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Filthy Jokes for Adults with a Sense of Fun

This website is NOT politically correct. Its contents may offend some people.

If you are easily offended leave now. Otherwise, stay and have a good laugh.

If you have a funny or filthy joke that deserves a place on this site mail it to :-

  jokemaster@filthyjokes.freeserve.co.uk



            
New funny and filthy jokes are added every weekday to this page

        Last Update: July 3, 2009- (10 jokes added - now 13,180 funny and filthy jokes)
 

July 3
4 days of record-breaking sales, empty shelves in stores, plans for more follow-up albums, accolades from everyone in the music industry...........
Good career move Michael.

 

Every time I look at internet porn, I get an annoying pop up.

 

A Protestant man from Belfast is told his wife has died. He goes to place an announcement in the paper and is told it costs £5 for 3 words. He only has £5 so he puts in "Cathy is dead." They feel sorry for him and offer him another 3 words for free. He thinks for a minutes and says okay and puts in "Cathy is dead, fuck the pope!"

 

Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital.
First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

 

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun, too!"
"Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation!"
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit."

 

"I'll admit," said a lady called Barr,
"That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."

 

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

 

A Few Notes for Golfers
Golf balls are like eggs ~ they're white. They're sold by the dozen ... and a week later you have to buy more.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a. m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?
Golf is by far the ultimate love /hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!
Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about which fairway.
If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway.
A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.

 

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.'
'That will work,' said the counsellor, 'if you keep a good record.'
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills,' she said.
Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.'
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'
He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?'
She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers..... I kick the pail out from under him

 

July 2                                        
I had an argument with my dad the other day and he said something really hurtful.
He said “I wish you were never born!”
I was stunned
He then said “Thanks to you, your mother’s vagina is ruined!”
But I still think I got him back pretty good
I replied “that’s bullshit!.... I only do her up the arse”
The look on his face was priceless

 

Here's a little tip for the ladies, instead of spending a fortune on cosmetics, just buy a bottle of whisky.
For a tenner, you can have a man with a bottle of scotch going, "God, you're beautiful".

 

A farmer has to go out to plough his rental field about10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the ploughing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car." The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly. The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?" The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar, that's his asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."

 

Marina: "Do you ever miss the ex?"
Amy: "OH! All the time! You wouldn't believe how much!"
Marina: "Wow! I didn't think you cared about him at all."
Amy: "Wait a minute! Did you say 'ex' or 'sex'?"

 

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that," the host asked? Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ... anyone can!"

 

My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wondrously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.

 

There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a honey for beating a gong.

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I always put "Doctor". What the fuck's my mother going to do?

 

Have you noticed from all those documentaries about living with tourettes that they all have shit jobs.
Dear Mr McCarthy,
I recently read about the vacancy for Online Sales Executive on the CUUNNTT Guardian jobs website and this position interests me DONKEY BOLLOCKS.
Please find enclosed my CV I WANNA SHAG YOUR SISTER, YOUR SISTERS CUUUNNNTT.
Please get back to me.
Ps I have tourettes.
CUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTT

 

On my home page of Facebook, I see they keep announcing that it is now available in 57 languages.
So now everyone in Britain can use it.

 

June 26
Two small mice were crouched under a table in the chorus girls' dressing room of a big Broadway show. "Wow," exclaimed the first mouse, "have you ever seen so many gorgeous legs in your life?"
"Means nothing to me," said the second. "I'm a titmouse."

 

Mulligan's missus was big, fat and mean
A cruel and ugly man-killing machine
She's the type of woman you'd be looking for
If you wanted mercenaries for a guerrilla war

And if he came home from the pub after six
She'd beat him senseless with her thrashing stick
But he was too scared to leave the old bag
He was much too soft and used to wave the white flag

Well, me and the blokes, from down at the pub
We'd had about enough of the way he'd been clubbed
So we banded together, a vigilante team
And we kept him at the pub until seven-fifteen

We pinned him in the corner though he screamed and kicked
"She'll bash me bloody senseless with her thrashing stick!"
"Just have another beer, Bill, she'll be all right.
All of us blokes are gunna' take you home tonight"

So we piled into Darcy's Ute and hit the dirt track
Six clambered in the front and fourteen in the back
And Mulligan was cursin', and screaming he'd be killed
"Then she'll have to kill us all then" we reassured Bill

We pulled up at his house down on Jacaranda Drive
Parked the Ute and piled out and headed on inside
We up the pathway to the door, which opened swift and quick
And his missus came out screaming, and swinging that thrashing stick

She looked like a raging mallee bull, ready for the kill
We formed a human barricade in front of poor old Bill
"If you wanna beat your husband up, then you'll have to get on past us!"
"If that's the way it is," she said, "Take this, you pack of bastards!"

And into us she swung that stick, like Bradman with a bat
Old Jacko copped a hiding first and screamed like a dying cat
She thrashed and flogged the lot of us, half had up and run
So I staggered back to Darcy's Ute and grabbed his old shotgun

"Just put that bloody stick down now!", I shouted out to her
I'll pull this trigger flamin' quick, if'n you don't concur!"
She dropped the stick, I looked around, and saw I was alone
Everyone, 'cept Mulligan, had fled, through fear, back home

I went to pick that old stick up and break it right in half
But she moved not like a heifer, she moved more like a calf
And kicked me quickly in the guts and grabbed the old shotgun
Then said "Get out, you mongrel dog!" and shot me in the bum

Well, you've never seen a man move such, with buckshot in his bum
I near on broke the speed of light, as up the road I run
And the last thing I saw looking back was Mulligan on the ground
Being caned near dead with that big old stick that she'd been wielding 'round

Well the story of that night became a legend in our town
How Mulligan's old missus, knocked twenty of us down
And she's got a thriving business now, wouldn't it make you sick!
She opened a shop and sold our wives a bloody thrashing stick!

So the pub is rather quiet now I think we're still in shock
We have an alarm hooked to the bar, that goes off at six-o'clock
And all us blokes and Mulligan, go screaming for the door
For fear of having to face up to that thrashing stick once more!

 

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE. COM at the end of the CONFIG. SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later. User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using? User : MS-DOS 6.22 . Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later. User : I need a new power supply. Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion? User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of the power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

 

A six-family apartment burned down in London . The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.
The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished. The Albanian family on the fourth floor all perished. The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished. The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.
However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor..
Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen,
To which the Fire Chief replied ...
"They were all at work."

 

You can't beat the wisdom of old people!
Earlier on I was talking to my grandad about the BNP. I said, "What is it that makes people hate like that?"
He said, "Poofs and blacks".

 

Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.

 

Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.

 

Just a thought...
If Jesus was born in Bethlehem and spent all his time in Nazareth, why were all his disciples called 'John' and 'Mark' and 'Luke'?
Were they fucking gap year students or something? They're not very Jewish names are they?

 

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.
I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

 

Welsh paedophiles.
Putting the Ddyfidd into kiddy fiddling.

 

June 25
The citizens of South Africa fall victim to a serious crime every 17 seconds – a statistic that is nearly impossible to verify, as everyone in the country has his or her watch stolen every 12 seconds.

 

63% of women don't climax during sex. 100% of men don't care

 

They've just brought out non-alcoholic Cider...
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice.

 

When deaf people get drunk, do they slur their hands?

 

A coloured lady was picking in the dumpster looking for cans when she came across an old bottle somebody tossed.
Thinking there might be a drop of two of hooch at the bottom, she took off the lid. "You Have Released Me" cried out a genie as a puff of smoke wafted from the bottle, "and in gratitude, I grant you 3 wishes".
The lady said "Dayamshizzle mo fo, I heardz bout you" and it didn't take her long to think up her first wish. "First Wish, I wanna be White" she said, followed by the genie proclaiming "and so you will be". A couple moments passed and the woman comes out with "I wants me a job, a good job, a government job, one that pays each week and gives me all kinds of benefits and has to be a indoor job so I can come out of the cold".
Like the genie could see it coming, "So it shall be.. you will be secure with a nice comfy government job". The genie then advised her "You have one final wish". Humm, Humm, the woman went before coming out with a most unselfish request "I want to give money to my family, my friends, my neighbours, I want enough money to give money to everyone who asks for it". The genie proclaimed "That's very thoughtful of you, and so shall it be!"
There was a massive encompassing cloud of smoke and then a huge thunderclap. When the smoke began to clear the woman looked down at her hands, and they were white. "Praise Be I'm White !" She announced.
She then looked around and it appeared she was in an office environment, "Praise Be I Got a Job" she said with glee. The smoke cleared even further and she recognized her relatives and some people she'd seen in the neighbourhood standing before her looking at her really really eagerly.
"You Honkey Bitch", said a woman at the front of the line "My baby's need feedin, so hurry your damn ass, this the slowest welfare office I ever been in."

 

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his Chinese neighbour whenever he met him
"How much is the flied lice today?"
The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and decided to avoid the Greek owner. One day the Chinese owner decides to go for speech lessons and after three months of intense learning decides to confront the Greek with his new skill.
When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question " How much is the flied lice?"
The Chinese replies confidently:
" It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!!!"

 

After eight days of backpacking, my wife and I were looking pretty scruffy. She came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her hair sticking out at odd angles.
She asked, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

 

A sailor went off on the sea
To escape from a Bride-wanna-be;
But she jumped in her dingy
'Cause she missed his thingy -
She caught him and then there were three!

 

I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this."
"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network.

 

June 24
My ex-girlfriend was raped at the weekend. It has devastated us and cost us our relationship.
Looking back, asking, "Did you enjoy it?" and, "Was he better than me?" were probably not the most sensitive things I've ever said.

 

There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior

 

A witness to an car accident was testifying.
Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
Witness: "Seven metres, three hundred and eighty millimeters."
Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying arsehole lawyer would ask me that question."

 

Following the success of Childline it has been announced that a similar new telephone service is to be created for women affected by domestic violence.
Punchline.

 

I'm thinking about applying for a job as a counsellor for sexually abused women. My wife warned me it would be a real "box of tissues" job.
I agree.

 

I went to the zoo and a rhino tried to charge me.
I told it to fuck off. I'm not paying twice.

 

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

 

Tonight's forecast:
Dark


I was walking to the shops the other day when i came across a shopping list on the floor.
It had written on it:-
2 Eggs
1 Apple
50 Jews.
I thought fuck, this must be Schindler's list.

 

Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus."
I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

 

June 23
What did Christopher Columbus say to his men before they got on the ship?
"Men, get on the ship"

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka while in a gay bar.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously erased and your arse probed.

 

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
'I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room,' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'

 

My female friend asked me, "Do you think I should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? Or will he not care?"
I answered, "Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obliged to give him a blow-job."
She laughed and said, "Thanks, that's cheered me up a lot."
I modestly replied, "No problem. That'll be one blow-job please."

 

I used a ouija board to try and contact my late grandfather
The glass jerked about a lot but made no intelligible words.
He hasn't changed!

 

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of : 'ASYLUM'.
Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
Hop on a boat and win a Housing Commission HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The Australian Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid Australian Passport and, you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone - buy a ticket to Indonesia and catch the first available boat.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you need to do is destroy your papers or burn your boat.
Once you Enter Australian waters remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia’s gateway where agents were on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation . They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia .
Our popular destinations include Baxter’s Reef and the world famous Christmas Island resort. If you’re still unsure, there's no need to phone a friend or ask an audience -
Apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors here are waiting to help you. It won't cost you a cent. It could change your life forever. So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas... all welcome
COME ON DOWN!
Get along to Indonesia Get along to the fishing ports Don't stop in Thailand or Bali Go straight to Australia
And you are:
GUARANTEED to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'
FORWARD THIS TO EVERY AUSTRALIAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW!

 

How to Interpret Military Performance Reports ...
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

 

A well-worn on dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyer belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, the Lutheran church....." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

 

There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.

 

Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.

 

June 22
Judging by the pictures in the paper Madonna's chess set is coming along nicely.

 

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? . The wife

 

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

 

I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'

 

McVities have honoured Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him and his F1 car on their new range of chocolate biscuits ' Wogon Wheels' will be on sale soon in all well known supermarkets.

 

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."

 

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.
"Of course," the woman replied.
"Then how about five more inches?"

 

I'm sure you've all heard about the travelling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh !" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house?"

 

There was a young lady of Bicester,
She was nicer by far than her sister;
The sister would giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.

 

My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles...
...which sounds a lot better than alcoholic.

 

June 19
I was checking my tax return form but I could not find the section for claiming for a new TV or for the plumber to come and fix my leaking shower or for a cleaner to hoover my carpets.
No, it’s definitely not on my tax form.
Ah I know, I’ve got a ‘working persons tax return’ form, what I need is an ‘MPs tax return’ form instead, silly me.

 

I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my daily quiet time sessions. "You don't have to close your eyes," I explained. "You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you."
He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"

 

Stanley the Sperm decided he was going to be "the one". He practiced swimming every day, trying to build up his speed and endurance. He also started asking all kinds of questions. "How will I know the egg? What does it look like? What does it smell like?"
One crusty old sperm who never made it out took a liking to Stanley. "Well", he said, "legend says the egg is easy to spot. She is big and round and the smell is heavenly. It is like a combination of all the flowers in the world and the scent is just overpowering. You can't miss her. They say you should just hit her head on and if she accepts you, you will be drawn in and together you will form a new person. "
The time came and Stanley felt himself being propelled down the shaft and into the void. He swam and swam, leading his fellow sperm by several lengths. Finally he rounded a corner and spotted the egg. Big and round, just like he had been told and dead ahead. Shouting "I am Stanley the Sperm", he built up even more speed and rammed the egg head first. He immediately backed out spitting and snorting. "You smell like shit!!" he exclaimed.
"What did you expect? I'm Travis the Turd"

 

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning Sickness."

 

The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. and it was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.

 

I had sex with Mr Kipling's daughter last night.
It was exceedingly good.

 

Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.

 

There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.

 

Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'

 

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves

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AMUSING LINKS

Fighting Back at Nigerian 419 Advance Fee Fraud Scammers  
My other website -Having fun with the e-mail scammers who promise you a fortune

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper, Man of God (Hilarious)

Mrs. Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore Ministry

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Facts on Farts:- Everything you've always wanted to know about Farts   

    Use Prankmail to wind up your friends

Da Ali G Translata

Because You are a Cunt    Insult Generator

The Chuffer Dandridge Experience  

 Hash Hymnal ~Dirty Songs for Dirty Minds 


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