Filthy Jokes for Adults with a Sense of Fun
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Last Update:
July 3, 2009- (10 jokes added - now 13,180 funny and filthy jokes)
July 3
4 days of record-breaking sales, empty shelves in stores, plans for more
follow-up albums, accolades from everyone in the music industry...........
Good career move Michael.
Every time I look at internet porn, I get an annoying pop up.
A Protestant man from Belfast is told his wife has died. He goes to place an announcement in the paper and is told it costs £5 for 3 words. He only has £5 so he puts in "Cathy is dead." They feel sorry for him and offer him another 3 words for free. He thinks for a minutes and says okay and puts in "Cathy is dead, fuck the pope!"
Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the
hospital.
First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the
IRS."
Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd
like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey?
And you being a nun, too!"
"Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His
constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays,
takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an
alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the
empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's
constipation!"
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit."
"I'll admit," said a lady called Barr,
"That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
A Few Notes for Golfers
Golf balls are like eggs ~ they're white. They're sold by the dozen ... and a
week later you have to buy more.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a
professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his
divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to
get up at 6:00 a. m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?
Golf is by far the ultimate love /hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as
though your cup runneth and moveth over.
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other
hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while
performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a
lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping
out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he
probably shot an eight.
You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do
just fine!
Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability
to count past the number 5.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about
which fairway.
If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play
better.
The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent's
club as he hurls it across the fairway.
A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get
plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a
doctor is always nearby.
There were three gals who were getting married and all
met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were
going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and
all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what type of
birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.'
'That will work,' said the counsellor, 'if you keep a good record.'
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth
control pills,' she said.
Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her
that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific
date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the
farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what
method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and,
well here I am, going to have a baby.'
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth
control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me
and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'
He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and
saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and
saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for
you?'
She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller
than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making
love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers..... I kick the
pail out from under him
July 2
I had an argument with my dad the other day and he said something really
hurtful.
He said “I wish you were never born!”
I was stunned
He then said “Thanks to you, your mother’s vagina is ruined!”
But I still think I got him back pretty good
I replied “that’s bullshit!.... I only do her up the arse”
The look on his face was priceless
Here's a little tip for the ladies,
instead of spending a fortune on cosmetics, just buy a bottle of whisky.
For a tenner, you can have a man with a bottle of scotch going, "God, you're
beautiful".
A farmer has to go out to plough his rental field about10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the ploughing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car." The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly. The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?" The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar, that's his asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."
Marina: "Do you ever miss the ex?"
Amy: "OH! All the time! You wouldn't believe how much!"
Marina: "Wow! I didn't think you cared about him at all."
Amy: "Wait a minute! Did you say 'ex' or 'sex'?"
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that," the host asked? Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ... anyone can!"
My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wondrously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a honey for beating a gong.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I always put "Doctor". What the fuck's my mother going to do?
Have you noticed from all those documentaries
about living with tourettes that they all have shit jobs.
Dear Mr McCarthy,
I recently read about the vacancy for Online Sales Executive on the CUUNNTT
Guardian jobs website and this position interests me DONKEY BOLLOCKS.
Please find enclosed my CV I WANNA SHAG YOUR SISTER, YOUR SISTERS CUUUNNNTT.
Please get back to me.
Ps I have tourettes.
CUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTT
On my home page of Facebook, I see they keep
announcing that it is now available in 57 languages.
So now everyone in Britain can use it.
June 26
Two small mice were crouched under a table in the chorus girls' dressing
room of a big Broadway show. "Wow," exclaimed the first mouse, "have you ever
seen so many gorgeous legs in your life?"
"Means nothing to me," said the second. "I'm a titmouse."
Mulligan's missus was big, fat and mean
A cruel and ugly man-killing machine
She's the type of woman you'd be looking for
If you wanted mercenaries for a guerrilla war
And if he came home from the pub after six
She'd beat him senseless with her thrashing stick
But he was too scared to leave the old bag
He was much too soft and used to wave the white flag
Well, me and the blokes, from down at the pub
We'd had about enough of the way he'd been clubbed
So we banded together, a vigilante team
And we kept him at the pub until seven-fifteen
We pinned him in the corner though he screamed and kicked
"She'll bash me bloody senseless with her thrashing stick!"
"Just have another beer, Bill, she'll be all right.
All of us blokes are gunna' take you home tonight"
So we piled into Darcy's Ute and hit the dirt track
Six clambered in the front and fourteen in the back
And Mulligan was cursin', and screaming he'd be killed
"Then she'll have to kill us all then" we reassured Bill
We pulled up at his house down on Jacaranda Drive
Parked the Ute and piled out and headed on inside
We up the pathway to the door, which opened swift and quick
And his missus came out screaming, and swinging that thrashing stick
She looked like a raging mallee bull, ready for the kill
We formed a human barricade in front of poor old Bill
"If you wanna beat your husband up, then you'll have to get on past us!"
"If that's the way it is," she said, "Take this, you pack of bastards!"
And into us she swung that stick, like Bradman with a bat
Old Jacko copped a hiding first and screamed like a dying cat
She thrashed and flogged the lot of us, half had up and run
So I staggered back to Darcy's Ute and grabbed his old shotgun
"Just put that bloody stick down now!", I shouted out to her
I'll pull this trigger flamin' quick, if'n you don't concur!"
She dropped the stick, I looked around, and saw I was alone
Everyone, 'cept Mulligan, had fled, through fear, back home
I went to pick that old stick up and break it right in half
But she moved not like a heifer, she moved more like a calf
And kicked me quickly in the guts and grabbed the old shotgun
Then said "Get out, you mongrel dog!" and shot me in the bum
Well, you've never seen a man move such, with buckshot in his bum
I near on broke the speed of light, as up the road I run
And the last thing I saw looking back was Mulligan on the ground
Being caned near dead with that big old stick that she'd been wielding 'round
Well the story of that night became a legend in our town
How Mulligan's old missus, knocked twenty of us down
And she's got a thriving business now, wouldn't it make you sick!
She opened a shop and sold our wives a bloody thrashing stick!
So the pub is rather quiet now I think we're still in shock
We have an alarm hooked to the bar, that goes off at six-o'clock
And all us blokes and Mulligan, go screaming for the door
For fear of having to face up to that thrashing stick once more!
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech
support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change
the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace
it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers
this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User:
I knew it! Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE. COM at the end of the CONFIG.
SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later. User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech
: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User : MS-DOS 6.22 . Tech : That's
your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact
Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how
it goes.
1 hour later. User : I need a new power supply. Tech support : How did you come
to that conclusion? User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you
said, and he started asking questions about the make of the power supply. Tech:
Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible
with NOSMOKE.
A six-family apartment burned down in London
. The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.
The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished. The Albanian family on the
fourth floor all perished. The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished.
The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.
However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor..
Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and
demanding from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen,
To which the Fire Chief replied ...
"They were all at work."
You can't beat the wisdom of old people!
Earlier on I was talking to my grandad about the BNP. I said, "What is it that
makes people hate like that?"
He said, "Poofs and blacks".
Why are Aussies so good at batting in
cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.
Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.
Just a thought...
If Jesus was born in Bethlehem and spent all his time in Nazareth, why were all
his disciples called 'John' and 'Mark' and 'Luke'?
Were they fucking gap year students or something? They're not very Jewish names
are they?
When I was a toddler, my parents would always
say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.
I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us
knew any French.
Welsh paedophiles.
Putting the Ddyfidd into kiddy fiddling.
June 25
The citizens of South Africa fall victim to a serious crime every 17 seconds
– a statistic that is nearly impossible to verify, as everyone in the country
has his or her watch stolen every 12 seconds.
63% of women don't climax during sex. 100% of men don't care
They've just brought out non-alcoholic
Cider...
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice.
When deaf people get drunk, do they slur their hands?
A coloured lady was picking in the
dumpster looking for cans when she came across an old bottle somebody tossed.
Thinking there might be a drop of two of hooch at the bottom, she took off the
lid. "You Have Released Me" cried out a genie as a puff of smoke wafted from the
bottle, "and in gratitude, I grant you 3 wishes".
The lady said "Dayamshizzle mo fo, I heardz bout you" and it didn't take her
long to think up her first wish. "First Wish, I wanna be White" she said,
followed by the genie proclaiming "and so you will be". A couple moments passed
and the woman comes out with "I wants me a job, a good job, a government job,
one that pays each week and gives me all kinds of benefits and has to be a
indoor job so I can come out of the cold".
Like the genie could see it coming, "So it shall be.. you will be secure with a
nice comfy government job". The genie then advised her "You have one final
wish". Humm, Humm, the woman went before coming out with a most unselfish
request "I want to give money to my family, my friends, my neighbours, I want
enough money to give money to everyone who asks for it". The genie proclaimed
"That's very thoughtful of you, and so shall it be!"
There was a massive encompassing cloud of smoke and then a huge thunderclap.
When the smoke began to clear the woman looked down at her hands, and they were
white. "Praise Be I'm White !" She announced.
She then looked around and it appeared she was in an office environment, "Praise
Be I Got a Job" she said with glee. The smoke cleared even further and she
recognized her relatives and some people she'd seen in the neighbourhood
standing before her looking at her really really eagerly.
"You Honkey Bitch", said a woman at the front of the line "My baby's need feedin,
so hurry your damn ass, this the slowest welfare office I ever been in."
At the height of a political corruption
trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he
bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his
Chinese neighbour whenever he met him
"How much is the flied lice today?"
The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and
decided to avoid the Greek owner. One day the Chinese owner decides to go for
speech lessons and after three months of intense learning decides to confront
the Greek with his new skill.
When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question " How much is
the flied lice?"
The Chinese replies confidently:
" It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!!!"
After eight days of backpacking, my wife and
I were looking pretty scruffy. She came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her hair
sticking out at odd angles.
She asked, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not
to charge?"
A sailor went off on the sea
To escape from a Bride-wanna-be;
But she jumped in her dingy
'Cause she missed his thingy -
She caught him and then there were three!
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV,
hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated
movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see
this."
"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network.
June 24
My ex-girlfriend was raped at the weekend. It has devastated us and cost us
our relationship.
Looking back, asking, "Did you enjoy it?" and, "Was he better than me?" were
probably not the most sensitive things I've ever said.
There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior
A witness to an car accident was
testifying.
Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
Witness: "Seven metres, three hundred and eighty millimeters."
Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how
you knew it was exactly that distance?"
Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it.
I knew some annoying arsehole lawyer would ask me that question."
Following the success of Childline
it has been announced that a similar new telephone service is to be created for
women affected by domestic violence.
Punchline.
I'm thinking about applying for a job
as a counsellor for sexually abused women. My wife warned me it would be a real
"box of tissues" job.
I agree.
I went to the zoo and a rhino tried to
charge me.
I told it to fuck off. I'm not paying twice.
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
Tonight's forecast:
Dark
I was walking to the shops the other day when i came across a shopping list
on the floor.
It had written on it:-
2 Eggs
1 Apple
50 Jews.
I thought fuck, this must be Schindler's list.
Two guys came knocking at my door once and
said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus."
I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"
June 23
What did Christopher Columbus say to his men before they got on the ship?
"Men, get on the ship"
X-Files fans. Create the effect of
being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka while in a gay bar.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had
your memory mysteriously erased and your arse probed.
As I sat in the living room my 5 year old
shouted at me from the back door.
'I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to
hear you, walk into the living room,' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'
My female friend asked me, "Do you think I
should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? Or will he not
care?"
I answered, "Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're
obliged to give him a blow-job."
She laughed and said, "Thanks, that's cheered me up a lot."
I modestly replied, "No problem. That'll be one blow-job please."
I used a ouija board to try and contact my late
grandfather
The glass jerked about a lot but made no intelligible words.
He hasn't changed!
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition
of : 'ASYLUM'.
Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting
competition:
Hop on a boat and win a Housing Commission HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream
homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The Australian Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid Australian Passport
and, you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a
week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers
at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone - buy a ticket to Indonesia and catch the
first available boat.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you need to do is destroy your papers or burn your boat.
Once you Enter Australian waters remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown
Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia’s gateway where agents were on hand to
fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation . They joined tens
of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia
.
Our popular destinations include Baxter’s Reef and the world famous Christmas
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an audience -
Apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors here
are waiting to help you. It won't cost you a cent. It could change your life
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Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists,
anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians,
Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas... all welcome
COME ON DOWN!
Get along to Indonesia Get along to the fishing ports Don't stop in Thailand or
Bali Go straight to Australia
And you are:
GUARANTEED to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game
on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'
FORWARD THIS TO EVERY AUSTRALIAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW!
How to Interpret Military Performance Reports
...
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).
A well-worn on dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyer belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, the Lutheran church....." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.
June 22
Judging by the pictures in the paper Madonna's chess set is coming along
nicely.
What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? . The wife
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'
McVities have honoured Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him and his F1 car on their new range of chocolate biscuits ' Wogon Wheels' will be on sale soon in all well known supermarkets.
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad
tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He
tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot,
he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and
I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train
getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop
swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little
Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the
tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up
little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell
backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked
toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."
The very snobbish wife was discussing the
subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the
rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never
entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a
dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get
in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her
employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. "I assume you want to get
him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.
"Of course," the woman replied.
"Then how about five more inches?"
I'm sure you've all heard about the
travelling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a
recent blizzard in North Dakota.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half
to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend
the night.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old
man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear
about in them thar jokes."
"Oh !" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is
it to the next house?"
There was a young lady of Bicester,
She was nicer by far than her sister;
The sister would giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty
bottles...
...which sounds a lot better than alcoholic.
June 19
I was checking my tax return form but I could not find the section for
claiming for a new TV or for the plumber to come and fix my leaking shower or
for a cleaner to hoover my carpets.
No, it’s definitely not on my tax form.
Ah I know, I’ve got a ‘working persons tax return’ form, what I need is an ‘MPs
tax return’ form instead, silly me.
I got so excited when my husband expressed
interest in my daily quiet time sessions. "You don't have to close your eyes," I
explained. "You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a
spot in front of you."
He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"
Stanley the Sperm decided he was going to be
"the one". He practiced swimming every day, trying to build up his speed and
endurance. He also started asking all kinds of questions. "How will I know the
egg? What does it look like? What does it smell like?"
One crusty old sperm who never made it out took a liking to Stanley. "Well", he
said, "legend says the egg is easy to spot. She is big and round and the smell
is heavenly. It is like a combination of all the flowers in the world and the
scent is just overpowering. You can't miss her. They say you should just hit her
head on and if she accepts you, you will be drawn in and together you will form
a new person. "
The time came and Stanley felt himself being propelled down the shaft and into
the void. He swam and swam, leading his fellow sperm by several lengths. Finally
he rounded a corner and spotted the egg. Big and round, just like he had been
told and dead ahead. Shouting "I am Stanley the Sperm", he built up even more
speed and rammed the egg head first. He immediately backed out spitting and
snorting. "You smell like shit!!" he exclaimed.
"What did you expect? I'm Travis the Turd"
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning Sickness."
The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. and it was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.
I had sex with Mr Kipling's daughter last
night.
It was exceedingly good.
Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.
Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves
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The Surrealist Compliment Generator
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on Farts:- Everything
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Da Ali G Translata
Because
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Hash Hymnal ~Dirty Songs for Dirty Minds
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