Filthy Jokes for Adults with a Sense of Fun
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Last Update: May 9, 2008- (5 jokes added - now 10,410 funny and filthy jokes)
May 9
Always pissed I loved my lass Betty,
Both bladdered we wed on a jetty,
But I gave up the beer,
And saw her so clear,
"HOLY FUCK" she looked like a Yeti.
Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'... then we made love all night long."
The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything..... but we had wild sex all night."
The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "
A friend accused me of being homophobic the other day.
"Nonsense", I said.
"I love my house."
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
There Was A Young Lady Of Boston,
Who Thought She Was Raped In An Austin,
But The Truth Is, My Dears,
She Sat On The Gears,
And A Traffic Cop Kicked The Exhaust In.
May 8
I don't usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this month's edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell.
So I thought; what the hell, I'll treat myself and splash out on a copy.
That's me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future...
I was at work the other day when a bloke come up to me and said " I can't do it!" Do What?" I replied. "No matter how hard I try, I can't do a Welsh accent. I just end up sounding like a Paki" I said "well you're just gonna have to keep practicing Ahmed"
I love going gay clubbing!
My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.
There was a wee man called Hank,
Who went to school in a tank,
His teacher came out,
Hit him a clout,
He said "fuck off i’m havin a wank".
My neighbour thinks he’s a monk,
But to me he gave a big gonk,
While out earning my pay,
My wife he did lay,
And covered her face with spunk.
May 7
As the elevator car left our floor,
Big Sue caught her tits in the door;
She yelled a good deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and they are not the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds like she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she has been reading. if she says "Oh I was reading that", then she was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound familiar like a song, then she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her personal stereo.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says" Mmmmmmmmm you were wonderful", then she is faking it. If she says, Don't stop", then she isn't. However, if says "Don't stop" hours after after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike.
- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home.
- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room.
- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
- All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
There is an apartment with three families in it. A black family lives at the top, a white family lives in the middle and a
Mexican family lives at the bottom. A tornado hit the apartment, which family survived?
The white family, they were all at work.
May 6
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts to his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the businessman received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
A young English lass named Tess
Got herself in a terrible mess
She offered a fuck
For a fresh U.S. buck
But found out she was worth even less.
Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $500."
"Holy Mother! $500!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How about $50?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S NOT where it's likely to be at!"
All the lady-apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
May 5
My neighbours bought their little boy a drum kit a week ago. I went round there to see him earlier. What a noise he makes! You'd think he'd never had a drumstick shoved up his arse before!
I was woken early this morning by a door-to-door salesman.
Straight away he launched into his patter:
"Good morning, Sir, I'm from GardenRite accessories. Can I just say from the offset that I'm not selling anything. No, our representatives are in the area at this moment in time, and I noticed when passing that your garden gate is old and rusty, and hanging on one hinge. I'm delighted to tell you that we here at GardenRite are in a position to offer you a FREE, yes, that's right, free of charge top-of-the-range replacement gate at absolutely no cost to yourself!" -and handed me a catalogue of nice-looking garden gates.
"Hmm," I said, "Free gate. Where's the catch?"
"There isn't one!" he beamed.
"Not much fucking use then, is it?" I said, and slammed the door.
Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone calls were tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky telemarketers that make our lives so miserable. We've found a way to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also wish to use.
When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime telemarketer time (6-8 P. M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA, you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and is, in fact, the twenty-fifth caller.
Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:
Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)
Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.
Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at 106.6 FM. (Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?
Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller. Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.
Click.
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Q: What is the difference between exotic and psychotic?
A: Exotic is wearing a French tickler. Psychotic is wearing French toast.
A 5 year old boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling "Mum mum, we're sitting round the neighbours watching porn"!
Mum: "WHAT"!!?
The boy: "Relax mum! It's child porn"
As a United fan who's booked his Moscow trip I've had this cloud of worry about travelling to Russia what with all these stories of pickpockets, muggings at knife point, and general threats to my person ... thankfully, the Scousers are out now so I don't have to worry about that anymore.
A chant at an Alzheimers rally:
''What do we want?''
''We don't know!''
''When do we want it?''
''What?''
My wife says she doesn't like me when I drink.
Unfortunately, that's the only time I like her.
Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night.
She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds.
Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your neighbour's 16 year old daughter
isn't very sexy.
Once upon a time, one day long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...
But this was a long time ago...
and it was just one day.
The End
May 2
My wife left me today.
She told me she was leaving because I didn't do any chores.
What a liar- I'd had sex with her the day before.
Women are weird. They put ten tons of make up on their face, have their hair dyed and permed, wear false nails and have them coloured, shave all the hairs off their legs, wear false eyelashes, wear high heels to make their legs look longer, have their teeth whitened, pluck their eyebrows, wear wonderbras to make their boobs look bigger, THEN MOAN THEY CAN'T FIND A FUCKING REAL MAN!
What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
I have hereditary diarrhoea.
It runs in my jeans...
My Uncle was a rather strange guy; he had artificial legs.
..but real feet.
May 1
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary. The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"
After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.
He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.
The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"
The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."
The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"
If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
A fellow, talking to his friend asked, "How can I tell if my girl is a virgin?"
His friend told him, "You have to wait till you wedding night. You show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy got married and in the hotel room, he flipped it out to her and asked, "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replied.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not, silly! A cock is twice as big!!"
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.
A mystical painter named Foxx
Once picked up a girl on the docks.
He made an elliptic
Mysterious triptych,
And painted it right on her box.
April
22
I asked my girlfriend's best friend what to get her for her birthday,
she said "I dunno... get her something that will make her face light up"
...so I got her a torch.
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
A good woman died and went to Heaven. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter offered to take her on a tour of the facilities. As they walked past the halo depository, she noticed a sort of fence off in the distance. Intrigued, she asked St. Peter if they could look at it. "What's a fence doing up here?" she asked.
"Oh, that's not exactly a fence," he replied. "It's a balcony railing. You see, some folks arrive here and find that certain friends or loved ones aren't here, and realize they must have gone to Hell. So we have an arrangement with the Adversary whereby our folks can stand at the railing and look down and find their loved ones."
So they approached the railing, and the woman looked down. She spotted a group of people wailing and tearing out their hair while demons poked them with pitchforks. "What's the matter with that group?" she asked. St. Peter took a look. "Ah," he said. "Those are Southern Baptists who went to dances."
Then she noticed another group, screaming while they walked on red-hot coals. "What are they being punished for?" she asked the saint. He looked and replied, "Those are old-style Catholics who ate meat on Friday."
Another group caught her attention. They were being whipped with scorpion tails, and screaming. "And their sin?" she asked. St. Peter looked and said, "Oh, those are Episcopalians who used the wrong fork."
Necrophilia is dead boring. Try incest, it's only relatively boring.
If you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
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