," said the man: "do you really think I asked her for a 12 inch pianist?"
104-
This
is what you get when you mix beer with viagra!
105-
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head."
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."
"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
106-
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Miller and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
108-
A chap walks into a pub and orders himself a beer.
He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next stall, and asks him if he wants a beer.
"No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
109-
A recent report said that “Too many people use alcohol as a crutch”
So why do I keep falling over when I'm drunk?
110-
Two men at
a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.
"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit her pants."
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After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
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Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender. "While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribblings on the wall, and one that said: 'WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B. J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!'" replied the customer.
"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.
"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"
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A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver:" I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs: " I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison..."
114-
Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told My husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a. m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
116-
Did you hear about the rheumatoid alcoholic?
Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.
117-
A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.
118-
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
119-
A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir?"
The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again."
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one.
The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume?"
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St. Patrick Day Self-Help Guide
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a. m. to 9 a. m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p. m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. *Note that coffee should be drank liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a. m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2: 9 a. m. to 11 a. m. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck.
Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
Leg 3: 11 a. m. to 2 p. m. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food
colouring.
Leg 3: 2 p. m. to 7 p. m. By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long brunches and bail out of church early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance.
Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p. m. to Closing Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
honour is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next week for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.
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A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wise ass. The wise ass walks up
to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?" "Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wise ass.
"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny. The wise ass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!" "Well yes it is, she answers."
The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wise ass if he could try the little joke. "Be my guest," replies Mr Smarty-pants.
So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you... It's raining."
122-
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
123-
Myrddin was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant.
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.
124-
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"