Ali G
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Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly. "I iz a snail," Ali replied. The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" Ali replied. "Dat iz Michelle."
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ALI G’s DRIVING TIPS
I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me desided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonalds). Wicked.
Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe.
You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (me mate Dave will sell ya one for 20 squids - just tell im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid de instructer.
Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive.
Its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either.
Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving.
You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it a bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it.
Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructer.
If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum and Bass.
Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment.
When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver.
Tip 6 - Changing Gears.
This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'.
Tip 7 - Breaking and Corners.
Breaking and corners 'ave alot in common. You need to be usin' the handbreak for both.
Tip 8 - Correct Signalling.
Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that biatch wid de short skirt. They is best used to cuss other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph).
Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits.
I aint sure what these things are. You can make about £30 stealing them though. AYE!
Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver.
You will be able to spend hours sat in the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out.
Keep it safe, keep it real... respect.
Wicked!
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ALI G’s NURSERY RHYMES
Old mother hubbard,
Went to da cupboard,
To get her old dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave da bitch a bone of his own.
Hickory, dickory, dock,
Dis bitch was sucking me cock,
Da clock struck two,
I dumped me goo,
And dropped her at da end of da block.
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in da backyard.
When she took her panties off,
His wooly dick got hard.
Dere was an old lady oo lived in a shoe,
She ad so many kids,
Her uterus fell out.
Peter, peter, pumpkin eater,
Had a wife,
Liked to beat her,
Smacked her twice around da head,
Fucked her arse,
Den went to bed.
Jack and Jill went up da hill,
Each with a dollar and a quarter,
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim dat pussy,
It too damn hairy.
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Ali G’s Interview with Madonna
Ali: Selecta! I is ere wiv none uver dan da Queenie Mum of pop muzic, Madonna. Check it! So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a spare tyre up your jumper?
Madonna: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali.
Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den?
M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out, so to speak.
Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is?
M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend, Guy.
Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night?
M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.
Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad,man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch.
M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually.
Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?
M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the *Material* Girl.
Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually stark bollock naked, if you ekscuseme french.
M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a while ago and I appeared nude in several photos, but that was more artistic than pornographic.
Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was showing your punani on nearly every page. Well, all da pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I mean?
M: I think I know what you mean Ali. Boys will be boys.
Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all over you?
M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually.
Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is mingin. Anyway, in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was takin it up da as, but me Julie says dat you is too classy for dat.
M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice.
Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I erd e is a batty boy.
M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It was a book about fantasies, that's all.
Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter? Or is dat a personal question?
M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried everything, including anal sex.
Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna, it's good enuff for a bitchfrom East Staines
M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali.
Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an accident.
M: No, Ali.
Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers,maybe Becky or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock.
M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why I put it in the book.
Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie keeps tellin me.
M: No, not at all.
Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an up da batty for Julie when me gets home.
M: Only if she wants to Ali.
Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat 'Like A Virgin'?
M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgn. It was a metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch you.
Ali: On da punani?
M: No, anywhere.
Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she was a virgn da first time I shagged er in da changin rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass party an she told me she was a virgn den too. I fink she was lyin a second time.
M: I think she might have been lying the first time as well.
Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else?
M: Maybe.
Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no slapper. Anyway,I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in da bank.
M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will never retire, even after I have my second child. I love work too much.
Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you is called MADonna, cos you is MAD. Anyway, fank you Madonna
M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new video?
Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a perv. Me main girl Madonna ere says it's cool. Westside.
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Ali G’s Interview with Posh Spice
Ali G: Bo! I is ere wiv none ovver dan me main bitch outta da Spice Girls, Victoria Peckham. Wicked. So Vic, is you really as posh as you say you is? Cos me mate Dave says e knew you when you was at school, an e said you was rougher dan im.
V: Actually, Posh is just my nickname. I'm just your average Essex girl really.
Ali G: But you is a member of da Royal family though. You live in dat Buckingham House, innit?
V: No, I live in a mansion called Beckingham Palace. It's just a joke really. We have a flag on the roof and everything.
Ali G: Fer real. And dat is in Peckham, next door to Del Boy and Rodney?
V: No.
Ali G: Aiiih! So, is you and David well rich? Cos I erd you as like 50 million squid each.
V: That's not true. We are quite wealthy, but we don't have that much money. I wish.
Ali G: You used to be well fit, but lately, if you don't mind me sayin, you is gettin skinny like one a dem funny stick-inseck fings. Is you really arachnophobic?
V: Don't you mean anorexic?
Ali G: Aiiih, dat as well.
V: No, I'm not anorexic, and I'd like everyone to stop worrying about me. Since I had Brooklyn, my metabolism has changed. I actually eat like a horse.
Ali G: Wicked. What about dat Sporty Spice. She is well mingin.
V: That's not nice. Actually, Melanie is a very nice looking girl.
Ali G: You is got to be jokin'. She looks like a man, an a rough one at dat. I erd she was a muff muncher. Is dat true?
V: You'd have to ask her.
Ali G: I is tryin to get me Julie to drink from the furry fountain, but she sez she ain't interested. As you slept wiv Sporty? Like when you was on tour an you was a bit tipsy, an one fing led to anovver.
V: No, never. I'm straight.
Ali G: Respec. Why is your baby got such a stupid name. Dat is not fair on da kid is it? Everyone is gonna fink e is a batty boy at school.
V: We named him after the place where he was conceived. Hence, Brooklyn.
Ali G: Aiiih. Me mate Nigel did da same wiv is kid. He was bangin is missus in da swimming pool at da John Nike Leisure Centre. So e called is daughter John. She is gonna get a lot of stick at school for dat too.
V: I can imagine.
Ali G: Does Geri really av a ginger minge. Cos me mate Dave said he banged her in a bus shelter in Churtsey an e said she ad a black bush. Is dat true?
V: I've never seen Geri's pubic hair, so I wouldn't know about that.
Ali G: Come off it. Everyone as seen er muff. She was a big porn star before da Spice Girls. There's pictures on da Internet an everyfing.
V: She did some nude modelling before, but she was never a porn star. I've never even seen the pictures.
Ali G: I can give you da website address if you is interested.
V: No thanks.
Ali G: I erd she slept wiv Chris Evans. Urghh! Two ginger cunts in da same bed. Dat is disgusting. Have you ever sucked on da carrot?
V: I've never given Chris Evans a blow-job, if that's what you mean.
Ali G: No, I meant have you ever sucked on a carrot. I wasn't even finking about dat. You is a filfy girl. Urghh!
V: Sorry, I thought...
Ali G: So, is David as good in bed as e is on da cricket pitch?
V: He's actually a footballer. And I'm not telling you what he is like in bed. That's private.
Ali G: Fer real. I erd e wears a g-string. Is dat true?
V: Might be.
Ali G: Wicked. Me Julie wanted me to wear a g-string, but I said no. I wouldn't even wear one if it was made by Tommy Hilfiger. I ain't no batty boy.
V: Well David's not gay, if that's what you're implying.
Ali G: Aiiih. I read in da paper dat Scary Spice was snoggin dat black geezer Goldie an her tongue stud got caught on is gold teef cos they was magnetic. But i fink they made dat up cos gold ain't magnetic. It ain't even metal.
V: You shouldn't believe everything you read in the papers.
Ali G: Fer real. Finally, is you gonna be releasing a solo single like all da other Spice bitches.
V: Yes, my album will be out later in the year. I'm very excited about it. It's great!
Ali G: I ain't trying to be rude or nuffin, but I is never erd you sing yet. There is a rumour dat you sound like a donkey wiv a sore throat an a traffic cone up it's ass. Is dat true?
V: I'm not brilliant, but I sound a lot better than Geri that's for sure. Sorry, I didn't mean that Geri.
Ali G: Wicked. Fank you Victoria Peckham. An me mate Dave was right, you is a bit rough. Respec.
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Ali G’s Interview with Alex Ferguson
Ali: A' ight. Wicked. I is ere with none other than me main man, Sir Alex Ferguson who is dee manager of dee ManUre. Reespec' So Sir Alex, do you shovell sh!t all day ?
Sir Alex: No I manage a football team.
Ali: And dey is ManUre, no? Is dat not what comes out of dee horses arse? Me hear dat in da countryside dey put ManUre on der cornflakes. Have you heard dat?
Sir Alex: No I haven't.
Ali: So why do dey call you Sir.
Sir Alex: Because I was given a knighthood by the queen.
Ali: For real? You and dee Queen 'ad a nighthood? Reespec'. She was a fox in dem old days. But she is a bit minging now, no?
Sir Alex: I found her very charming.
Ali: A' ight, whatever. Good personality 'n'all that. But, Sir Alex, if ya don't mind me sayin', ya is a bit minging yourself. I s'pose you was well 'appy to get your end away.
Sir Alex: Well I was certainly very pleased about my knighthood.
Ali: Me mate Dave says you look like some dead copper from Glasgow. He a bit mingin' too. Not Dave..dee copper. Are you old bill?
Sir Alex: No, I've already told you, I manage a football team.
Ali: OK 'den so'ow good is dee Manchester United?
Sir Alex: Well we are champions of Europe.
Ali: Yeah, but what about America. Dey is best no? Cos dey is der best at everyfin'.
Sir Alex: I presume you mean the USA. Well, they have improved greatly but I would still say we are some way in front of them.
Ali: So would you win dee world cup 'den?
Sir Alex: Well of course not. To compete in that we would have to be a nation, a country.
Ali: So why don't you 'ave a war and get dee independance. Den you could play. Me hear dat Manchester is a bit sh!tty anyway, and dat it is always pissin' down. I bet dee queen will let you have it for noffin', 'specially since you is banging 'er.
Sir Alex: I'm not interested in politics. I prefer to stick to football.
Ali: Whatever. So, who is David Beckingham?
Sir Alex: David Beckham is a very talented young man.
Ali: I 'ear he is married to one of dem spicey girls. They are foxes, no? Is he married to da ginga wiv dee big tits?
Sir Alex: No he is married to Victoria. You may know her as Posh Spice.
Ali: Me 'ear she takes it up da batty?
Sir Alex: Well I think that's between David and Victoria.
Ali: Ai', for real. Me try to take me Julie up da batty but she say "No" and called me a dirty bastard. Me 'ear dat David and Posh have a kid, and dat 'dey called it Bronski Beat or some'fin.
Sir Alex: He is called Brooklyn, after where he was conceived.
Ali: Ai' me heard dat. It would 'ave been funny if 'dey had called 'im "Up da batty", no? 'cos den we would know dat dey is up toall dat stuff.
Sir Alex: I don't think that is very tasteful.
Ali: No it aint, dats what me Julie says. So, how old is Old Trafford?
Sir Alex: It is over a hundred years old, but is one of the most modern stadiums in the world.
Ali: Did they 'ave dinosaurs when dey built it. And giant bats?
Sir Alex: No I don't think so. Its very modern.
Ali: Does it smell of wee?
Sir Alex: No.
Ali: Me seen dat you and your team is always fighting and bein' dead angry and stuff on da pitch. Is you well 'ard?
Sir Alex: Well we play tough, but I would say we play fair.
Ali: Do you wanna go?
Sir Alex: I'm sorry?
Ali: Do you wanna go? Cos I've got me posse waiting round the back wiv bats and dat so if you reckon you is 'ard, will you take us on?
Sir Alex: We're passionate but we don't like to fight for the sake of it.
Ali: Me 'as 'eard dat you 'as got a ninja turtle in your posse.
Sir Alex: A ninja turtle?
Ali: Ai', Kung foo and dat.
Sir Alex: I presume you mean Eric Cantona. He is no longer at the club.
Ali: What? Is 'e in da nick. Me 'eard he went down for being French or somefin.
Sir Alex: Eric did community service for attacking a fan. But he was provoked.
Ali: 'Ow was 'e provoked? Did someone call his mama a bitch. I 'eard dat some one from the south west massive called my mama a slag and I'm gonna do da ninja 'ting on 'im. 'cos the police, dey don't do noffin'.
Sir Alex: In court the victim claimed that he told Eric that it would be an early bath for him. But I'm sure it was a lot ruder than that.
Ali: Ai' when me a kid me 'ated havin' dee early baff,'specially if der was somfin' good on telly. Is it true that he knobbed Leslie Ash?
Sir Alex: I wouldn't like to comment on that.
Ali: She a real fox, int she?
Sir Alex: I suppose so.
Ali: Would you like to knob 'er?
Sir Alex: I'm a married man, I wouldn't feel the need.
Ali: Ai' for real. You is knobbing the Queen anyway. Reespec. So for all you kids out der if you ming but you still want to knob the Queen, you should pay attention to this geezer..Sir Alex Ferguson. 'E may look like dee bulldogs arse but 'e is well in der. Big Up Sir Alex.
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ALI G ON HEDUCATION:
When President Blairs helected himself into da Whitehouse in 1987, him sed dat his four main priorities was heducation, heducation and heducation. First off all, dat iz a fick fing to say, cos dey is all nearly da same fing, and firdly, altho hexam results iz better, attendances iz up and standards iz higher, he aint improved nuffin at all about heducation.
Just like da kids off today, me was failed by da skool system and I hated every single minute I spent in da classroom. In fact, added all together, dat time was probly da most borin 3 hours of me life (although me still keep in touch wiv me classmates and goes to a skool reunion every second Monday in Staines job cebtre). But heducation iz important and skool days can be best days of your life - after all when else iz u gonna be surrounded by 16 year old girlswhere everyfin iz so firm.
Dese days even tho me now works mostly on da telly, me do still care about heducation in Staines and me spend a lot of time hangin around outside of skools in da area, makin sure da kids iz spendin deir pocket money wisely, aiii. Most of u out dere aint as heducated as me, I know you shouldn't show of, but me has got 3 CSE's. Well me hasn't hactually got dem, but me has taken dem. And to be honest me fought dey woz well easy, and just coz me and de hexaminers had different points of opinion, don't mean dat I woz necessarily wrong.
Even if u do take exams and don't do so well, dat ain't no problem coz you can just lie on your CV or change de letters. Like Marcel Beremblutt him woz well good at caligrafy and did joined up about a year before everyone else - for 20p he would take your report card and change 'F's' to 'A's'. What de membaz of de government readin dis should realise, iz dat de only real way to improve exam results iz to let everyone pass, wotever deir answers iz - let's not be racialist - just becoz people has habsolutely no intelligent does not mean dat dey should be made to feel fick. De only fing u can tell from exams iz if someone has worked hard or iz clever. Wot definitely should happen iz dat people who iz fick should have deir marks bumped up coz dey iz at a disadvantage.
TELLY - Da best teacher in da world
Dere is many better ways off gaining knowledge dan by learnin fings and it seem mental to me dat skools even hexist anymore when da best teacher in da hole planet can be found sittin in every front room in da country for 25 hours a day, 368 days a year. You probly fink I'm talkin bout your Nan, but I ain't - all you'll learn from her iz dat people piss more wen dey get older and dat often de best tashes can be found on women. I iz hactually on about da telly. Dere ain't nuffin dat you can't learn by watchin it and fanks to da start of Channel 5 and Granada Men & Motors, programme quality iz higher dan it iz ever been. If you picks what you watches carefully, da telly can learn you heveryfin on da National Currycolum to a standard as high as degrees or even CSEs. To save you da bovver of doin it yourself, I iz worked out a guide to wot fings on telly you should watch to get a good heducation:
Eastenders
Dockumentaries like dis can learn u a lot off diferent fings for hexample:
GEOGRAPHY: From studyin da map off Manchester at da start.
MAFFS: From seein how many pieces of froot da geeza wiv da aids puts in a bag when someone says, for hexample, "me want 3 happles please".
Crimewatch
As far as heducation goes, dis iz probly one off da best all round fings dat you can watch. Some of de crimez iz so sofisticated dat dey give da viewer ambition - one day if dey do a good enuf crime day too might be able to get on da telly. Ere iz just a few off da fings I iz learned from de programme:
MAFFS: I iz taught me dat robbin say about 5 grand u iz likely to go down for about 2 years and if u rob say about a million u goes down for only 4 years more, which mean robbin a million make about ten times more sense dan robbin 5 grand.
ISTRY: Me's learnt da if u hasn't been nicked for sumthin u iz done within 2 years, den u has probly got away wiv it.
GEOGRAPHY: I iz found dat if u is goin to do a crime, den da best place to do it iz da Wales cos deir Police iz so fick dey can't even speak Hinglish.
METALWORK: Crimewatch has taught me dat it iz possible to pick da lock of 5 series Beama by using a simple tool dat u can make out of a coathanger and da ring pull off a coke can.
SCIENCE: I has learnt dat D&A is somefing dat is found in da bogies off all human beins and dat wen coppas look at it thru a microwave, dey can read your name and address.
Oh yeah. It would be rong to to big up and pay respect to Jan Dildo who lost her life in a reconstruktion she did for de show. U iz wiv Tupac now. Respect.
Da National Geographic Channel
Dis channel is mainly soft porn and is probly one of da best places to see free muff outside of da internet. Watchin it u will learn amazing fings about de 3rd world - like dat bras aint been invented yet. Also on de rare hocassion when dey ain't showin human babylonz, den u can watch animals doin it which iz useful if u aint got any other material in da house, coz if you squint den a gorilla can look like a girl wiv a very overgrown muff. Dese is da other sort of fings it teach u about:
BIOLLERGY: U can find out dat every single creature in da hole world, like jellyfish and spiders an penguins and lions all gets jiggy an dat even cats does it doggy-style - dat is amazin. In fact dis channel is very good to observ new tekneeks for doing it wiv your lady, I learnt a reel good trick from watching a hippo, dat made mejulie have one like she had never had before.
GEOGAPHRY: It show you dat da jungles and forests iz well shitty places and dat da West ain't doin enuff to help cut them down and build fings like Mcdonalds for da people who lives dere.
Da Fanatsy Channel
Most people fink dat da Fantasy Channel iz only good for teachin you fings like how to be a plumba or a telly repair man. Although it iz good for both of dese it also learns you other stuff aswell.
MAFFS: I iz learnt dat 1+1 = a twosome, 1+2 = a freesome, 1+3= a four-header and dat 1+4 = 5 squid extra.
LANGUIDGE: From watchin da Fantasy Channel I iz learnt to speak all 3 words od da Swedish langwidge - Inga, Helga and fliegenarschstinke. I iz also pretty sure also dat de word 'no' don't hexist in Swedish.
GEOGAPHRY: I iz found out dat that compared to da rest of da world, English girls - even slags - iz well frigid.
BIOLLERGY: At school me was told dat only men slept wiv women. Dis is bollox, it iz also possible for dem to knob donkeys, dogs and goats.
How to cheat ...... Methods .......
1) Get a chip - not like fish and chips stupid - and stick it in your head, den get your mum at home to type in de answers on her computa. Dese will be transmogulated into your brain.
2) De biggest cheatin method of all iz 'revisin' before the exam. Dis method involves workin out de type of questions dat mite be asked and memorisin all de relevant hinformation. Dis method iz favoured by spods and girlz.
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ALI G on Sex
Contraseptions:
Comdons
Also known as 'connies', 'jonnies', 'sperm banks' and 'cock socks'. Girlz can buy dese from chemists or pubs, and can find dem in dea woods behind Egham cricket pavillion (dey iz still as good as new). Warning: dey do reduse sensitivity durin intracorse so me personally reccomend cuttin da end off for a much more enjoyable shag. Alos, it iz not hygenic to use dem more dan about 5 times each unless u put dem in da washim machine (do not tumble dry)
Other halternatives to connies dat do de same fing are crisp bags (not salt and vinegar - me reccomend spicy BBQ coz it leave your helmie wiv a nice aftertaste for post-noshin) cling film and veruca socks.
Da Pill
Da pill is somefin invented by lezzas in da 1860s coz dey was unable to wear connies. to be habsolutely 90% sure dey work me suggest dat blokes take dm aswell.
Da Femmydong
Diz iz like a bog sock made of rubber dat look like a carrier bag - in fact, wiv a lot of girls in Staines. it hactually iz a carrier bag. It go inside da punani and traps da mans giz. U has to fix it on da outside wiv some sellotape. Me persoanlly don't like dese coz it mean dat da woman den has a bag of my giz which she could sell for millionz of squidz.
Da Coil
Da coil is a big spring dat goes inside a vadge and when a mans nob hits it, it bounces straight out again
Gettin Jiggy Wid It
Da punani is one of da most amazin fings dat jah has ever created along with KFC and Jackie Chan. Da way it feel, da way it look (after a visit to pink cheeks in Egham) and what it reprezent to da hole race of human beans, make it da greatest gift for a man dat dere is ever been. While at da early stages of a relashunship u iz probably up for eating from de bushy plate. After about a week u probly cannot be arsed to do it anymore - after all wot pleazure does it bring to u? Dat is why u must memorise de following:
6 Excuses Not To Go Down:
1) U iz so beautiful dat me wanna see your face
2) It iz illegal at da moment cos of da outbreak of fanny and mouth disease
3) Me has just put in a new gold toof and me dont want it to rust
4) U iz got de painters in and me dont want to get a taste for it, in case I iz a vampire
5) I iz got a cold and me don't want to give u fanny flu
6) Me has just had some red wine, and u dont ave to be Jamie Holiver to know dat red wine and fish don't mix.
How To Bone In The Cinema
1) Buy tickets for de loudest film posible either a film about dinosaurs or lorries.
2) Do NOT buy tickets for de back row. Dat is wear everyone iz expectin u to bone and some of de seats dere iz already covered in giz. Instead go right to de front saying dat u need hextra 'legroom'. If anyone sees u ere, dey will fink u iz part of de film.
3) Make sure u iz facin de screen so dat u dont miss any of de film.
4) Buy a large tub of popcorn. Once u has sat down. make a hole on de tub about an inch wide and den stick your beats thru it.
5) Den get de lady to put her hand in de tub and search for de best bit of popcorn. She should continue doin diz for about 5 minutes. Make sure u has not bought salty popcorn coz dey will sting your japseye. Anywayz if all goes to plan, de popcorn will becum salty anyway, aiii.
6) Try not to let your soldiers until a particularly scary bit of da film. Dat way people will fink u iz well excited about lorries and not just spunkin up.
7) After about half an hour do not forget wot has happened and start munchin on de poporn again.
9-
MORE FROM ALI G
On Gettin A Job
When u hear de word career u probly fink of dat country in China where de Vietnams war append. But it iz also got sumfin to do wiv jobs. Basikly everyones dream job iz to get loadz of money for doin habsolutely nuffink - I iz currently livin dat dream. Dat iz why de most sought after jobs in todays workplace are dose off DJ, Gangsta, Dealer or Pimp. People who ain't clever enuf to get dese jobs become lawyers, doctors and sientists and has to work well ard for no cash. A real growf area in hemployment is dat off crime. More and more young people iz gettin qualified and joinin 'Firmz' all over de
cuntry.
10-
Women Iz From Egham
Of all da wonderful gifts dat Jah has given to men, woman has got to be right up dere in da top three, along wiv da erb, rappin, guns and KFC.
Women iz not only da most beautiful fings on da earth dey is also useful. Males has been attracted to bitches for millions off years now - in fact we iz been knobbing wimmin since even before da days of Edam and Ave. From de moment dat Edam put dat snake up her punani - a ritual witch a lot of religious women still practize in Hamsterdam - man somehow got the idea of of gettin jiggy. If it woz not for women den da human race would not be able to carry on coz it iz mostly dem dat has de babies.
Dey can only have babies if da man understands and cares for da woman, gives er support and cherishment and den bones her at da right time. Doin 'it' wiv girls iz vital for da future of da whole human race - even if unfortunately it sometimes leads to pregnancy. When it come to choosin a woman, u'd fink it wood be as ezy as seperating dem into 2 groups - dose u would bone and dose you woodnt bone. Hunfortunately fings iz hactually a bit more complicated dan dat. Poppulation figures show dat 1 in every 3 people iz a woman and dis mean dere is a lot of different types. recognizin dese types and gettin dem to knob you iz a skill I iz learnt over da years and in this bit of da book, I iz goin to share some of me knowledge off woman wiv you. I iz had loads off bonin experiense and can hactually counr de number of bitches I iz had on one hand.
Sexualism In Britain Today
Just coz 'sexualism' has de word 'sex' in it, dat don't make it a good fing. Lets remember it say 'ism' at de end of it which means dat it iz a bad word - like racialism [obviously de hexception to da rule iz 'jism' and even dat can be bad if it ain't ur own and has hit u in da face]. It make me feel sad when me look around at da world and se dat dere iz so much sexualism out dere. I hope me writins on dis will amke u realize dat sexualism aint sumfin good. It iz sumfin bad. Men iz got to start treatin ho's wiv respek, after all dey iz our hequals. It iz our responsibility to be carin on sensitive when we ask our girlfriendz to be tied up wiv you and her best mate.
Sexualism In Da Workplace
It iz so important dat woman have equal rights in de workplace [as long as dey dont start demandin dem at ome]. Women should not be hexpected to do de cookin and cleanin when dey come home from work - dey shood do it before dey leave in de mornin. After all I don't wanna sit around in an untidy house all day. I iz always very careful about not bein sexualist. I iz very happy for girls to do important jobz when I do a production as long as dey is very happy and dont mind showin a bit of skin.
In a modern relationship your woman should only have to do the cookin and half de housework. Your mum or her mum should do the other half. It iz natural 4 de woman to stay at home and look after de kidz while de man go out and provide for them by claimin dole. However, if women do work dey should be given full hequality.
Dere is now fankfully some jobs where dey iz finally gettin paid de same as men. De best hexample of da new career hopportunities availabul to woman is lapdancin. If u do not want to support de right of women to work den why not go to your local strip joint. A lot of rapperz make deir videos in strip jointz for dis reason. Many feminists fink dat it iz degradin for a man to get a strippa to dance for him and den stick ten squid in her sussies. I agree wid dem - u should stick at least 15.
Rag Week
Not many people know dis but an important diference between men and women iz sumfin called 'da mental cycle' or as doctors call it, 'havin de painters in'. But no matter wot name u gives it, it still causes terrible pain and sufferin and it aint very pleasant for women eiver. Now even tho dis iz a type of 'cycle' it ain't a good one like a BMX - it iz more like one of dem bikes designed for gaylords which u fold up and has a basket on de front.
How Often Does It Occur?
Ladies get da 'red wedge' once every 3 weeks, tho sometimes more often. Mejulie for hexample tells me she has got it at least a couple of times every week.
Why Do They Happen?
Medickly, wot happens iz hactually very simple. Dere iz a clock dat ticks round in her muff, when it gets to 'her time' da egg dat she has been fryin in her aviary drops out of her punani.
Can You Have Intracourse Durin Mensturation?
1) People fink dat you can't have sex when your lady has 'Arsenal playin at home'. Diz is not true - you can, but just not wiv her.
2) In fact u can turn de situation to ya advantage and to show how considerate and luvin u iz, suggest to her dat u do it up de wrong un.
Can Mensturation Haffect Da Woman's Mood?
Altho hadverts on da telly for jam rags and tammys and fings like dat makes out dat women on da blob is all happy and smilin and and doin sports and stuff, dis could not be furver from da truth. When it iz dere time, women hactually turns mental. It don't matter what a man say or do to dem, it iz always goin to be wrong. Remember: It iz not an easy time for your woman - be kind to her, treat her nice and try to get her to stay round at her mates.
Hanging On 2 A Honey
If u iz come dis far and followd all me tips you should have a fit woman by now. All u iz got to do now iz to hold on to her, which, hunfortunately iz da ardest fing of all. One out of every 4 women iz mingaz, which mean dat only 25% of girlz iz hactually fit. Dis mean dat even if you iz lucky enuff to be wiv one of dem, dere will be plenty of people tryin to take her off u innit. For me dis aint really an hissue, cos apart from da times me's been dumped, no woman has ever left me. Ere is some ways me guarantee will keep you wiv a girl:
1) Don't be jealous and pocessive of her - dis will drive her away.
2) Don't let her speak to other men and if she do, threaten to kick da shit out off dem and den take her home.
3) Borrow a lot of money off her - she know dat if she finish wiv you, she ain't ever gonna get it back.
4) Get her up da duff. Dis really iz a last resort.
5) Get her to wear one of dem black sacks over her clothes, like da Indus do, to stop other men fancyin her.
6) Tell her dat you iz only got six months to live {make sure dat you keep re-tellin her dis every six months, or she won't belief you].
7) Show her romantik gestures - write a love letter for her and leave it somewear were she will see it. Below iz one me wrote for mejulie on da front off da elmsleigh centre:
Me Julie: Fanks 4 Shavin It - Muff Respect
Meeting De In-Lawz
If fingz iz goin well u might be forced to meet her parents and if u iz unlucky she might have 2 of dem. Here iz a simple guide on how to cope wiv dis potenshally disastrous situation.
Greetingz
It iz important to make a very good impression.
How Iz Your Appearance
Make sure u has no dirt on your cloves and none of deir daughter's pubes in your teef. When you first meet de mother be charmin and pay her a gentle compliment e.g, 'allo cheeky' den squeeze her batty [gently]. It iz a social 'no no' to let de index finger slip into de crack area. Next say to your girlfriend while pointing to da mum 'I didn't know u had an hextremely younger, model sista'. De mum will probly say sumfin like 'wot a charmin compliment but I am hactually her mutha'. U should imediately look surprized and say 'No fukin way - u iz sooo fit. Now me can see where your daughter got her great babylonz from'. Den add 'If I woz really mashed I would probly bone u'.
Meeting Da Dad
Now u iz won da mother over, try and impress da dad by showin him wot lovely times u iz had wiv his daughter. Pull out a photo of de 2 of u together, and den say 'Dat's me and dat's your daughter. As u can see from our faces dis iz our favorite position'.
Da Meal
Offa to help wiv da meal. 2 make de afternoon go more smoovely add a few erbs of your own to de Sunday roast, aiii. remember off course to always compliment da food. A perfect line wood be: 'dis desert tastes as sweet as your daughters punani'. Dis way u iz givin a double compliment innit. It iz not only important to be interested, u should alos be interestin.
Farewellz
When u leave be careful how u answer de final question. If de dad says: 'it has been a pleasure meeting you - my daughter is a lucky girl and I hope that one day you will settle down with her', u shood answer: 'me can't promis u dat, but me give u me word dat I will bone her until me real bitch come back from holiday'.
11-
Ali G talks to Judge Pickles about law.
Ali: "When can you murder someone?"
Pickles: "Ah, well, let me say, that's really a nonsensical question if I may say so because if you are entitled to kill somebody it's not murder."
Ali: "Okay, but can you murder someone if someone, let's say called your mum a slag, dis your mama? If they call your mum a slag, ring up the police, the police ain't gonna do nothing, you know, they laugh at you."
Pickles: "Well, I don't know, it depends I suppose, if you called my mother a slag and I then killed you, provocation can reduce
murder to manslaughter."
Ali: "So where's the line then? If they call her slag - manslaughter, if they call her bitch - is that murder?"
Ali: "Do you think women should be on juries?"
Pickles: "Oh yes, of course."
Ali: "What about when they got the painters in?"
Pickles: "I'm sorry?"
Ali: "What about when it's rag week? How can they be thinking straight, serious! Serious, my woman, she doesn't know what's going on, guilty - everyone is guilty when it's her time. Everyone is guilty, I do something small - GUILTY! You should be chopped, whatever."
Pickles: "I don't honestly think you could start asking people intimate questions and say 'no, you can't do this.'"
Ali: "Exactly, this is why you should not have women on juries."
Pickles: "No, no. I've never thought about this before, actually."
12-
Ali G Interviews Tony Benn
Ali G: Wicked! I is here with none other than Tony Benn. He been in the political game for many, many years. So nobody know it as he does, and he is going to explain what the socialism is and what all the left stuff is going on. What is socialism, Tony?
Tony Benn: Socialism is about democracy...
Ali G: So why do they call it the welfare state? Is it because it is well fair?
Benn: Well, the welfare state means that you've got a national insurance.
Ali G: But unemployment is wicked because you get money for doin' nothing...
Benn: What do you mean? This idea that you're unemployed because you're lazy is rubbish.
Ali G: Me ain't saying that it's cause you lazy, me saying you wanna chill, whatever, y'know?
Benn: What do you mean "you want to chill"?
Ali G: You want to relax... So do you think young mothers should get welfare?
Benn: Well, of course.
Ali G: But does the welfare not just encourage young girls to go out and get jiggy with Mr Biggy, get a pizza in the oven...
Benn: Well, if you think girls get pregnant 'cause they think they'll get benefit...
Ali G: For real! For real! They is girls in my estate, they is 16, 17, they already got one kid and they see something nice in the shops and they think: "Is me gonna get a job or is me gonna get welfare then me can sit on me batty and watch Vanessa, whatever?"
Benn: You're living in a world where everyone is just so greedy...that there's no hope of building a better society and that's why in a
mess.
Ali G: So what is the point of a strike?
Benn: A strike is: "unless you give us decent conditions, we won't work for you."
Ali G: So do you not think that people strike just 'cause they is lazy and wanna chill for a day or so?
Benn: If I accepted your view of human nature, I think I would become a gangster.
Ali G: For real! Is calling a strike not a bit like calling a sickie. Like you had a really banging weekend, you ring up, you say you is
going to have a strike...
Benn: Oh blimey, if you think it's like a hangover...
Ali G: Aye. But everyone is going on about the right to work, what about the right not to work?
Benn: Well, that's different, you want to work or you wouldn't be here.
Ali G: No! Me want to work when me want to, but most of the time me want to chill, me want to hang with me bitches, me just want to relax.
Benn: You do treat woman with a great deal of disrespect. You're calling them animals. You've got no time for people, you think they're lazy, greedy, don't want to work, you call women bitches and then you're asking me about a society that's happy! A society somebody will shoot you one day because you treat them like an animal...
Ali G: Ok, me just want to say thank you Tony Benn.
Benn: I've enjoyed it.
Ali G: Maximum respect going out to my main man Tony Benn. Aye. Keep it real!
13-
Ali G in the art gallery.
Ali: "Who be this cheeky little lady?"
Attendant: "This is a friend of Van Gough."
Ali: "She look as if she's just been..." <winks>
Attendant: "She doesn't look that, uh, happy I don't think."
Ali: "Ah, maybe she been taken up the wrong end or something."
14-
In the Royal Opera House.
Ali: "And what is the acoustic like?"
Singer: "Brilliant."
Ali: "Wikkid."
Singer: "If you're sitting up there you can hear as well as if you're sitting down here. Try it."
Ali: "HERE ME NOW! RIIIDE THE PUNANI! RIIIDE THE PUNANI!"
Ali: "So if ya wanna check out some culture, you can either spend 50 squid on a ticket for a night at the opera, or me can get you a bag of skunk dis big. The choice is yours. Ya got my mobile number, a'ight?"
15-
Ali G and Teddy Taylor on Europe.
Ali: "So what about the pornos, would that still be legal in Amsterdam?"
Teddy: "Well, it's going to be very difficult indeed, quite frankly, as the borders go down, to try and accept a difference in policy."
Ali: "So will I still be able to buy stuff with, you know, dogs and women, or whatever in Amsterdam, or will that be illegal there."
Teddy: "Oh no, that's still, you'll still be able to do that, but the crux is this, is it going to be the same law through Europe."
Ali: "So we could start getting pornos of that quality over here?"
Teddy: "It's up to the European council of ministers to decide that the same rules should apply throughout Europe."
Ali: "Aren't there any good things about it though, like, I dunno, the ladies, like everyone knows we've got a lot of mingers
here and... I dunno, we get some Sweedes or whatever because they is easier and less frigid than, I dunno, the English girls..."
Teddy: "Southend-on-Sea is the place with the lovliest girls..."
Ali: "Me had a look around, man."
16-
Ali G and the Irish
Ali: "So is you Irish?"
Sammy Wilson, member of the DUP. "No, I'm British."
Ali: "So is you on here on holiday?"
Sammy: "No, Northern Ireland has always been part of Britain."
Sammy: "The vast majority of people in Northern Ireland actually use the police for their own protection."
Ali: "But why is they using a breakdown service as police, that, to to me, sound like the most stupid thing. No wonder they is
fighting here or whatever, if..."
Sammy: "I think you've got a mistake, it's the RUC."
Ali: "A'ight."
George Paton, Orange Lodge Grandmaster in Northern Ireland.
Ali: "Do you have music at this march?"
George: "Oh yes, yes, lots of music, the whole works."
Ali: "For real, do you have drums?"
George: "Drums, yes."
Ali: "And is you like knocking out a drum and bass thing or is it more kind of speed garage that you is knocking out?"
George: "It's all there, different drummers have their own rhythms, it's an individual thing."
Ali: "Do you not think though, me just not giving advice but me sayin' from me own experience, sometimes it's good to back up
the drums with a bit of human beat box?"
George: "Yes, er..."
Ali: "Do you not think that would be good?"
George: "Yes, course it would."
Ali: "If someone is doing, you know, dumpf, duf, dumpf, duf, dumpf, people could chill form both sides and get into that."
George: "I would hope that people could."
Ali: "What can we do to increase the peace? Would you ever marry a protestant girl?"
George: "I have, yes."
Ali: "Well that is a gesture, no, that is a long way to getting the peace."
George: "Yeah but I'm a protestant as well."
Ali: "Okay, alright, well, so if you weren't married to her, would you marrying a Catholic girl then?"
George: "Possibly because of my faith I wouldn't."
Ali: "What if she was fit really though? What then?"
George: "Because my religion is so important to me, that's going to be the overriding factor."
Ali: "But what if she had her own car, she had a, you know, sound system, whatever, she wasn't gonna be stealing money from
you, whatever. Would you go with her then?"
George: "I think that, you know, I am friends with Roman Catholics, and I have
Roman Catholic friends, but..."
Ali: "But would you get jiggy with them?"
George: "It would never come to that, my religion is the most important thing to me."
Ali: "Even if they was really, really fit?"
George: "Yes, yes. That's the bottom line, yes. That's hard for people to understand, but..."
Ali: "Even if she was incredibly the fittest."
George: "Even so, yes."
Ali: "So you is telling me honest that if, like, The Corrs, them band The Corrs, they came in here now and said they wanted to
marry you, you wouldn't just jump and say yes."
George: "Yes, I've got my views, they are important to me."
Ali: "You is telling me you would say no to The Corrs."
George: "Yes, yes..."
Ali: "All three of them."
George: "Yes."
Ali: "So you really believe this thing. You're really into it, it ain't just a joke."
Sue Ramsey, member of the assembly of Sinn Fein.
Ali: "And what is the language that they speak here?"
Sue: "Gaelic."
Ali: "Gay-lick? What is that like, a batty language or somethin'?"
Ali: "What is the story with drugs and that kind of thing here? Is there a problem with drugs here?"
Sue: "Um, there probably is."
Ali: "Is maybe the cause of the problem that they say, and maybe it is a stereotype or whatever but that say that the Irish is always
up for the crack or whatever. You've got a problem because the crack make you violent, me know people from me estate, they go
mental whenever there is someone around they want to fight them, whatever, it's a bad drug."
Sue: "No, crack in Ireland means having a good time."
Ali: "A'ight, for real, but it ain't all fun, it's also bad stuff as well, there's a high but after you've finished it there's a low."
Lord Mayor of Ireland.
Ali: "I don't know what's going on 'ere. Why is there all the fighting?"
Mayor: "There are people in Ireland who wish to be part of a united Ireland and then there are people living in Northern Ireland
who wish to remain part of United Kingdom."
Ali: "And where does Wogan stand?"
17-
Ali G and Rhodes Boyson about education.
Ali: "Do you believe kids should be caned?"
Rhodes: "I do. I..."
Ali: "You do! Wikkid, man. You believe kids should be caned even in school?"
Rhodes: "Even in school."
Ali: "Do you not think, Sir Rhodes, if you get caned in school you can't concentrate as well. Because a lot of people out there
say that if you're getting caned."
Rhodes: "Well, I was caned in my time and I've concentrated all my life."
Ali: "You were caned? Respect, man. Respect."
Rhodes: "It shouldn't be done evil and it shouldn't be done badly."
Ali: "Aye, You've got to have good stuff."
Rhodes: "You have to have rules in life."
Ali: "You have to have good cane."
Rhodes: "You have to have a good cane."
Ali: "Okay, but you're saying the caning is cool."
Rhodes: "The caning is cool, and most boys prefer it to being told off."
Ali: "Do you think sex education should be taught in the school?"
Rhodes: "No."
Ali: "Why not?"
Rhodes: "I think it that is the job of the family."
Ali: "Do you think porn stars should teach sex education in school?"
Rhodes: "No."
Ali: "Why not?"
Rhodes: "Because I do not respect porn stars, as you say."
Ali: "But they has more experience boning than anyone, man.
Rhodes: "They are not the experiences that I want for our country."
Ali: "But someone who has had a four header or whatever will know how to cope with any situation."
Rhodes: "Well, some of these situations I wouldn't put myself in for at the beginning."
Ali: "For real, Sir Rhodes, me feeling that, me feeling that."
Ali: "What is education, Sir Rhodes?"
Rhodes: "Education is, beginning, literacy and numera then..."
Ali: "A'ight. And what does them mean?"
Ali: "So, what about the maff? What do you reckon about the maff? Do you rate the maff, or do you rock the maff?"
Rhodes: "The maths?"
Ali: "The maff."
Rhodes: "The maff, what's the maff?"
Ali: "You know. One, two, three... four."
Rhodes: "Oh yes, that's right, that's right, very good."
Ali: "Well why don't they teach proper maff in school?"
Rhodes: "What do you mean by proper maths?"
Ali: "Why do they teach in kilos and grams when you should really deal in ounces, quarter of ounces, eighth of ounces? Everyone
works in ounces. Why don't they modernise and teach in ounces?"
Rhodes: "Well, I prefer the old ones, as being a tradionalist, I would have the old things back again."
Ali: "Wikkid, and you need to know about quarter of ounces, eighth of ounces, all that kind of thing..."
Rhodes: "Well, if you're doing baking or anything of that kind..."
Ali: "Ai, for real, for real. Me know baking."
Rhodes: "I make my own breakfast every day."
Ali: "Ai. An me make ME own breakfast..."
Rhodes: "Very good."
Ali: "So I mean who ever bought a kilo of anything, you know? Apart from me mate Dave and he's gone down now. I mean, what is that useful for, the kilo?"
Ali: "Sir Rhodes, do you think there should be mixed schools?"
Rhodes: "I think there should be a choice, for parents and the pupils themselves."
Ali: "Do you not think though, if you have mixed schools, all the boys will spend all their time chasing maff, and all their girls will spend all their time preparing just their maff."
Ali: "You have shown that education is something wikkid, education is something special, and more than that that, education is
something we need throughout the nation, if we are gonna get into the space station. Respect, boyaka-sha, big up."
18-
Ali G and The Bishop of Corsham about religion.
Ali: "Does he really have a beard?"
Bishop: "It's not that he's got a beard, it's the sort of person Jesus was."
Ali: "Is he a man or is he a woman?"
Bishop: "He's neither a man nor woman."
Ali: "Is he a... ladyman?"
Ali: "But what has God ever done?"
Bishop: "He made the world, okay, he created..."
Ali: "He made the world?"
Bishop: "Of course."
Ali: "Did he?"
Bishop: "Well, let's, I can only tell you what I believe, man. I mean, it may sound uncool to you, it's faith."
Ali: "So you saying God made the world? And since then he's just chilled?"
Ali: "What about the Virgin Mary? Was she really a virgin?"
Bishop: "I believe that Mary was a virgin, yes. She found that she was pregnant. And she said, she asked the question, 'how can this
be?' I mean, I'm not surprised she said, 'how can this be?'"
Ali: "But me know girls that also say, 'me find me pregnant, me find me pregnant,' you know, 'what happened?' and the mother
or whatever say, 'listen girl, you know you've been you been mucking around. 'Ave you been drunk maybe? Don't lie to
me.'
19-
Ali G and James Whittaker about Princess Di.
Ali: "Why was she nobbing that Pakistani?"
James: "He wasn't a Pakistani for a start, he was an Egyptian."
Ali: "A'ight..."
James: "She fell in love, in lust, with him and she had a summer romance."
Ali: "Will Carmella ever be queen?"
James: "Camilla?"
Ali: "A'ight Carmella."
James: "I think she will."
Ali: "Do you think that a lot of the objection to Camilla is because she is so minging?"
James: "So WHAT?"
Ali: "So minging, because she is so..."
James: "What does minging mean?"
Ali: "Her face is very... ugly. No, me didn't wanna say that... not ugly, no, me didn't wanna say that, she's rank, she's rank."
James: "Most women in this country..."
Ali: "A'ight, are a bit dodgy..."
James: "Well, no..."
Ali: "Yeah, look a bit rough..."
James: "Well, being compared to Diana she was a very beautiful..."
Ali: "She was fit."
James: "Very tasty, so you put anybody up against Diana and it's a wee bit of a problem. She is also a very fit woman, she rides well."
Ali: "She ain't fit man!"
James: "No, this isn't Diana, I understand Prince Charles well..."
Ali: "But she look like Rod Hull, she does man..."
Ali: "What do you think about Fergie?"
James: "I think she is a decent person."
Ali: "Did they not find pictures of her sucking someone's nob or something?"
James: "No, they wouldn't find pictures like that, in fact I was present at this, you're talking about sucking somebody's toe or having her toes sucked..."
Ali: "A'ight but they used the word toe... they used the word toe..."
James: "No, no... I, er watched this... naughty!"
20-
Ali G and Sue Leece about women's rights.
Ali: "Boyaka-sha. Check dis. Today we is talking about women. I is with none other than Professor Sue Leece. She be director of the Centre for Gender Research and we is going to talking about ladies. Now, one in two people in the country is a women, so we
has got to know about this... Women. They is important aren't they?"
Sue: "They indeed are, very important, as important as men."
Ali: "Which is better? Man or woman?"
Sue: "Well equality is not about being better."
Ali: "But which one is better?"
Sue: "Neither is better."
Ali: "But one must be just a little bit better."
Sue: "In what respect?"
Ali: "Like, you know, in the way that something is worse and something is better."
Ali: "Do you think there will ever be a female Prime Minister?"
Sue: "Well there has been one."
Ali: "When?"
Sue: "Margaret Thatcher."
Ali: "No she wasn't a Prime Minister. Do you think another woman will be allowed to slip through?"
Ali: "Do you think a women should be able to have any job?"
Sue: "I think yes, I think they should be able to have any job."
Ali: "But would you feel safe though if you knew a women was flying your plane."
Sue: "Why wouldn't you feel safe if a woman was flying it? Do you feel safe being driven by a women?"
Ali: "Nope. Would you not be scared though that she would start nattering or whatever, or start thinking about things and then
forget to fly the plane, or get angry with somebody?"
Ali: "A lot of boys me know is trying to get their girlfriends into feminism, do you that is right?"
Sue: "Yes, I do actually I think it's a good thing."
Ali: "Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once?"
Sue: "Well girls today often don't realise how much they've benefited from feminism..."
Ali: "But do you think it is right when they try feminism when they is drunk at a party or whatever with a few mates?"
Sue: "What does 'trying feminism' mean?"
Ali: "You know, try a bit of feminism and when they is sober the next day they get back together with their boyfriends?"
Sue: "I don't understand what you mean by 'get feminist?'"
Ali: "When they kiss a women."
Sue: "What, being lesbian, are you talking about, sexually?"
Ali: "... A'ight, for real."
Ali: "Me uncle Jamal, he says he is tri-sexual. He will try anything sexual. What does that mean?"
Sue: "There are a lot of people, you know, who would agree that they are... that they would like having sexual relationships with men and with women."
Ali: "So you is saying that you think that he has done it with men?"
Sue: "Or doing it."
Ali: "Ai?"
Sue: "Um, well, it would suggest that from that... or that he is interested in it, don't know that he would have done it. Depends
what 'done it' means."
Ali: "So you think me uncle Jamal is a... batty boy?"
Sue: "No, I don't think he is a batty boy actually, but..."
Ali: "But you think me uncle Jamal like it in both pipes?"
Sue: "I think he's probably, uh, making a joke."
Ali: "For real. So it probably a joke? It ain't a necessarily. 'Cos he is a joker."
Sue: "Yes, I think he's a joker."
Ali: "If you called him that to his face he'd probably kill you."
21-
Ali G and Admiral Stansfield Turner about the CIA.
Ali: "So, Mr. Stansfield, what does the CIA stand for?"
AST: "Central Intelligence Agency."
Ali: "So does it help if you was intelligent if you wanna get in?"
AST: "Yes, to get in you need a college degree..."
Ali: "Ain't that a bit racialist though that you have to be intelligent?"
AST: "Isn't that a bit?"
Ali: "Racialist, that you won't allow in thick people? Could I ever work for the CIA?"
AST: "I would certainly think so, you seem intelligent."
Ali: "Thank you very much, I has got two GCSEs."
Ali: "So let's talk about spies now because the CIA has also got to do with spies, innit? Is it true that you have certain female spies
that you put a camera in their punani?"
AST: "..."
Ali: "What uniform to the CIA spies wear?"
AST: "They don't wear a uniform, they have to be as incognito as possible. Now look, you go over to a foreign country, we have a
CIA person goes to country X, and in that country he finds... Joe, who is willing to give us information."
Ali: "Who is Joe?"
AST: "Joe is a member of country X, he is a citizen of country X."
Ali: "Is it not dangerous that you is saying his name because this maybe on the telly."
Ali: "What about landing a man on the moon, did it actually ever happen?"
AST: "Of course it happened, I've actually shaken hands with the first man on the moon."
Ali: "How do we actually know that Luey Armstrong was actually stood on the moon?"
AST: "It was Neil Armstrong."
Ali: "Whatever."
22-
Ali G and Professor J. K. Galbraith about the economy.
Ali: "What is supply and demand? Is it like with me Julie? I supply it and she demand it."
JKG: "Supply and demand is an old economic expression..."
Ali: "Is it like in me school? Everyone was well into Tashid Vegi because she was all well fit and had nice skin and whatever and
you had to spend 75p even for a touch and Zoe Lewis who was a bit dodgy, looked a bit rough, she was 25p for fingers and thumbs."
Ali: "So what notes do you have here?"
JKG: "Dollars, five dollars, ten dollars."
Ali: "Would it not be more convienient if instead of having like just a ten dollar bill and a twenty dollar bill you had like a five dollar nineteen cents bill or like a twelve dollar forty-eight cents bill or like a forty-eight dollar five cents bill or like a seventy-eight dollar three cents bill or like a two hundred and sixty-seven dollar fifty-four cents bill or like a three hundred and eighteen dollar nine cents bill, then you could pay for everything with one note, innit?"
JKG: "I have no hesitation in saying that would be so complicated that only you and a few other people would understand it."
Ali: "I has got an idea and I want to run it by you, Professor Galbraith. What has everyone in the world got...? Feet, right?
And what do they want their feet to become...? Comfy. How do they make their feet comfy? One word..."
JKG: "Shoes."
Ali: "Slippers! Me idea is to make... slippers."
JKG: "Well, ah, um... you're not the only person with that idea."
Ali: "Yeah? Well, check this. I is going to use the intranet, and I is going to do it on wwf.slippers.com. What do you think about
that?"
JKG: "I would point out that you will only become a millionaire making slippers, internet or not, if you make them cheaper than anybody else..."
Ali: "What happen if I use the intranet and I do it instead of that address, on wwf.swedishfanny.com, 'cos then everyone would think
that they is going over to some nice girls or whatever, and what would they see? Me slippers!"
JKG: "Okay, uh, that's your risk, fortunately, and not mine."
Ali: "Do you want to invest some money in it?"
JKG: "Certainly not."
23-
Ali G and The Bible
'Ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old.
It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.
Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey say (not de dinosaurs hobviously - coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I has remixed dem for da new millennium.
Da old Commandments:
I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's ass.
Da New Commandments:
I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire, u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it me is well into bondage.
Westside.
Do not dis Tupac.
Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold de jungle all nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath. 5 squid on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
Respec your Nan.
Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
Thou shalt not deal.
Thou shalt not wear false titties.
Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).
24-
Ali G Interview with Elton John
Ali G: Alo! I is ere wiv none uver dan da batty boy of pop, John Elton. Respect.
Elton John: It's Elton John actually Ali.
Ali G: Aiih, whatever. So John, is you always been a batty boy cause I erd dat you woz once married - although I also erd dat da missus was mingin?
Elton John: Well Ali if you mean have I always been gay then probably deep down I was but maybe fought it because in my younger days especially it was not socially acceptable to be gay.
Ali G: Fer real, but when you was gettin' jiggy did you fink about people like James Dean and that Jonny Rottweiler who was tarzan so you wouldn't end up wiv a floppy or woz you trisexual and didn't care where you was stickin' Mr biggy?
Elton John: Again I probably fought hard to convince myself I wasn't gay so I never had a problem maintaining an erection with women. I now know I am homosexual so I would probably struggle to get aroused with a woman now.
Ali G: Wow, I fink I might be homosexual then cause Mr biggy wasn't coming out to play last Saturday night although ma Julie says it woz coz I drank a bottle of Dan Jackiels and had about 6 spliffs. I fink it woz coz me Julie isn't very subtractive now in fact she's a dog.
Elton John: I think you're Julie was right - it takes one to know one.
Ali G: Wot, is you saying me Julie is a batty boy? Nah, the bitch won't take it up the exit hole, I've tried slipping it in a few times. Happarently Julie is too nice a girl for batty sex but she's not too nice for a threesome wiv me mate Dave - it woz wicked!
Elton John: Well a lot of women are not keen on anal sex just as I know some gay men who are not keen on it either. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to like it - there are other ways to express yourself sexually with another man.
Ali G: Eh? Like fellatilatio you mean or gaelic.
Elton John: Gaelic?
Ali G: Aiih, gaelic. When batty boys lick each other.
Elton John: Sure, oral sex is one way of pleasing a lover but sensual massage can be very enjoyable for example.
Ali G: But dat is a bit rank innit - ah mean you need to lose you're orange juice or what is da point? Anyways enough talk about homosapiens - I hear dat you spend killions of dosh every year on shopping. Is dat because you is a feminist?
Elton John: I do spend a lot of money on shopping yes but I wouldn't describe myself as a feminist.
Ali G: But I thought dat all gay people were feminists?
Elton John: Eh?
Ali G: Chill. Anyway, is you related to dat lefty comedian Ben Elton cause I fink he is rank.
Elton John: No, I told you before my name is Elton John and not John Elton.
Ali G: Cool, woz your parents spaced out when dey named you?
Elton John: No, that's not my real name but my stage name. Many performers change their names to try to sound more appealing to the public. Take Gary Glitter for example, his name is really Paul Gadd - can you imagine the same guy selling so many records as Paul Gadd or me as Reg Dwight.
Ali G: Nah, but I can imagine him taking some poor kiddies up the Gary Glitter coz he's a paedovile innit. Anyways, talkin of sickos - how's yer mate George Michael - I would never let my son go down on him the preverted bastard.
Elton John: OK so George made a mistake - anyway I thought you said enough of the gay talk. I'd much rather you concentrated on another aspect of me.
Ali G: Me know what you is saying, sorry Mr Elton. OK then, does you not fink dat you looks rank wearing a wig? Ah mean you looked a total dick in the seventies wiv da shades but everyone looked like dicks in da seventies.
Elton John: If you're going to insult me any more I will walk out of the interview - I can put up with a lot but you're going too far.
Ali G: Chill Johnny, no offence. OK - you re-wrote dat Candle in the Wind song when Princess Di got wasted, do you fink she was incinerated by da SAS on da Queens orders or do you fink it woz just down to dat pissed French cunt.
Elton John: Really Ali, Princess Diana was a very dear personal friend of mine whom I loved very much - I don't want to discuss it.
Ali G: You loved her, but how could you if you is a batty boy? Is she a femisist or somefink?
Elton John: (Elton leaves the room)
Ali G: Nil respect to da menstral batty boy of pop - some people is just too sensidine. It must be all da years hangin wiv da homosapiens and havin his batty bashed. Anyways I is off for some erbal remedy wiv me boyz westside. Boyakasha.
25-
Ali G interview with Liz Hurley
This is allegedly a never transmitted interview from the series. It may or may not be, but it's pretty funny.
Ali: I is ere wid none udder than the women who starred in 57 passengers in a plane wid a black man wid a gun and International man of stupidness Austin Powerless, Liz Hurley. Good afternoon.
Liz: Afternoon.
Ali: Now Liz you is a big time porn star is you no?
Liz: No I am not.
Ali: But is not you da one that did suck off Hugh Grant in the back of the car.
Liz: No it was not.
Ali: So you is denying it then.
Liz: Denying what.
Ali: Getting your gums around Hugh's plums.
Liz: Well I can't really deny it because he is actually my boyfriend.
Ali: So let me get this right you suck him off because you didn't want to let off the punani but you was bored of the house so you did it in the car?
Liz: No it wasn't me it was a prostitute.
Ali: And you was watching yes?
Liz: No I found out about it in the press.
Ali: Did you pay for the prostitute as a present for him because you'd been to the dentist and the painters was in?
Liz: NO! Hugh had his reasons for doing what he did, he said sorry and he is now behaving himself.
Ali: But is it true that he has been married 4 times and died once all in 2 and a half hours?
Liz: No that was the film that made him famous, it was called 4 weddings and a funeral.
Ali: Now I's have never met him personally but no disrespect true he's your boyfriend and all that plus he pays for it which must be cool for you especially when the pennies are low - but I heard he is minging.
Liz: What's minging?
Ali: You know - not saying much, ugly as a women sumo wid a beard.
Liz: No No No Hugh is very charming.
Ali: He can't be that charming.
Liz: Why.
Ali: Well I know I is not that charming but I've never had to pay for punani except for the time I had to take me Julie to Kentucky because she can't do it on a empty stomach.
Liz: What is Punani, is it some type of food.
Ali: Fi reel.
Liz: Well.
Ali: You can describe it like that but you would have to tell people not to chew it cos dat could be painful and if I was hungry and you offered me your punani I would be a lucky man.
Liz: Is it an exotic fruit.
Ali: Not really although the exotic ones can be better, anyway getting back to you. You was famous once no?
Liz: Well I would like to still be considered famous I hope.
Ali: Yeah but you was famous for that dress yes!
Liz: Which one - There's been quite a few.
Ali: The one where you was accepting the music award, the one wid the union jack all over it.
Liz: I don't own a union jack dress.
Ali: C'mon Liz the whole world saw you drop the melons on telly.
Liz: You have me confused with someone else.
Ali: You is not in the spice girls?
Liz: NO!
Ali: Why not.
Liz: I'm just not.
Ali: But didn't they kick out Geri so you could step in.
Liz: No they did not and anyway I cannot sing.
Ali: Don't matter at least it don't seem that way.
Liz: I am not in the spice girls, although I do like their music.
Ali: Anyway I muss say thank you to the one like Liz for her time and let you people know that it is OK for you to pay for your boyfriend to be sucked off in the back of de car and you can get famous for wearing dresses that don't fit and that the spice girls can't sing. This is Ali G bringing you the flavour straight from Liz Hurley's punani. Nuff respect.
26-
Ali G interview with David and Victoria Beckham for Comic Relief.
(Ali takes to the lavish set clad in burgundy leather shell-suit and trademark shades and cap. Dry ice rises up around him he turns his back to the camera to strike a pose, proudly displaying the glittering slogan SAVE AFRICA across his back; just above a map of Italy.)
ALI: (Scratching his invisible decks) C-C-COMIC...whoop... C-C-COMIC...whooop... C-C-COMIC-REE-RELIEF... AFFRRRRICAAA! Hear me now!! You is probably thinking why is Ali doing comic relief, well me not only agreed to do it cos me thought me was gonna get a free trip to see me brothers in Africa; and while me was there maybe score someting. Now check dis - Africa ain't just the country that gave us Bob Marley. I seen some documentaries about it and there's some terrible images dat's been left in me mind. Especially tribes women with well droopy tits all swingin' - one babylon there and one tombola down there. With your help we can stop these shocking things now. A donation of just £5 will buy these people a bra, whilst a donation of thousands might just be enough for a tit job. But if you people out there can't really be arsed to give over your cash money, you probably think 'I well sorry for me brethren out there and all dat, but me worked well 'ard for me dollars and me ain't giving it to no-one, especially dem lot sitting on their battys in the sun. Twenty quid's probably enough for a whole year's supply of fresh water for some African geezer but it's enough to get me an eighth of skunk. Check dis! Friday night there's gonna be a lot of people who ain't in, so why not drive over to their houses. Get in through a window and make a donation on their behalf! Don't go nicking stuff on any other night, cos in some circumstances, theft can be illegal. By the way, if you do make a donation, I personally guarantee that not a penny of the money that you send to Lenny Henry will go towards feeding his missus. Now really big it up for me guests tonight - every boy wants to be in his boots and every man wants to be in his missus. Big up for none other than Victoria and David Beckham!
(David and Victoria appear)
ALI: (To Beckham) "Now, just because its comic relief doesn't mean you can speak in a silly voice. (To both) Now where did you two meet?
VICTORIA: We met at the football.
ALI: Now Beckham, what did you think of the Spice Girls before that?
BECKHAM: Erm...(bashful mumble)
ALI: For real! So had you already seen a picture of her and knocked one out?
BECKHAM: What?
ALI: What about that picture of her in the black pants with the slit in her dress that come up well high? Apparently that picture if you look really close you can actually see a tiny bit of camel tuft... Now B, what's it like actually going out with Posh? It must be amazing going out with a Spice Girl, but in an ideal world and - no disrespect to your bitch - in an ideal world wouldn't you rather be with Baby?
BECKHAM: No!
ALI: Why did you get married? Was it...
VICTORIA: Are you going to propose to your Julie?
ALI: Has she been speaking to you before?
VICTORIA: (Motioning backstage) Out there she was saying: "You've got to get him to propose to me."
ALI: That's why she's out there. I heard that you two got married for the extra benefits - is that true? You thought with a little nipper coming along you'd get a little bit more cash?
VICTORIA: Well that probably had something to do with it.
ALI: So what does you two do together on a night in?
VICTORIA: We're pretty normal. We like sort of getting in and you know, watching a video, a take-away, that kind of thing - your video actually!
ALI: Aiii, for real! Now, does you go to watch him play football?
VICTORIA: Yeah I do. Whenever I can. I like watching him play.
ALI: Now there's a really insulting song that they sing about you. Have you heard it? What is the words?
VICTORIA: I can't repeat that really, it's pretty insulting.
ALI: But have you heard it?
BECKHAM: No I haven't heard it.
VICTORIA: Well what is it?
ALI: Well I heard something, is it about you... taking... it....up...?
VICTORIA: Oh yeah, yeah, ok... It's Posh Spice... (leans forward and silently mouths "takes it up the arse")
ALI: (loudly) So you take it up the arse!
VICTORIA: No!
ALI: That ain't an insult, that is the biggest compliment you can get!
VICTORIA: You're just saying that cos you're a bit of a batty boy yourself.
ALI: You is crossing dangerous territory! All I can say is that I wish they would sing that about me Julie. Nah but serious, do you take it up the arse?
VICTORIA: Of course I don't.
ALI: (to Beckham) So you telling me you ain't never been caught offside?
BECKHAM: No!
ALI: Cos I heard you was well good at getting round the back and bending your balls in.
VICTORIA: That's the way he bends it, I have to say!
ALI: Little bit of a different vibe to Parkinson, eh! Now Beckham... You play football yeah, is it sometimes embarrassing having a shower next to all them reeeally big men?
BECKHAM: No cos I'm one of them.
ALI: Now before you go into the showers, so you ain't embarrassed, do you sometimes give yourself a semi?
BECKHAM: No I don't.
ALI: Not even a bit of a shake? Or other things that would work? So who is the biggest in the shower?
BECKHAM: I can't say that.
ALI: Then who is the smallest?
BECKHAM: (laughs) I...
VICTORIA: I think you look pretty small sitting from here so you better get it out!
ALI: I don't wanna say this, but it's so big that the BBC wouldn't allow me to get it out, because it's so big - even if you've got widescreen. (To Victoria) Can you get him to get it out? (Turning to a blushing Beckham) For Comic Relief - will... you... get it out? For charity!
BECKHAM: Not even for charity! I'm sorry.
ALI: Now Beckham, does you reckon the better the footballer you is, the fitter the girl you go out with?
BECKHAM: Yes!
ALI: You is the best at football, ya know. So you get Posh. So does Sporty Spice go out with someone from Scunthorpe United?
VICTORIA: Oi! That's my friend and she's lovely.
ALI: Exactly! Why? Is you tryin' to say Scunthorpe is not a good team? (Crowd goes wild) Mind you I heard a rumour she goes out with someone from a netball team. Aiiiight! I'd like to watch dat! You has got a little nipper. Do you reckon you is good parents?
VICTORIA: Yes I think so.
ALI: So when did you teach him to roll his first spliff?
VICTORIA: I would never teach him that.
ALI: : Why not? You should never deny a kid education.
VICTORIA: Education?
ALI: : Alright lets not get into the discussion. So, what's he called?
VICTORIA: Brooklyn.
ALI: How d'you come up with that name?
VICTORIA: Well, we found out that I was pregnant while I was on tour in America and we was in Brooklyn at the time.
ALI: For real? So has you actually done it there?
VICTORIA: No we didn't do it there, we did it in Denmark, if you really want to know.
ALI: How come you didn't call him Denmark?
VICTORIA: It didn't have the same kind of, you know...
ALI: That would be a well good idea though what, cos if me and me Julie had a kid, we'd call him Langley Village. His full name would be "The bogs in KFC in Langley Village!" So tell me, does Brooklyn like your music, or is he getting a bit old for it now?
VICTORIA: Well yeah, he does like music, he jigs about and dances. He's also into football as well, so it's nice.
ALI: Respect, respect. So how old is Brooklyn now?
VICTORIA: He's nearly two.
ALI: So tell me, is your little boy starting to put whole sentences together?
VICTORIA: He's learning the bits and pieces, so yeah.
ALI: And what about Brooklyn? (Huge roar from audience) Is you all contented he'll grow up to be a normal kid?
VICTORIA: Brooklyn?
ALI: For real.
VICTORIA: Yeah. Yeah I think so, I mean obviously it's going to be difficult for him, but um...
ALI: Cos he is called Brooklyn?
VICTORIA: You're called Ali and that's girl's name - do you find it difficult?
ALI: is very much a boy's name!
VICTORIA: But you know, I think we will kind of bring him up as normal as we can.
ALI: So tell me, do you want him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, or a singer - like Mariah Carey?
VICTORIA: Yeah, I'd like him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, and I'd like to grow up to be a singer like Mariah Carey!
ALI: Now Posh, I know a lot of people will laugh at this, but is you really posh?
VICTORIA: I'm not, I got that name because I'd just started as a Spice Girl, you know, Emma was dressed like a baby, Mel C was sporty and I'm like, nice clothes and so I got called Posh, but I'm not really.
ALI: Me heard you was so Posh that you had to be got married before you was pregnant.
VICTORIA: No I didn't.
ALI: But before it came up (mimes a bump).
VICTORIA: I got pregnant?
ALI: Before? Or was it after?
VICTORIA: I got married after I had a baby.
ALI: Respects! It's wrong to do it before. What do you think it is that makes a girl posh?
VICTORIA: I don't know, I mean what makes anybody posh. I don't know I'm not really posh. I just like wearing nice clothes and going to nice restaurants and that's how I got called posh. You're pretty posh with all your gold on and all your glitter.
ALI: For real - Ali! Ali -lee Posh! Me always feel that a posh girl was one that won't go all the way on the first night. You know, only gives you the top half. (Turning to Beckham) So tell me exactly how posh was she on the first night?
BECKHAM: She was posh for about four months.
ALI: Four months? I tell you, me Julie started off well posh, but after about half an hour, she was well common! Now David, if I can call you that, cos I never met you before, David, they say posh people talk like they've got a plum in their mouth. Does your missus sound posh when she's got your plums in her mouth? (Crowd erupts and Beckham chokes with laughter) What was you coughing up then? Ahh, you were trying to communicate something then to me, I think (does 'psychic look' as he touches his temples).
VICTORIA: He was gonna say that you're not actually meant to speak when you've got your mouth full so you wouldn't actually have that problem.
ALI: Respect! So you say you have to have manners whatever you're doing? Now you is well rich right?
VICTORIA: Yep!
ALI: Respect! How big is your house?
VICTORIA: It's a nice house, it's nice, it's a big house. But it's a very family, you know, very nice family house.
ALI: You actually got a spare bedroom and everything?
VICTORIA: Yes.
ALI: Is you so rich that sometimes you got someone to cook your meals?
VICTORIA: Nah.
BECKHAM: I do that.
VICTORIA: David's a good cook.
ALI: Alright, for real! But what if right, will you donate a million quid to charity?
VICTORIA: No.
BECKHAM: We can't do that.
VICTORIA: We thought we'd do what you said earlier and break into someone's house for Comic Relief.
ALI: What about breaking into your own house?
VICTORIA: Nothing to nick in our house.
ALI: Come on Beckham, will you do it?
BECKHAM: No!
ALI: Come on, don't be stingy. There's brothers out there dying and shit... come on! That's like a weeks work for you.
VICTORIA: I've got an idea...
BECKHAM: We don't earn as much as everyone thinks. To donate a million pounds would be very hard for us.
VICTORIA: I've got an idea what you can do for Comic Relief, right. Why don't you take your hat off and show the audience how long your hair's got, then shave it off for Comic Relief!
ALI: I cannot take my hat off - my dreads will be everywhere. It's like the Tardis in here! So much dreads that have been stuck in here. It cannot be taken off seriously. So... they is some people who suddenly get loads of money who become very tasteless. How has you two managed to avoid that?
VICTORIA: I don't know, I'm sure we're wearing things that some people look at and think they are tasteless.
ALI: No. (to audience) They is looking well nice and that, what? Very nice with the, er... thing on the top. And that is made out of leather. Is that real leather? (goes to feel her chest).
VICTORIA: Yes.
ALI: That's nice. And nice boots. (To Beckham) But you ain't got a vest on and you know your belly button is showing.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah and he needs cufflinks as well!
ALI: (not impressed) You what?
MAN IN AUDIENCE: He needs some cufflinks!
ALI: Are you on crack? (To Beckham) Sorry about that. I think a lot of people who have just got rich go out and spend their money recklessly on things like investments and their kids' education when they could more wisely buy stuff that will always be valuable like very trendy clothes, holidays and haircuts? You agree?
VICTORIA: Exactly!
ALI: Respect! Now there is rumours that you used to suffer from an eating disorder. Tell me, was you actually dyslexic?
VICTORIA: I've never actually been dyslexic and I've never actually been anorexic either, so that's just rumours.
ALI: Is you hoping to put on more weight, I mean obviously you don't want to go as far as Sporty Spice.
VICTORIA: I think my friend looks lovely and I think it's a shame how nowadays people do judge you so much by how much you weigh and what you look like. Any woman knows women's weight goes up and down...
ALI: For real.
VICTORIA: ...Same as blokes do really. The thing is that the media make too much issue of it.
ALI: that is true. And me wanna say that for the ladies out there, increase your batty crease, you know. Pump up your rump! Put your rocks in your buttocks... that one didn't work quite as well!! But you know what I'm saying.
VICTORIA: I know what you're saying.
ALI: It's good to hold on to some serious bit of flesh. Isn't that right? Now Beckham, you is well handsome, you know, I ain't being batty or whatever. So this may be a difficult question to answer, but does you shag around a lot?
BECKHAM: No I don't sleep around a lot.
ALI: Oh right, so just a bit?
BECKHAM: No, not at all.
ALI: Now has you lot ever been to Staines?
VICTORIA: No I've never been to Staines, is it nice?
ALI: It is the most beautiful place! But how's about tomorrow night, you both come round me gaff, after about nine, cos that's when me nan goes to bed. You up for that?
VICTORIA: Yeah.
ALI: Then we'll get me Julie round, we could eat something, maybe some Angel Delight, get a little bit lashed and we'll have a bath, would you be up for that?
VICTORIA: Might not fit in the bath if you're as big as you reckon mate hey!
ALI: Respect. Tell you what, so come on, we could all get jiggy - have a four header! You'd be well into that what - all headers and volleys aiiight!
VICTORIA: No, I don't think so.
ALI: Oohhh, 'Posh' Spice. Now you was in a band called the Spice Girls right. What ever happened to them?
VICTORIA: The Spice Girls at the moment, you know, have all got solo careers that we're working on. We've all got families though we're still the Spice Girls and we've got an album out at the moment. But we're working on our own thing.
ALI: Well we love the Spice Girls, we love dat track what, "Never ever have I ever..." (breaking into All Saints) Sing along! Sing along!
VICTORIA: You like that?
ALI: That was bad enough, that was phat. So it must have been tough at the beginning though, it wasn't all successful to start with.
VICTORIA: That's the one thing about the Spice Girls - we worked really really hard, we had to work so hard.
ALI: There must have been times before you lot was loaded, when you had to share a hotel room together, just one little bed, probably didn't have enough money for proper blankets, or even pyjamas. You'd have to cuddle up close, all in the bath with one sponge...
VICTORIA: It wasn't anything like that, I'm really sorry.
ALI: But me bet the pizza boy come round and sometimes you didn't have the cash, and you gotta pay for it somehow. And then you got to pay for the washing machine and you don't have the money for that, and then the Hoover geezer comes and you've used the Hoover and all that.
VICTORIA: No, I'm sorry.
ALI: What, not even the Hoover? Ok, let's talk about a bit of this, right - there is a lot of stuff linking the Spice Girls with the occult and devil worship.
VICTORIA: What's that?
ALI: Well you know, devils they're like nasty peoples, you know...
VICTORIA: Yeah I know, but what are the people who worship them, what are they called?
ALI: The Occult. Me mate Dave played one of your records backwards, and it sounded loads better.
VICTORIA: Are you sure that was the Spice Girls and not (mouths) All Saints?
ALI: And not...?
VICTORIA: (Laughing) So you reckon they sounded better?
ALI: For real. There is something real going on there, what! (To Beckham) Now you is being real quiet there in the corner. Now don't think, I mean, now this ain't like a classroom where if you keep your head down, I won't ask you questions. You sitting there like, you know, I seen you hiding behind that lady! Now why do you think you is a pin-up for so many gaylords? I'm not gonna call them batty boys now cos me is politically correct. I mean just because you wear skirts, have a suntan and a skinhead, talk like a girl and hang out with Elton John. So how does it feel about being the picture for batty men?
BECKHAM: You tell me.
ALI: I don't know how you feels.
VICTORIA: That's cos you're a batty man yourself anyway.
ALI: Lucky I ain't carrying me Uzis on me. Now you know like you two are copying each other, like when he has a tattoo, you have a tattoo; when you do a book signing, he does a book signing. So tell me, when he shaved off all his hair, did you do the same?
VICTORIA: No, I didn't shave off all my hair.
ALI: Is that true Beckham?
BECKHAM: Course it is.
ALI: (To Victoria) Now seriously now, me heard you recently had a disease of the head call Mingingitus.
VICTORIA: I had viral meningitis
ALI: That is well bad, so did Sporty catch the Mingingitus? I heard she got it well bad. I heard she got a bad case of it.
VICTORIA: Nobody else got meningitis, only me.
ALI: For real. Now what's it like being such a famous couple.
VICTORIA: Well you know, we're just like any couple, David you know, gets on with his football and I get on with my singing.
ALI: Are the press always trying to take pictures of you? Does you have a lot of trouble with the Pepperami?
VICTORIA: Yeah I mean, well obviously we do get a certain amount of press trying to take photos of us, but you know, we keep to ourselves when we can.
ALI: Beckham, you must have been well heavy when you saw them pictures in OK! of you making spaghetti in you kitchen what? I mean, how did they get in there? They must got decent lenses, they got you when you were looking right into them.
BECKHAM: No, that was an organised shoot, but some of the others are not looking at the camera.
ALI: (To Beckham in a loosely buttoned shirt) Do you know that your belly button is showing?
VICTORIA: I think it looks nice. Don't you?
ALI: (to Beckham) Well, if I had to do it with a man, it might as well be you! Like, if someone said dey was gonna nuke the whole of Staines, unless you, you know, ball Beckham... It's Staines man, you know, like me Nan as well. But you to me, right! If you had to ball a man, who would it be?
BECKHAM: Ummmm, probably you!
ALI: You can only say that when you is so confident about your sexuality. So now, Beckham, lets talk about fashion? We has all seen pictures of you wearing clothes that was well embarrassing and make you proper laughing stock! Why do you wear that England football shirt?
BECKHAM: I don't think it's embarrassing, I'm very proud.
VICTORIA: Be patriotic for goodness sake.
ALI: I is, listen, if Jamaica's playing...(to Beckham) Do you hope one day to play for America?
BECKHAM: I'm very proud to play for England, do you know what I mean. The results haven't really been very good over the last year or two, but...
ALI: Keeping on the fashion... what's the name of that dress that you wore?
BECKHAM: Sarong.
ALI: Yeah I know it was so wrong.
VICTORIA: Didn't you like it?
ALI: Yeah I do, (to Beckham) But has Posh ever said to you, don't stick it up there, that sarong one?
BECKHAM: No she's never ever said that to me.
ALI: Now me gotta say, the obvious thing for the rest of the audience here and the country, is that we would love to see you to ball each other. How's about right now for Comic Relief?
VICTORIA: I'm posh, I don't do that kind of thing!
ALI: Come on, let's see your red nose. You ain't doin' it?
VICTORIA: Why don't you get your Julie out here and you know, you...?
ALI: (To Beckham) Can I ball your missus?
BECKHAM: No.
ALI: (To Beckham) Can I ball you?
VICTORIA: Course you can.
ALI: Somehow I don't think the BBC would allow that to go on the telly - me going into your danger area. Anyway, we just wanna say good luck with everything - being parents, being the footballer, being the singer. Respect to both of you for coming along. You both is looking fine! I gotta say, Please! Big it up for the main couple in England - Posh And Becks!
27-
The Ali G Dictionary
A
Aight - Alright
Alo - Hello
Asian - Agent
B
Batty - bottom
Batty boyz - Gays
Batty Milk - Asses milk
Bangin - talking
Bedebynow - Greeting
Me Boyz - my mates
Big Up - Well done/cheers
Bitch - women
Boka - The sound it makes when you kill someone, and the title of Ali's new film.
Boyakasha! - er boyakasha!?
Boh - Greeting
Bone - have sexual intercourse
Bruvers - coloured people
C
Cheeky little lady - A woman who looks like theyve just been boned
Chikun - Chicken
Crew - small gang
Cunt - Nasty word for female Genitalia
Chocolate orange - Clockwork Orange
Chill - relax
Check dis - Look at this
D/E
East Staines Massive - Arch enemey of Ali's massive
Exit hole - Arse hole
F
Flange - female genitalia
Feminism - lesbianism
for real - Really
Flour - Da smallest fing in the universe
G
Gaelic - a man who sleeps with another man and lick (you know what dat is)
H
Hear me now - Listen to me
Hactually - Actually
Happarently - Apparently
Hash - erbal remedy
hang - relax
Homosexuals - Homosapeans
I
I is ere - I am here
Innit - Isnt it
Increase da Peace - Stop bruvers killin bruvers
J
Julie - Ali's Woman
Jesus - Jacky Chan
Jiggy - have sexual intercourse
K
Killion- biggest number in the world
L
Let it rip - take it away
M
Massive - large gang
Main man/woman - friend
Menstral - Angry
Minigin - Ugly
Minger - Nice personality but as a face like a rotweiller's arse
Muff - female genitalia
Minge - female genitalia
Muslims - Protestants
Mr biggy - Male Genitalia
N
Natterin - talking
Nobbin - Having sexual intercourse
O
Orange Juice - Spunk
P/Q
Punani - Female Genitalia
R
Rank - Nasty
Ruk - Fight
Ramadamadingdong - Ramadam
Racialist - Discriminatoin
Recognize - Greeting
RAC - RUC
Respect - compliment
S
Sensemleia- erbal remedy
Skunk - erbal remady
Splif - erbal remedy
Shout out - congratulate
T
Trisexual - someone who will try anything sexual
Ting - things
Terrerorism - Terrorism
Toker - Someone who smokes da ganga
Turf - Land owned by gang
U/V
Vagina - orrible word
W
Westside - west part of Staines
West Staines Massive - Ali's massive
Wales - The fish with the biggest dick in ocean
Warrior - Male Genitalia
28-
Ali G Goes Ivy League
2004 Harvard University Commencement Speech
"Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv I iz done a capital 'H', coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain't no ignoranus. Things like 'apple' and 'orange' do not start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit.Me name be Ali G and me represent de UK. For those of u who didn't study geography de UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, de capital of it is? Anyone? Not u geography square! ....yes, it is Liverpool. U iz clever and quite fly if u don't mind me
sayin.
First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren't totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.
Checkit, me agreed to speak here today coz me wanted to talk to de brightest minds of our generation, to see what makes Harvard de most special university in de world, and also coz dey agreed to pay for me flight over here and hotel room. Sorry to bring dis up now, but when u iz told dat your hotel bill is bein paid for, u naturally assume dat dat includes essential extras like breakfast AND special interest pay-per-view movies. Imagine my surprise den dis morning, when I was given a bill for $164. Me was actually tryin to SAVE Harvard money by buying the 24-hour 'slutfest' packages at $19.99, rather dan paying for individual films at $11.99 each. Which would have cost u - [go thru them] Young and Tight....Backdoor Burglar 2......Backdoor Burglar 3.....Campus Confessions....Asian Fever...Shaven Buffet [get lost] twice dat one... Cold Mountain - dat was a mistake, Backdoor Burglar 4 ....almost 490 bucks. I mean come on, some of it was even research for dis, I iz sure one of de cheerleaders in 'Ivy League Amateurs' was wearin a Harvard sweatshirt.....infact allo darlin, respek - I expect u need a cushion to sit on,
aiii.
Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arksed ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, George Clinton was also ere I fink , and de one before him, and also...William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me'd love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me's got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de
tv.
As I stand here today lookin at all of you, on this, your first day of university - I fink of all de fings me can offer you - wisdom, experience but most importantly of all 22 ounces of de finest Morrocan chronic. Well, Dat iz if de Ex-Lax works - to be honest I usually go at 11 in de morning - but nothing dere - infact me'd appreciate it if one medical students here wouldn't mind takin a look. Don't worry it's clean as a whistle, u could eat your lunch of it - infact meJulie has. I know u don't mind dat kind of fing does u.
Hearmenow, u iz de most cleverest students in America - some of u iz probably brilliant at counting - ye know...1,2,3...4.... I could continue...easy. Others of u will be brilliant at English - have memorised de whole alphabet 'a to x' and even be able to spell words like
'hippototamus'.
I iz also well clever - me was so brainy dat me finished me education 6 years before any of u - at de age of 15 - de teachers had to admit dat dere was nothing else dat dem could teach me. U students has come from every corner of de US from de rainforests of Arizona to de deserts of Alaska. Some of you iz probably never even seen a black man before.......allo
Dere is all types of people ere, and it's fantastic to see dat Harvard has finally let in so many women. A lot of u iz probably feminists or as we call dem in England 'lezzas'. I agree wiv u, dat u gotta treat women wiv respec - its de least dat bitches deserve.
Relationships should be brought into dis -de 20th centrury - u women out dere shouldn't have to do de cookin and de cleanin when u come home from work - u should do it before u leave in de morning.
But more importantly it's wikid dat in Harvard young women and men gets to learn so many amazing subjects.
Some of u here will have been studying medicine...dat knowledge come wiv a lot of responsibilities. Remember, doctors is some of de most powerfulest people in de world - u can give life, u can cure disease and u can ask to see a woman's [whistle] wivout getting slapped.
For those of u studying history, u probably learnt a lot about de Presidents. Like who was Jefferson, and what did Lincoln give America - apart from de town car.
Some of u iz de best legal students in de country. U would know wivout even thinking, how to get someone off a charge of possession. And if any of u do, then can me remind u - Room 204 at the Best Western. Just do me a favour put your ear to de door, and don't come in if u hears me shouting 'Natalie, play wiv me light
saber'.
Let's talk about de finances of all dat knowledge dat's been dropped on u. It costs $38,000 a year to go to Harvard. Now I don't know how u lot has earnt dat - apart from u - and u iz earnt every penny, but most of u iz got dat cash from your parents.
All you fathers out dere u iz made choices - wiv dat money u could have bought top of de range Lexus but instead u chose to invest in ya kids future. IZ U MENTAL? If u iz got other kids me hopes u don't make de same mistake again innit. Does u realise how many honeys u can get wiv a Lex. 'allo sweetness my son's got a Harvard degree' [FEMALE VOICE] 'wot, who cares'
Or allo darlin, wanna check out de dvd player in de back aiii.' [her] 'wot's dat?' [me] 'it's ostrich leather' So students give it up for your parents.
Let's talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment. Unfortunately most of u WILL end up gettin jobs - especially now u iz got de burden of a degree.
You iz de elite, u will be tomorrow's captains of industry. Sittin infront of me is probly da next Bill Gates, Donald Trump...or even Ronald Mcdonald. And even if you can't all be Ronald himself, most of you iz probably McDonald's Team Leader material. By da way, if any of u ever gets to do business wiv Sir Ronald, a word of hadvice - don't mention de size of his feet....him iz well sensitive about it. Me mate Dave hactually met him, and he said dat even tho him may seem like he's always smiling, dere's a sadness in de eyes...coz of dem feet. All de money in de world - and science still can't do nothing. Maybe dat's something dat some of u M.I.T. nerds can fink about
innit.
You lot will become powerful people who can change de future - and you need to, coz de world at de moment iz totally f-blank-blank-blank-ucked. Yeknow de word - I been told I ain't allowed to say it - u know - u know de rude word. U know U definitely know...wiv de whole team.
Anyhow, u iz gotta fink bout de problems in de world coz u iz gotta sort dem out innit. Look at da envirolment - global warming is so bad, dey say in 100 years time, all de rainforests will be gone and all de ice caps will have melted. Actually, 100 years time, we ain't gonna be around den, so don't need to worry about dat one.
But dere is other fings - look at de state of family today - girls is havin sex at younger ages, dere's an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin affairs - but we shouldn't just concentrate on de good fings.Believing in something is easy. Actually doing something is harder. Actions speak louder dan birds.
U has all got de potential to become great americans. And remember America is de greatest country in de whole world ...apart from Jamaica...and Holland.. oh yeah and Thailand coz u got dose girls who do all de ye know and probly some others - but u iz definitely in de top 20.?U people iz de future, u has de chance to change de world, to hactually improve de life of de poor, OR U could goto Wall Street and earn millionz - get plasma screen, chinchilla coat, a series of relationships wiv gold-digging hoes happy to de de most disgusting sexual favours for some bling. Don't waste de opportunity dat g-d has given you - see u in Wall Street.
Let's rap dis up now, coz I fink me feels somethin movin down below. So, what iz I hopin to take away wiv me from dis time in Harvard?
- new friends, different ways of finking about de world, and as many laptops as me mate Dave has managed to nick from your dorms, while u has been sitting ere listening to me stalling.
But I has got ideals too. Just like de great civil rights leader Martin Luther...Van Dross, I has a dream...of little black girls and little white girls...playin wiv each other. Let's make it happen I look out and I see 1000s of people wiv different hopes and different dreams - but it is important never to forget where u all came from - becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all come from de same place - de punani. Jah bless - bigupyaself Princeton...and keep it real...
wesside."
29-
Borat barred from White House Fri Sep 29 2006
Borat, the fictional anti-Semitic TV reporter from Kazakhstan, has been refused entry to the White House.
Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy character had been planning to invite the US President to a screening of his upcoming movie, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
Baron Cohen's stunt was timed to coincide with an official visit by Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev.
Mr Nazarbayev has sought to raise the profile of the oil-rich former Soviet republic and assure the West that, contrary to Borat's claims, their country is not a nation of drunken anti-Semites who treat their women worse than their donkeys.
Baron Cohen's character has angered Kazakh officials who feel people might see him as a real representation of the country. They have run ads on US TV and in magazines to try and control their image.
But Borat denounced the publicity campaign as "disgusting fabrications" orchestrated by neighbouring Uzbekistan.
"If there is one more item of Uzbek propaganda claiming that we do not drink fermented horse urine, give death penalty for baking bagels, or export over 300 tonnes of human pubis per year, then we will be left with no alternative but to commence bombardment of their cities with our catapults," Borat said.
Baron Cohen, 35, who is Jewish, recently co-starred in the recent US box office hit Talladega Nights and has appeared in TV comedy series Da Ali G Show.
His Borat comedy routine has drawn legal threats from the Kazakh government which keeps a tight lid on criticism in its news media.
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