Animals
1-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?". "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
2-
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you," she says to the first dog. "What's your name then?"
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?"
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had a fucking terrible day."
3-
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to
the bartender: "I'll have a Brandy.......
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
............and coke."
The bartender asks:
"What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."
4-
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
5-
A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes a coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth then says: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"
6-
A man with an alsation walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks for a pack of Marlboro. The bartender told the man he was sorry, but they had just run out of cigarettes. "Don't worry 'bout it" reassured the man "I'll just send my dog across the street for some."
Going though his pockets, the man realized he only had a £20 note.
"Pack of Marlboro, pal" he said slipping the money into the dog's mouth "And I want to see plenty of change". The dog trotted off out the door.
"The dog is something else" said an admiring customer "Is he really going to bring you back a pack of cigarettes?"
"You bet. My dog can do anything.." But then his list of his dog's exploits was interrupted by the screech of tires outside the bar.
Turning pale the dogs owner ran outside and to his relief saw his dog had not been hit.
The reason for the car's sudden stop was very clear though. Right in the middle of the road his alsation was humping a poodle.
"What's going on?" asked the man running up to his dog. "You never did anything like this before!!!"
Humping away the dog looked up and said "I've never had twenty quid before"
7-
Two rabbits and a hedgehog are standing by the side of a road one day when the hedgehog says to the rabbits,
"Tell me how do you rabbits manage to cross the road safely when we always seem to get splattered by a car."
"Well that's easy" says one of the rabbits, "All you have to do is first make sure nothing is coming either way then
make your way across, keeping a look out for any cars, if you see a car coming towards you. turn and face it and stare
at the driver, he will see you, then just as the car gets close to you roll yourself up into a ball and the car will
go over you with the wheels either side of you then carry on to the other side of the road."
"Brilliant" says the hedgehog "I'll try that now."
So the hedgehog looks both ways, nothing coming, so off he goes across the road, keeping a look out for any cars.
Just over halfway across he sees a car coming towards him, so he does exactly as the rabbits told him, he turns round
and faces the car, stares at the driver, and just as the car gets close he curls up into a ball.
SPLAT!!!!....
The car squashes the poor little sod in the middle of the road.
On the side of the road the two rabbits have just witnessed what has happened.
One rabbit says to the other, "Shit that was unlucky, that's the first time I have ever seen
a Reliant Robin come down this road."
8-
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks, so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, ao, he buys him.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen in the hen house three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and spots a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham! He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons, He's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day, finds Randy dead as a doornail, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, go away, the buzzards are getting closer!"
9-
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
10-
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
11-
Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am; and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs' legs seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and said softly to herself:
I don't fucking think so.
12-
The only cow in a small Cheshire town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the county line in Staffordshire for £200. They bought the cow from Staffordshire and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Staffordshire?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Staffordshire?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Staffordshire."
13-
The Butcher
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummelling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my arse, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
14-
...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Philip?!"
15-
So there's this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"
16-
A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."
17-
On August 1st, the first day of the French national holidays, a flea was sitting in his deckchair sunning himself in the heat of the Riviera sun on Cannes beach. In the distance he sees a smaller flea approaching and the smaller one is flapping his arms together and blowing on his hands; strange behaviour on such a hot day.
The large flea calls across to junior to join him and explain what his problem is.
"Well I'm absolutely frozen", explains junior, "I travelled down from Paris overnight in the moustache of a motorcyclist and it was so cold"
"My little friend", says the big flea "You should travel in luxury like me. Next year, on the last day of July just hop into one of the best nightclubs in Paris. Then find the prettiest girl in the club and climb your way right up into her pubic hair. You will be warm and comfortable - and the bonus is that you will travel down to the Mediterranean in style, in a first class train carriage or limousine"
Junior thanks the older flea, promises to take his advice and continues shivering along the beach.
A year later on August 1st, the first day of the French national holidays, the old flea was sitting in his deckchair sunning himself in the heat of the Riviera sun on Cannes beach. In the distance he sees his friend from last year approaching and the smaller one is flapping his arms together, shivering and blowing on his hands.
The large flea calls across to junior to join him and explain what has happened.
"Well I took your advice and last night I hopped into one of the best nightclubs in Paris. Then I found the prettiest girl in the club and climbed right up into her pubic hair. It was so warm and comfortable that I quickly fell asleep - only to wake up 4 hours later, freezing to death, in the moustache of a motorcyclist on the motorway"
18-
Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Fuck me!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
19-
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running along beside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour, the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he knew about the chicken. As a matter of fact, the farmer said that his son was a geneticist. And he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken, and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
The salesman said, "That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard. How do they taste?" The farmer said, "I don't know. We can't catch 'em."
20-
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
21-
A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately he sees a farmhouse a little ways up, and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help.
At the house a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard - a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation.
The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?" "Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble."
"Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed, when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives."
"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well," the farmer replied, "a pig as special as that, you wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"
22-
A hunter is walking through the woods when he sees a big bear, he is about 30 feet away and he gets the bear in his sights, he can't miss, the bear hasn't spotted him, he pulls the trigger and there is a massive bang and a great cloud of smoke. When the smoke clears the bear has vanished, the hunter is very puzzled, he then gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and the bear is standing there looking at him and he doesn't look to happy. The bear then grabs the hunter pulls down his trousers and shags him and walks off. The hunter eventually manages to get himself together, pulls his trousers up and is now very annoyed. He gets his gun and off again he goes
looking for the bear, he sees the bear and decides to get closer, he is now only 20 feet away, BANG, his gun goes off, the smoke clears, again the bear has vanished. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, the hunter turns round and there he is again, standing over him, the bear then again removes the hunters trousers and shags him and walks off. The hunter is now furious, he again gets himself together, grabs his gun and goes off to search for the bear. Well this went on several more times, each time the bear would
disappear, the hunter would feel a tap on the shoulder, there would be the bear, the bear would then shag the hunter and walk off. The hunter who by now is just barely capable of walking and extremely annoyed tries once again. He turns round a corner and there he is, face to face with the bear, he can't miss, pulls the trigger, BANG, the smoke clears, again the bear has vanished. He then shudders when he feels another tap on his shoulder, he turns round, looks up at the bear, the bear looks down at him and says,
"You're not really here for the hunting are you!!!!"
23-
This beautiful girl went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As
she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of big green frogs. The sign
says: "Oral Sex" frogs! Only $20 each! -Money back guarantee!! (Comes
with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly glanced around to see if anybody was watching her and then
whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions very
carefully." The girl nodded, grabbed the box and was quickly on her way
home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, the girl took out the
instructions and read them thoroughly, doing exactly what it said to do.
1.. Take a shower, and clean yourself "down there" thoroughly
2.. Splash on some mild, sweet smelling perfume on your body.
3.. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4.. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog "down there".
She quickly showered and jumped into bed. she put the frog between her legs and
trembling with anticipation, she waited. To her surprise, and annoyance, nothing
happened.
The girl was totally frustrated and quite angry at this point. She re-read the
instructions and noticed at the bottom of the paper it said, "If you
experience any problems or have questions, please call the pet store."
So the girl called the pet store. The man said, "I had some complaints
earlier today. I'll be right over". Within five minutes, the man is ringing
her doorbell.
The girl welcomed him in and said, "See, I've done everything according to
the instructions and the damn thing just sits there".
The man looked very concerned. He picked up the frog, stared directly into its
eyes and sternly said: "OK you green idiot. Listen closely to me!
I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!"
24-
Late at night a man hears a tapping at the front door. He opens it but there’s nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep. He boots it across the road.
A year later he hears a tapping at the front door. He opens it but there’s nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep.
The snail looks up and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”
25-
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
26-
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot, an oversexed male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys. The neighbors discover what is going on and inform the parrot's owners. The owners apologize to their neighbors. They then reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn't stop it they're going to shave his head. That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out one more time and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the farmer's daughter's wedding. In order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot does a great job. "Groom's side to the left and bride's side to the right" Finally two bald guys walk in. The parrot takes one look at them and says, "And you two turkey fuckers up on the piano with me."
27-
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
28-
Whenever two drovers get together there is the inevitable argument about who has the best Australian Sheepdog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.
"My dog's so smart," said one, "I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection."
"That's nothing," said his mate. "I only whistle and point and Rover anticipates the whole exercise."
Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the sale yards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the truck which was parked outside the pub.
The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the truck, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.
"Well that's not bad," conceded the second drover. "But watch this."
"Rover, what about some tucker?"
In a cloud of dust Rover streaked down the main street to a farm five Kilometers out of town. Rover raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.
The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master's feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek, set the billy on the fire and dropped the egg into the simmering water.
After exactly three minutes, Rover rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master's feet and stood on his head.
"Well, that beats all," conceded the first drover, "but why is he standing on his head?"
"Well he knows I haven't got an egg cup," said the proud owner.
29-
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship Until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears. "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Duncan. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the
King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor.....and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly
hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"Fuck, I'm pissed."
30-
A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says "What would you like Sir?" The Man Says "I'll have a pint of beer" He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" . "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65. The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. The bar tender says "What would you like Sir?" The Man Says "I'll have a pint of beer" He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" "That will be £12.65" says the bartender So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65. The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be today" says the bartender "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" "That will be £21.95" says the bartender So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the bartender says "I was just wondering why, no matter what
the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket" "That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money". What else did you ask for?" "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
31-
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging his head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked "What are you in here for, buddy?" The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble," he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep." "I know how you feel," said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day, they were late getting home and I just couldn't help myself....I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too." Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to get under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her and had the ride of my life!" The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?" "No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."
32-
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time."
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"
33-
There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.
The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.
Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited and asks if he can have a go.
"Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel," says the owner.
And the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
34-
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the Rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
1st Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine!"
2nd Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im 'til I run 'im off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS!"
3rd Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of.' I may not be as big as you fellows, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows!"
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
1st Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
2nd Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, to find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
1st Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
3rd Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
35-
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck. She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" "No, not anymore," she answered. "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."
36-
It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"
37-
A penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman "Have you seen my brother?" ...and the barman replies "No, what does he look like?"
38-
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
39-
Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night. "Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor's beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed, and I was flung into the soprano soloist's cleavage. That wasn't bad , nice and warm and all, but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don't get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor's beard again."
40-
There's this monkey, who lives in the jungle. This monkey is the most respected monkey in this particular jungle as he has the best tool. Animals come from miles around to get a crafty glance at the monkey's tool. Anyhow, one day, the monkey wakes up to find his tool has gone! 'Oh no!' says the monkey 'Where's my tool gone?' So off the monkey goes to try and find it. He asks the lion 'Have you seen my tool'? The lion asks what it looks like. The monkey says 'It's a four point tool, you know, a tool with four points'. 'Ah' says the lion, 'no, I haven't seen that'. So off the monkey goes and asks the snake, he hasn't seen it either. The same goes for the
alligator, elephant and even the giraffe. Just as the monkey is giving up all hope of ever seeing his tool again, he comes across the jaguar. 'Have you seen my tool?' ask the monkey. 'Ah, which tool's that?' Asks the jaguar. 'It's my four point tool' replies the monkey. 'Oh yes, I ate that' says the jaguar. 'Why did you do that?' exclaims the monkey. The jaguar replies, 'Because I'm a four-point-tool-eater jaguar'.
41-
The chicken and the egg were lying in bed. The chicken was lying back, smoking and looking very pleased with himself and the egg was sitting up, arms folded and looking very pissed off.
The egg then says to the chicken: "Well......I guess we answered THAT question
didn't we????"
42-
What did the slug say to the snail?
Big Issue?
43-
A fish walks into a bar. "What can I get you ?" asks the landlord.
The fish croaks "Water..."
44-
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.
After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head.
He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty. The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!
They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry said..."No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"
45-
There were 2 rats living in a sewer. One rat turns to the other and says, "I'm sick of this!"
"Sick of what?" responds the other rat.
"Sick of shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner, shit for tea- shit all day long. I'm just sick of it", says the first rat.
"Don't worry", replied the second, "I know what will cheer you up - tonight we'll go on the piss....."
46-
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Oi! How do you start this fucking thing?"
47-
I have found out the following things about dogs:
They are territorial:
"If it smells like me, it's mine!"
"If it even looks like mine--it's mine!"
They are possessive:
"If I put it in my mouth, it's mine!"
"If I tear it into a million tiny pieces, all million pieces are mine!"
They have no concept of privacy: they will urinate right in front of you without embarrassment. They will urinate in the great outdoors without shame.
They will eat anything.
They will be inexplicably excited about a new toy, refuse to share it with anyone else, and promptly destroy it.
They will fuck anything that sits still long enough to be humped--be it anyone's legs, the furniture, or the first female they can find.
They will bring you dead things as a token of affection.
They sleep on the floor if you tell them to.
They don't behave when you have guests.
Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in fur coats.
48-
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting
there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your
story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."
49-
There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!"
50-
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extra-ordinary skill.
"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's really not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand . . . he wags his tail!"
Click here to go to Animals Jokes Page 2
mailto:jokemaster@filthyjokes.freeserve.co.uk